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Author Topic: New to the BPD family and am in deseparate need of help.  (Read 398 times)
Circle T

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« on: March 24, 2015, 12:16:31 AM »

Not sure where to introduce myself and situation/scenario, so I'll do so here. I am very concerned about my fiancée reading this and me losing all hope of helping her and being there for her! But I do not know where to turn for assistance... .I am way out of my league/comfort zone! SO here it goes. If she does read this I pray she will understand just how much I unconditionally love her and to what length I am wiling to go to help her through this!

I am a 54 yr old widower. My wife of 30 yrs passed away about three yrs ago from breast cancer. I have three kids (20, 18, 16). So I haven't dated really since high school, couple of dates in college but nothing serious until I met my wife.

She was very easy going, very forgiving, understanding so my experience with how women truly are is terribly limited. I am only aware of how she was by the words of my friends and their comparison of their own wives. This is in no way to say that my fiancée is bad... .BY NO MEANS, she has tremendous qualities that my wife never had.

About year ago I decided to start dating again, after the advice of close friends and family. So I started on-line dating. Starting dating a lady (about 10 yrs younger) that has been married and divorced three times. We hit it off from the very start. We have been intensely dating for over a year. We got engaged about three months ago. I started to notice a slight change in my fiancée's behavior a several months ago but early on just dismissed it as bad day or PMS. I have literally no experience with PMS, my wife didn't have periods so no PMS. But in the last few months her behavior has become more concerning than even acute bouts of PMS, which she does have. Am concerned she has BPD with narcissistic tendencies. At times she can go from this loving, caring, kind, passionate, compassionate woman to a fit of rage with cursing, somewhat violent behavior, which lasts for about two hours. She says things that I know she doesn't mean but says them anyway. She has never struck me, but its as if she is a completely different person... .Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Then she returns to who she was. She has had told me of other relationships other than marriage that have a lasted from a few months to a couple of years. She says that they have either cheated on her or they have had problems and she broke it off with them. One went back to his separated wife, one had too much drama, one smoked, one cheated on her, one drank too much. I do not drink, smoke, do recreational drugs, or other at risk behaviors. I believe the things she has told me regarding her previous marriages and relationships, I have verified them through a very close friend and one other reliable source. But what I have also been told is that because she may be BPD, this probably contributed to some of the broken relationships. One very reliable source told me that no one has ever expressed love for her like I have or taken such an interest in trying to help her. I cannot just "move on" and leave her to try to figure this out herself. I desperately want her to open her heart to want to get help. Because my reliable source told me that no matter how much I want to help her, if she doesn't want help, I can never force her to get help. She has a childhood history of being abused and neglected by her biological mother. She basically abandoned her at the age of 4 and prior to that left her with whomever the mother could find, irregardless of who they were. Her mother had a promiscuous life style and was/is a alcoholic (and maybe even a drug user) having many men in her life and still does to this day. Her Dad remarried and got custody of her and her step mom was not as loving or accepting as she needed to be for her, which caused even greater emotional issues. Even to this day she cannot stand to see her step mom. I have met just about everyone in her family(s) and they all love me. I have introduced her to most of my family and they are not happy. I contributed this to they are still in a stage of grief and they compare her to my wife... .WHICH IS NOT FAIR! There are other thing that she does that lead me to believe that she is BPD. She is very beautiful and takes great time and pride in her appearance, but her life is extremely disorganized and in such a state of chaos. She is does not take time to pick up after herself and leaves clothes, dirty dishes, papers, stuff all over her house. She does work very hard and started a new job recently and is greatly understaffed. So I have discounted this greatly. She enjoys facebook very much. I don't do much on facebook, never seem to have enough time. While we are together, she will be looking tough facebook, texting, or looking at something on her tablet. This is while I am sitting or lying right next to her. I have always thought this to be a little impolite, but then I also thought that maybe I'm just old school. I rarely if ever do I text or look at my phone when I'm with her and facebbook will never be more important than her to me. She has some unusual scars which look like burns, she says they are from acne from her polycystic ovarian disease, which she has. Several months ago some of the wounds were very large, about the size of pencil eraser and she would pick at these relentlessly, creating bigger wounds. She loves to run, but she will run at all hours of the day. Sometimes late at night or very early in the morning, which to me for a beautiful woman should not be doing... .seems to risky, especially where she runs in a rural setting, next to woods and by herself! I got her pepper spray and a tazer because she did not want me to run with her. She does not carry them with her. There are times (days at a time) that she does not want me around, because she wants to be alone and needs downtime. I have discounted this also, because I can be somewhat intense... .but certainly not in a bad way... I guess. She is never afraid o speak her mind no matter the situation, environment or who is around. Her first interaction with my kids, she admonished my oldest son for not speaking more kindly to his siblings at dinner. There have been times when we are apart that she seems to panic about not being able to get ahold or speak to me. There has always been a reason why. Church, left phone at home, in another room, bathroom, etc. I will explain to her the circumstances surrounding why she couldn't get in touch with me and she gets over it pretty quickly (few minutes).

There is so much more I would like to tell you about her, but do not want to over load you with information. I have NEVER LOVED anyone the way I love her. Not even my wife of 30 +yrs. I tell my fiancée this almost constantly and that I will NEVER leave her... .which is true! I will never leave her... .our breaking up will be her decision. I want her to know her days of worrying about abandonment are over and she can finally trust the man she has been praying for, for a long, long time. I am not perfect... .far from it. I have not always done what I needed to do while I was married and have told my fiancée EVERYTHING from my past. Things my wife never knew.

Please let me know how I should proceed, and what things I can do to help her want to get help and create an environment for our long term relationship.

Thank you
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waverider
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« Reply #1 on: March 24, 2015, 02:24:03 AM »

Welcome CircleT and thank you for sharing with us.

The patterns you describe are certainly classic BPD traits.

Can you fix her? Probably not. However that being said there is a lot you can do to understand this disorder and how best to improve your relationship, and protect yourself from the worst of it. There are many tips and tools here to help you with that.

The heightened 'good' is just as much part of it as the bad. Is there any particular areas that concern you the most that you would like to discuss in more detail? We are here, we have been through it, and still are.

How do you feel you are with your personal boundaries, or do you feel like they get trampled at times?

Waverider
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OffRoad
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« Reply #2 on: March 24, 2015, 05:17:22 PM »

Hi CircleT,

I'm glad you have found this site. You will find a lot of good information in the lessons, links over to the right.

Your reliable source is correct. No matter how much you want to help her, if she doesn't want help, you can never force her to get help. But you can help yourself, and her somewhat by association, by discovering what drives the BPD and the bast ways to interact with it.

The hardest thing you have in this mix is your 16 year old (possibly the 18 and 20 year olds if they are still at home), keeping mind that these three have lost their mother, and another person who sometimes rages has been put in her place. (Unless their mother raged for two hours on a semi regular basis, this is going to be tough for them to understand-that you might place her moods before their feelings). It is my opinion that the rages will increase before they decrease, as you have a learning curve at this time.

My current suggestion to you is do not discount anything. This is what she is. If what she says is true, she is always the one who will break up with someone, and it is always their fault, not hers. Her home world is chaos. Facebook is more "real" to her than real life (IMO, because you can present your best self on FB, and no one knows how messed up you might really be). She will speak her mind, and not always (or possibly even usually) with tact or consideration for the feelings of those around her. She will want her own space without telling you where she is, but will insist that you tell her where you are. This is what she is at this time, and may be forever.

From what I have seen, there is usually no getting a pwBPD "through" this. It is what it is and often does not change. What changes is how you interact with the pwBPD, and that sometimes calms the chaos. You have to be willing to live with what you see and change you to adapt to the circumstances.

That being said, what is it you expect from this relationship, long term? How do you think you two should interact?  And what steps have you taken to keep things the way you want them that haven't worked?
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formflier
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« Reply #3 on: March 24, 2015, 05:21:45 PM »



CircleT

I'm glad you are here.  We can help!

Looking forward to your next post in this thread


https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206

Above is a link to the lessons.  You can post questions about the lessons back here and we can help guide you!

ff
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mitatsu
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« Reply #4 on: March 25, 2015, 08:00:48 AM »

Buckle up... .the rollercoaster is about to start
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Circle T

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« Reply #5 on: March 25, 2015, 11:45:54 AM »

Waverider, thank you for your reply and advice. I am committed to understanding everything I can about this disorder so that I can help her and have a life long relationship with her through marriage. There are many questions that will need to be answered in order for this to happen. My hope is that she will realize that she has a need for help and we can walk this path together. From what I have read there are many success stories on this site and others of people that have overcome this disorder. But the first step is coming to the realization that there is a need. This message board and site are invaluable and have already spent countless hours reading and educating myself on this. About 2 months ago I identified what I thought was the issue through reading the Merck Manual and web searches. So my knowing about personal boundaries, validating and other vital relationship building/maintaining technics are in the early stages. I have learned over the past 15+ months triggers to avoid with her and how to be sympathetic (Grace & Mercy), understanding, empathetic which has been very helpful. There are still times that I will do or say something that will trigger a violent episode. Which can be completely demoralizing for me, because what I say or do is never out of my own selfishness, but done out of complete love and devotion to her.

Thank you again and I look forward to hearing more from you. 
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formflier
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« Reply #6 on: March 25, 2015, 12:51:02 PM »

 

Glad to see your next post... .looking forward to more.

Especially in the beginning... .I think we should focus more on getting help for you!  Help you deal with what is going on in life.

Once your wife starts to see you clean up "your side" of the street... .it will "force" her to change some of the things that she does... .because old habits won't be working.

It seems like you have started to learn a lot about BPD.

Which thing that you mentioned has been most important or most impactful as you try to improve your r/s?
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Circle T

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« Reply #7 on: March 25, 2015, 12:55:11 PM »

Offroad, I certainly appreciate your reply and direction/advice.

You are correct regarding the kids. There was a recent verbal exchange during the holidays between my oldest son and her. It got so heated that I stepped in the send each to their "neutral corners". The relationship is still not what it should be, and will require more time to and effort to heal. Before this exchange I asked both of them to just let it go, don't go there... .it isn't worth it and nothing positive will come from this. My daughter loves her and they get along great. But it wasn't always like that. My daughter really needed help with becoming a woman, what and how to wear clothes, make up, etc. All the things that a Dad (this Dad anyway) is completely out of his comfort zone and area of expertise. My SO has done an absolutely amazing with my daughter and have some doubts my wife could have done as well. My youngest son is very a home with her, and he surprises me with his affection. However, after the argument she had with my oldest son, my youngest son's relationship with her took a "hit". His relationship is coming back around.

I guess I used the wrong word "discount". I should have used understanding or sympathy (Grace and Mercy). In my "newbie" situation, I believe that giving more love, understanding and (Grace and Mercy) she will see that she is being treated by someone who truly loves her, COMPLETELY UNLIKE anyone has ever done before. Including her mother, father, step mother, husbands, and other relationships. It has caused her to really take notice whenever she "lets loose" because afterward she is besides herself with remorse and apologies. Something she says she has never done in the past with anyone. I am very hopeful, but I know it will take considerably more than this for her to be free (greatly reduce the) from the BPD.

There are many times that she does want her own "space" or wants "downtime" that at fist just blew me  away... .how can you love someone the way she shows me love one minute and the next be needing "space/downtime"? I also thought that she was having an affair; don't think that anymore. Now I just give her her "space/downtime" and she is fine.

The facebook scenario was an issue. But recently had told her that I thought it was odd/rude that she would want me to be with her and after a few minutes she would start looking at facebook on her phone. Now she involves me when she is on it.

What I truly want/desire from our relationship is for her to come to an understanding that she has an issue, needs help, to be there for her on this path/journey, for us to be married and live a long and happy life together. Fairy Tale? I don't know. I do realize that for any of this to even have a possibility of happening it will require things of me and from me that will push the limits of my abilities. Pray daily for patience, understanding, and strength. I know who she is without the episodes of BPD and believe she can live a much better life than the one she has lived up to now.

She does want to know where I am and what I am doing, but is very tight lipped about her activities and schedule. This was a source of concern for me, again I thought by her knowing where I was, and I didn't know where she was, she was having an affair. Especially, since I live over an hour away and she has lived in the same town for over twenty five years and most of her past relationships are in that town. I do not believe that any longer. She has showed me by her actions and words this is one part/area of her condition that she is not practicing... .promiscuity. The way she dresses, what she does in public, what she says about other women & the way they dress. She has been consistent for the past 15+ months. This could all change, so I am not turning a blind eye to it, but am letting her have her space. Not letting me know her schedule, etc. has come back a bitten her more than once by way of missing out on something she has really wanted to do or participate in. She has admitted that she should of told me her schedule. She does text me when she is going somewhere or where she is.

Thank you again for your advice and your replying.
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Circle T

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« Reply #8 on: March 25, 2015, 01:08:57 PM »

Mitatsu... .thank you for your reply and advice... .

Safety is an important consideration.

But even with my wife of over 30yrs and 3 teenage kids, elderly parents its difficult to know what to expect from one day to the next. True this could be less of a "ride", but then my fiancée would be stuck on this "ride" for the rest of her life with no hope of ever being able to "get off". Many others in her life have simply given up on her, and I believe this has greatly contributed and exasperated her BPD. I have refused to be the "next one" in a long line of those who have abandoned her and given up on her!
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« Reply #9 on: March 25, 2015, 02:17:44 PM »

I wanted to let you know that her needing downtime is not unusual. My H gets overwhelmed with feelings sometimes. If he is already stressed for some reason, he just has to withdraw and he forgets to mention that he needs to do so. He just disappears. It's almost like a recharge for him, though, so I know to just let him have his space.

Do be on the lookout for changes in any of the children who are still living with you. IF your BPDso cycles through rages, it can cause a PTSD type of thing in people around her. They are waiting for her to fly off in a rage and they become a bundle of nerves. I only mention this because at one (very brief) point I fell into the trap of being so concerned about H, I wasn't paying attention to how his behavior affected the children (they were much younger and I knew nothing of BPD). My S was 7 at the time and began withdrawing. I'm not sure he ever completely got over that. Apologies and forgiveness don't erase the words. Not everyone has the same emotional fortitude you seem to have. That is just a heads up.

It sounds like you know this might be a challenging journey and have a good attitude about it. Love will not be enough, but continually learning how to interact will help a great deal. I feel like the more I learn, the more the relationship morphs, and usually to the good. And then something else changes... .
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waverider
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« Reply #10 on: March 25, 2015, 06:28:20 PM »

Waverider, thank you for your reply and advice. I am committed to understanding everything I can about this disorder so that I can help her and have a life long relationship with her through marriage. There are many questions that will need to be answered in order for this to happen. My hope is that she will realize that she has a need for help and we can walk this path together. From what I have read there are many success stories on this site and others of people that have overcome this disorder. But the first step is coming to the realization that there is a need. This message board and site are invaluable and have already spent countless hours reading and educating myself on this. About 2 months ago I identified what I thought was the issue through reading the Merck Manual and web searches. So my knowing about personal boundaries, validating and other vital relationship building/maintaining technics are in the early stages. I have learned over the past 15+ months triggers to avoid with her and how to be sympathetic (Grace & Mercy), understanding, empathetic which has been very helpful. There are still times that I will do or say something that will trigger a violent episode. Which can be completely demoralizing for me, because what I say or do is never out of my own selfishness, but done out of complete love and devotion to her.

Thank you again and I look forward to hearing more from you. 

This is similar to my journey, my partners acceptance of the disorder did take a while. First mentioned by me after gradually introducing the concept after discussing traits separately then slowly linking them in a non threatening way. Eventually confirmed by a T. These ideas had to sit with her for sometime without pushing until she finally declared that this was her problem.

From there though it is not easy sailing as they start to realize more of the past dramas were likely down to their own part in it, they soon realize there is no quick fix, which can lead to depression and desperate behaviors. We ended up going through a period of constant overdosing at this stage, as their defensive barriers have been stripped away and they are yet to learn the healthier strengths to cope.

Not saying any of this will happen, just highlighting that it is a long hard slog, with many ups and downs along the way. This is why you have to look after yourself as it is easy to get exasperated and depressed. Keep a check on where you where, and where you are now, as you progress. You will need this to realize you are actually ,moving forward, as the the more you learn, the more dysfunction you will see. It is as though the light at the end of the tunnel keeps moving further away, you need to keep looking back to see how far you have come.

Sounds like you are approaching this right, you will make mistakes and do less than ideal at times, learn to let this go there is always a next time. At times i just don't even try and let it fall wherever it will as my ability to pick it up again is better. You are allowed to be just human with all the knee jerk instinctive reactions that comes with. Don't set your own bar too high.

Once you have got a handle on over the top conflict and escalation you are well on your way to a rewarding relationship, even if it is still riddled with dysfunctional BPD thinking. Its not all harmful if you are aware of it progress
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