Where to start?

[trymakingsense]

Well here goes.   I love my wife, but often feel like she is a bag of mixed candy ... .you put your hand in hoping to grab a sweet piece of candy; but you never know what you are going to get.    It's been a tough road throughout our marriage of 30-plus years.   She still talks about how she was teased in school and felt dumb and put down by so many of her teachers and classmates.   If I question her judgment on something all the feeling of when she was young come rushing back and I get an extreme response to a simple issue.   

I realize I can't fix her, but it's tough!  Little things that I would consider minor infractions generate extreme emotional reactions.   She knows I will never leave her and sometimes I feel, since I am the closes one to her I pay the price for how others have treated her when she was a child.   Our children are grown and out of the house and I would like to be closer to her, but I am tired of being treated nice one day and like a piece of dirt the next for no apparent reason.   Sometimes her emotions simply overwhelm her.   Several years ago we lost our youngest daughter in an accident!  She works herself up so much around our daughters birthday, holidays and any other special occasion it unbelievable.  I so very much loved out daughter too, but to go through this emotional roller-coaster several times a years it really tough.  Lately I have been trying to detach emotionally for the simply purpose of self protection.   There is do much more I could say but figure might generate some conversation.   Thanks 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Hi trymakingsense

Good to see you here wanting to improve your relationship. It seems you have a good grasp on your wife's triggers and underlying issues. These do seem to be common themes we come across, and many of us have similar back stories.

Sometimes we get so wrapped up in what is going on with our loved ones we overlook our role in the dynamics. However we cannot control our loved ones, but we can control our own behaviors and reactions. Unfortunately we are often at a loss as what to do as everything seems to be to no avail.

You are correct in thinking that self protection is highly important, after all you can't support anyone else if you are shaky yourself. A great place to start to understand the principles involved and provide some structure can be found here:

Understanding your role in the relationship

This will introduce you to some helpful lessons. please take a look and let us know if there are any aspects which ring any bells and you would like to explore further

Waverider

[an0ught]

  trymakingsense

I realize I can't fix her, but it's tough!  Little things that I would consider minor infractions generate extreme emotional reactions. 

extreme emotional reactivity is often a function of

- high level of emotional excitement - close to dysregulation

- lack of consistent boundaries, very close enmeshed relationship

you can use validation to help her a little on the former. She is struggling with grieving and it is important to give her feedback that you see what extreme pain she feels. Validating negative emotions is not so easy but please spend effort learning to do it well. Verbalizing it helps her and makes it easier to perceive that these unpleasant emotions are on the other side i.e. no on your side i.e. you are ok... This is often less stressful than trying to ignore an acting out partner that needs attention.

Check out: COMMUNICATION: Validation - tools and techniques

What do you think?

[formflier]

 

trymakingsense,

I want to join the others in welcoming you.  I am looking forward to your next post!

You have found a place that will help educate you on what you can do to improve the dynamics in the r/s (relationship).

 

FF

[NGU]

I love my wife, but often feel like she is a bag of mixed candy ... .you put your hand in hoping to grab a sweet piece of candy; but you never know what you are going to get.

It's interesting to read the varied ways we all say the same thing.

As you noticed, waverider and an0ught gave you two links from the Lessons located to the right. I don't want to overwhelm you, but there's also something else to keep track of while you're on the site.

Using the search bar will also bring up older relevant discussions on subjects you may be interested in. Its a bottomless pit of info.

I bring this up because you mentioned detachment. Michelle27 started a thread on that just 4 days ago.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273893.0

-NGU