Painted black to wife's new therapist

[Hmcbart]

Has anyone else ever dealt with their SO painting them black to their therapist? And if the therapist doesn't get to actually meet me and find out that I'm not what she could be making me out to be, how do I handle it? I want her to get help for her but I'm running out of energy at this point. If they aren't being honest in therapy and the therapist doesn't know she may have a PD, can they actually be helped?

I noticed with our MC, she saw him first and when we went as a couple I felt like I was under fire. It wasn't until I explained my side or what actually happened during certain events did things change in MC. Wife even admitted at one point that I did do a lot to help her around the house to which MC seemed shocked. Of course she hated our MC after that day and was mad at me for three days for being alive I guess.

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[Hmcbart]

Or am I reading too much into it?

My ADD kicks in sometimes and my brain will go into overdrive.

[Notwendy]

I think this is probably something that is common as people with PD's tend to blame others. However, I also think it is important for pw BPD to feel they are heard and validated.

I have to trust that a qualified T is well aware of the idea of painting someone black as well as the benefit of the theraputic relationship and so, is taking all of this into account.

When I started marital T, I was upset that the T seemed to focus on me and my issues and not my H. I felt invalidated as well as angry that it seemed to be biased on me having the problem. It felt as if she and my H were bonding ( not in an inapropriate way) as she seemed to be validating him and pushing me. However, her pushing me into dealing with my issues resulted in me doing personal work that I think benefitted me- and then the r/s.

Now I see that she is able to touch ( lightly) on my H's issues while validating him and she can be effective with him. Had she done this initially, he would have run out the door. Now I think she is very skilled.

It's a long term process that could be working, even if it doesn't appear to be from your perspective.

[Cole]

I used to teach police officers how to respond to domestic disputes. The first thing I would tell them is that there are three sides to every story: her side, his side, and the truth.

A good T understands that and will not take everything at face value, especially when dealing with a pwBPD.  A good T needs to be able to help the pwBPD stop painting the spouse black without being painted black themselves.

However, I did say a good T. Many Ts' we have seen in the past failed miserably. The last one we saw together just did not get BPD. She very overtly my side and tried to fight wife's feelings with tough love and logic. As you can imagine, the T was immediately painted black and we never went to her again. 

My suggestion is to keep looking until you find one who gets this disease. We have been to 3 T's together and BPDw to half a dozen on her own. None have lasted more than a couple visits. She currently has one she really likes and has been seeing her for several months.

[Hmcbart]

I'm alway hopeful. Unfortunately wife has never been diagnosed with BPD or any PD. She started therapy the last time after she raged at our old son. I actually had it on my voicemail for a long time. She was cussing and calling him names in the car while our youngest was sitting next to him. She was yelling at me on the vm say that my son was so effing stupid. It was the most horrible thing is ever heard her say to him. 

That's also when I noticed the scratches on her hands and arms where she was hurting herself. She started going to therapy and the gist of it, I found out later, was she was so angry at me for not helping around the house that she took it out on our son. When she did ask me to go in and meet the T, I was able to talk about what I was dealing with. We ended up do MC with him.

It only last until it looked like she would need to make some changes on her end. After I had done, once again everything she asked, she still refused to own up to her part. My biggest issue was the lack of affection and sex. After he put her on the money and told her she needed to hold up her end of the marriage also, she didn't like him anymore.

I guess I'm concerned that she will paint me as a bad person who mentally and verbally abuses her. I've heard that one before. I know she has done it with her friends because I've heard some of the stories.

[Riverrat]

Don't panic!

My dBPDgf painted me and her Mom black to her T. In fact she spent a whole session telling T what was wrong with US! It's all part of the process, and the T was evaluating her comments/actions the whole time.

I kinda thought of it as a form of projection. She was saying I had all these issues, many of which were hers. After a while, T asked SO why she felt certain ways, what did I actually do to cause something, etc.

The truth came out and the T was able to identify and make a good diagnosis.

Remember, they feel they can do no wrong, so it must be the non who has a problem... .I get this all the time at home as well.

[Hmcbart]

Do your SO's come back from therapy angry at you? That's the other part I noticed. She did it after each of the 4 MC sessions we went through. She got more angry when the mc told her we both had to meet each other's needs. She was really unhappy about the idea that she might have to show affection and actually have sex more than once a year... .of course she hated him and I after that session and we no longer go.

Sad really, something that we really need to keep us together and it might as well be on another planet.

[Riverrat]

I can't say she came out of T mad, but just really quiet. Like she was processing some information. I would ask, and she would just say "it was ok". and wouldn't elaborate on the session.

As to intimacy and sex? None whatsoever in 6 months. SO is incapable of any intimacy unless drunk (and neither of us drink anymore) Was great in idealization phase, but it was all an act, and when I couldn't meet her unreal expectations, it all went away. Of course she couldn't keep up the charade of how great she was for me, either. Normally there is acceptance and couples find middle ground, but not in BPDland.

I can see why she would be upset if told or made to feel guilty about intimacy. That's a taboo subject around here. Probably why a lot of guys didn't stay with her long, or forced her to do something--which I'm sure made it even worse for us.

[Loosestrife]

I can't say she came out of T mad, but just really quiet. Like she was processing some information. I would ask, and she would just say "it was ok". and wouldn't elaborate on the session.

As to intimacy and sex? None whatsoever in 6 months. SO is incapable of any intimacy unless drunk (and neither of us drink anymore) Was great in idealization phase, but it was all an act, and when I couldn't meet her unreal expectations, it all went away. Of course she couldn't keep up the charade of how great she was for me, either. Normally there is acceptance and couples find middle ground, but not in BPDland.

I can see why she would be upset if told or made to feel guilty about intimacy. That's a taboo subject around here. Probably why a lot of guys didn't stay with her long, or forced her to do something--which I'm sure made it even worse for us.

I agree sex is a taboo subject and I'm afraid to bring it up as I am always made to feel guilty.

[Hmcbart]

I can't say she came out of T mad, but just really quiet. Like she was processing some information. I would ask, and she would just say "it was ok". and wouldn't elaborate on the session.

As to intimacy and sex? None whatsoever in 6 months. SO is incapable of any intimacy unless drunk (and neither of us drink anymore) Was great in idealization phase, but it was all an act, and when I couldn't meet her unreal expectations, it all went away. Of course she couldn't keep up the charade of how great she was for me, either. Normally there is acceptance and couples find middle ground, but not in BPDland.

I can see why she would be upset if told or made to feel guilty about intimacy. That's a taboo subject around here. Probably why a lot of guys didn't stay with her long, or forced her to do something--which I'm sure made it even worse for us.

During MC after each session where things were no longer just about everything she said I wasn't doing (now realize it was projection), she would be even more angry. I got the silent treatment for a day or two after. Followed by a day or two of severe criticism and belittling. It would calm and then start over the next time we went.

As far as sex is concerned, I think that's the part I have the biggest anger management issues. I try very hard to not bring it up at all. It's been 4 month here, but before that it was 8 months, before that it was once a year if I was lucky. I see the others on here posting about how their SO is always in the mood. I would like to try that side of the disorder, just for a little while.

I started going to therapy this year after believing I was a sex addict for wanting it more than once a month or once a year. I actually believed her when she said it was me, and of course she had her friends to back her up saying it was me and no women wants to have sex more than once a year. After several sessions and a 300 question test, we determined I'm not.

I feel like the Charlie Brown comic strip when she gets him to try and kick the football but always pulls it away. That's my sex life in a sad but true analogy.

[formflier]

... .of course she hated him and I after that session and we no longer go.

Did you keep going?  or did you agree to stop?

Many times they like the fantasy that "we" decided to quit going... .

[formflier]

If they aren't being honest in therapy and the therapist doesn't know she may have a PD, can they actually be helped?

She is most likely being honest... .from her point of view... .