Fed Up

[vortex of confusion]

I have been very frustrated lately. I have been trying to use the tools and keep myself in check.

Tonight, I feel like I have reached a point of being angry, frustrated, and fed up. My husband has been playing his computer games for most of the evening. He came over by me for something and had an air about him (not sure how to describe it) so I gave him a dirty look. Not long after, he gets off the computer and goes into defensive mode and tells me that he is off the computer for the night. We stepped outside and he asked what was wrong. I told him that I am upset and it has been festering for a while.

I told him that I was fed up. He interrupted me and said, "What do you want me to do? Move out?" I wasn't sure how to respond and tried to finish my thought. He interrupted and yelled at me and told me I wasn't listening to him.

I have tried to tell him my concerns for a couple of weeks now. Our roof was leaking into the living room and he was non-chalant about the whole thing like he didn't care. He wouldn't get in the attic and he wouldn't help me get in the attic. It takes two people to get up there because it is kind of a funky set up. I had to call on my dad for help because I know enough to know that water leaking in the ceiling can create all kinds of havoc. I have a new roof now thanks to my dad. Clean up still needs to be done and he hasn't done anything to help. I have picked up some stuff. Our old out of date antenna was taken down and he keeps talking about taking it apart and moving it out of the front yard. It still hasn't happened and now that it is supposed to rain heavy for the next day or two, it probably won't happen until he is back at work and I do it myself.

When he was yelling at me about being fed up, he said, "To me, fed up means that you are done." I told him that this is why I don't feel comfortable sharing with him. He gets mad and upset. It really aggravates me that a day or two ago we had a conversation about wanting to stay together and keep things peaceful for the kids. It seems like when I try to have peaceful discussions about every day type stuff, he goes from zero to weird. To top it off, he still seems to be okay with discussing the idea of me having a lover. He says that he will stay married to me forever and remain celibate if he has to. . . Ugh, I don't know what to think some days.

I tried to tell him tonight that him not taking care of the cars gives me anxiety. He claimed to not know that. He has been around my family long enough to know that car maintenance is taken very, very seriously.

Going to stop here. Needed to vent somewhere so I don't say or do anything that adds fuel to the fires.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Loosestrife]

Hi, sorry you are having a rough time. We spend so much time

Listening to BPD 's, it's hard when they won't listen to us over the smallest of things.

Can you take sometime out and write him a note to read explaining how you feel? Or

perhaps suggest couples counselling if he won't acknowlege your feelings at all when there is just the two of you there.

My BPD partner just walks out whenever I ask anything that is deemed to be questioning their actions - it's a very difficult situation to manage. 

[Cole]

Vent away, VOC. Many of us share the same experiences. If I ask my BPDw to do anything around the house it will not get done.

Here is my bizarre solution. If I ask her to do X she will not do it. But if I put it on my to-do list on the wipe off board in my office, she offers to do it for me and then does. I make a big deal of how much help that was to me and she offers to do the next thing on the list.  

I would love to say I planned it this way. But the truth is that I stumbled upon this solution and have absolutely no idea why it works.  

[rarsweet]

A woman I know once told me the easiest way to get a man to do something is to try to do it yourself, and do it badly . I think pwBPD  feel as if any issue we have with them, no matter how small, is a total attack on them, we don't want them. Does he get angry if you get help from someone else like your dad? Mine did, if I couldn't lift something and I asked him to do it, he would hem and haw,  then if I called my brother to help, ex would feel I was treating him like he was worthless. Like if I couldn't move furniture or take the a/c out of the window. It's very frustrating. I just got to the point where I didn't ask for anything important.

[Notwendy]

It seems as if the mention of the word "you" in a direct statement to my H becomes a personal attack. Also if I ask him to do something he feels shamed " I should have thought of that". He tends to refuse. However, if I let it go, he sometimes comes back with the same suggestion as if it was his own idea.

I think that may be the reason the board works with Cole's wife. It is not a direct request from him, and so she can decide it is her idea.

My mom is similar. Any suggestion to her from people close to her feels invalidating. However, a suggestion from total strangers she may run into- a cab driver, hair dresser, she accepts. One example is when I researched retirement communities for them, and spent time and effort to visit them, and took personal interest in them because I would not want my parents in a place where they were not treated well, my mother rejected all of them. Yet when a neighbor of an aquaintance mentioned that the thought one was nice, that place became OK.

Even before I had any idea of BPD, I noticed this. Once I was at the bank and the banker told me about a new savings program they had. I replied, this sounds like a good idea, but please talk to my H directly. I knew that if I spoke to him about it, he would immediately reject it without hearing the facts. I just wanted him to understand the pros and cons and see how he felt about it.

[Cole]

Any suggestion to her from people close to her feels invalidating. However, a suggestion from total strangers she may run into- a cab driver, hair dresser, she accepts.

I got a big laugh at this, because it is so true! Now I know I am not alone on this! Here is just one of countless times this has happened:

Wife read on Pinterest how to save money by making your own Febreze and asked me what I thought. I explained that it would not work because it lacked beta-cyclodextrin, the chemical that makes Febreze work, and the other ingredients were made to be washed out of fabric, not left on, and could ruin it. But she insisted that the complete stranger on Pinterest was right and that I was wrong. She tried it anyways and it cost more to reupholster the ruined couch than it would have cost to buy 100 years worth of Febreze.     

Looking for the humor? Here it is. Though I never worked in the field, I have a degree in... .organic chemistry.   

[Notwendy]

Yes, it has happened so many times with my mother, we do chuckle about it from time to time. However, what clouds the issue is our relationship to them which makes us triggering to them. So, yes, you having a degree in organic chemistry is clouded by her emotional response to your suggestions.

[vortex of confusion]

A woman I know once told me the easiest way to get a man to do something is to try to do it yourself, and do it badly .

Oh no, that doesn't work. He is the one that will do things badly. He won't do it. If I do it instead, he gets mad and says, "I was going to do that. You just didn't give me a chance." Um, how many days, weeks, or months is considered enough time? I am very laid back about stuff.

[

I think pwBPD  feel as if any issue we have with them, no matter how small, is a total attack on them, we don't want them.

Yep, I have seen that time and time again. The bad thing for me is that the more he behaves like this, the more I get to a point where I don't want him any more. I am tired of not being able to say that I am tired and fed up without it going from zero to 60. I wish like hell I could afford to leave.

Does he get angry if you get help from someone else like your dad? Mine did, if I couldn't lift something and I asked him to do it, he would hem and haw,  then if I called my brother to help, ex would feel I was treating him like he was worthless. Like if I couldn't move furniture or take the a/c out of the window. It's very frustrating. I just got to the point where I didn't ask for anything important.

He doesn't seem to get angry if I get someone else to help. I don't usually ask him for stuff because he does the whole hemmin' and hawin' thing.

With the roof issue, my dad tried to talk to him about it a couple f weeks before it started leaking. My husband got mad at my dad and said, "I don't want that SOB working on my house." My dad told him that he had a guy that could do the roof at an affordable price. The funny thing is that my husband doesn't even know the guy and has only met him a couple of times. He has heard stories about him but doesn't know him. Made me so mad that he pretty much yelled at my dad. When push came to shove, I worked things out with my dad and told my dad that I wanted the roof done. I didn't care who did it. And, I was at a point where I didn't care what my husband thought about any of it. I told him what I was doing about the roof. Didn't give him a choice. He shut up for the most part. The only problem was then he started nagging me about when the roofers were going to show up. They had to find a period of a couple of days where it wouldn't rain. I got so mad at his behavior through the whole thing.

[flowerpath]

Hi, vortex.  I’m right there with you, and understand.  Roof. Vehicles. Appliances. Termites. Rotting windows. Yard projects. 

It’s annoying.   Sometimes I fall into resentment.   

Why are we looking for a leader of a family in a person who is not a leader in his own personal life? 

What is the solution for protecting ourselves from this? 

Is it radical acceptance that this is the way that it is?  Is it to stop resentment in its tracks and notice and be thankful for the small things they can do and then take care of the larger things on our own the way we would do anyway if we were single, since we know that they cannot or will not?  Is it to be satisfied with the the reward of personal growth that can come from not letting this get the best of us? 



 

[vortex of confusion]

Is it radical acceptance that this is the way that it is?  Is it to stop resentment in its tracks and notice and be thankful for the small things they can do and then take care of the larger things on our own the way we would do anyway if we were single, since we know that they cannot or will not?  Is it to be satisfied with the the reward of personal growth that can come from not letting this get the best of us? 

Good questions! If I were single, I wouldn't have anybody trying to stand in my way of getting things done. When I try to reach out to other people for help, a lot of times I get the question, "Why can't your H do it?" And then I am in a position where I have to make excuses for him or be honest about him simply not being able to do things. It is very frustrating. I mentioned to somebody that I have a lot of yard clean up to do from the roofing. I was asked why he wouldn't do it. I said something about him not being reliable, which led to the person I was talking to telling me that he is being a real douche bag.

When people in real life ask me what is up in my life and I tell them, they get mad for me because he isn't doing stuff that most people consider normal. The neighbor has commented about ME mowing. I have had visitors comment on how bad our yard looks. I have had family members ask when something is going to get done. Even the kids notice stuff and make comments about it. A lot of times, I feel very judged by people.

[milesperhour]

Does he get angry if you get help from someone else like your dad? Mine did, if I couldn't lift something and I asked him to do it, he would hem and haw, then if I called my brother to help, ex would feel I was treating him like he was worthless. Like if I couldn't move furniture or take the a/c out of the window. It's very frustrating. I just got to the point where I didn't ask for anything important.

OK, some of the problems we are talking about here are just universal with married couples.  (Did you hear this one: "If you ask a man to do something, he WILL.  There is no reason to remind him every six months!"  On the other hand, not allowing you ask or hire someone else because it hurts their pride (been there!) -- could that be part of BPD?

[milesperhour]

Any suggestion to her from people close to her feels invalidating. However, a suggestion from total strangers she may run into- a cab driver, hair dresser, she accepts.

WOWosh, I just learned something important about myself!  My uBPDh has often gotten angry/hurt and said that I will not take his advice, ever.  But if a stranger gives the same exact advice, I will take it!  At first I felt it wasn't true and he was just being too sensitive, as usual.  But he pointed it out several times, and I wondered why I did that.  NotWendy's comment made me see that my relationship with him or opionion of him "clouds" the validity of his suggestions in my mind.  The real issue here is that I do not respect him or his opinions.  Wow ... .this is heavy.      

[Michelle27]

Long ago I realized that for certain things, I don't respect my husband's opinion based on his actions over many years.  It was a hard one to swallow, but it's the truth.  However, there are things I do respect his opinion on and will ask him about, knowing that he will appreciate me going to him for that advice.  I do feel bad that there are times I have very little respect for him, and wonder if we can make it work long term with that going on.  It is heavy. 

[flowerpath]

Long ago I realized that for certain things, I don't respect my husband's opinion based on his actions over many years.   I do feel bad that there are times I have very little respect for him, and wonder if we can make it work long term with that going on.  It is heavy.  

That right there is the gulf between my H and me.   Add the BPD thought processes to it, and that widens the gulf.  

When people in real life ask me what is up in my life and I tell them, they get mad for me because he isn't doing stuff that most people consider normal. The neighbor has commented about ME mowing. I have had visitors comment on how bad our yard looks. I have had family members ask when something is going to get done. Even the kids notice stuff and make comments about it. A lot of times, I feel very judged by people.

I have struggled with the feeling of being judged by others based on my H’s behavior.  

A yard and home exterior are very time consuming, labor intensive, and difficult to maintain alone if you work and have kids.  My H rarely does any yard work.  One day last summer when a grass cutting was way overdue, my H said he would mow it.  He mowed half of the front in a strange pattern and walked away, leaving the lawn mower sitting right there in the middle and never went back to finish it. Spring is here, summer will be on its heels, and while we are out working in the sweltering, suffocating humidity of this deep Southern state, he will be watching a movie in a cool, dark room and drinking a glass of sweet iced tea.  

[Notwendy]

One thing that was embarrasing was when my H wasn't around much when the kids were little. He was working, but when he wasn't, he felt he needed the break. So it was just me at the park, or wherever, with the kids. People did notice that he wasn't around.

One of the more comical and sad incidences was that he didn't attend Lamaze classes with me. I know he had to work some of the time, but he didn't show up for any of them. People thought I was a single mother and didn't want to admit it and was lying that I had a husband. Some even offered to help me when I went into labor thinking I would be all alone and not have anyone to help.

Now that the kids are older and more interested in being with their peers, he has shown some regret for missing out on a lot of the kid stuff, but whenever I asked him at the time, he would rage at me.

[milesperhour]

"He mowed half of the front in a strange pattern and walked away, leaving the lawn mower sitting right there in the middle and never went back to finish it."

Oh, yes.  I have half finished projects all around our house.  And, of course, he will not allow me to hire anyone when he is planning on finishing them.  What makes this really bad is that our house is also my business - an assisted living home - so having undone repairs and maintenence is unacceptable by the health department.  Other nurses and visitors who come to the home often ask why I am the one doing the yard work, painting, repairs, etc. when I have enough to do taking care of my elderly residents and two teenage children.  It is very embarrassing.  Some say he is just a manipulating a.h., and others are surprised that they have known me so long and did not know I had a husband. 

Is this really a symptom of BPD? 

[flowerpath]

From a similar topic back in November:

Delaying responsibilities is normal. Its delusional thinking that the impossible is possible, and no real concept of timeframe. ":)o it later/tommorrow". Then it is someone elses problem when its not done

True. True. True. 

Guess who else's problem it is?   

[formflier]

Looking for the humor? Here it is. Though I never worked in the field, I have a degree in... .organic chemistry.   

LOL,

I have a degree in Communications.  Also... .my 20 years in the Navy was spent flying a command and control airplane... .so... I thought about tens of thousands of people communicating... .a lot.

Yet... .she will claim I don't know what I'm talking about... .and usually reference an article she has read.  Usually... what she claims the article says... .and what it actually says... are 180 out.

Sigh... .

[Cole]

Why are we looking for a leader of a family in a person who is not a leader in his own personal life? 

Darn good observation. I recently read an article that states it only takes one person to fix most marriages, one to lead and one to follow. It certainly isn't going to be the pwBPD up front leading the charge.

Oh, yes.  I have half finished projects all around our house.

Is this really a symptom of BPD?  

Yes, it is part of BPD. I can show you a dozen half-finished crafts, piles of carefully washed laundry that does not get put away, and ingredients bought for recipes never made to prove it.        

[formflier]

The real issue here is that I do not respect him or his opinions.  Wow ... .this is heavy.      

Unfortunately... .I would have to agree... .  I haven't respected my wife in a while.

Sometimes I feel sorry for her... .

I've been off my game (dealing with BPD traits) for a while... .I need to turn this around.  Tough to know that I will be doing it by myself.

[milesperhour]

I especially sympathize with you about the laziness.  At least your H is still holding down a job; mine has not worked since 2006.  He was a preacher 12 years, but the two congregations he preached for kept asking what he was doing when he was not standing in the pulpit.  I knew the answer was "absolutely nothing".  He has a photographic memory, had memorized the Bible and was able to preach without even having to write up a sermon.  We had five babies, and he never changed a diaper, vacumed a floor, or cooked a meal.  I eventually realized that this was not going to change and felt guilty for his getting paid by the chuch for doing so little.  I encouraged him to quit preaching for money but to continue preaching because he was good at it.  Instead, he quit preaching all together and has drifted into alcohol and marijuna (an old favorite from high school) and has ever since blamed me for his downfall.  

He sold Real Estate for four years, and I worked with him but got tired of the other agents asking why I was doing all the work and letting him take the credit.  I quit working with him and went back into the medical field.  After I left the office, the other agents got fed up with his laziness, paranoia about them, and general unprofessionalism, and he was ousted (which is, of course, my fault).  His last job was as a laborer, from which he was fired for the marijuna.  He blames the manager for this one: "He just wanted to  give his son my position."  

Since then he has done very little.  I have worked for the last 9 years to feed and house our famliy while he plays guitar, fishes, or watches TV.  My family is very angry with him for not supporting us.  Most of the time I am just happy when he stays stoned in his room and not raging.  But when people ask me what he does, I am just embarrassed and just shrug or say, "As little as possible". He has said many times that he lost his careers because I never stuck up for him when people complained about him.  He once told me that he was "retired", to which I answered, "Oh? From what?"  

[Cole]

Looking for the humor? Here it is. Though I never worked in the field, I have a degree in... .organic chemistry.   

LOL,

I have a degree in Communications.  Also... .my 20 years in the Navy was spent flying a command and control airplane... .so... I thought about tens of thousands of people communicating... .a lot.

Yet... .she will claim I don't know what I'm talking about... .and usually reference an article she has read.  Usually... what she claims the article says... .and what it actually says... are 180 out.

Sigh... .

Hawkeyes or Mercurys?

Again, glad I am not crazy and this actually happens to many of my fellow NON's, also. Never ceases to amaze me that to a pwBPD complete strangers are more credible than a spouse or family member.

I have decided to consider this behavior as quirky and entertaining, otherwise I would run screaming from the house.  

[vortex of confusion]

The real issue here is that I do not respect him or his opinions.  Wow ... .this is heavy.      

Unfortunately... .I would have to agree... .  I haven't respected my wife in a while.

Sometimes I feel sorry for her... .

I haven't respected my H in a long time either. My lack of respect for him and his opinions goes back to the early days. I would try to do something that seemed like a good idea only to have him tell me that I was wrong or didn't need to worry about it. I would follow his lead and listen to him only to get screwed.

One of the examples that comes to mind is a flood that happened. I could look at the radar and see that it was likely to flood. I wanted to get my van out of the yard and to a safe place. I could have gotten it out rather easily when I first said something. He wouldn't let me get my van out. He kept telling me that everything would be okay when I knew it wouldn't. He wanted to pull me into his delusion and try to convince me that everything was okay despite all of the evidence pointing to the contrary. My van flooded and I lost it because it was all electric and it went half way under water.

He did that to me with the roof too. Even though I knew that the roof was NOT okay and would soon begin leaking, he tried to convince me that it would be okay. Hell, water was dripping into the living room and he said it would be okay. Our oldest was upset because one of the leaks was back by her computer. She and I were trying to see if we could find a place to move her computer until the roof got fixed. He got mad at us for wanting to move her computer.

[Cole]

The real issue here is that I do not respect him or his opinions.  Wow ... .this is heavy.      

Unfortunately... .I would have to agree... .  I haven't respected my wife in a while.

Sometimes I feel sorry for her... .

I haven't respected my H in a long time either.

WOW. My wife tells me all the time she does not think I respect her. Maybe I don't. But it is hard to respect opinions based on skewed perception from someone who is likely to change their mind at any moment.

Think I need to work on that... .

[vortex of confusion]

WOW. My wife tells me all the time she does not think I respect her. Maybe I don't. But it is hard to respect opinions based on skewed perception from someone who is likely to change their mind at any moment.

Think I need to work on that... . 

How does one work on that? How can I work on respecting somebody whose behavior, thoughts, and opinions are not grounded in reality? I cannot sit here and honestly say that I respect my husband. I don't. I am not sure what it would take for me to respect him again.

[formflier]

 

Respect is earned... .IMO.

Still... .I don't to show disrespect to my wife... .

Not sure how to manage that... .

[Cole]

In fits of honesty, wife will tell me she understands that it is hard for me to respect her when she does not respect herself. She knows she makes poor choices, acts out, embarrasses herself and others, and misinterprets reality quite often. She has told me on several occasions that when she disregulates, she knows it but cannot control it. Hard to respect yourself when you know you cannot control your own emotions.

[formflier]

 

How often is she this self aware... .?

[vortex of confusion]

Respect is earned... .IMO.

Still... .I don't to show disrespect to my wife... .

Not sure how to manage that... .

Same here. I don't respect him and his opinions but I try not to be disrespectful towards him either.

I try to separate the idea of "I respect him as a human being and I try to treat all human beings in a polite and dignified way" verses "I do not respect his ideas and opinions. I do not respect him as a partner." I am not sure how to reconcile all of this.

It feels like a conundrum.

[formflier]

 

VOC,

That is just about a direct quote... from my brain and feelings... .that you wrote about your hubby.

FF