I'm still fairly new here. I've posted a bit about my uBPD(x/bf) of 2 years on these threads already:
My background:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=272817.0 Recent issue:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273461.0He is leaving the country for 3 months. He leaves exactly a week from today. Things are terrible right now. I am heartbroken and a wreck.
For almost 2 years our relationship has been an intense roller coaster ride (no surprise there). He has broken things off with me a number of times, but with the exception of one 1.5 month breakup, the separations have been brief (but distressing). Throughout these though, he has always remained extremely attached, and, despite his deficits (all typical BPD stuff) he's been quite loving. He is the pursuer/chaser/initiator. I am the receiver, the soother; I try to stay calm and accept what comes my way. It's definitely co-dependent behavior pattern. And it's worked, perhaps too well, as we are still quite attached.
I have my own attachment issues, which I'd categorize as insecure-type attachment. In some ways I thought I was growing in this area by being with him. His persistence, his expressiveness, the apparent "integrity" of his love (though maybe it was just neediness) have in some ways allowed me to relax and not stress the ebb and flow of the relationship as much as I once did. It's also helped me to feel safe in expressing my love for him (which was difficult for me before). He'd pull away at times by "breaking up" with me for a few days or a week, but never stopped declaring his love. The past month and a half have been different. He has pulled away quite dramatically and it really hurts.
He has an extremely unconventional lifestyle. Frequent, low-budget trips are a big part of it. He's gone on a number of trips since we've met, but only at the very beginning of our r/s has he gone on a long one like this (4 months to southeast asia, where he studied martial arts). I think the way he feels about that particular trip now is that it was an amazing opportunity that he wasn't able to enjoy it because he was so miserable the whole time. missing me.
Still, he has wanted, for some time, to return to southeast asia and travel around europe. This trip has been looming on the horizon for a long time, though he's barely been able to speak to me about it. He finally bought his one-way ticket about 2 weeks ago, without even telling me. He plans to be back within 3 months.
In between the first long trip and the one coming up, he's gone on a bunch of shorter trips. I started to notice that he has distanced himself from me before almost every one of these trips. Sometimes he's even broken up with me prior to them. Mostly, he's just withdrawn, only to somewhat desperately establish some deep bond with me just prior to leaving. He's said things like "I'm afraid to go away from you…I’m afraid to even be in a different room from you." -- even prior to 4-day trips, which has always kind of baffled me.
He also claims to experience a lot of guilt about these trips. I sometimes wonder if this is a form of projection. I don't mind when he goes away for a week or so at a time. Yet he'll generally be defensive and pre-emptively angry when he tells me that he's going. He believes (wrongly) that I don't want him to go. I've wondered if perhaps the projection taking place is that he fears separation from me, but that this is at odds with his image of himself as an independent man and world traveler, so he projects the fear and separation anxiety onto me. (Alternatively, maybe he truly does feel guilty -- perhaps because he wants to sleep with other women on these trips -- and truly does resent me for the guilt he feels). The reality is, he's generally been rather clingy while he's away -- calls me many times, etc.
Anyway, as I mentioned, the past 1.5 months have been horrible. He's REALLY distanced himself during this time period. He's never been like this before. Though we are still sleeping together and say "I love you" we are suddenly definitively NOT in a "relationship". We've seen/communicated with each other less frequently during this time. In large part because he's taken 3 "pre-trips" to say goodbye to or spend time with various friends/family prior to his "big" trip, so he's been gone a lot (including one trip to the woods where he had no cell phone reception for 7 days).
We also went through this unprecedented thing where neither of us contacted the other for 5 days. He is generally the one to initiate contact. But a few weeks ago, after texting him something nice, I didn't hear from him. I didn't reach back out to see why. After 5 days of radio silence, I texted him. He responded right away, not acknowledging the silence, but complaining of what sounded like a bizarre and intense fit of agoraphobia, during which he was barely able to leave his house, couldn't handle going to the supermarket or drugstore, or taking the subway (he linked this with migraines and fear of having a seizure -- he's had few seizures in the past, and is very fixated on identifying as an epileptic, though I have my own theories about both the seizures and this new complaint of agoraphobia).
I'm not sure if he was testing me with no-communication episode. As soon as I reached out to him, he responded right away. And it became apparent that he wanted to see me (the next day -- though he was somewhat cautious/sheepish about asking). When I gently brought up the fact that we didn't talk for 5 days, he got extremely upset and said "I responded as soon as you contacted me, right?".
The past few times we've hung out have dissolved into him getting very angry, despite me trying to be on my best behavior.
I hate thinking about relationships in terms of power, because it feels so petty. But the balance of power has clearly turned. I am feeling clingy and anxious -- things I've never experienced with him before. When he first started withdrawing, I thought I could reduce his anxiety by doing a better job of reassuring him more and being more available (since he’s been quite insecure about my love for the majority of our relationship and holds it against me). This led me to be more proactive about expressing my love and care, initiating a bit more, etc. I thought that this could improve our relationship, but it seemed to have the opposite effect.
A month ago he called it "too little, too late." From this point, my own anxiety really did begin to grow substantially. I could have handled him pulling away in normal circumstances, but with this trip on the horizon, it's all become very difficult for me. I feel that I've even been weak/pathetic in a few instances.
Whereas before I perhaps enabled some of his craziness, by being receptive to him no matter what, I think now I am doing worse: rewarding his coldness and cruelty.
I think senses he has more power than before. I think he is in part trying to punish me for the many times he's felt "powerless" in relation to me. Or perhaps it has activated his fear of enmeshment. Or it may be a defensive mechanism because he truly is afraid of leaving for 3 months. Or perhaps he truly wants to be rid of me and enjoy a bachelor-style trip with no guilt.
I'd love to get takes on all of this, but I could also use some help on the very immediate present, and the most effective way for me to proceed. He leaves 7 days from today. We've talked a few times about taking a little getaway together this coming Thursday thru Saturday to his aunt's country house. It would be our one chance to spend quality time together and say goodbye before he leaves.
But he went into another terrible state of disregulation this weekend, and the whole possible getaway to his aunt's got thrown into question. I remained pretty calm. But it got so bad that he wound up just fighting with me, despite my pleas, and insisting we shouldn't see each other or talk each other—at ALL. He said he didn't see the point of us bonding if he was leaving for 3 months. But he also said hurtful things, including that he "felt trapped". Ugh, it makes my stomach turn with shame to think about that.
He said he's not able to be in a relationship (he's said this before, but has continued, until recently, to pursue me very intensely and profess undying love for me.). He said can't be what I need and really hates himself for that, and he's tired of feeling guilty and bad about himself. He also said that he would hook up with people while he was traveling (I already know this, and do not plan to remain celibate while he travels either, as I did last time).
On many levels what he says makes sense. But something more is going on. He left my apartment in a highly disregulated state, the implication was that we wouldn’t see each other again before he left for asia – that there was no point. He refused to say or hug me goodbye. It seems in these moments that he wants to punish me – and/or to really destroy, irreparably, whatever we have left. The refusing to hug me just seemed so childish and punitive. As a rule, in any fights, his leaving without saying goodbye is probably the ONE way he can trigger me to be truly upset. He knows this, and regularly uses it against me.
He texted half an hour later: "I'm scared of leaving you. I don't believe there can be right terms." (which I assume stems from black and white thinking -- if he's going to be sad about it, he must makes sure it's truly miserable). He called, shortly after that, and seemed a bit better... .but then the conversation broke down again (I can't even remember how... .but he became angry at me because now his entire day was "ruined". In these instances he usually goes on and on about how he resents spending so much time on the phone—yet in this case, as always, he’s the one who has called, and he is the one refusing to get off. This time, I exercised the boundary skills I'm learning about here, and firmly instituted a "time out" for ME to end the phone call.
I haven't spoken to him or texted him since that call, but I've received many texts from him since then. Now, on top of everything else I'm terrified because I haven't responded to the texts, and know that my non-responsiveness triggers him. On the other hand, it (temporarily) makes me feel a bit more in control. It feels better not to respond, than it does to have him walk out of my life in a mean way.
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Some samples of texts, which happened over a 24 hour period yesterday and the day before:
-I'm sure we'll end up going to my aunt's. I love you. I'm sorry. I'm really stressed about leaving in some ways. I'll talk to you tomorrow
-[Another text about going to his aunt's, which shows that he'd actually researched it -- got car rental prices and came up with a bit of a plan]
-Last night was great, btw... .I really enjoyed our meal
-[The next morning]: I love you... .sending all of my love to you
-Love you. My knee is so messed up. I don't even know what the point of going [to southeast Asia to study martial arts] is if it doesn't get better. Either way, I may end up not even working Thursday [meaning we could leave for our getaway earlier, which is what I'd been wanting]... .What are you thinking?
-I hope you are OK... .I love you
-Either way, next Saturday I'm doing a going away thing at my house
-I'm sorry for any way I've hurt you... .I really do love you
Then a super long text that I'm unable to make good sense of: "You've had multiple chances to respond. What I wish I understood is why I am so worried about losing you even as a friend when I love you so much. I don't find these feelings of anxiety to be pleasant. I know you have them too. But it's been ongoing for so long. I love you. But I shouldn't live in fear of losing you when I am just not able to be everything you want or I wish I could be. I really hope I contributed to your happiness in some way. I feel the opposite and hate myself for it. But I already am so troubled as is I would really like to not hate myself. We should have gone out more... .we should have integrated each other socially, etc... .but I can't change that. I also cant' hate myself for it. It's what happened. It doesn't mean I never loved you. But I have a deep anxiety in me... .a deep self loathing. I'm actually really bad at communicating too... .and while I am in love with you, I haven't been what you needed, and I haven't been what our love deserves. I'm sorry for it, but I tried... .I really tried ... .harder than for anyone else my whole life. I can't expect you to appreciate this, but at least I'm telling you this. I'm not a bad guy. I'm unstable, I'm immature. I'm like every other guy I guess, but my heart is in the right place and it doesn't deserve to suffer because of what could have been or what I am missing out on or from not being what you needed. I don't know. I've been anxious all day. I'm always anxious. But I know I will be here for you in the ways I can, and I think some of them really matter. I hope you can do the same for me. PS: you are one of my best friends, regardless.
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At this moment I would love help specifically with a few things:
-I would like to institute some kind of damage control, to help counteract the fact I haven’t texted him back, and perhaps buy a bit more time (though now I’ve gone almost 2 full days not responding, which can’t be good). I was thinking of sending a SET message, along the lines of: I know you are anxious. It must be unpleasant. I needed time and space away from texting, to get my thoughts straight, but will contact you very soon. (thoughts?)
-I would really like help in how I should respond/move forward from here (if I should at all). I am in a weak and fragile state. I'm usually stronger. I'm terrified of having a bad or hateful goodbye. Part of me wonders if I should just leave it all at this. Does responding (which I always do, eventually... .) make me a doormat? I feel like I'm constantly being tossed around. Thrown out, then pulled back. I feel shame and fear.
-Also wondering what you all think of the idea of us going away as planned later this week, just before his departure.
As always, sorry for rambling so long... .and thank you.
