The f in my F.O.G.

[Issy]

I only recently found my heel of Achilles.

I am afraid I don't (and maybe never have) mean a thing to her anymore and someone else is fullfilling my job. I am being replaced. It's the most dreaded feeling, signs of it tears me apart. To me people are unique and the ones close to me are absolutely irreplacable. I will cary her forever in my heart, I'm like that. Shouldn't it work for everyone else this way also, scince everyone is unique? Or is this fear rational? And now that I know my fear what to do? Show her my weak point, show her my hurt? Or am I then simply handing her on a plate the way to blackmail me?

Is this my boundary? But how to set limits with this one? It is slippery scince it is a vague one. Well its about self-worth, that's not vague.

I actually already told her and removed myself from her social media because the communication she had with her replacement hurt and triggered me so much I had to protect myself, I told her that. And yes the famous words in BPD world got unleashed: I am selfish and jealous, something she, so she said, detests (obviously that's also projection, I saw her being very jealous of my other friendships (which actually don't run that deep at all compared to this one)). Btw I think I have to tell her I did it in preservation of our friendship. I still have to figure out how so though... .

Did I set limits here the right way or not?

She no longer wants to be friends with me, she told me in a letter. I haven't responded yet, I think I am going to validate her feelings, telling her I feel very sad about it but accept her choice. Bút can I let her know how much it hurts me? Or is that food for future black mailing? I guess explaining is not advised so I won't. Besides i did already explain most of it.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Issy,

I am sorry that you are going through this.     I understand how you can feel that you are being replaced. Fear is my Achilles heel too.   

I completely agree with you that people are unique and irreplaceable. In an Utopian world it should work that way for everyone else too. Unfortunately, this type of thinking does not always apply to pwBPD. Sometimes we forget that pwBPD have disordered thinking and maladaptive behavior and we try to compare those behaviors and thoughts to a person who is not disordered.

I have abandonment fears, so I can relate with the fear of being easily replaceable, disposable, rejected, and not feeling good enough.  When this happens to me, it can really crush my self-esteem.  I have been working on it and making progress, but it is really tough. I learned how to cope with it by slowly learning to accept, that I am not responsible for other people's behavior and my self-worth does not come from their behavior/actions towards me.   

I understand how you may feel conflicted on how to react to the letter. Why did she tell you that she does not want to be friends?