Do you ever get any emotional support?

[Depression = 72% of members]

It seems as though whenever I would like some support from my uBPDSO, she is in more need and not able to give. If I am tired, she is more tired. If I am sick, she is more sick. If I am stressed, she is more stressed. I see this as a pattern. Does anyone else experience this?

[bluejeans]

It seems as though whenever I would like some support from my uBPDSO, she is in more need and not able to give. If I am tired, she is more tired. If I am sick, she is more sick. If I am stressed, she is more stressed. I see this as a pattern. Does anyone else experience this?

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Michelle27]

Oh yes.  So much so that I pretty much gave up on getting any emotional support from him (and begging for years) and detached to the point that I was ready to leave.  THEN and only then does he decide he is actually capable.  But at this point, it seems so totally faked and phony because as far as I'm concerned, if he could flip a switch to turn it on now, he always could have and especially when it would have mattered more to me.

Am I bitter about this?  You betcha... .

[Hmcbart]

I used to think my wife just had a terrible bedside manner.  If I am sick and can get out of bed, I get totally ignored. If I'm in a bad mood from work and really need to vent to someone, she will actually take their side. I'm all for having someone play Devils advocate but sometimes I just want to be heard and feel someone is there for me.

I've learned after 19 years that I need to be on my "A" game 24/7/365 + leap year.  I have tried and failed so many times to get emotional support from her that it's laughable. But I will keep trying, never the same thing though because that's insane   , but still trying.   

I'm bitter at times as well... .but I love her, she's the mother of my children, and I said "I do" forever... .

Reminds me of the last line of a song from Bat Out of Hell. I swore I'd love you till the end of time. I'll never break my promis or forget my vow, but God only knows what I could do right now. So now I'm praying for the end of time, so I can end my time with you... .. 

[waverider]

Once you have realized a duck is a duck, stop trying to get it to bark like a dog it will only frustrate you and piss off the duck.

She is just not that type of creature.

[OffRoad]

I used to think my wife just had a terrible bedside manner.  If I am sick and can get out of bed, I get totally ignored. If I'm in a bad mood from work and really need to vent to someone, she will actually take their side. I'm all for having someone play Devils advocate but sometimes I just want to be heard and feel someone is there for me.

BBM: Yes! That, right there! Who DOES that? (A pwBPD... .) I once told H "I don't give a rat's patootie if you can see their side. You don't live with them! See MY side." I swear, it's like they'd take someone else's side just because they aren't YOU... .

[Infern0]

They are completely incapable of being supportive, they are self consumed and putting in 99.99% of their energy into remaining "stable".

You can't expect anything from them, my ex tried to be "supportive" of me a couple of times and it was like trying to watch a chimp put a square peg in a round hole, it was so ridiculous it would have been funny if it wasn't so sad.

[babyducks]

It seems as though whenever I would like some support from my uBPDSO, she is in more need and not able to give. If I am tired, she is more tired. If I am sick, she is more sick. If I am stressed, she is more stressed. I see this as a pattern. Does anyone else experience this?

Oh my goodness yes.   

I can kind of laugh about this story now but at the time it was pretty horrid.

I am very phobic about heights.   Terribly phobic.   We were on vacation, a once and a life time vacation in a place we will probably never get to again, and the schedule called for the tour group to go to the top of a very tall mountain in a very tiny cable car.

We discussed it in advance.  And I decided I would try it.   

I got up to the top okay but was struggling.

As we were coming down, you walk down this very narrow little walkway that is literally bolted into the side of the bloody mountain and then jump into the cable car.

At least that is how it's supposed to work.

'Cept once we get on the very narrow little walkway the cable car doors won't open.   So there I am hanging in space 900 feet up the side of this mountain trying not to hyperventilate or throw up.   Waiting for an eternity for somebody to fix the bloody doors.

My world has shrunk down to nothing, I have stars flashing in front of my eyes,  I have a death grip on the railing and I am the color of bad oatmeal.   I am seriously counting breaths like I am about to go into labor.

Some one on the walkway notices me in distress,  she's a very large very solid woman and she comes over and wraps me in a huge bear hug and pins me against the side of the mountain and the railing and holds onto me until the cable doors open.  Thank God she did.

And you guessed it,  my SO rages, about how inconsiderate to HER this was.  I should never treat her that way again.  That she deserves more respect and her feelings need more thoughtfulness on my part.   It was all about her.   She was jealous.

I never invited the bear hug,  frankly didn't know this woman was behind me, and honestly, at that point in time didn't give two hoots about my SO feelings.  I really just wanted to get off the side of that mountain.

But yeah,  anything that removes the attention from her to me can be viewed as a threat, and sometimes it's viewed as a major threat.

[Notwendy]

This is an aspect of my r/s that has been very upsetting. I found that my H was not able to give emotional support. I was pretty independent until my first child came along. I found that asking my H for help isn't effective. I think one of the toughest times was when I had a miscarriage and my H just didn't have a clue what I was going through. I soon learned not to rely on him emotionally. Still, I was so co-dependent and thought I could make this better.

Like bluejeans said- it felt like a contest. If I said I was tired, then he's say " well who gets to sleep more" . In fact, it seemed like a contest between everything- who works harder, who does what. I learned not to ask. If I wanted to do something, or needed a break, I would get a sitter. People noticed too- that my H was not around.

If I can give Michelle any hope, it is that my H did this over the top turnaround too. It didn't last, but he seemed to still be making effort. It was too late really- the painting white didn't work as I didn't buy into it anymore. I couldn't instantly erase what happened. He had neglected me for so long, that I had checked out of the r/s long before he noticed. What kept me there was the kids. Then out of the blue, H wanted me back. However, he couldn't get me back. Like Michelle noted, I couldn't erase what happened and I was ( still am) angry for how he treated me. Him turning around was proof that he had some choice in the matter and it upset me that he chose to treat me like that. On the other hand, I allowed it.

What I did was a lot of work on me, including T where I got support for my feelings. It's been two steps forward, one step back, but H has made some progress. I think he also feels some shame for how he behaved. However, I don't feel that I can trust him to be emotionally supportive, I'm just not there yet, if ever. However, he does treat me better and that is a start.

[Michelle27]

This is an aspect of my r/s that has been very upsetting. I found that my H was not able to give emotional support. I was pretty independent until my first child came along. I found that asking my H for help isn't effective. I think one of the toughest times was when I had a miscarriage and my H just didn't have a clue what I was going through. I soon learned not to rely on him emotionally. Still, I was so co-dependent and thought I could make this better.

Like bluejeans said- it felt like a contest. If I said I was tired, then he's say " well who gets to sleep more" . In fact, it seemed like a contest between everything- who works harder, who does what. I learned not to ask. If I wanted to do something, or needed a break, I would get a sitter. People noticed too- that my H was not around.

If I can give Michelle any hope, it is that my H did this over the top turnaround too. It didn't last, but he seemed to still be making effort. It was too late really- the painting white didn't work as I didn't buy into it anymore. I couldn't instantly erase what happened. He had neglected me for so long, that I had checked out of the r/s long before he noticed. What kept me there was the kids. Then out of the blue, H wanted me back. However, he couldn't get me back. Like Michelle noted, I couldn't erase what happened and I was ( still am) angry for how he treated me. Him turning around was proof that he had some choice in the matter and it upset me that he chose to treat me like that. On the other hand, I allowed it.

What I did was a lot of work on me, including T where I got support for my feelings. It's been two steps forward, one step back, but H has made some progress. I think he also feels some shame for how he behaved. However, I don't feel that I can trust him to be emotionally supportive, I'm just not there yet, if ever. However, he does treat me better and that is a start.

I don't know how hopeful it is, but thanks for trying. ;-)  I know he's treating me better but it does feel like, "too little too late" to me.  I am also doing major work on myself with my own therapy, reading tons of self help books, talking things through with friends who understand and focusing on taking care of me.  I have no hope that this will last, in part because I refuse to pretend we're A-OK which is what he has stated he wants from me.  He actually had the nerve to point out that now that he's trying, I should totally open myself up to him emotionally.  Um, nope. 

My husband also describes deep shame for how he treated me and for the year long affair he had with my FRIEND precisely during the year I was scrambling to get us help, dragging him to 3 different marriage counselors (all manipulated and then sabotaged by him before refusing to go back) and a couple's communication course.  He says the guilt of that affair ate him up and he eventually sought counseling over it.  But the guilt of the emotional abuse didn't bother him, until now.  Grr.  I clearly have lots more work to do on myself... .LOL