Repairs that leave me feeling worse

[takingandsending]

Last night, my uBPDw asked me if there were any (communication/emotional) repairs that we needed to do from earlier in the day. This was a carryover from a discussion that we had with our MC the previous day. The whole notion of repairs seems pretty foreign to BPD - am I safe to guess that is other's experience?

She asked if there were any repairs that I wanted to discuss, stating that she didn't think so - we had had a decent enough day, even working together in the garden. Truthfully, I did have a repair of a hurt that I wanted to talk about but had already chickened out of bringing it up earlier. Given the invitation, I bit, and asked about the following scene from earlier in the day. We were at a garden shop to buy compost and soil. I also wanted to make it fun for my sons and let them get some seeds to plant, especially my S3 who is really into gardening and wanted to plant seeds as part of some family time yesterday. I wasn't very clear in my motivations, i.e. get in and out of the garden center quickly to get on to the good stuff, planting seeds, and to make it fun for the kids (and me).

Wife (seeing me looking at seeds): What are you getting those seeds for? I didn't know we were buying seeds. I thought we were just getting compost and soil.

Me: I just wanted to get some flower and pumpkin seeds for the kids for fun.

Wife: Well, we need carrots, chard and beets. Besides, I don't buy those seeds. I like this company's because their seeds are suited for our climate. You really don't make use of my knowledge about these things.

Wife to S9: What are you doing? I can't think when you are doing that. [He was antsy and shaking a seed display]

Wife to S3: Stop hitting me. You have to be patient. We're getting the soil so that you can plant your seeds!

At this point, it was apparent to me that both S9 and S3 were tired from an earlier hike and were needing to be out of the small space. My S9 did try to pick up some seeds that interested him but was told to put them back and stop interrupting her. I felt all the weird control stuff (mine and hers, I guess) squeezing the fun out of this, so I took the kids to the car and got them coloring or doing other stuff. After 5 minutes, I left the kids in the car, walked back in the shop.

Me (seeing wife holding lots of different packets of seeds, discarding all but one I had picked for the kids): I know that buying seeds is really fun and special for you, but the kids are in the car waiting. Is there a compromise that we can work out?

Wife: There could be.

Me: I can keep the kids in the car with me.

[Silence, while I wait to hear what she has to offer, which was nothing. No compromise. Nothing.]

So, given the invitation for a repair at bedtime, I said that I didn't feel like she heard me when I offered a compromise earlier at the garden shop. I felt hurt that I reached out for an agreement, but she seemed to ignore it. The repair that she offered was to point out that I wasn't clear enough and that she works much better with, "Finish up in here; I want to leave." She went on to state she didn't even want or plan on buying seeds but when she saw me doing it, she felt obligated to buy some because that's what I wanted. I stated that this repair wasn't going well, I didn't feel any empathetic understanding from her, and that I was not willing to continue with it. She finished by saying that she really doesn't know what role she is supposed to take on in a repair and thought that my understanding where she was coming from would bring me relief (funny how JADE from a BPD actually doesn't feel any better than when we JADE to them).

Things like this leave me feeling really used and lousy. I already felt like I had not taken care of myself by bringing it up earlier before bed. Then, even though the invitation was offered to do repairs, she actually has no capacity to step outside of herself for a second to actually do one. I don't want to throw the baby out with the bath water - that she even offered was a step in the right direction, but she even remarked that she doesn't remember what she said or why she said it during times like that. I keep finding that the stuff that I am finding hard to self soothe are the times when I am vulnerable like this. I can't live my life being impervious to hurt. I know I have to go to other outlets to get care. I just don't know if I can accept that. Basically, all repairs will come from me. All understanding will come from me. And I just have to find mine somewhere else. I don't see how to make a situation like this work.

Muddled. 

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[Michelle27]

I can so relate to this.  I intellectually understand my uBPDh's inability to "be there" emotionally for me, and know I can't depend on him for that.  But it kills me that I worked so hard to be there for him for years with nothing reciprocated and although he is seeking treatment and making efforts, I don't know how long I can hold out in a relationship like this in which I feel like I'm giving and he is taking.  Sometimes I think after so many years of "bad", even though he is trying, I have wasted more than enough of my life and I want a normal relationship.   *sigh*

[Notwendy]

Consider progress, not perfection. An actual apoolgy is rare for someone with a PD. I think because this activates so much shame and self hatred if they actually consider they have done something to apologize for. The blame " you didn't say this right, or clearer" is a common one. However, even the attempt at a "repair" is huge for them.

To be honest, I didn't understand the best way to apologize having listened to my mother's form of apology, which is really a JADE, but that is an apology. If I consider her FOO- they don't apolgize either, and they are very invalidating.   An apology is typically an explanation or good reason for the behavior that they are apologizing for- thus an excuse for it, which to them is enough. Kind of like saying "Johnny missed school today because he wasn't feeling well" instead of "Johnny is sorry that he didn't go to school".

In MC, your T can guide your wife to a more validating form of an apology as this is likely to cause dysregulation, but if she can apologize while feeling validated than this is good. Our MC has guided us thought this. We can't do it well on our own.

Learning to self soothe is key here. Also the timing. Bedtime is the worse time to bring this stuff up. Also consider how you are feeling when she brings something up. I used to take the bait, but you don't have to if you are upset at the moment.

My mom has regrets about how she treated me during my childhood. She has aluded to that. I know that if I pursue it and go after her for all that she did, it would be counterproductive. I accept that she has offered some clue to her regret as a very big step, and adding to the shame at the moment would not lead to better communication with her.

My H and I were watching a show where one of the kids had some issues and the father was supportive of the mother. My H was pretty uncomfortable watching it. I resisted the urge to lash out at him for being absent when I was dealing with the kids when they were little. Later on he said " I guess you felt I left you alone". As much as I wanted to let him have it for that, or agree with that, I said nothing. Maybe that is selling out or not, but I felt that he already was feeling more shame than I needed to add to it.

You could reinforce your wife's attempt to repair by saying that you appreciate that she wanted to do this. Taking issue could trigger her "I'm not good enough, so why try" response.

Small steps could be big ones for pwBPD.

[takingandsending]

Hey Notwendy. 

I get it. I do recognize efforts. But I'd almost rather be in denial than be vulnerable around my wife. It would be easier to lie and say, no, nothing hurting here than try to communicate and watch it tank.

Another example. Recently we asked each other 30 questions from a website she had found  - questions that were to promote intimacy. Knowing our issues, I felt this was highly unlikely, but what do I do here? Say no and press her rejection buttons, or say yes and open up to having my rejection buttons pressed. So, I went in with a fair bit of caution and care. The last question is actually a request to stare into each other's eyes for 4 minutes without words, without interruption. She bailed after about 90 seconds. I could see that as 90 seconds of being closer to one another. I could look at the whole exercise as 20 minutes of talk where we didn't have contention. Those things are valid and true. But, there is not enough intimacy or closeness to build much on, and in the end, it kind of sucks.

Some people have been talking of their discomfort of being painted white. For me, what I am having most difficulty coming to grips with is how I keep showing up, keep trying to be here in case she shows up. Even when I know that that "she" doesn't really exist anymore, was just some part of her disorder that I believed in and ... .well, loved.

Yes, it progress of a sort, but I need to work out the part that makes me feel okay for myself without needing her to help me get there.

[Notwendy]

I know this hurts. At least she tries the questions and things like that. That kind of thing would send my H running. He hates this kind of stuff. Maybe that's also part Venus and Mars. He's not into talking about feelings. The eye staring thing, I think that is in the book Passionate Marriage. That got my H's attention. However, I was too angry and resentful to think about passion and I find that I can not look him in the eye for long.

Maybe it is hard for your wife to do this too. pwBPD have deep inner emotional wounds.

I guess in time, I just had to accept that this part would be difficult, and move on from trying so hard on my end to connect with him this way. I am not  looking for someone else, and we have kids, and so I figured that acceptance of how things are was what I needed to do. My first priority was not to be treated poorly- stop the rages, circular talking, endless arguments. The other part was to accept that if I expected my H to "walk" emotionally when he could hardly "crawl" then I was setting myself up for disappointement. I can hope for progress though.

I don't know if we can establish what a person is capable of, as the presentation of BPD varies. I know that my mother is not capable of emotional intimacy- but this is an elderly woman with severe untreated BPD her whole life. My H is not nearly that affected, and has made small steps.

[Riverrat]

Even when I know that that "she" doesn't really exist anymore, was just some part of her disorder that I believed in and ... .well, loved.

Yes, very much the hardest part for me as well. I try to imagine what my r/s would be like as we are today--without all the raging, yelling, and destructive comments, of course.

I think we would be more like roommates, each doing our own things.

Hopefully, some intimacy would reappear over time, but a part of me believes that is just not possible with her.

[formflier]

 

Can you describe what you would have liked her to do?  What would have been a good repair.

She is trying!

Keep working on it

[takingandsending]

Hi ff.

Repairs go along the lines of, "I am sorry you got hurt by ___. If I could do it over, I would have said/acted/done ____." So, in this instance, "I am sorry I you were hurt when I didn't respond to your offer of compromise. If I could redo it, I would have offered to finish up in 5 more minutes so that you knew I was considering your needs."

Pretty simple. I actually used to try to do repairs when my wife was in the midst of dysregulations, but that was before I knew about BPD. It actually would sometimes stop her in her tracks, but then she would go right back to her rage, blame cycle. At the time, I felt pretty discouraged, like my best efforts to make things better weren't working. Now boundaries help a lot.

And I want to be clear. I do give her credit for trying. Generally, after MC, she is willing to try tools we talk about for a couple of nights before reverting back to well formed habits. And I do the same, to be honest. It takes muscles to make these new behaviors work. But the point of this post was the dilemma of opening up and being vulnerable when it often ends up with hurt. Something I think you also posted about recently. That's where I am struggling.

[formflier]

 

Repairs:  Interesting concept... .

You are right about having to retrain muscles... .

ff

[takingandsending]

Repairs are one of the Gottman communication tools for couples.