Hopeful

[Tigersan]

I am not really sure why or when things got bad, but I know they have been for a long time. I only know now where we are with some fragmented memories.

I feel horrible for initially trying to tie it to something I was doing wrong, PMS or invents in her life.

I know I have a huge collection of issues, including a bad temper, sarcasm as a defense mechanism, insecurities, the need to please people, an arrogant air, tendency to dramatize, etc. It has been difficult to recognize some of these while some have been more apparent. I have (and she has) used them all as excuses for her behavior.

I can not please her. It is nearly impossible. I call in sick so that I can clean the house without being "corrected". I can't even stomach having sex with her for fear of the criticism. The only times (1 or 2?) we have had sex over the last year, I had to get so drunk I can't recall any sort of intimacy. The two years prior she would just lay there and be uninterested with a couple exceptions.

I lie. All the time. I've lied so much about my emotions (which I already had a tough time talking about) and needs that I don't have any idea what they are anymore. I don't tell her anything about my day that relates to other women, because I have to immediately degrade those women or feel her wrath. I don't tell her about my fears or anything that she does to bother me except when I've been pushed to my breaking point. Even then, I always regret it.

Many times I've thought I was going crazy when she tells me a version of events that I don't recognize. For a long time I just thought that I had a bad memory. I think that, now, she is creating a set of events to match her mood. In a way it was a relief, but mostly not.

She is nearly incapable of doing anything on her own without cheer-leading or help. Help is usually her supervising me doing the task. From cooking and cleaning to shopping and driving. This might be what scares me the most about having a family with her. I can't rely on her for anything. She regularly spends an entire weekend in bed. It's not bad now, but if we have kids, it could be awful.

Almost everything she does gets blamed on me. I've tried to point out to her that her behavior is her choice, but she always turns it on me. She does go through phases where she might feel bad when she yells, but she always goes back to yelling.

We don't fight. She rants and yells. These "episodes", what I've labeled them, are what hurt most. Usually this is combined with criticism and every thing I've ever done wrong. Sometimes I try to get a timeout, but that rarely works. She once pounded on the guest bedroom door for over an hour while I cried. I've tried just walking away, but she will either block me physically or chase me.

I'm pretty close to defining myself as an alcoholic. I went away for a few days and didn't have the slightest desire to drink more than socially and I only saw one person outside of work. As soon as I got back, I felt the immediate need to begin drinking.

Our relationship can be great at times, but I have a near constant fear that I might set her off. Occasionally I ignore that fear, but I am usually taught a lesson. She once spent an entire date complaining about how someone at work said something wrong. When we got home and she was still complaining, so I advised her not to let it get to her anymore and somehow or another that was perceived as an attack.

I still feel a little crazy and I think that I am. It was weird reading that other people have been dealing with this, but it sounds like the consensus is go get help for myself. I'll work on me and hope things get better.

I am on the fence about ending the relationship. I fear being alone, but I also recognize that I'm probably being abused. We have been married for 3 years, but don't have kids. It sounds like I won't be able to get her to recognize any issues on her end from others stories here. I guess once I feel good with myself I'll just give her an ultimatum. Even if I do, if I ever become not useful, won't she just leave me? I am the primary breadwinner, but she makes enough to get by on her own.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Jackiec]

Hi tigersan,

I can see that the relationship and the character you described yourself is close to home for me. First of all, try not to put your feelings and emotions in drinking. Let say, been there, done that and doesn't solve a thing and still got the t-shirt. Try to put that in something productive like sport or get a hobby that will make you happy or put your mind off for a while. Even if it is just an hour a day

People with BPD condition somehow have the knack to read emotions, especially negative emotions. If you do not have your emotion under controle, how would you be able to handle theirs? The ranting and yelling against you are 99% for themselves when they are in an episode or uncontrollable emotions themselves. You mentioned about her complaint about her colleague whole night. It is not only about that her colleague being wrong but how that makes her feel. Try to validate her feeling about the situation that had occurred. Your advise of not trying to get under her skin is well meant, but not helpful, because she knows that herself. It is often her emotion that is too much for her to handle

Don't lie about your emotions, because they know and don't ask me how. My gf is same. She will be mad at me and think it is her fault and be quicker in the ranting zone. She would accept that I am unhappy when I admit that I am unhappy but will accept that when I say to her that I am not ready to share with her. And when I do want to share and she is willing to listen (without knowing how she interprets it), I will ask her to think over it and ask her to ask me again in 5 min about what is bothering me.

Do not fear of makIng her mad. There will always be something that will makes her angry or emotionally uncontrollable. You can't prevent that. Accept that she is angry at that moment and that it is not your fault (if that is so), but you are the person and the target at that moment which she uses to  go berserk on. Try to validate her emotions and regulate her feelings and emotion at that moment, try not to go JADEING on her, but help her through it. Doing this long enough will help them and helping yourself in the long run.

You mentioned that she can't help you with anything. I don't think that they can help themselves. In my case, my gf is very disordered in the kitchen and it will be like war zone after she is done. I don't like that either, but I like to spend the time with her cooking and it is fun. The cleaning is a b___ but I don't mind. I would rather spend time with her cooking and having fun then to occupy myself with the thought of the mess she is making of it.

When she says about whatever you did wrong decades ago, try to keep the focus on the issue at hand. Because from my experience. women have that knack anyway. It might be worse with people with BPD condition. I do not say it is easy and that I don't make the mistakes myself. Lord knows how much problem I have myself with my relationship.

[Hmcbart]

I'm sure if you read enough on here you will think someone else is writing a post for you. Yours sounds just like my life except you are learning this information after being together for 3 years. I've been with my wife fir 19 years, married for 17. We have 2 young boys. The option to leave is always there but more difficult with the situation of children and she's a stay at home mom.

If I would have known as much information as I do now, I would have learned then how to handle a lot of these situations. Of course that's hind sight, this is reality. I'm learning now what I wish I could have learned 19 years ago. How to be a better listener and to validate her feelings, even when they are false or illogical. I'm learning now, how important it is to take care of yourself first. Like flying on a plane, they tell you to put your oxygen mask on first because you can't help anyone if you're hurt and unconscious yourself. Come to think of it, that may the most important thing I've actually said.

[Tigersan]

Thanks for the comments. I found that while occassionally validation works, but usually she assumes I am talking down to her, lying to her, or something else.

It might be that I'm going about it wrong. She even asks me to repeat, verbatim, what she says, doing that doesn't work. I'll tell her things like "I understand why *blah* would

make you upset" or "I would react the same way when *blah*". In the heat of the episode usually that sort of thing just pushes her further into it.

Usually she does not notice when I talk to her during an episode. The exceptions would be to gleen something negative out of it or tell me I'm lying. A good example is a clear misunderstanding of what I'm saying and then her telling me that I meant something different. I say "I can see why you would think *blah* because I poorly worded that statement" and she will tell me how I meant to hurt her feelings.

As far as lying about my emotions, I don't know what else to do. If I ever tell her how I feel she ridicules me. Today she told me several times that "You need to man up, be a man." Now that I think about it, that's a pretty go-to line for her. I can say, with a fairly high level of confidence, that she has no idea what my emotional state is ever and I don't think she really cares.

When she is mad, she can yell for an hour or more. There is literally nothing I can do once she gets into an episode and I have tried everything short of violence. I've tried being calm, being emotional, hell I've even cried. I don't know what else to do. She just thinks the absolute worst of me when she is in that mood.

As far as enjoying my time with her doing chores, etc. It's tough when she criticizes so frequently. Cooking is the worst. Maybe I'll set the oven to 400 and she will throw a fit that I didn't set it to 450, even if the cooking instructions clearly say 400. I could give a hundred examples of this.

I really appreciate the feedback and I'm hoping to learn better ways to cope with these situations. I've been reading a lot about what to do over the last year or so and still nothing seems to work. When she is unstressed, she is great to be around, but any sort of responsibility makes her stressed so it's difficult to have a productive marriage.

[Michelle27]

Oh my gosh, for years I used that same word, "episode".  I didn't know what else to call a rage when they came up.  They were all about circular arguing, what I called, "cherry picking" (before we can even address one of his nonstop complaints, he was picking another), venting about how everything is my fault and finally ending with yet another new thing I needed to do that would supposedly make everything better... .at least until the next "episode" when something new would be added to my plate... .   This went on for years.  I would have hope that it would never happen again but of course it would.  I felt like a failure as a wife because I couldn't anticipate or solve it everytime it happened with logic and caring. 

I also realize now how I badly handled myself during those early years.  Major JADEing and arguing back... .at one point I realized I had reduced myself to yelling louder in hopes to be heard.  Of course, I never was heard... .it was always only about his wants and needs, never mine.

When I finally stumbled onto BPD and started validating, he was confused.  You could actually see the wind being knocked out of his sails and the mental search for some way to still unload his poisonous feelings on me.  And he still managed to rage because when he refused to consider BPD and try to get help, I drifted away from reading and learning about tools and could only manage to detach to the point I was 99% out the door when he realized it and guess what?  Suddenly, almost overnight, he flipped a switch and started validating MY feelings and love bombing me to the point that he's now almost pushing me away with that. 

I'm not 100% focused on doing my own work (on losing anger and resentments, taking care of me, NOT allowing myself to be affected by his moods and passive aggressive behaviors, and letting him prove how ready he claims he is to get help).  And I have committed to staying for a certain length of time with boundaries in place to protect me.  I have no idea if we'll make it or not but I will stay for the time being.

Your story sounds so familiar to many of us.  Keep posting here, and by all means, read the lessons to the right and ask questions.  This is a great place for support.

[Jackiec]

Tigersan, I don't know if it would ever change in her behaviour, but the only thing we really can do is to validate her emotions. Eventually, I hope that it does change for you. Validation works when they tell you that they are upset with something and keeping yourself calm and keep validating about the issue at hand works when the rage builds up in my case. Keep it constant, don't try to use different tactics every time, it confuses them and causing them to rant longer.

The terms "I understand" and "I can see why you are upset" is trivial to use, especially when we are the ones who they believe is causing their rage or upsets them. Because in their opinion, it would not have happened if we do understand them. They will accuse us with lying and talking down on them or misdirecting.

It is all about emotions for them and how they are associated with their own feelings. How you communicate your feelings to her is a mystery to me too. I mean, I know that when I say that I am unhappy that she will interpret it as I am unhappy because of you and that you are the source of everything that makes me unhappy, while that is not the truth. That upsets them and that is one of the strongest believe for pwBPD in my opinion. If I share my feeling with them, is either just state that I am unhappy and give her the choice whether she wants to know or not or start with the source that makes me unhappy. Makes it clear that it is not their fault that we are unhappy at that moment.

I am sorry that you have it difficulty with enjoying doing chores together, I do not have immediate tips for that, maybe you can do divide and conquer. For example, she will do one thing in and around the house of her choosing and you will be doing a different one. It might makes her feel she is capable in doing her own thing and you don't get into argument about it. Surely, she will ask you to help to do chores she has picked, but then it is her choice and surely she will rants when something goes wrong, but you can't avoid it. Maybe this will create a win-win situation eventually.