Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 11:57:41 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
204
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: What am I doing?  (Read 636 times)
downnout98
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 115


« on: March 23, 2015, 10:37:41 PM »

I should know better than this. My exBPDgfand I broke up after a big fight over my daughter in December. About a month after we broke up, she found my replacement and he has been living at her house since. We were together for three years.

Anyway, the point of all this is that I am on a business trip with her and it has been difficult. Mutual friends have been telling me that my ex still loves me and wants to come back to me. My ex has been texting me and telling me the same, but when we finally do meet, she plays it so opposite. She calls and texts her b/f in front of me just after she tells me how much she misses the life we had and that she wished that we could be back together. She says that she hesitates to come back to me because she is afraid nothing will change and we will be back to arguing. From what she tells me, she does not argue much with this new guy, but I dont think he is putting up a fight for his rights. I did that when I first met her too and the she railroaded me.

I still love her but I have to ask why am I putting myself through all this. I was trying so hard to detach and I am so confused now. Friends are saying that I should go all in and fight for her but I have to ask if the behavior she is showing me another red flag that I am choosing to bypass. We were to be married and now she is treating me like an affair partner. I must be sick because I am going along with it in hopes that she will come to her senses.

This is incredibly painful to watch and I have three more days of it. How can she say that she loved me with all her heart and soul and the do this? It is the push and pull all over again.
Logged
Mike-X
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: living apart
Posts: 669


« Reply #1 on: March 23, 2015, 10:52:18 PM »

How can she say that she loved me with all her heart and soul and the do this?

I am sorry you are struggling with this. How would you answer your own question? What might you say to a friend who is going through the same thing and asked the same question?
Logged
Svarl1
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 60


« Reply #2 on: March 27, 2015, 04:04:03 PM »

My advice, cliche though it is:

"Behaviour says more than words"
Logged
Aussie0zborn
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 803



« Reply #3 on: March 27, 2015, 05:59:27 PM »

Yes I agree with you, you must be incredibly sick to be going along with this thinking she is going to come to her senses...

Friends are well meaning and like to think they give good advice. Unfortunately they don't know the effects of a BPD so they can hardly offer suitable advice.

Nothing will change, dude.  She doesn't love you. If you get back together the arguments will be worse.

Apart from anything else , you need to be a man and at least say, "she's been with someone else, therefore it is all over between us". If you go slops this time, she will have you going slops for the rest of your life.

Pull yourself our of the gutter and put yourself in a position where you can walk down the street with your head held high. Stop the abuse.  If she ever loved you she wouldn't have gone straight into another relationship or paraded the new relationship in front of you right now.

Pursuing this woman will only give you a life of hell.  Next time your friends say, "you gotta fight for her", or "take the bull by the horns", remember that you haven't told them about all the horrible stuff she did to you or at the very least they have no idea how she has made you feel about yourself.

--------------------

Definition. Of "Slops" (Australian slang).  When a person has multiple male lovers in the one session, the male lover who goes last is said to "go slops" because by this time the situation is very... .umm, sloppy, if you know what I mean. The smart guy goes first and the dumb guy goes last.
Logged
downnout98
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 115


« Reply #4 on: March 28, 2015, 07:37:59 AM »

Yes I agree with you, you must be incredibly sick to be going along with this thinking she is going to come to her senses...

Friends are well meaning and like to think they give good advice. Unfortunately they don't know the effects of a BPD so they can hardly offer suitable advice.

Nothing will change, dude.  She doesn't love you. If you get back together the arguments will be worse.

Apart from anything else , you need to be a man and at least say, "she's been with someone else, therefore it is all over between us". If you go slops this time, she will have you going slops for the rest of your life.

Pull yourself our of the gutter and put yourself in a position where you can walk down the street with your head held high. Stop the abuse.  If she ever loved you she wouldn't have gone straight into another relationship or paraded the new relationship in front of you right now.

Pursuing this woman will only give you a life of hell.  Next time your friends say, "you gotta fight for her", or "take the bull by the horns", remember that you haven't told them about all the horrible stuff she did to you or at the very least they have no idea how she has made you feel about yourself.

--------------------

Definition. Of "Slops" (Australian slang).  When a person has multiple male lovers in the one session, the male lover who goes last is said to "go slops" because by this time the situation is very... .umm, sloppy, if you know what I mean. The smart guy goes first and the dumb guy goes last.

Tough words but true. I guess I felt that I loved her so much that i would take her back. She saw me texting someone and then asked if I was dating someone. I am not but I said yes to see what she would do. She started to panic and then said that she could not be without me. She said that she would get rid of hers if I got rid of mine. She then started to plan a weekend for us to go out of town to connect. I couldn't this weekend because I had other commitments to my daughter. I told her that if she really wanted this then we would have the rest of our lives to have weekends together. It wasn't enough. She said I was rejecting her again because i wouldn't go with her.

Then next day she tells me that she doesn't know if we could be together because her 14 yr old daughter hates me and threatened her that if we got back together, she would move in with her Dad. I was apparently painted black. I did everything for her daughter. She even told me that she felt that I was more of her dad than her real dad was. Now the daughter prefers the new guy and gets mad at her mom for even having thoughts of me. This is all only three months removed from a 3 year r/s.

What a mess.

So anyway, exgf said that she was going to ask her bf to leave. Well that is not happening anymore.

Logged
downnout98
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 115


« Reply #5 on: March 28, 2015, 08:20:07 AM »

She kept saying that she loved me and saying the fact that she was crying so much on the plane ride there, again in the plane ride back. That whenever we talk she cries for me, that she even cries in front of this guy.

All a sham?
Logged
Mike-X
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: living apart
Posts: 669


« Reply #6 on: March 28, 2015, 09:05:00 PM »

She kept saying that she loved me and saying the fact that she was crying so much on the plane ride there, again in the plane ride back. That whenever we talk she cries for me, that she even cries in front of this guy.

All a sham?

Unfortunately, only she knows, and she is probably very confused about it all.
Logged
downnout98
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 115


« Reply #7 on: March 28, 2015, 10:53:16 PM »

I don't know what to believe anymore. I saw how much she cried and I cried too.
Logged
JohnLove
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 571



« Reply #8 on: March 29, 2015, 01:53:36 AM »

Definition. Of "Slops" (Australian slang).  When a person has multiple male lovers in the one session, the male lover who goes last is said to "go slops" because by this time the situation is very... .umm, sloppy, if you know what I mean. The smart guy goes first and the dumb guy goes last.

Umm... .fairly graphic... .but I knew exactly what you meant, because I'm in Oztraylier. 

You do have a point though, but it doesn't have to be in the same session. Where I am from even someone else's ex girlfriend that has been disbanded for "negative" reasons can qualify.

Once someone else has slept with your intimate partner how can you go back?... .it would never be the same. Not for me anyway. That intimate act in my mind is reserved for only the most special of persons when inside a relationship. Not someone that has little regard for your closeness and intimate connection.

This is a boundary that I don't want broken for me.
Logged
apollotech
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 792


« Reply #9 on: March 29, 2015, 02:26:57 AM »

Forget what she's saying. Her actions are telling the tale. Look at one thing: what she is doing to the other guy (behind his back) with you. You will be him at some point.

Forget the advice of your friends: if you have to "fight" for someone then you don't want/need them.
Logged
Mike-X
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: living apart
Posts: 669


« Reply #10 on: March 29, 2015, 08:28:10 AM »

I don't know what to believe anymore. I saw how much she cried and I cried too.

Have you read this:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves
Logged
downnout98
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 115


« Reply #11 on: March 30, 2015, 07:57:41 AM »

Yes this is helpful. Thank you
Logged
downnout98
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 115


« Reply #12 on: March 30, 2015, 10:48:50 PM »

Well at least I know that I gave it a chance. I realized that I would want to continue a life with her, and I gave her the choice. The life she has now with this new guy of only 3 months or to continue the life we had of 3+ years and all the memories we shared. I told her that she keeps saying all these things about loving me and missing me, etc, etc but she does nothing about it. Her answer was that it was too complicated a decision and she couldn't make it right now. That she hated my family because they didn't support her during this break up. They encouraged me to stay away because they witnessed quite a bit through the years. She said that his family loves her and that he has not done anything wrong yet. That he treats her well. That her daughter hates me because I didn't come back when her mom was crying for me. She still chooses this guy because according to her there is no drama. It's just new in my mind.

So I guess she made her decision. I never thought I would say it but I was actually willing to overlook this guy in her life and take her back.
Logged
Noah

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 10


« Reply #13 on: March 30, 2015, 11:36:55 PM »

To answer your first question... .yes you are sick.  All of us are sick if we allow ourselves to be continually mistreated and we stay in the relationship.  Somewhere in our brains we must think we don't deserve better or we are just afraid of change.

Second question... .as someone previously mentioned, listen to her actions not her words.  Actions always tell the truth.

Lastly, precipes behavior is the best indicator of future behavior.  With that in mind, ask yourself why you would stay involved with someone who cheats thus putting your health at risk. 

Clarity is best achieve away from the chaos and in the presence of wise council.  Have some alone time to think about things.  Go to family and friends who you trust their judgement for advice is you still aren't sure what to do.
Logged
Mike-X
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: living apart
Posts: 669


« Reply #14 on: March 31, 2015, 12:26:54 AM »

Well at least I know that I gave it a chance. I realized that I would want to continue a life with her, and I gave her the choice. The life she has now with this new guy of only 3 months or to continue the life we had of 3+ years and all the memories we shared. I told her that she keeps saying all these things about loving me and missing me, etc, etc but she does nothing about it. Her answer was that it was too complicated a decision and she couldn't make it right now. That she hated my family because they didn't support her during this break up. They encouraged me to stay away because they witnessed quite a bit through the years. She said that his family loves her and that he has not done anything wrong yet. That he treats her well. That her daughter hates me because I didn't come back when her mom was crying for me. She still chooses this guy because according to her there is no drama. It's just new in my mind.

So I guess she made her decision. I never thought I would say it but I was actually willing to overlook this guy in her life and take her back.

Sorry man. You gave her a fair shot. How do you feel? Do you believe any of what she said?
Logged
Loosestrife
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 612



« Reply #15 on: March 31, 2015, 05:14:53 PM »

There are 2 types of people- those who are monogamous and those who are not. The latter do not change
Logged
downnout98
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 115


« Reply #16 on: March 31, 2015, 10:59:00 PM »

Well at least I know that I gave it a chance. I realized that I would want to continue a life with her, and I gave her the choice. The life she has now with this new guy of only 3 months or to continue the life we had of 3+ years and all the memories we shared. I told her that she keeps saying all these things about loving me and missing me, etc, etc but she does nothing about it. Her answer was that it was too complicated a decision and she couldn't make it right now. That she hated my family because they didn't support her during this break up. They encouraged me to stay away because they witnessed quite a bit through the years. She said that his family loves her and that he has not done anything wrong yet. That he treats her well. That her daughter hates me because I didn't come back when her mom was crying for me. She still chooses this guy because according to her there is no drama. It's just new in my mind.

So I guess she made her decision. I never thought I would say it but I was actually willing to overlook this guy in her life and take her back.

Sorry man. You gave her a fair shot. How do you feel? Do you believe any of what she said?

Well I did give her a fair shot and it didn't turn out so well. I'm ok though, just need to get back to working on me again. Things looked promising yesterday and the today was a 180 degree turn. I didn't hear from her till noon and then all of a sudden I started receiving texts saying that she couldn't be with me because I rejected her. It was full blown everything was my fault and that if only I would have come home when she asked and begged then none of this would have happened, etc, etc. it was bad and rage over texts. I tried defending myself but after a while a just gave up. She hardly recognized the fact that she kicked me out and chased me to take my keys away. That was ok in her mind because she said that she chased after my heart the next day but I rejected her when I didn't come back. It was all my fault.

I couldn't even bring up the fact that she moved a guy in a month after we broke up. According to her that was irrelevant because I was the one rejecting her. Lol.

This is all just crazy. Push and pull all over again. I love you then I hate you. I know better than to stick around for this.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!