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Author Topic: Girlfriend with BPD broke up with me - is there a chance?  (Read 1530 times)
Bassoutcast
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« on: March 24, 2015, 09:48:31 AM »

Hey guys, this isn't going to be short but here's my story.

Last November I met this incredible girl, she was post-traumatic, after an attempted suicide and anorexic, but we hit it off immediately and became good friends within less then a week (working in the same place). I wasn't attracted to her but I felt a deep connection to her, and realized she was everything I ever dreamed of finding in a woman, so I proposed a date and it was perfect, we both shared our first kiss (both of us never kissed before, me being 20, her 19), and it turned into a fairy-tale of a relationship. I knew I wanted to marry that girl, I even told her that and she was right there with me. I should mention we lived an hour away from each other, at different cities.

She rarely talked about her family but when she did she only mentioned the bad things, I met her parents about 3 weeks into the relationship and found out they're not the devils-in-disguise she depicted them as. Around Christmas she had a big fight with her parents and ran away from home (to my place, of course). I wanted to help her more then anything, and it seemed alright when she came back home next week, but then the pressure from work and her family got to her and long story short I found her crying with a knife and an open cut on her vein outside work. I calmed her down and she went to see a psychiatrist who told her she had BPD and chronic depression, and gave her meds.

She quit that job and I supported her with everything she ever wanted, I offered her to come and live with me and my family (who accepted her as one of their own) and for a while we were planning on moving in together (2 months into the relationship). Then one day she told me she and her mom patched things up and I told her (though disappointed) that it's for the best and supported her decision. I put all of my effort into her and the relationship, always being there for her, basically smothering her with affection... .and forgot about myself completely. When we first met I had lots of friends, I was a corporal at the Adjutant Corps and when off-duty I played in my own rock band. I neglected my friends, quit the army and barely got together with my band, all to be with her.

While we were dating my parents split up, and she was there to support me. I told her time and time again that I have serious abandonment issues, mainly because of my parents fighting for years and years, and she reassured me she will NEVER leave me (going as far as saying "I will never find someone as good as you". But then comes month three and all hell breaks loose. For years, I had trouble controlling my anger, and when she told me she wanted to spend time with her family (the same family she hated weeks earlier to a point she wanted to move out) I didn't understand why she suddenly changed her mind and and snapped a little (not screaming or anything, just not understanding her) and she said she thought I'd understand, and later had a panic attack (she was at work).

I was feeling extremely guilty but she said it was OK and we patched things up. A week later we haven't seen each other again for a few days (each day I've been centering my entire happiness on the fact that we had a potential date that day), and I cried and got upset, but we patched it up again. A few weeks later she told me she got injured at work and I offered (more like begged) to come and help her but she declined and I got depressed and almost suicidal (in retrospect- to guilty-trip her into letting me help her), she said she didn't know what to do and wanted some time alone, I said OK and that I respect that. I thought this was it, that I was going to lose her (abandonment issues), but the next day she contacted me and I told her I learned a lesson and we patched things up.

A week later she slept over at my house during the weekend and we went cycling and she fell and got injured and I carried her (and 2 bikes) about a mile back home, took care of her, she then got food poisoning and I stayed by her side and cared for her, took her home (to another town) and spent night and day taking care of her, to the point I couldn't get up for 2 days after I left because of exhaustion. She started working double shifts at her shop because of an upcoming holiday, and we couldn't meet up for like a week, which I understood, I even came by on the same holiday and gave her flowers, and took care of her on the phone when she had another panic attack.

The day after that, we agreed to meet up, but then she got a "surprise" second shift with a 4 hour break between them, and I had a work interview in a different city when she had a break, she told that to her boss and he said "well you guys can just spend time texting", she told me that on the phone and I flipped, I lost it, I got pissed at her boss and got a nervous breakdown, screeching. She said she had to go, and then I bombarded her with texts saying I'm sorry but with no reply, the day after that she changed her profile picture to a picture of just her (instead of us) and when I called her twice to understand what's going on she said "stop bothering me".

I talked to a mutual friend who talked to her and realized that she thinks I'm acting weird and that I need space to clear my mind (and as someone with fear of abandonment, the fact that she didn't tell me that herself and I had to find out via a friend destroyed me). 2 days later I told her I learned a lot of thing and she said she doesn't believe my words anymore and doesn't trust me, that she's afraid of me because I can flip out at any given moment. She told me I put a lot of pressure on her with the idea of her being my future wife (even though she herself mentioned it multiple times and even looked for places to live with me), that she neglected her friends for me (even though a week before that I asked her why doesn't she have any friends and advised her to spend some time with other people, not just me) and her hobbies (even though I told her over and over she needs to pay attention to her hobbies, going as far as making her promise me that she'd paint/play guitar a few times) and neglected her family, who got offended with her (the SAME family she was trying to cut out a while back).

This was after I told her I thought she's being unfair, that any time she has an issue I come running for her aid and that any time I have an episode she shuts off all connections and throws me under the bus, and that I went as far as leave the army to be with her. I gave her time to think, but about a week later I couldn't wait anymore and told her we need to talk (to which she replied "no s**t". We met up and she told me all of the things above, again, and how she never put effort into anything up until now, and that I saw her as some kind of "project", she told me she had enough and we went to her place to get my stuff (she wanted to give them to me), on the way we had some great laughs and even shared what's going on in each other's lives.

She told me I'd find someone else soon, and when I asked if we could be friends she told me "If I'll ever find myself writing a text to you, then I guess yes". She gave me my stuff and I told her the door is always open if she wants to get back together of just talk, and that I'd always be there for her. We hugged goodbye and she again said that I'll find someone else soon (even though I told her multiple times it's her or nothing). 2 days later I texted her, explaining why I said some of the things I said, and that It doesn't have to end this way. She told me that I "promised" her I wouldn't text her and she sees once again my word isn't worth anything, and to stop bothering her, I wished her a good life and haven't contacted her since (I'ts a week

today).

I love this woman with all my heart, but I seriously don't know what to do, lots of sites suggest NC for a month and then gradually communicating with her, but I think she "split me black", I know for a fact that she'll be at the same concert I'm going to 2 and a half months from now, and I can just wait for around that time to ask her if she'd like to meet up there (small concert, I'll see her anyway).

I don't want to let go, but I need help. It's been a week since my last anger burst, I'm learning to control myself, but I want her back. Please help.
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Mike-X
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« Reply #1 on: March 24, 2015, 10:03:32 AM »

Wow! I got choked up reading your story. Have you read any of the lessons and posts on the staying board? Also the posts on the legal board? You should try to become well informed about what you are potentially trying to get back into.

Can you help me to understand why you want to get back with her, beyond 'I love her with all of my heart.' If you can, go into specifics about what you are getting out of this relationship, what needs and wants of yours are being  met.

Also, what do you think are the root causes of her BPD, and what do you know about BPD recovery?
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Bassoutcast
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« Reply #2 on: March 24, 2015, 10:22:43 AM »

Wow! I got choked up reading your story. Have you read any of the lessons and posts on the staying board? Also the posts on the legal board? You should try to become well informed about what you are potentially trying to get back into.

Can you help me to understand why you want to get back with her, beyond 'I love her with all of my heart.' If you can, go into specifics about what you are getting out of this relationship, what needs and wants of yours are being  met.

Also, what do you think are the root causes of her BPD, and what do you know about BPD recovery?

I've read a TON of lessons and I'm well informed what I'm going into, I've always loved a challenge, and I don't give up easily on something that I want.

She was, and still is, everything I wanted in a woman, I know this will sound like a huge cliche (to say the least), but when I was 16 or so I had planned the perfect image of a woman in my mind - the hair color, the music she likes, the languages she speaks, everything to the minor details, and what can I tell you, she fit perfectly into those categories. I'm VERY picky, and I waited A LONG time for this fantasy to happen, and was so over-the-moon happy when she came into my life, I had plans with her, I gave her every ounce of my attention and support, and above it all - when she was diagnosed with Vaginismus (unable to achieve vaginal penetration) It DIDN'T bother me, I did everything to help her and told her over and over that we'll get through this. All I need is love, and I felt it with her, I felt it for the first time in a long time, I felt special, I felt like the universe is finally paying me back for all of the abuse I've been through when I was a teen (pretty much ignored throughout most of my school years or picked on, no friends, parents fighting at home, I build a wall of sarcasm to keep myself from being hurt again), I lowered my defenses, allowed my dark scars to see daylight for the first time in many years, and she just LEFT ME, fully knowing how much I love her, defenseless. I want this to work, I really do, because I cherish our friendship, because I KNOW we both lose if it ends, I KNOW she needs support, I kind of fear for her life... .Dammit, I love her.

I think the root of her BPD might have many reasons, she was sexually abused as a child once, but she told me she always was a weird kid, and that it can just be something that's been with her since birth. She declined psychiatric aid (and I said "OK", I honestly thought she was getting better) and even didn't get a new prescription for her meds because she thought she was doing better (I supported her).   
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Mike-X
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« Reply #3 on: March 24, 2015, 01:05:59 PM »

I've read a TON of lessons and I'm well informed what I'm going into, I've always loved a challenge, and I don't give up easily on something that I want.

I understand loving a challenge and not wanting to give up on something that you want. It is good that you are learning about BPD. Can you share what you know about the prospects of lasting intimate relationships with people with BPD and general patterns in relationships? Also can you tell me your thoughts on boundaries in relationships?


She was, and still is, everything I wanted in a woman, I know this will sound like a huge cliche (to say the least), but when I was 16 or so I had planned the perfect image of a woman in my mind - the hair color, the music she likes, the languages she speaks, everything to the minor details, and what can I tell you, she fit perfectly into those categories. I'm VERY picky, and I waited A LONG time for this fantasy to happen, and was so over-the-moon happy when she came into my life, I had plans with her, I gave her every ounce of my attention and support, and above it all - when she was diagnosed with Vaginismus (unable to achieve vaginal penetration) It DIDN'T bother me, I did everything to help her and told her over and over that we'll get through this.

I can appreciate that aspects of her matched with your "perfect image of a woman". Have you thought about where the BPD traits (running from relationships, high conflict, attempting suicide) fit in?

I am having trouble understanding why her having Vaginismus didn't bother you?

All I need is love, and I felt it with her, I felt it for the first time in a long time, I felt special, I felt like the universe is finally paying me back for all of the abuse I've been through when I was a teen (pretty much ignored throughout most of my school years or picked on, no friends, parents fighting at home, I build a wall of sarcasm to keep myself from being hurt again), I lowered my defenses, allowed my dark scars to see daylight for the first time in many years, and she just LEFT ME, fully knowing how much I love her, defenseless. I want this to work, I really do, because I cherish our friendship, because I KNOW we both lose if it ends, I KNOW she needs support, I kind of fear for her life... .Dammit, I love her.

I can imagine feeling guarded because of abuse that you have experienced. I am sorry for the abuse that you have suffered. I can also understand that with this girl you allowed yourself to be vulnerable, and now that she left you, you are feeling more vulnerable, correct?  

I could be wrong, and forgive me if I am. Your posts suggest that you are experiencing a good amount of anxiety over this split. Is that correct? If so, why do you think you are experiencing this anxiety? Why do you feel that you "lose if it ends"?


I think the root of her BPD might have many reasons, she was sexually abused as a child once, but she told me she always was a weird kid, and that it can just be something that's been with her since birth. She declined psychiatric aid (and I said "OK", I honestly thought she was getting better) and even didn't get a new prescription for her meds because she thought she was doing better (I supported her).  

You seem to be a good guy providing tons of support to her. Do you now think that she still needs psychiatric treatment and meds? Because you said "OK" to declining treatment, do you feel any responsibility for her current state? She is an adult, correct?
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Mike-X
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: living apart
Posts: 669


« Reply #4 on: March 24, 2015, 01:23:17 PM »

I read your story again. I appreciate that you acknowledged a lot of personal issues that you are wrestling with. I think that that is great. My relationship with my udxGF taught me so much about myself. Have you read through stuff on communication techniques with BPD?
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Bassoutcast
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Posts: 223



« Reply #5 on: March 24, 2015, 01:39:32 PM »

I've read a TON of lessons and I'm well informed what I'm going into, I've always loved a challenge, and I don't give up easily on something that I want.

I understand loving a challenge and not wanting to give up on something that you want. It is good that you are learning about BPD. Can you share what you know about the prospects of lasting intimate relationships with people with BPD and general patterns in relationships? Also can you tell me your thoughts on boundaries in relationships?


She was, and still is, everything I wanted in a woman, I know this will sound like a huge cliche (to say the least), but when I was 16 or so I had planned the perfect image of a woman in my mind - the hair color, the music she likes, the languages she speaks, everything to the minor details, and what can I tell you, she fit perfectly into those categories. I'm VERY picky, and I waited A LONG time for this fantasy to happen, and was so over-the-moon happy when she came into my life, I had plans with her, I gave her every ounce of my attention and support, and above it all - when she was diagnosed with Vaginismus (unable to achieve vaginal penetration) It DIDN'T bother me, I did everything to help her and told her over and over that we'll get through this.

I can appreciate that aspects of her matched with your "perfect image of a woman". Have you thought about where the BPD traits (running from relationships, high conflict, attempting suicide) fit in?

I am having trouble understanding why her having Vaginismus didn't bother you?

All I need is love, and I felt it with her, I felt it for the first time in a long time, I felt special, I felt like the universe is finally paying me back for all of the abuse I've been through when I was a teen (pretty much ignored throughout most of my school years or picked on, no friends, parents fighting at home, I build a wall of sarcasm to keep myself from being hurt again), I lowered my defenses, allowed my dark scars to see daylight for the first time in many years, and she just LEFT ME, fully knowing how much I love her, defenseless. I want this to work, I really do, because I cherish our friendship, because I KNOW we both lose if it ends, I KNOW she needs support, I kind of fear for her life... .Dammit, I love her.

I can imagine feeling guarded because of abuse that you have experienced. I am sorry for the abuse that you have suffered. I can also understand that with this girl you allowed yourself to be vulnerable, and now that she left you, you are feeling more vulnerable, correct?  

I could be wrong, and forgive me if I am. Your posts suggest that you are experiencing a good amount of anxiety over this split. Is that correct? If so, why do you think you are experiencing this anxiety? Why do you feel that you "lose if it ends"?


I think the root of her BPD might have many reasons, she was sexually abused as a child once, but she told me she always was a weird kid, and that it can just be something that's been with her since birth. She declined psychiatric aid (and I said "OK", I honestly thought she was getting better) and even didn't get a new prescription for her meds because she thought she was doing better (I supported her).  

You seem to be a good guy providing tons of support to her. Do you now think that she still needs psychiatric treatment and meds? Because you said "OK" to declining treatment, do you feel any responsibility for her current state? She is an adult, correct?

Thanks for the reply.

I have little knowledge on relationships, most of it was acquired "on the go" while we were testing things out. I know that BPD relationships aren't easy, to say the least, and I was foolish to neglect that aspect while we were dating. I know about black/white thinking, on how they can be loving one day and distant the other day, and I'm sad to say I've learned most of it AFTER the breakup.

I think boundaries are important, and I'm fully aware that I was smothering her, and maybe "always being there for her" was too much, but I asked her multiple times to pay attention to other aspects in her life, so I can't say I didn't make an effort.

The BPD traits - It's no walk in the park, but nothing makes me happier then seeing a smile on the face of a person I care about after I've done something to make them feel better in some way, I have a caring nature, yes sometimes it can express itself with paranoia but mostly I do what I do not because I want something in return, but because I want to help, and I genuinely thought I could help her (and I did help her beat her anorexia and patch things up with her family). I wanted someone to be my "special little lady", someone who I could care for (she even said she wanted to be a stay-at-home mom and work on her art, and it made me so happy).

I was a little disappointed when I found out about the vaginismus, but It's most likely because of the abuse she went through, not like it's her fault, I was more than happy to share intimate contact in many other ways in which we both achieved climax WITHOUT penetration, so I wasn't really in a hurry or anything, we had an active sex life without penetration.  

I think that I'll lose a good friend, we have the same taste in virtually everything, and it saddens me to think that a woman who is so compatible with me in so many ways (to the point where we have the same apartment numbers, mothers with same name, dogs with same name and other things that make it seem like destiny).

I'm experiencing this anxiety because I feel like I've lost everything. I always plan everything in my life, every little step, and I KNOW that my plans work because I've seen proof, and before I met her I had specific plans about my future, then she comes along and I add her to my plans and change my life's course. It's safe to say that I had planned everything, but I NEVER expected her to leave me after all we've been through. Now I'm unemployed and lost, my life has shifted it's course dramatically, and I just feel like a fish out of the water.

I honestly don't know if she needs treatment or not, but it was wrong for me to make that call. She has a condition and I am in no position to judge her well being, I'm not qualified to do so. I think she should have gone/go to a psychiatrist and he should decide how and if she needs to be treated. I do not feel "responsible" for it, she's a grown woman and can make her own decisions, but in retrospect I think I should have insisted on her getting treatment, not trying to cure her myself (which I kind of tried to do).

And sadly, no, I haven't read much about communication techniques. I was more focused about her chronic depression, and I knew that what triggered it was when she thought someone was blaming her for something she did/didn't do. (Like for example - her mother being upset with her not doing the dishes made her run outside and cry on the stairs, sounding almost suicidal on the phone, causing me to rush for her aid because I was afraid she might harm herself again), and helped her identify those triggers. She thought I was blaming her for my troubles, and I think that's one of the main aspects of why she broke up with me (even though I told her multiple times that I'm not blaming her for everything and that those problems are my own and I should deal with them on my own).

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Mike-X
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: living apart
Posts: 669


« Reply #6 on: March 24, 2015, 03:28:26 PM »

Thanks for the reply.

I have little knowledge on relationships, most of it was acquired "on the go" while we were testing things out. I know that BPD relationships aren't easy, to say the least, and I was foolish to neglect that aspect while we were dating. I know about black/white thinking, on how they can be loving one day and distant the other day, and I'm sad to say I've learned most of it AFTER the breakup.

Good. You can be painted black for a long time, more than just a day, months or longer. Have you read about fear of intimacy with BPD and responses to closeness?

I think boundaries are important, and I'm fully aware that I was smothering her, and maybe "always being there for her" was too much, but I asked her multiple times to pay attention to other aspects in her life, so I can't say I didn't make an effort.

From your original post, I got that you were smothering her. However, do you see all of the ways in which she was breaching your 'normal boundaries in relationships'? Even quickly moving in together in a relationship is questionable with respect to healthy boundaries. Regardless of instant attraction and connections felt, it takes time to get to know someone. For example, you have learned a lot about BPD now, stuff that you didn't know about when you felt that early attraction and connection, right? Did you know that feeling attached probably would stir anxiety and fear in her? (She might not have known either.)

What do you know about mirroring and BPD?

The BPD traits - It's no walk in the park, but nothing makes me happier then seeing a smile on the face of a person I care about after I've done something to make them feel better in some way, I have a caring nature, yes sometimes it can express itself with paranoia but mostly I do what I do not because I want something in return, but because I want to help, and I genuinely thought I could help her (and I did help her beat her anorexia and patch things up with her family). I wanted someone to be my "special little lady", someone who I could care for (she even said she wanted to be a stay-at-home mom and work on her art, and it made me so happy).

I can certainly understand this. I have said many times, "my GF is just absolutely gorgeous, and I feel so happy when I make her smile, a beautiful smile that will make your heart melt." However, I now see that this is about my wanting validation and my esteem, i.e., if I make her smile, then I am a good boyfriend, I am entertaining, I am a good guy, I am worthy, I am loveable, etc. I am currently thinking this was/is a part of my engulfment issue, i.e., I was in part defining who I am based on her reactions to me. This is in part why her anger with me, hurt over me, and passive-aggressive cheap-shots affected me so badly in the relationship, and I also now believe that this was in part why it hurt so bad when she left. By the way, prior to her leaving, I got better at depersonalizing her BPD-rants, blaming things properly on the disorder, and I started working on building my esteem, focusing on liking and loving me again unconditionally, the good and the bad.

I was a little disappointed when I found out about the vaginismus, but It's most likely because of the abuse she went through, not like it's her fault, I was more than happy to share intimate contact in many other ways in which we both achieved climax WITHOUT penetration, so I wasn't really in a hurry or anything, we had an active sex life without penetration.  

Did the vaginismus raise red flags regarding the degree of intimacy that you might be able to experience with her?

I think that I'll lose a good friend, we have the same taste in virtually everything, and it saddens me to think that a woman who is so compatible with me in so many ways (to the point where we have the same apartment numbers, mothers with same name, dogs with same name and other things that make it seem like destiny).

I'm experiencing this anxiety because I feel like I've lost everything. I always plan everything in my life, every little step, and I KNOW that my plans work because I've seen proof, and before I met her I had specific plans about my future, then she comes along and I add her to my plans and change my life's course. It's safe to say that I had planned everything, but I NEVER expected her to leave me after all we've been through. Now I'm unemployed and lost, my life has shifted it's course dramatically, and I just feel like a fish out of the water.

Again, have you read about mirroring and BPD?

Did your plans include erratic BPD behavior? Did you really lose everything? Do you have engulfment issues?

I honestly don't know if she needs treatment or not, but it was wrong for me to make that call. She has a condition and I am in no position to judge her well being, I'm not qualified to do so. I think she should have gone/go to a psychiatrist and he should decide how and if she needs to be treated. I do not feel "responsible" for it, she's a grown woman and can make her own decisions, but in retrospect I think I should have insisted on her getting treatment, not trying to cure her myself (which I kind of tried to do).

Why do you think that it was wrong for you to make the call? Would it have made a difference if you had insisted she needed to stay in therapy and continue on the meds? Have you read about denial and other defense mechanisms that keep people with BPD from attending and progressing in therapy?

And sadly, no, I haven't read much about communication techniques. I was more focused about her chronic depression, and I knew that what triggered it was when she thought someone was blaming her for something she did/didn't do. (Like for example - her mother being upset with her not doing the dishes made her run outside and cry on the stairs, sounding almost suicidal on the phone, causing me to rush for her aid because I was afraid she might harm herself again), and helped her identify those triggers. She thought I was blaming her for my troubles, and I think that's one of the main aspects of why she broke up with me (even though I told her multiple times that I'm not blaming her for everything and that those problems are my own and I should deal with them on my own).

Do you think that she was being rational in her assessment events that led to the breakup? What do you think that you could have said to have changed her interpretation of the events?

Communication techniques help and will help even in healthier relationships, but read posts on the staying and undecided boards about the difficulty applying the techniques and the degree of help they provide. You might get a lower frequency and intensity reaction, but they are not going to cure the disorder.
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Bassoutcast
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 223



« Reply #7 on: March 24, 2015, 04:08:35 PM »

Thanks for the reply.

I have little knowledge on relationships, most of it was acquired "on the go" while we were testing things out. I know that BPD relationships aren't easy, to say the least, and I was foolish to neglect that aspect while we were dating. I know about black/white thinking, on how they can be loving one day and distant the other day, and I'm sad to say I've learned most of it AFTER the breakup.

Good. You can be painted black for a long time, more than just a day, months or longer. Have you read about fear of intimacy with BPD and responses to closeness?

I think boundaries are important, and I'm fully aware that I was smothering her, and maybe "always being there for her" was too much, but I asked her multiple times to pay attention to other aspects in her life, so I can't say I didn't make an effort.

From your original post, I got that you were smothering her. However, do you see all of the ways in which she was breaching your 'normal boundaries in relationships'? Even quickly moving in together in a relationship is questionable with respect to healthy boundaries. Regardless of instant attraction and connections felt, it takes time to get to know someone. For example, you have learned a lot about BPD now, stuff that you didn't know about when you felt that early attraction and connection, right? Did you know that feeling attached probably would stir anxiety and fear in her? (She might not have known either.)

What do you know about mirroring and BPD?

The BPD traits - It's no walk in the park, but nothing makes me happier then seeing a smile on the face of a person I care about after I've done something to make them feel better in some way, I have a caring nature, yes sometimes it can express itself with paranoia but mostly I do what I do not because I want something in return, but because I want to help, and I genuinely thought I could help her (and I did help her beat her anorexia and patch things up with her family). I wanted someone to be my "special little lady", someone who I could care for (she even said she wanted to be a stay-at-home mom and work on her art, and it made me so happy).

I can certainly understand this. I have said many times, "my GF is just absolutely gorgeous, and I feel so happy when I make her smile, a beautiful smile that will make your heart melt." However, I now see that this is about my wanting validation and my esteem, i.e., if I make her smile, then I am a good boyfriend, I am entertaining, I am a good guy, I am worthy, I am loveable, etc. I am currently thinking this was/is a part of my engulfment issue, i.e., I was in part defining who I am based on her reactions to me. This is in part why her anger with me, hurt over me, and passive-aggressive cheap-shots affected me so badly in the relationship, and I also now believe that this was in part why it hurt so bad when she left. By the way, prior to her leaving, I got better at depersonalizing her BPD-rants, blaming things properly on the disorder, and I started working on building my esteem, focusing on liking and loving me again unconditionally, the good and the bad.

I was a little disappointed when I found out about the vaginismus, but It's most likely because of the abuse she went through, not like it's her fault, I was more than happy to share intimate contact in many other ways in which we both achieved climax WITHOUT penetration, so I wasn't really in a hurry or anything, we had an active sex life without penetration.  

Did the vaginismus raise red flags regarding the degree of intimacy that you might be able to experience with her?

I think that I'll lose a good friend, we have the same taste in virtually everything, and it saddens me to think that a woman who is so compatible with me in so many ways (to the point where we have the same apartment numbers, mothers with same name, dogs with same name and other things that make it seem like destiny).

I'm experiencing this anxiety because I feel like I've lost everything. I always plan everything in my life, every little step, and I KNOW that my plans work because I've seen proof, and before I met her I had specific plans about my future, then she comes along and I add her to my plans and change my life's course. It's safe to say that I had planned everything, but I NEVER expected her to leave me after all we've been through. Now I'm unemployed and lost, my life has shifted it's course dramatically, and I just feel like a fish out of the water.

Again, have you read about mirroring and BPD?

Did your plans include erratic BPD behavior? Did you really lose everything? Do you have engulfment issues?

I honestly don't know if she needs treatment or not, but it was wrong for me to make that call. She has a condition and I am in no position to judge her well being, I'm not qualified to do so. I think she should have gone/go to a psychiatrist and he should decide how and if she needs to be treated. I do not feel "responsible" for it, she's a grown woman and can make her own decisions, but in retrospect I think I should have insisted on her getting treatment, not trying to cure her myself (which I kind of tried to do).

Why do you think that it was wrong for you to make the call? Would it have made a difference if you had insisted she needed to stay in therapy and continue on the meds? Have you read about denial and other defense mechanisms that keep people with BPD from attending and progressing in therapy?

And sadly, no, I haven't read much about communication techniques. I was more focused about her chronic depression, and I knew that what triggered it was when she thought someone was blaming her for something she did/didn't do. (Like for example - her mother being upset with her not doing the dishes made her run outside and cry on the stairs, sounding almost suicidal on the phone, causing me to rush for her aid because I was afraid she might harm herself again), and helped her identify those triggers. She thought I was blaming her for my troubles, and I think that's one of the main aspects of why she broke up with me (even though I told her multiple times that I'm not blaming her for everything and that those problems are my own and I should deal with them on my own).

Do you think that she was being rational in her assessment events that led to the breakup? What do you think that you could have said to have changed her interpretation of the events?

Communication techniques help and will help even in healthier relationships, but read posts on the staying and undecided boards about the difficulty applying the techniques and the degree of help they provide. You might get a lower frequency and intensity reaction, but they are not going to cure the disorder.

Yes. I have read about the fear of intimacy, but again it was only after the breakup. I briefly read about BPD when she told me she had it, but I "wasn't going to let any psychiatrist label her as anything but herself", and basically treated her like a regular human being, to a point where I was in denial she had any mental issues.

The "moving in" part is my fault as much as hers, I honestly saw her as my future wife right off the bat, so I thought we "might as well" move in together now. I hate playing games, if you want something - just do it, that's why we said "I love you" on the first date, if you feel something, don't hide it. it was mutual (or so I thought).

I don't know anything about mirroring and BPD, honestly.

My care-giving isn't exclusive to her, I tend to anyone close to me when they need it. I'm not a people-pleaser, but when I'm focused on something I dedicate my whole time and effort into it, be it losing weight or learning an instrument or being in a relationship, I'm very goal-oriented, and being there for her occupied most of my time. I did struggle with self-esteem issues (or if I may say correctly - lack of self-esteem), but I did manage to accept my worth lately, and she helped greatly with that. I thought I could do anything when I was with her (for example - serenade to her in a crowded park while people passing by were staring at us).

I lost a lot, but It's not like it's the end of the world. I still have my goals, and maybe I'm a little off-course, but I'll get back on track and achieve them.

The vaginismus wasn't a red flag whatsoever, it can be cured, the gynecologist even told her how, and we were gradually working on it, sure it would take months before we could even attempt penetration, but we were making progress.

I think that she's a grown woman after all, even if she doesn't act like it sometimes, but I should have insisted on her going to therapy. She might have felt better, but only an expert can decide, it's not up to me, it's not up to her, and I couldn't in any way force her to get help, but I could have tried harder. oh well, the past is in the past.

I think she was being hypocritical, she told me she DID remember the good times, BS, she had a lot going on in her life, the pressure from her job, and thought that cutting me and my (rarely-happening) bursts of anger would help "stabilize" her life. Had I been calmer, maybe this would have worked out, but I honestly don't know, if I wasn't split black then who knows when it might have happened. I think we both made mistakes, and I did my best trying to keep this relationship from falling apart. I just know somewhere down the line she'll realize that she made a mistake, and maybe she'll split me white again.

Should I even bother contacting her? I mean, not now, but in a month, or before the concert I mentioned earlier? will it make any difference or will she just push me away as usual?

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« Reply #8 on: March 24, 2015, 05:22:00 PM »

Oh and by the way - I asked her on the way to her place why she suddenly changed her profile picture, and she said she was mad at me. I jokingly told her that she had prettier pictures of her, and then after I liked a picture of her on instagram 2 days later she changed her picture again (and same with her chat profile picture) to a picture she KNEW that I liked (and then she unfollowed me on instagram, followed by me unfollowing her [private] profile, then we had that "you said you woldn't text me, stop bothering me" talk and that was it)

Is she playing with me?

I still "cyber-stalk" her "last seen" time online from time to time to make sure she's still alive. Yes I know it's pointless but I want to make sure she's well.
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« Reply #9 on: March 24, 2015, 05:29:55 PM »

Yes. I have read about the fear of intimacy, but again it was only after the breakup. I briefly read about BPD when she told me she had it, but I "wasn't going to let any psychiatrist label her as anything but herself", and basically treated her like a regular human being, to a point where I was in denial she had any mental issues.

It is a very confusing mental health issue to deal with, because the people seem so normal so much of the time, particularly early on and when interacting with those with whom they don't have intimate relationships.

The "moving in" part is my fault as much as hers, I honestly saw her as my future wife right off the bat, so I thought we "might as well" move in together now. I hate playing games, if you want something - just do it, that's why we said "I love you" on the first date, if you feel something, don't hide it. it was mutual (or so I thought).

I don't know anything about mirroring and BPD, honestly.

I see. I moved in pretty quickly with my GF too. We moved in together after about 8 months of dating. But we moved in to a new house that we bought, so we were searching and doing all of the work to buy the house within a few months of dating. She actually suggested buying the house, but I think that we both felt free to be vulnerable with each other and free to love each other. I was the first to say "I love you", and that was very early in the relationship, a few months of phone calls, texts, and emails, and then a long weekend together. In hind sight, I said it too soon. I really didn't know enough about her at that point. I felt like I did, because of all of the communications. It seemed like we were sharing so much, and there was so much affection when we did get together. Another complicating factor was that we knew each other when we were younger, so there seemed to be this stronger sense familiarity with each other.

Mirroring is when someone tries to match what you are looking for. People with BPD have identity issues, possibly due to arrested development in forming an independent identity, and they then draw an identity (e.g., interests, etc.) from those close to them.


My care-giving isn't exclusive to her, I tend to anyone close to me when they need it. I'm not a people-pleaser, but when I'm focused on something I dedicate my whole time and effort into it, be it losing weight or learning an instrument or being in a relationship, I'm very goal-oriented, and being there for her occupied most of my time. I did struggle with self-esteem issues (or if I may say correctly - lack of self-esteem), but I did manage to accept my worth lately, and she helped greatly with that. I thought I could do anything when I was with her (for example - serenade to her in a crowded park while people passing by were staring at us).

Be careful. Consider your own boundaries.

I lost a lot, but It's not like it's the end of the world. I still have my goals, and maybe I'm a little off-course, but I'll get back on track and achieve them.

I think that this is the best thing that you can do, i.e., go back to focusing on your dreams and goals. Sometimes people with BPD can have a hard time with an SOs dreams and goals due to fearing a person developing a life without them -- fearing abandonment.

The vaginismus wasn't a red flag whatsoever, it can be cured, the gynecologist even told her how, and we were gradually working on it, sure it would take months before we could even attempt penetration, but we were making progress.

I see. I wasn't sure if it was related to the issues that led to her developing BPD, etc., and sex is so important in many relationships, sometimes leading to divorce when one partner is not happy.

 

I think that she's a grown woman after all, even if she doesn't act like it sometimes, but I should have insisted on her going to therapy. She might have felt better, but only an expert can decide, it's not up to me, it's not up to her, and I couldn't in any way force her to get help, but I could have tried harder. oh well, the past is in the past.

In the end, it was her decision regardless of your opinion. Maybe if you had insisted, she would have split you black right then.

I think she was being hypocritical, she told me she DID remember the good times, BS, she had a lot going on in her life, the pressure from her job, and thought that cutting me and my (rarely-happening) bursts of anger would help "stabilize" her life. Had I been calmer, maybe this would have worked out, but I honestly don't know, if I wasn't split black then who knows when it might have happened. I think we both made mistakes, and I did my best trying to keep this relationship from falling apart. I just know somewhere down the line she'll realize that she made a mistake, and maybe she'll split me white again.

You will see from reading more on this board and elsewhere. Her disorder kicked in, and there was probably nothing you could have done to prevent this. If she does have BPD, blaming you is just a defense mechanism to avoid dealing with her low self-esteem and fear of intimacy. It is a mis-attribution of arousal, in my opinion. For those with BPD, closeness is associated with anxiety. She got close to you. That triggered her anxiety and fear, and rather than dealing with the true cause of the association between her feelings of intimacy and fear, she felt the urge to flee and in coming up with an explanation for the urge her brain mis-attributed the arousal to something you had done. If it were due to an outburst, would painting you black and going no contact be a normal response, particularly from someone who claimed to love you? It is not how you responded to her outburst, etc. right?


Should I even bother contacting her? I mean, not now, but in a month, or before the concert I mentioned earlier? will it make any difference or will she just push me away as usual?

It is hard to say without knowing you and knowing her. The standard story is to go no-contact and allow yourself time to heal. You have learned that there are things that you need to work on. Without her in the picture, you can begin that work.

I am engaged in low contact right now. Originally, it was open contact after my GF moved out, but then she went silent. After she quit coming over and slowed her responding (not responding at all to some texts and emails), I sent a text here and there, sent links to things that I thought she would be interested in or find amusing, and even sent info on BPD. I haven't initiated contact in a while now. I just respond to her texts and emails and take her calls, all which come about every week or two. She knows where I am if she wants to try to work on building a relationship with me.

Also, read posts on the legal board while you are on here. Many have had harassment charges and such brought against them for continued attempts at contact and even false charges filed against them. And harassment is nothing compared to some of the charges people have had to face. I find it hard to imagine my GF doing something like that to me, but I never imagined any of this BPD stuff happening either and still have times where I am confused and baffled by it all, like a surreal bad dream.

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« Reply #10 on: March 24, 2015, 05:44:24 PM »

Oh and by the way - I asked her on the way to her place why she suddenly changed her profile picture, and she said she was mad at me. I jokingly told her that she had prettier pictures of her, and then after I liked a picture of her on instagram 2 days later she changed her picture again (and same with her chat profile picture) to a picture she KNEW that I liked (and then she unfollowed me on instagram, followed by me unfollowing her [private] profile, then we had that "you said you woldn't text me, stop bothering me" talk and that was it)

Is she playing with me?

I still "cyber-stalk" her "last seen" time online from time to time to make sure she's still alive. Yes I know it's pointless but I want to make sure she's well.

My GF unfriended me on FB while we were living together. She said that it was so I could have my privacy. I have my suspicions as to why she did it, her own jealousy issues and guilt/shame for my closing my account in the first place.

I don't know whether she is playing with you or not, but I don't think that she is. I would imagine that there is the non-disordered side of her that genuinely enjoyed being with you and misses you. However, then there is also her disordered side leads her to paint you black, devalue the relationship, etc.

My thought with my udxGF is that she is an adult, and if she wants to get my attention, she can call, text, email, visit, etc. like an adult.  I am not going to try to interpret any ambiguous actions. When she wanted my attention during the idealization phase, she was not ambiguous in her efforts to get it.

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« Reply #11 on: March 24, 2015, 06:18:03 PM »

Yes. I have read about the fear of intimacy, but again it was only after the breakup. I briefly read about BPD when she told me she had it, but I "wasn't going to let any psychiatrist label her as anything but herself", and basically treated her like a regular human being, to a point where I was in denial she had any mental issues.

It is a very confusing mental health issue to deal with, because the people seem so normal so much of the time, particularly early on and when interacting with those with whom they don't have intimate relationships.

The "moving in" part is my fault as much as hers, I honestly saw her as my future wife right off the bat, so I thought we "might as well" move in together now. I hate playing games, if you want something - just do it, that's why we said "I love you" on the first date, if you feel something, don't hide it. it was mutual (or so I thought).

I don't know anything about mirroring and BPD, honestly.

I see. I moved in pretty quickly with my GF too. We moved in together after about 8 months of dating. But we moved in to a new house that we bought, so we were searching and doing all of the work to buy the house within a few months of dating. She actually suggested buying the house, but I think that we both felt free to be vulnerable with each other and free to love each other. I was the first to say "I love you", and that was very early in the relationship, a few months of phone calls, texts, and emails, and then a long weekend together. In hind sight, I said it too soon. I really didn't know enough about her at that point. I felt like I did, because of all of the communications. It seemed like we were sharing so much, and there was so much affection when we did get together. Another complicating factor was that we knew each other when we were younger, so there seemed to be this stronger sense familiarity with each other.

Mirroring is when someone tries to match what you are looking for. People with BPD have identity issues, possibly due to arrested development in forming an independent identity, and they then draw an identity (e.g., interests, etc.) from those close to them.


My care-giving isn't exclusive to her, I tend to anyone close to me when they need it. I'm not a people-pleaser, but when I'm focused on something I dedicate my whole time and effort into it, be it losing weight or learning an instrument or being in a relationship, I'm very goal-oriented, and being there for her occupied most of my time. I did struggle with self-esteem issues (or if I may say correctly - lack of self-esteem), but I did manage to accept my worth lately, and she helped greatly with that. I thought I could do anything when I was with her (for example - serenade to her in a crowded park while people passing by were staring at us).

Be careful. Consider your own boundaries.

I lost a lot, but It's not like it's the end of the world. I still have my goals, and maybe I'm a little off-course, but I'll get back on track and achieve them.

I think that this is the best thing that you can do, i.e., go back to focusing on your dreams and goals. Sometimes people with BPD can have a hard time with an SOs dreams and goals due to fearing a person developing a life without them -- fearing abandonment.

The vaginismus wasn't a red flag whatsoever, it can be cured, the gynecologist even told her how, and we were gradually working on it, sure it would take months before we could even attempt penetration, but we were making progress.

I see. I wasn't sure if it was related to the issues that led to her developing BPD, etc., and sex is so important in many relationships, sometimes leading to divorce when one partner is not happy.

 

I think that she's a grown woman after all, even if she doesn't act like it sometimes, but I should have insisted on her going to therapy. She might have felt better, but only an expert can decide, it's not up to me, it's not up to her, and I couldn't in any way force her to get help, but I could have tried harder. oh well, the past is in the past.

In the end, it was her decision regardless of your opinion. Maybe if you had insisted, she would have split you black right then.

I think she was being hypocritical, she told me she DID remember the good times, BS, she had a lot going on in her life, the pressure from her job, and thought that cutting me and my (rarely-happening) bursts of anger would help "stabilize" her life. Had I been calmer, maybe this would have worked out, but I honestly don't know, if I wasn't split black then who knows when it might have happened. I think we both made mistakes, and I did my best trying to keep this relationship from falling apart. I just know somewhere down the line she'll realize that she made a mistake, and maybe she'll split me white again.

You will see from reading more on this board and elsewhere. Her disorder kicked in, and there was probably nothing you could have done to prevent this. If she does have BPD, blaming you is just a defense mechanism to avoid dealing with her low self-esteem and fear of intimacy. It is a mis-attribution of arousal, in my opinion. For those with BPD, closeness is associated with anxiety. She got close to you. That triggered her anxiety and fear, and rather than dealing with the true cause of the association between her feelings of intimacy and fear, she felt the urge to flee and in coming up with an explanation for the urge her brain mis-attributed the arousal to something you had done. If it were due to an outburst, would painting you black and going no contact be a normal response, particularly from someone who claimed to love you? It is not how you responded to her outburst, etc. right?


Should I even bother contacting her? I mean, not now, but in a month, or before the concert I mentioned earlier? will it make any difference or will she just push me away as usual?

It is hard to say without knowing you and knowing her. The standard story is to go no-contact and allow yourself time to heal. You have learned that there are things that you need to work on. Without her in the picture, you can begin that work.

I am engaged in low contact right now. Originally, it was open contact after my GF moved out, but then she went silent. After she quit coming over and slowed her responding (not responding at all to some texts and emails), I sent a text here and there, sent links to things that I thought she would be interested in or find amusing, and even sent info on BPD. I haven't initiated contact in a while now. I just respond to her texts and emails and take her calls, all which come about every week or two. She knows where I am if she wants to try to work on building a relationship with me.

Also, read posts on the legal board while you are on here. Many have had harassment charges and such brought against them for continued attempts at contact and even false charges filed against them. And harassment is nothing compared to some of the charges people have had to face. I find it hard to imagine my GF doing something like that to me, but I never imagined any of this BPD stuff happening either and still have times where I am confused and baffled by it all, like a surreal bad dream.


So basically I've seen her as the perfect woman - because she was probably mirroring my standards and twisting herself to fit my fantasies... .that IS a confusing issue. She DID mention she had no personality whatsoever as a child, and is still struggling to know who she really is, and I thought I could tell where the disorder ends and "her" begins... .

My dad also warned me not to contact her anymore because of possible legal charges. I don't think she'd go as far as to fine a complaint on me, seeing as she used to have a stalker in high-school and the only thing she did was complain to her teacher, not even her parents knew (neither do they know of her being sexually abused as a child, that secret's safe with me).


Oh and by the way - I asked her on the way to her place why she suddenly changed her profile picture, and she said she was mad at me. I jokingly told her that she had prettier pictures of her, and then after I liked a picture of her on instagram 2 days later she changed her picture again (and same with her chat profile picture) to a picture she KNEW that I liked (and then she unfollowed me on instagram, followed by me unfollowing her [private] profile, then we had that "you said you woldn't text me, stop bothering me" talk and that was it)

Is she playing with me?

I still "cyber-stalk" her "last seen" time online from time to time to make sure she's still alive. Yes I know it's pointless but I want to make sure she's well.

My GF unfriended me on FB while we were living together. She said that it was so I could have my privacy. I have my suspicions as to why she did it, her own jealousy issues and guilt/shame for my closing my account in the first place.

I don't know whether she is playing with you or not, but I don't think that she is. I would imagine that there is the non-disordered side of her that genuinely enjoyed being with you and misses you. However, then there is also her disordered side leads her to paint you black, devalue the relationship, etc.

My thought with my udxGF is that she is an adult, and if she wants to get my attention, she can call, text, email, visit, etc. like an adult.  I am not going to try to interpret any ambiguous actions. When she wanted my attention during the idealization phase, she was not ambiguous in her efforts to get it.

I think she does have a very vivid non-disorder side as well, but the disorder just paints me black and forces her to forget the good times we had, making it virtually impossible for her to miss me.

I think I'll lay low for a while, focus on myself. Ever since the breakup I've met with lots of friends I haven't seen since I got into a relationship with her, my interest in music came back and I've even been hitting the gym lately (all things I've neglected while focusing on her). I know what I'm worth, and I think she does too (after all, and I'm sorry to put it that way, but 99% of the guys on the face of the earth would not tolerate her problems the way I did) , and when the time comes she'll come around, and by the time she comes I'll know how to handle the situation. I think I'll contact her a few days before the concert to see if she'd like to go as friends, and if not - I'd still enjoy great music on my own Smiling (click to insert in post)

Thanks for the help, I see things clearly now, and I'll continue to learn about BPD so when/if the time comes and she'll paint me white again, I'll be able to make things right again.
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« Reply #12 on: March 24, 2015, 06:34:30 PM »

Sounds good. It was nice chatting with you.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #13 on: March 25, 2015, 05:03:38 AM »

Sounds good. It was nice chatting with you.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Yeah, same with you.

Just a question - how do I know if she's suicidal? She once told me that if anything happened to me she'd kill herself, and I (out of mutual respect, in-the-moment lack of thinking) told her the same thing (the cliche "I can't go on without you" talk). I told her she can chat with me anytime she's feeling down or depressed, and I'll always be there for her... .but I've been monitoring her online status daily and she hasn't been on her phone since yesterday... .It's not like her but I don't want to just randomly pop into her life and ask her how she is... .She did tell me she thinks she'd be "pulling me down" when we broke up... .maybe she's been planning a suicide and got me out of the equation in order to "pull it off"?

What to do... .what to do... .
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« Reply #14 on: March 25, 2015, 07:06:39 AM »

Just a question - how do I know if she's suicidal? She once told me that if anything happened to me she'd kill herself, and I (out of mutual respect, in-the-moment lack of thinking) told her the same thing (the cliche "I can't go on without you" talk). I told her she can chat with me anytime she's feeling down or depressed, and I'll always be there for her... .but I've been monitoring her online status daily and she hasn't been on her phone since yesterday... .It's not like her but I don't want to just randomly pop into her life and ask her how she is... .She did tell me she thinks she'd be "pulling me down" when we broke up... .maybe she's been planning a suicide and got me out of the equation in order to "pull it off"?

What to do... .what to do... .

Hi Bassoutcast, 

Welcome aboard. 

I am sorry that you are going through this.    I understand how upsetting and difficult it is to cope with erratic and contradictory behaviors.

There are many signs of suicidal behavior, such as saying things as "Life is too hard, I do not deserve to live etc."  Many pwBPD do threaten or suggest suicide as either a cry for help or used for manipulation. 

From my experience, I can tell whether my bf is threatening suicide for a cry for help/attention/manipulation or when it is a legitimate threat. When my bf uses suicide as a cry for help/attention/manipulation he will suggest it when I am upset with him, argue with him, he feels that I do not "love him enough," and if he feels as if I am going to leave him (abandonment fears).

There have been times where my bf has attempted suicide.  Those were times when he was severely depressed and he did not openly make threats. During those times, I made sure that I did not leave him alone. 

Suicide tends to stem from depression.  Depression is common for many pwBPD. There are many characteristics of depression such as lethargy, change in appetite or weight, change in sleep patterns, decreased energy, feelings of worthlessness or guilt, difficulty thinking or concentrating, moods of feeling sad, hopeless, discouraged, and distress or impairment in various areas of life. 

Here is an article on depression and suicidal ideation that explains further. 

Depression and Suicidal Ideation

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« Reply #15 on: March 25, 2015, 07:30:09 AM »

Just a question - how do I know if she's suicidal? She once told me that if anything happened to me she'd kill herself, and I (out of mutual respect, in-the-moment lack of thinking) told her the same thing (the cliche "I can't go on without you" talk). I told her she can chat with me anytime she's feeling down or depressed, and I'll always be there for her... .but I've been monitoring her online status daily and she hasn't been on her phone since yesterday... .It's not like her but I don't want to just randomly pop into her life and ask her how she is... .She did tell me she thinks she'd be "pulling me down" when we broke up... .maybe she's been planning a suicide and got me out of the equation in order to "pull it off"?

What to do... .what to do... .

Hi Bassoutcast, 

Welcome aboard. 

I am sorry that you are going through this.    I understand how upsetting and difficult it is to cope with erratic and contradictory behaviors.

There are many signs of suicidal behavior, such as saying things as "Life is too hard, I do not deserve to live etc."  Many pwBPD do threaten or suggest suicide as either a cry for help or used for manipulation. 

From my experience, I can tell whether my bf is threatening suicide for a cry for help/attention/manipulation or when it is a legitimate threat. When my bf uses suicide as a cry for help/attention/manipulation he will suggest it when I am upset with him, argue with him, he feels that I do not "love him enough," and if he feels as if I am going to leave him (abandonment fears).

There have been times where my bf has attempted suicide.  Those were times when he was severely depressed and he did not openly make threats. During those times, I made sure that I did not leave him alone. 

Suicide tends to stem from depression.  Depression is common for many pwBPD. There are many characteristics of depression such as lethargy, change in appetite or weight, change in sleep patterns, decreased energy, feelings of worthlessness or guilt, difficulty thinking or concentrating, moods of feeling sad, hopeless, discouraged, and distress or impairment in various areas of life. 

Here is an article on depression and suicidal ideation that explains further. 

Depression and Suicidal Ideation

Thanks for the reply.

Great article, I learned many new things Smiling (click to insert in post)

But it's one thing to know if a person is depressed/suicidal when you're there (which I could easily differentiate from her other behavioral patterns), and guessing it when you're no longer part of that person's life. (as requested by the person himself).
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« Reply #16 on: March 25, 2015, 08:23:55 AM »

Thanks for the reply.

Great article, I learned many new things Smiling (click to insert in post)

But it's one thing to know if a person is depressed/suicidal when you're there (which I could easily differentiate from her other behavioral patterns), and guessing it when you're no longer part of that person's life. (as requested by the person himself).

I understand how you could feel concerned or worried.  It is a normal response to have for someone we care about, regardless if we are currently in a relationship with them or not.

Also it is understandable to want to be able to help our pwBPD. Many of us here have helper/fixer/people pleasing traits.  I am a helper/fixer/people pleaser and I have learned that the behavior of my bf is out of my control and the only thing that I can control is my own behaviors and actions. 

I know it is hard to watch someone we love from a distance coping with such a difficult disorder and trying not to intervene or help.  The best thing to do in this situation is to focus on you and work on yourself. 

From my periods of NC with my bf, I started focusing on myself. It really was a foreign concept at first, since I put my bf's needs before my own. Overall the NC periods helped both of us. I really learned about who I am and became a mentally stronger person. My support system of friends, family, and my therapist helped me greatly.  Do you have a support system?

You mentioned that your pwBPD is being treated. Hypothetically if she were suicidal, her psychiatrist would be able to recognize and help her. 



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« Reply #17 on: March 25, 2015, 08:50:53 AM »

Thanks for the reply.

Great article, I learned many new things Smiling (click to insert in post)

But it's one thing to know if a person is depressed/suicidal when you're there (which I could easily differentiate from her other behavioral patterns), and guessing it when you're no longer part of that person's life. (as requested by the person himself).

I understand how you could feel concerned or worried.  It is a normal response to have for someone we care about, regardless if we are currently in a relationship with them or not.

Also it is understandable to want to be able to help our pwBPD. Many of us here have helper/fixer/people pleasing traits.  I am a helper/fixer/people pleaser and I have learned that the behavior of my bf is out of my control and the only thing that I can control is my own behaviors and actions.  

I know it is hard to watch someone we love from a distance coping with such a difficult disorder and trying not to intervene or help.  The best thing to do in this situation is to focus on you and work on yourself.  

From my periods of NC with my bf, I started focusing on myself. It really was a foreign concept at first, since I put my bf's needs before my own. Overall the NC periods helped both of us. I really learned about who I am and became a mentally stronger person. My support system of friends, family, and my therapist helped me greatly.  :)o you have a support system?

You mentioned that your pwBPD is being treated. Hypothetically if she were suicidal, her psychiatrist would be able to recognize and help her.  


She WAS treated, but is no longer treated. her depression faded away lately, and she decided not to go through therapy (even though she did state it comes back as "pulses", and that there are some months she feels great, followed by months she's feeling depressed and suicidal).

About NC - I can go through with it, but how long will it last? I'm going to (probably) see her in 3 months, and I think I shouldn't initiate contact with her... .especially after she SPECIFICALLY told me to leave her alone... .I heard that most pwBPD come back at one point or another, be it after a month, 3 months, 6 months or even a year or longer. Should I even initiate contact with her before/at the concert we're going to?

And yes, I do have a support system. My sister (who studies psychology) is a big help, my friends are supportive and are always there to help, and sometimes my parents help too. 
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« Reply #18 on: March 26, 2015, 06:02:20 AM »

Update : She changed her Instagram nickname, she no longer goes into WhatsApp, basically cutting out every means of common communication we can have. I've read that some pwBPD cut people out for life... .Perhaps she was/is hurt, but I want her to know I'm not her enemy by any means... .that I care about her... .even though I'm now painted black as night... .can someone please reply? (to this and the former comment)
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« Reply #19 on: March 26, 2015, 09:48:47 AM »

About NC - I can go through with it, but how long will it last? I'm going to (probably) see her in 3 months, and I think I shouldn't initiate contact with her... .especially after she SPECIFICALLY told me to leave her alone... .I heard that most pwBPD come back at one point or another, be it after a month, 3 months, 6 months or even a year or longer. Should I even initiate contact with her before/at the concert we're going to?

There is not a definitive set amount of time for NC.  It is more of a time frame for you to work on yourself and heal.  Also, it does give a pwBPD space that they need.  Essentially, it should be based on your needs. 

Many pwBPD can return. That time frame does vary, due to individual factors amongst pwBPD. 

How do you feel about her response to not specifically contact her?

Perhaps she was/is hurt, but I want her to know I'm not her enemy by any means... .that I care about her... .even though I'm now painted black as night

I am sorry that she cut off all communication with you.    

I understand that you want to her  know that you are not her enemy and you care for her, but unfortunately you are trying convince someone who has intense emotions which they have a hard time controlling and reliance on the belief that feelings equal facts. During periods of dysregulation it is very hard and sometimes futile to try to talk with a pwBPD. 

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« Reply #20 on: March 26, 2015, 12:00:09 PM »

Update : She changed her Instagram nickname, she no longer goes into WhatsApp, basically cutting out every means of common communication we can have. I've read that some pwBPD cut people out for life... .Perhaps she was/is hurt, but I want her to know I'm not her enemy by any means... .that I care about her... .even though I'm now painted black as night... .can someone please reply? (to this and the former comment)

It is difficult to predict how contact might be received, because of variability in her state with disorder and just variability in individuals with BPD. What attempts have you tried since being painted black?

I sent my ex a text, after a little push/pull after she moved out and her sending a rant of texts, saying "If you want to try to get back to loving each other, I am interested, and you know how to reach me."
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« Reply #21 on: March 26, 2015, 03:08:08 PM »

About NC - I can go through with it, but how long will it last? I'm going to (probably) see her in 3 months, and I think I shouldn't initiate contact with her... .especially after she SPECIFICALLY told me to leave her alone... .I heard that most pwBPD come back at one point or another, be it after a month, 3 months, 6 months or even a year or longer. Should I even initiate contact with her before/at the concert we're going to?

There is not a definitive set amount of time for NC.  It is more of a time frame for you to work on yourself and heal.  Also, it does give a pwBPD space that they need.  Essentially, it should be based on your needs. 

Many pwBPD can return. That time frame does vary, due to individual factors amongst pwBPD. 

How do you feel about her response to not specifically contact her?

I feel that she's blocking me out, that she thinks further contact with me will hurt her, and even though I stated in my last text that I do not expect a reply, she again told me to "stop bothering her". (Like explaining the meaning behind my words, asking her to reconsider and going as far as to making a point that I do NOT expect a reply is considered BOTHERING someone).

She does that a lot, she ran away from home and didn't contact her parents, she thinks they don't care about her (even though I CLEARLY saw them being concerned about her, they just give her the space she needs).

Perhaps she was/is hurt, but I want her to know I'm not her enemy by any means... .that I care about her... .even though I'm now painted black as night

I am sorry that she cut off all communication with you.    

I understand that you want to her  know that you are not her enemy and you care for her, but unfortunately you are trying convince someone who has intense emotions which they have a hard time controlling and reliance on the belief that feelings equal facts. During periods of dysregulation it is very hard and sometimes futile to try to talk with a pwBPD. 

I'm aware of that, that's why I haven't made any contact with her for more than a week now. She goes to great lengths trying to prevent my presence in her life, thinking that cutting me out will be best for her... .I know it isn't so... .She told me (while we were having the break-up talk) that she knows I only want her and no one else but I'll find someone new soon... .If she KNOWS that I'm madly in-love with her WHY does she tell me that I'll find someone else? It makes no sense... .I even told her it's her or nothing, and I'm dead serious about this. I've had trust issues before she came into my life, but now? I'm at a point where I can't look at other women anymore... .I know that IF I'll have another loving relationship I'll always be doubting her words, she'll say she loves me and I won't believe it... .I had fear of abandonment before I she came into my life... .now It's worse... .a LOT worse... .

I told her I'll always be there for her... .and she KNOWS that... .but I don't know anymore... .I keep falling into depression, even when I'm occupying my mind with something else, I was at dinner with friends at a restaurant and all I could think of is how do I sit through this without bursting into tears and ruining their night... .I'm a wreck... .

Update : She changed her Instagram nickname, she no longer goes into WhatsApp, basically cutting out every means of common communication we can have. I've read that some pwBPD cut people out for life... .Perhaps she was/is hurt, but I want her to know I'm not her enemy by any means... .that I care about her... .even though I'm now painted black as night... .can someone please reply? (to this and the former comment)

It is difficult to predict how contact might be received, because of variability in her state with disorder and just variability in individuals with BPD. What attempts have you tried since being painted black?

I sent my ex a text, after a little push/pull after she moved out and her sending a rant of texts, saying "If you want to try to get back to loving each other, I am interested, and you know how to reach me."

If she went to those lengths to prevent me from her life... .I don't know how she'll react... .I thought I knew her but I guess I know absolutely nothing about her personality... .After I texted her 2 days after the breakup and she told me to leave her alone, I LEFT HER ALONE. I think she hates me, but I'm not her enemy... .I don't even know if time will tell... .but I keep dreaming about her and us... .she may have given me back most of my stuff but she still has my heart... .I'm holding back the tears while writing this... .
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« Reply #22 on: March 26, 2015, 03:50:46 PM »

Much of the stuff written about being painted black makes it seem as if the person with BPD just vilifies the SO. However, the vilification is a defense mechanism to avoid self evaluation, dealing with the core low self-esteem problem of BPD. I know from exchanges since the breakup that my ex vacillates between vilifying/blaming me and vilifying/blaming herself. She has had moments where she has acknowledged in subtle ways that she knows that she has issues.

So it is difficult to say whether she views you as the enemy or not. My bet is that she vacillates.

My suggestion is that you focus on lifting the FOG. From your responses, I'm sensing that you are dealing with guilt, with respect to this issue, and Fear and Obligation with still feeling responsible for her and wanting to save her.

Two links that might help give you more perspective:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

- seems a little biased in presenting people with BPD as being consciously manipulative, rather than victims of their own low self-esteem, learning history, and defense mechanisms - but there are good points in here about how nons tend to respond to people with BPD

I do have a thing for vulnerable seducers, BTW. :/

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

Let me add that I have the intellectual v. emotional struggle all of the time. My heart is still attached.


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« Reply #23 on: March 26, 2015, 04:33:32 PM »

Much of the stuff written about being painted black makes it seem as if the person with BPD just vilifies the SO. However, the vilification is a defense mechanism to avoid self evaluation, dealing with the core low self-esteem problem of BPD. I know from exchanges since the breakup that my ex vacillates between vilifying/blaming me and vilifying/blaming herself. She has had moments where she has acknowledged in subtle ways that she knows that she has issues.

So it is difficult to say whether she views you as the enemy or not. My bet is that she vacillates.

My suggestion is that you focus on lifting the FOG. From your responses, I'm sensing that you are dealing with guilt, with respect to this issue, and Fear and Obligation with still feeling responsible for her and wanting to save her.

Two links that might help give you more perspective:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

- seems a little biased in presenting people with BPD as being consciously manipulative, rather than victims of their own low self-esteem, learning history, and defense mechanisms - but there are good points in here about how nons tend to respond to people with BPD

I do have a thing for vulnerable seducers, BTW. :/

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

Let me add that I have the intellectual v. emotional struggle all of the time. My heart is still attached.

Wow, that article described my relationship perfectly... .I even told her multiple times that I felt like we've been dating for years, not months, because it was so intense and fast-paced.

I do care for her, and if being away is what I can do now in order for her to get some piece of mind and reevaluate our relationship, I guess that's what I'll have to do... .no matter how bad it hurts me... .

I know that she doesn't trust easily... .I was not only her first boyfriend but her first guy-friend as well... .I think I can safely say that she won't be dating anytime soon... .but who knows... .I'll always be there for her. (and if/when she comes back, I'll advise her to get treatment. I might love her with all my heart but I'm not a voodoo doll.)
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« Reply #24 on: March 26, 2015, 06:19:07 PM »

Oops. I meant to also paste:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality
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« Reply #25 on: March 27, 2015, 08:03:21 AM »


Huh, basically everything here describes how I felt/feel at the moment.

I have a question - I read that pwBPD usually go "out of sight - out of mind", and unlike "healthy" relationships where distance makes the heart grow warmer and miss the other person, for pwBPD distance makes the heart grow colder, and I don't want whatever feelings she has left for me to just "die out" because I wasn't there to re-ignite them. I read a good comparison on another post here "after being painted black, your BPD ex will think of you like I think of toasters - NEVER unless I want a toast", basically saying she'll only contact me if she needs something from me... .I don't know what to believe anymore. I want to remain in subtle contact with her, like requesting to follow her on Instagram or something, no direct communication... .I tried to send her a request once and my heart started fluttering and I backed down... .they say "what you don't know can't hurt you"... .but not knowing leaves room for imagination and to me that's worse than facing reality.

Looking back, when we were breaking up she seemed so distant... .she didn't even look at me, she just had a disappointed look on her face, kept looking down, told me she has "enough problems of her own to be dealing with my problems as well"... .she seemed broken, and almost cried while explaining herself... .I reached out to hug her and she backed off, loudly saying "No! don't touch me!"... .But then we talked it out and she agreed to hugged me, and even seemed so friendly on the bus ride back to her place... .but she acted like the relationship never happened... .like I was nothing more than a person she barely knows, not even a friend or an acquaintance, just some guy she knew from somewhere... .then we hugged it out again... .she said it was "awkward" for her (the bus ride)... .I asked her to wish her mom a happy birthday and she said she will, I asked does she know about us braking up and she said she did, meaning she probably already told her family about it before we even got to talking... .(I asked her what her mom said and she said "nothing, it's my life". Her mother, the same women who asked her a few weeks beforehand when are we going to get married, the same woman who called me "a member of the family" a week before we broke up). She seemed so calm and collected, and then 2 days later she bursts out at me, calling me a liar and asking me to stop bothering her... .then she blocks me out of her life... .And she kept things that were sentimental to her, like plush dolls I gave her and CD's... .I don't know what to make of it... .I think about her every day and I know she has that disorder but I believe there was more to our relationship then that... .that she has a "non-disorder" part deep down that regrets cutting me out... .that's thankful for what I've done... .that loves me... .I keep holding on to that idea even though everything clearly tells me otherwise... .you think you know someone, you let them into your heart and show them your deepest scars, and they see you at your weakest and stab you in the heart... .and I blamed myself... .what a fool... .
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« Reply #26 on: March 27, 2015, 12:10:36 PM »

I have a question - I read that pwBPD usually go "out of sight - out of mind", and unlike "healthy" relationships where distance makes the heart grow warmer and miss the other person, for pwBPD distance makes the heart grow colder, and I don't want whatever feelings she has left for me to just "die out" because I wasn't there to re-ignite them. I read a good comparison on another post here "after being painted black, your BPD ex will think of you like I think of toasters - NEVER unless I want a toast", basically saying she'll only contact me if she needs something from me... .I don't know what to believe anymore. I want to remain in subtle contact with her, like requesting to follow her on Instagram or something, no direct communication... .I tried to send her a request once and my heart started fluttering and I backed down... .they say "what you don't know can't hurt you"... .but not knowing leaves room for imagination and to me that's worse than facing reality.

Looking back, when we were breaking up she seemed so distant... .she didn't even look at me, she just had a disappointed look on her face, kept looking down, told me she has "enough problems of her own to be dealing with my problems as well"... .she seemed broken, and almost cried while explaining herself... .I reached out to hug her and she backed off, loudly saying "No! don't touch me!"... .But then we talked it out and she agreed to hugged me, and even seemed so friendly on the bus ride back to her place... .but she acted like the relationship never happened... .like I was nothing more than a person she barely knows, not even a friend or an acquaintance, just some guy she knew from somewhere... .then we hugged it out again... .she said it was "awkward" for her (the bus ride)... .I asked her to wish her mom a happy birthday and she said she will, I asked does she know about us braking up and she said she did, meaning she probably already told her family about it before we even got to talking... .(I asked her what her mom said and she said "nothing, it's my life". Her mother, the same women who asked her a few weeks beforehand when are we going to get married, the same woman who called me "a member of the family" a week before we broke up). She seemed so calm and collected, and then 2 days later she bursts out at me, calling me a liar and asking me to stop bothering her... .then she blocks me out of her life... .And she kept things that were sentimental to her, like plush dolls I gave her and CD's... .I don't know what to make of it... .I think about her every day and I know she has that disorder but I believe there was more to our relationship then that... .that she has a "non-disorder" part deep down that regrets cutting me out... .that's thankful for what I've done... .that loves me... .I keep holding on to that idea even though everything clearly tells me otherwise... .you think you know someone, you let them into your heart and show them your deepest scars, and they see you at your weakest and stab you in the heart... .and I blamed myself... .what a fool... .

I am with you. I believe that there is the non-disordered side that loved and appreciated everything and misses being together. With respect to "out of sight out of mind", maybe this is due to the ability to dissociate (e.g., something honed to deal with psychological or physical abuse or inherited), and/or maybe it is due to believing the paranoid delusions about cheating, not loving them, etc. So people with BPD could be using dissociation or other defense mechanisms to avoid dealing with emotions typically associated with a breakup, or as the following suggest, they could be operating in a different psychological state or mode.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=238660.0

www.therapist-training.com.au/SCHEMA/kellogyoung.pdf
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« Reply #27 on: March 27, 2015, 02:19:03 PM »

I have a question - I read that pwBPD usually go "out of sight - out of mind", and unlike "healthy" relationships where distance makes the heart grow warmer and miss the other person, for pwBPD distance makes the heart grow colder, and I don't want whatever feelings she has left for me to just "die out" because I wasn't there to re-ignite them. I read a good comparison on another post here "after being painted black, your BPD ex will think of you like I think of toasters - NEVER unless I want a toast", basically saying she'll only contact me if she needs something from me... .I don't know what to believe anymore. I want to remain in subtle contact with her, like requesting to follow her on Instagram or something, no direct communication... .I tried to send her a request once and my heart started fluttering and I backed down... .they say "what you don't know can't hurt you"... .but not knowing leaves room for imagination and to me that's worse than facing reality.

Looking back, when we were breaking up she seemed so distant... .she didn't even look at me, she just had a disappointed look on her face, kept looking down, told me she has "enough problems of her own to be dealing with my problems as well"... .she seemed broken, and almost cried while explaining herself... .I reached out to hug her and she backed off, loudly saying "No! don't touch me!"... .But then we talked it out and she agreed to hugged me, and even seemed so friendly on the bus ride back to her place... .but she acted like the relationship never happened... .like I was nothing more than a person she barely knows, not even a friend or an acquaintance, just some guy she knew from somewhere... .then we hugged it out again... .she said it was "awkward" for her (the bus ride)... .I asked her to wish her mom a happy birthday and she said she will, I asked does she know about us braking up and she said she did, meaning she probably already told her family about it before we even got to talking... .(I asked her what her mom said and she said "nothing, it's my life". Her mother, the same women who asked her a few weeks beforehand when are we going to get married, the same woman who called me "a member of the family" a week before we broke up). She seemed so calm and collected, and then 2 days later she bursts out at me, calling me a liar and asking me to stop bothering her... .then she blocks me out of her life... .And she kept things that were sentimental to her, like plush dolls I gave her and CD's... .I don't know what to make of it... .I think about her every day and I know she has that disorder but I believe there was more to our relationship then that... .that she has a "non-disorder" part deep down that regrets cutting me out... .that's thankful for what I've done... .that loves me... .I keep holding on to that idea even though everything clearly tells me otherwise... .you think you know someone, you let them into your heart and show them your deepest scars, and they see you at your weakest and stab you in the heart... .and I blamed myself... .what a fool... .

I am with you. I believe that there is the non-disordered side that loved and appreciated everything and misses being together. With respect to "out of sight out of mind", maybe this is due to the ability to dissociate (e.g., something honed to deal with psychological or physical abuse or inherited), and/or maybe it is due to believing the paranoid delusions about cheating, not loving them, etc. So people with BPD could be using dissociation or other defense mechanisms to avoid dealing with emotions typically associated with a breakup, or as the following suggest, they could be operating in a different psychological state or mode.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=238660.0

www.therapist-training.com.au/SCHEMA/kellogyoung.pdf

I read the article... .fascinating... .I've learned so much.

I think I'm starting to plan out a "healing process" program for her in my mind... .While breaking up, she went from detached protector to impulsive child, then back to detached protector. She used to be in the abused child mode through most of our relationship, and even displayed a bit of healthy adult mode towards the last couple of weeks.

I think the text message I sent her made her return to the abused child mode, followed by the impulsive child that pushed me away. I'll give her a few more weeks and contact her casually. If she goes berserk again I'll tell her something in the lines of "I did not attack you, so don't attack me. I'm treating you with respect so treat me the same way", not tolerating her mood swings any longer and "putting her in place" like you would to a rampaging child. Then I'll gradually work things over with her, asking about her well being, if she's feeling better now, and take it from there. I once told her that being her boyfriend is a full-time job (as a joke), guess if I want this to work I'll have to do the effort and address this situation with a different approach. Thanks for the insight. 
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« Reply #28 on: March 28, 2015, 01:45:04 PM »

Alright I'd like to confess something - there's a 95% chance I have Dependent Personality Disorder (DPD), I've been told I have a personality disorder when I was seeing a psychiatrist during weeks of depression, but not diagnosed with any particular one, though I scored very high on every DPD test online. I have a very dynamic personality, I can consider myself the best or completely worthless, there's no in-between. I can be very happy and hyperactive or very docile and depressed, usually one follows the other very quickly and drastically... .but there are times I'm "stable". I've had periods of time in my life where I was carefree and happy, and then periods of constant depression, thoughts about death and self-harm (I do not cut myself, I hit walls until my hands can't take it anymore, usually followed by consumption of alcohol to calm myself down. Sometimes I'll hit myself when I think I've done wrong, especially in front of someone I've done wrong to). I tend to back down from my decisions, If I'll make a point and someone I remotely care about is upset about it, I'll immediately back down and do as that person wants. There are times think the whole world is against my, I'm hopeless and I isolate myself, physically and mentally, and cry (Usually in my room, pitch black, single candle light, acoustic guitar, choking up while trying to sing a sad song). I exaggerate a lot in order to get attention, and if I think I did something wrong I'll blame myself and even sometimes punish myself. There are times I feel fulfilled and alive, and times I feel empty and dead inside, like there's no point of going on... .I don't like the company of multiple people, makes me anxious and I know that if I'll talk, someone will judge me or try to shut me up... .yet I don't like being alone... .I'll be the first one to break eye contact... .There are times I love myself so much and times I look at myself with absolute disgust and say "who would ever want you?"... .can someone PLEASE shed some light on what I might have? 
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« Reply #29 on: March 29, 2015, 12:51:24 PM »

I really want to contact her in a few days to ask her how she's been and chat... .but I'm worried... .I don't want her to view me as the devil himself... .She's overreacting ... .And as much as it hurts I can't be "just friends" with her, It'll hurt too much... .I don't want her to feel like I abandoned her... .What should I say? how should I start the conversation?

I've read in many places that you should bring up a common topic, like "hey I just finished watching _____, thanks for recommending it to me!" but I told this strategy to my support system and they said it's "too "out of the blue", and that I should just casually chat her up like "hey, how are you?" and develop a conversation, but I fear I might trigger something... .can someone help me?
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« Reply #30 on: March 30, 2015, 02:02:54 PM »

Anyone?
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« Reply #31 on: March 30, 2015, 02:17:09 PM »

I really want to contact her in a few days to ask her how she's been and chat... .but I'm worried... .I don't want her to view me as the devil himself... .She's overreacting ... .And as much as it hurts I can't be "just friends" with her, It'll hurt too much... .I don't want her to feel like I abandoned her... .What should I say? how should I start the conversation?

I've read in many places that you should bring up a common topic, like "hey I just finished watching _____, thanks for recommending it to me!" but I told this strategy to my support system and they said it's "too "out of the blue", and that I should just casually chat her up like "hey, how are you?" and develop a conversation, but I fear I might trigger something... .can someone help me?

It sounds as if you are still wrestling with FOG issues. Can you see some in your post? Unfortunately, no one really knows how she might respond to your attempt to contact her. It depends on her mental state as much as what you say.

Why not assume that she knows that you are a good guy who didn't abandon her? Assume that she left because of her own issues, and nothing to do with you? (I say this to you knowing that I have my own FOG issues, and I do ask myself these same types of questions when I feel like reaching out.)

Are you feeling compelled to reach out to her for 'her' or for 'you'?
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« Reply #32 on: March 30, 2015, 03:06:41 PM »

I really want to contact her in a few days to ask her how she's been and chat... .but I'm worried... .I don't want her to view me as the devil himself... .She's overreacting ... .And as much as it hurts I can't be "just friends" with her, It'll hurt too much... .I don't want her to feel like I abandoned her... .What should I say? how should I start the conversation?

I've read in many places that you should bring up a common topic, like "hey I just finished watching _____, thanks for recommending it to me!" but I told this strategy to my support system and they said it's "too "out of the blue", and that I should just casually chat her up like "hey, how are you?" and develop a conversation, but I fear I might trigger something... .can someone help me?

It sounds as if you are still wrestling with FOG issues. Can you see some in your post? Unfortunately, no one really knows how she might respond to your attempt to contact her. It depends on her mental state as much as what you say.

Why not assume that she knows that you are a good guy who didn't abandon her? Assume that she left because of her own issues, and nothing to do with you? (I say this to you knowing that I have my own FOG issues, and I do ask myself these same types of questions when I feel like reaching out.)

Are you feeling compelled to reach out to her for 'her' or for 'you'?

She told me to move on, that she would just weigh me down, I think she was saying that to make it easier on herself to push me away... .I accepted all she blamed me for because I cared... .She said she had enough issues of her own to be dealing with my issues as well... .But then she got sarcastic and acted like she did when we were friends... .it felt amazing... .

I want to contact her for both of us... .I think her thoughts are distorted by the disorder and maybe me popping into her bubble will make her true self surface... .And I need it too because I want this to work... .she taught me what love feels like, I look at couples with resentment now, and at women indifferently... .I want her in my world to be able to concentrate on moving forward... .I can't let her go and I'm stuck in my own fantasy... .She can tell me "go to hell" and I'll say "I love you too"... .that's just who I am... .I shared my story with people I can trust and they all said the effort I put into this relationship is mind-blowing, and that I'm a great guy... .what good is it to be a great guy if I can't keep the woman of my dreams with me... .she honestly thinks cutting me out would benefit her... .who the hell would tolerate her BS like I did... . 
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« Reply #33 on: March 30, 2015, 03:08:37 PM »

I understand how difficult it is to be coping with your situation, especially if you are suffering from a personality disorder. 

Alright I'd like to confess something - there's a 95% chance I have Dependent Personality Disorder (DPD)

I suffer from DPD myself. Sometimes it can be really tough because, my pwBPD can trigger some of my DPD traits.  

I cannot say for sure what you have. Only a professional can diagnose DPD. Did you ask your therapist if you suffer from DPD?






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« Reply #34 on: March 30, 2015, 03:30:17 PM »

I understand how difficult it is to be coping with your situation, especially if you are suffering from a personality disorder. 

Alright I'd like to confess something - there's a 95% chance I have Dependent Personality Disorder (DPD)

I suffer from DPD myself. Sometimes it can be really tough because, my pwBPD can trigger some of my DPD traits.  

I cannot say for sure what you have. Only a professional can diagnose DPD. Did you ask your therapist if you suffer from DPD?




Sadly, no. It's very hard for me to move on with my life, and people with DPD even told me to "STAY AWAY FROM BPD, THEY'RE THE WORST"... .but I just can't let her go... .
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« Reply #35 on: March 30, 2015, 03:44:53 PM »

Sadly, no. It's very hard for me to move on with my life, and people with DPD even told me to "STAY AWAY FROM BPD, THEY'RE THE WORST"... .but I just can't let her go... .

It can be very hard for pwDPD to move on and break an attachment to another person. Similar to BPD, pwBPD tend to have abandonment fears. The main difference is that pwBPD tend to react to abandonment with emptiness, rage, and demands, while pwDPD react with submissiveness and appeasement. 

Although I have recovered from many of my maladaptive behaviors, I have gone through some periods of NC with my pwBPD and it was very difficult for me.  I found that focusing on myself and keeping busy worked three-fold: I was able to break some of my dependency on my pwBPD (I was completely enmeshed), I was able to put my needs first (I never did that with my pwBPD), and constantly doing things helped build my self-esteem. 

 




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« Reply #36 on: March 30, 2015, 04:10:12 PM »

Sadly, no. It's very hard for me to move on with my life, and people with DPD even told me to "STAY AWAY FROM BPD, THEY'RE THE WORST"... .but I just can't let her go... .

It can be very hard for pwDPD to move on and break an attachment to another person. Similar to BPD, pwBPD tend to have abandonment fears. The main difference is that pwBPD tend to react to abandonment with emptiness, rage, and demands, while pwDPD react with submissiveness and appeasement.  

Although I have recovered from many of my maladaptive behaviors, I have gone through some periods of NC with my pwBPD and it was very difficult for me.  I found that focusing on myself and keeping busy worked three-fold: I was able to break some of my dependency on my pwBPD (I was completely enmeshed), I was able to put my needs first (I never did that with my pwBPD), and constantly doing things helped build my self-esteem.  


 

But she gave me back my stuff... .told me not to contact her... .told me "don't worry you'll find someone else soon"... .you read all of my comments, she did everything she can to forget me and cut me out of her life... .the question is do I let her?

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« Reply #37 on: March 30, 2015, 04:24:33 PM »

 

But she gave me back my stuff... .told me not to contact her... .told me "don't worry you'll find someone else soon"... .you read all of my comments, she did everything she can to forget me and cut me out of her life... .the question is do I let her?

She has told you this is what she wants. You cannot change her behavior, thoughts, or feelings.  We cannot force someone do something we want.

On the other hand, we can change our behaviors, thoughts, and feelings.

How would you be able to prevent her from cutting you out of her life?



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« Reply #38 on: March 30, 2015, 04:43:07 PM »

 

But she gave me back my stuff... .told me not to contact her... .told me "don't worry you'll find someone else soon"... .you read all of my comments, she did everything she can to forget me and cut me out of her life... .the question is do I let her?

She has told you this is what she wants. You cannot change her behavior, thoughts, or feelings.  We cannot force someone do something we want.

On the other hand, we can change our behaviors, thoughts, and feelings.

How would you be able to prevent her from cutting you out of her life?


By contacting her - she blocks away her feelings and emotions towards me, and by avoiding contact with me she's avoiding facing with what she feels and would rather blame me and cut me out then face her emotions and work this out... .but if I'll pop into her life, after weeks without contact, asking her what's up and how she's doing, that'll show her I still care enough to ask her, that I did not forget her or abandon her, but I won't beg for her to take me back or anything, I'm past that now. If she tells me to stop bothering/taking to her I'll tell I'm not bothering her, just asking how she's been, if she continues to push me away I'll tell her I understand she feels that way but I'm not her enemy... .I'll tell her to stop blaming me, and I'll end it with a poem, in which I'll tell her that one day she'll understand the meaning of my words, and that I'm always there for her, tell her I love her (perhaps for the final time) and end the conversation on a high note, so that if she would ever go through her texts, she'll remember me like this.
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« Reply #39 on: March 30, 2015, 07:21:48 PM »

By contacting her - she blocks away her feelings and emotions towards me, and by avoiding contact with me she's avoiding facing with what she feels and would rather blame me and cut me out then face her emotions and work this out... .but if I'll pop into her life, after weeks without contact, asking her what's up and how she's doing, that'll show her I still care enough to ask her, that I did not forget her or abandon her, but I won't beg for her to take me back or anything, I'm past that now. If she tells me to stop bothering/taking to her I'll tell I'm not bothering her, just asking how she's been, if she continues to push me away I'll tell her I understand she feels that way but I'm not her enemy... .I'll tell her to stop blaming me, and I'll end it with a poem, in which I'll tell her that one day she'll understand the meaning of my words, and that I'm always there for her, tell her I love her (perhaps for the final time) and end the conversation on a high note, so that if she would ever go through her texts, she'll remember me like this.

I feel like I understand your struggle to some degree, because I also wrestle with contacting my ex regularly. Just a bit on thinking this through... .thinking about BPD, what are some possible outcomes if you did contact her in this way, pros and cons?

Also can you help me to understand what you think "I'll tell her to stop blaming me" will accomplish and why?


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« Reply #40 on: March 31, 2015, 04:00:28 AM »

By contacting her - she blocks away her feelings and emotions towards me, and by avoiding contact with me she's avoiding facing with what she feels and would rather blame me and cut me out then face her emotions and work this out... .but if I'll pop into her life, after weeks without contact, asking her what's up and how she's doing, that'll show her I still care enough to ask her, that I did not forget her or abandon her, but I won't beg for her to take me back or anything, I'm past that now. If she tells me to stop bothering/taking to her I'll tell I'm not bothering her, just asking how she's been, if she continues to push me away I'll tell her I understand she feels that way but I'm not her enemy... .I'll tell her to stop blaming me, and I'll end it with a poem, in which I'll tell her that one day she'll understand the meaning of my words, and that I'm always there for her, tell her I love her (perhaps for the final time) and end the conversation on a high note, so that if she would ever go through her texts, she'll remember me like this.

I feel like I understand your struggle to some degree, because I also wrestle with contacting my ex regularly. Just a bit on thinking this through... .thinking about BPD, what are some possible outcomes if you did contact her in this way, pros and cons?

Also can you help me to understand what you think "I'll tell her to stop blaming me" will accomplish and why?

Pros - I might break her "barrier" off, get a conversation going, maybe establish a line of communication

Cons - She might see this as unattractive, me being needy again, might push her even further away and lock away every drop of love she has left for me for good.

I thought this through and I think I'll do it subtly, I don't know how thin's the ice I'm about to step on and I don't want to drown... .I'll just text her asking about something mutual, no neediness or strings attached, "Hey, do you by any chance remember the name of that record store in ____ we went to?",this isn't desperate in any way, and It'll make her remember a great day we had together (possibly our best date). I'll send her a few of those "non-triggering" messages, and then I'll casually set up a meet-up (not mentioning this is a date or anything, it's whatever she wants it to be), meet up with her and chat, focusing the conversation on her, not mentioning our fights or anything, that's already in the past... .and who knows where it'll go from there.
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« Reply #41 on: March 31, 2015, 07:24:15 AM »

I see. Many on the boards have tried this, so why not I guess. I am currently low contact with my ex. I only respond to her texts and calls. She was only responding infrequently to my texts, so I quit reaching out to her, believing that I don't deserve that. She definitely didn't do that during the idealization phase or when we were living together. Plus, I started having concerns about all of the false police charges members of the boards have had filed against them for harassment. With all of the false, outlandish  accusations that she made against me, I just don't know whether she would do something like that or not. I can't trust her with all she has done already.

If she wants to contact me, she knows how. I have lots of work to do with myself and lots of other things to do with my time. And believe me it does hurt to  think all of this, because I loved her dearly and tried with everything I had to make this relationship work. In my mind, she is very damaged and needs serious professional help. As much as I would love to, I can't  fix her.
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« Reply #42 on: March 31, 2015, 07:45:27 AM »

Let me add that she never told me not to contact her. I just stopped because of the infrequent responding and my own healing in believing that I want and deserve better in a relationship.

Again, all very difficult to deal with and say, because I still feel such a strong attachment to her.
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« Reply #43 on: March 31, 2015, 07:54:58 AM »

I see. Many on the boards have tried this, so why not I guess. I am currently low contact with my ex. I only respond to her texts and calls. She was only responding infrequently to my texts, so I quit reaching out to her, believing that I don't deserve that. She definitely didn't do that during the idealization phase or when we were living together. Plus, I started having concerns about all of the false police charges members of the boards have had filed against them for harassment. With all of the false, outlandish  accusations that she made against me, I just don't know whether she would do something like that or not. I can't trust her with all she has done already.

If she wants to contact me, she knows how. I have lots of work to do with myself and lots of other things to do with my time. And believe me it does hurt to  think all of this, because I loved her dearly and tried with everything I had to make this relationship work. In my mind, she is very damaged and needs serious professional help. As much as I would love to, I can't  fix her.

Aren't we all in the same boat, huh? I understand how you're feeling... .With a disorder like BPD you can't predict anything, but it's worth a try. I think low-contact is the best way to go, it keeps your SO in your life while at the same time not making it look like you're trying to hard. We can't fix them, only support them and try to understand them.

I'll keep updating my progress here, wish me luck !
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« Reply #44 on: March 31, 2015, 10:56:12 AM »

I see. Many on the boards have tried this, so why not I guess. I am currently low contact with my ex. I only respond to her texts and calls. She was only responding infrequently to my texts, so I quit reaching out to her, believing that I don't deserve that. She definitely didn't do that during the idealization phase or when we were living together. Plus, I started having concerns about all of the false police charges members of the boards have had filed against them for harassment. With all of the false, outlandish  accusations that she made against me, I just don't know whether she would do something like that or not. I can't trust her with all she has done already.

If she wants to contact me, she knows how. I have lots of work to do with myself and lots of other things to do with my time. And believe me it does hurt to  think all of this, because I loved her dearly and tried with everything I had to make this relationship work. In my mind, she is very damaged and needs serious professional help. As much as I would love to, I can't  fix her.

Aren't we all in the same boat, huh? I understand how you're feeling... .With a disorder like BPD you can't predict anything, but it's worth a try. I think low-contact is the best way to go, it keeps your SO in your life while at the same time not making it look like you're trying to hard. We can't fix them, only support them and try to understand them.

I'll keep updating my progress here, wish me luck !

Good luck! Please be careful. Work on you... .self-validation, self-love, self-worth, etc. all of the things that we seem sometimes find ourselves feeling we need others to provide.

Tell me more about your musical aspirations if you get a chance. I sold my drums several years back, but I still hold on to the hope that I will learn to play the guitar that I have. I work at it every once and a while (more so now that I have more free time after the split).  Who knows... .maybe I will buy a set of drums to upset the neighbors!
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« Reply #45 on: March 31, 2015, 01:36:37 PM »

An interesting exercise that was just posted:

I think the hard part for us co-dependents is getting clarity on our own feelings. Here was one of the exercises in the SWOE workbook, imagine a RS without BPD. What would you want it to look like? That was a   for me. When I took the time to list out all of the things that I wanted, hoped, wished, dreamed for, I began to get in touch with just how much grief I have been carrying (like a heavy sack on my shoulders) for over ten years. Then you take that list and refine it by noting the things that you had hoped to receive from your partner and those things that your partner was never going to really do (like be a great rock climbing partner, one of my examples). Then you note the priority of these needs or desires for you. I saw some patterns emerge, centered around kindness, respect, compassion and understanding. That became my first boundary that I absolutely needed to work on. When communications reflect the opposite of kindness, respect, compassion and understanding, I need to take a break for me. I try to validate my wife's emotions and express that I am taking a break for myself, that what she has to say is important to me and I will be back in 20 minutes to discuss it.

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« Reply #46 on: April 01, 2015, 09:11:47 AM »

I see. Many on the boards have tried this, so why not I guess. I am currently low contact with my ex. I only respond to her texts and calls. She was only responding infrequently to my texts, so I quit reaching out to her, believing that I don't deserve that. She definitely didn't do that during the idealization phase or when we were living together. Plus, I started having concerns about all of the false police charges members of the boards have had filed against them for harassment. With all of the false, outlandish  accusations that she made against me, I just don't know whether she would do something like that or not. I can't trust her with all she has done already.

If she wants to contact me, she knows how. I have lots of work to do with myself and lots of other things to do with my time. And believe me it does hurt to  think all of this, because I loved her dearly and tried with everything I had to make this relationship work. In my mind, she is very damaged and needs serious professional help. As much as I would love to, I can't  fix her.

Aren't we all in the same boat, huh? I understand how you're feeling... .With a disorder like BPD you can't predict anything, but it's worth a try. I think low-contact is the best way to go, it keeps your SO in your life while at the same time not making it look like you're trying to hard. We can't fix them, only support them and try to understand them.

I'll keep updating my progress here, wish me luck !

Good luck! Please be careful. Work on you... .self-validation, self-love, self-worth, etc. all of the things that we seem sometimes find ourselves feeling we need others to provide.

Tell me more about your musical aspirations if you get a chance. I sold my drums several years back, but I still hold on to the hope that I will learn to play the guitar that I have. I work at it every once and a while (more so now that I have more free time after the split).  Who knows... .maybe I will buy a set of drums to upset the neighbors!

Well, I've sent her a text in WhatsApp saying "Hey, do you remember the name of the record store we went to on your birthday?". Sent her that about 6 hours ago, she's been online multiple times but hasn't even entered the conversation (meaning it was delivered but not read). She DID however change her Instagram status (another thing about dogs, she REALLY likes dogs), hasn't changed it since the last time I contacted her 2 weeks ago, weird. maybe she thinks it's another message begging for me to take her back or something... IDK... .

I'd love to talk about music, I'll PM you.
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« Reply #47 on: April 02, 2015, 06:37:19 AM »

I kept reading on BPD and such... .She told me I treated her "differently", that unlike all others it didn't seem like I was judging her, it seemed like I understood her, and that's why she fell for me, but it took me weeks to ask her out (partly because EVERYONE at work told me we seemed like a couple and we're totally going to end up together) but I didn't feel attracted to her, just saw her as a really cool friend, "one of the guys", but I asked her out saying "why the hell not? we're doing great as it is, let's see how it'll go", and it was AMAZING, we never argued on anything, she was perfect... .or so I thought. I remember like 2 weeks into the relationship we were on a date, walking, and I thought I upset her so I just kicked a fence and said ":)AMMIT", she was walking faster then I did and I asked her what's wrong... .she said she thought "I was sick of her", I told her I thought she was upset and I blamed myself, and asked why in the world would I be sick of her, she said "I don't know, people usually get sick of me after a while" (basically - "I fear you'll abandon me like everyone else did", BPD sign #1), we called it a misunderstanding and laughed it out later... .but that was my first warning. during the time we were dating I experienced depression, substance abuse, painful heartaches and of course - my first panic-attack, when I was getting ready to meet her parents (the "uptight, abusive devils-in-disguise" she told me about), but it went on great... .I even met her sister ("THE DEVIL, THE BITCH, THE ONE I SHOULDN'T TALK TO" and we actually hit it off really well, we shared the same sense of humor, I have NEVER heard one good thing about her family, when it was bad - it was AWFUL, but when it was good - it was neutral. she even vowed to "never speak to her sister after she moves out"... her sister even told me "She does this a lot, she twists the reality in her mind and thinks it's the truth" (and I've seen multiple times when she thought her family did something to her, and they were just "denying the truth". It all makes sense now (well, it doesn't, but the pieces fall together) - She was post-traumatic, depressed and looking for someone to care for her, her family was split black so that was out of the question, and here I am, compassionate and friendly... .she told me she wanted me about 3 days into our friendship and was "planting hints left and right"... .and now that she has a stable job, a better connection with her family (thanks to your's truly) and is no longer suicidal or anorexic, the minute she saw something's wrong with me - she blamed me and twisted reality around (like I already explained in detail in a previous post), and now she just cuts me out like nothing has ever happened? like SHE'S the victim here? BS.

IDK what to do anymore.
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« Reply #48 on: April 02, 2015, 09:35:03 AM »

I should also mention - she was distorting my phrases as we were breaking up! for example:

- I told her on the phone that I had no experience in dating, and this is my first relationship but I want this to be my only relationship, she flipped out screaming "again with the pressure, how do you know this is going to be your only relationship?" I told her she wasn't listening, I WANT this to be my only relationship.

-When we started dating I told her that "unlike regular couples who test the water and go slow and steady, our relationship is like falling into deep water off a cliff, not knowing what'll happen", she USED THAT PHRASE when she was breaking up with me, saying "I dove into deep water with you, I didn't know what'll happen"

- We were BOTH excited about moving in together, we were walking a lot on dates and she'd stop by a building and say something like "this is a nice neighborhood, I think we could afford the rent her" or "I'd rather live here in poverty with you than alone in my parents' house", she even dragged me down to buy yarn with her so she could make us a blanket, saying "we'll need something to keep us warm in our new place" (never really got started on that blanket though), then when the s**tstorm was happening she told me things like "you put all this pressure on me, called me your family (because she didn't have a functioning one of her own so I calmed her down), that we were moving too fast, etc" I asked her that if she felt like it was going too fast WHY didn't she say something and she said something along the lines of "I didn't want to offend you"... .I'm sorry, if you don't want to offend me that's one thing... .but that's LIGHT YEARS away from actively talking with me about it, buying possible furniture and going as far as calling me her "future husband"... .W-T-F
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« Reply #49 on: April 02, 2015, 02:49:55 PM »

So sorry you are going through this.  That idealization phase is wonderful, but really has a nasty bite to it later in the r/s. Hang tough, my friend, we have all been there, thought things were going quite well, and then the whole bottom just drops out on us.

While I'm new to this experience as well, I've already been through one breakup. One thing that was mentioned earlier really stands out--They rapidly vacillate back and forth between painting you black and white.

My SO stayed with a mutual friend while getting her "Space", and their convo's

were about me, and changed almost daily.  One day I was a great BF, and she was just "Taking a break", and the next I was the devil from hell, never to be seen again! LoL.

So I did go NC, and a number of weeks in I started getting a few Misc. texts.

Usually just one sentence, and never an answer if I replied, but just a thank you for a mail order that had arrived,

or a note that "She was paying the cable bill" .

At one point I pushed it a little, asking if we could go to a nature program she had interest in--She agreed, but the night of the program she suddenly cancelled. 

She agreed to a quick dinner another time, and said she had made other plans. (Found out later she had promised our friend dinner same night, and cancelled on her as well.)

Another Time, with plans made, she failed to reply at all, but my friend said her phone was not working, and in fact she had to trade and buy a new one a few days later. I thought she was just being a jerk and blowing off our plans.

My point---Things are not always what they seem, when you are at a distance. Too easy for us nons to read something into whats not going on.

OK, so in MY OPINION ONLY, you made a attempt at contact. Good. Now, hard as it is---GO DARK! Quit stalking, stay off of her sites, facebook, insta, etc. Be Gone! I know it's frickin hard as hell.

Experience for me was--

When I made fresh contact she was mad as hell--Why is he trying to bug me? Can't that Rat just leave me alone. I told him it was over--he never listens or respects me. I'm so much better off alone.

Do you see what goes through her mind?

Then... .after she has thought about it, and wrestled in her own mind, and probably bounced back and forth, and even drank to excess, b___ed me out in absentia (Friend heard her talking to herself) she "suddenly" called and needed my help with something.

OK, so I helped out with that ONE THING--nothing more, no comments, no talk of r/s, just here is help you asked for--see ya! Left her with the impression that I wasn't bitter, but had moved on and was living my own life.

Guess what? Another call that maybe we should give this another shot.  We are still doing that--AND it is now a very different and difficult r/s. Nothing like idealization--NOTHING.  Read this Mr Bass--> Be careful what you wish for!

Read above line again please!

How bad can it be, you may ask?  Read some other experiences on this board.

Any or all of them can apply to your situation. Varies from pwBPD to another, but they will all do some variation of what you are reading.

In short, in my case, instead of the girl of my dreams, I have the roommate from hell.  Yes, like everyone here, I AM committed to staying in my r/s because I have my issues that I am working on as well, and the r/s works for me at this point.

Just my personal experience--take it for what it's worth.

"Your experience and results may vary" LoL



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Bassoutcast
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« Reply #50 on: April 02, 2015, 03:29:38 PM »

So sorry you are going through this.  That idealization phase is wonderful, but really has a nasty bite to it later in the r/s. Hang tough, my friend, we have all been there, thought things were going quite well, and then the whole bottom just drops out on us.

While I'm new to this experience as well, I've already been through one breakup. One thing that was mentioned earlier really stands out--They rapidly vacillate back and forth between painting you black and white.

My SO stayed with a mutual friend while getting her "Space", and their convo's

were about me, and changed almost daily.  One day I was a great BF, and she was just "Taking a break", and the next I was the devil from hell, never to be seen again! LoL.

So I did go NC, and a number of weeks in I started getting a few Misc. texts.

Usually just one sentence, and never an answer if I replied, but just a thank you for a mail order that had arrived,

or a note that "She was paying the cable bill" .

At one point I pushed it a little, asking if we could go to a nature program she had interest in--She agreed, but the night of the program she suddenly cancelled.  

She agreed to a quick dinner another time, and said she had made other plans. (Found out later she had promised our friend dinner same night, and cancelled on her as well.)

Another Time, with plans made, she failed to reply at all, but my friend said her phone was not working, and in fact she had to trade and buy a new one a few days later. I thought she was just being a jerk and blowing off our plans.

My point---Things are not always what they seem, when you are at a distance. Too easy for us nons to read something into whats not going on.

OK, so in MY OPINION ONLY, you made a attempt at contact. Good. Now, hard as it is---GO DARK! Quit stalking, stay off of her sites, facebook, insta, etc. Be Gone! I know it's frickin hard as hell.

Experience for me was--

When I made fresh contact she was mad as hell--Why is he trying to bug me? Can't that Rat just leave me alone. I told him it was over--he never listens or respects me. I'm so much better off alone.

Do you see what goes through her mind?

Then... .after she has thought about it, and wrestled in her own mind, and probably bounced back and forth, and even drank to excess, b___ed me out in absentia (Friend heard her talking to herself) she "suddenly" called and needed my help with something.

OK, so I helped out with that ONE THING--nothing more, no comments, no talk of r/s, just here is help you asked for--see ya! Left her with the impression that I wasn't bitter, but had moved on and was living my own life.

Guess what? Another call that maybe we should give this another shot.  We are still doing that--AND it is now a very different and difficult r/s. Nothing like idealization--NOTHING.  Read this Mr Bass--> Be careful what you wish for!

Read above line again please!

How bad can it be, you may ask?  Read some other experiences on this board.

Any or all of them can apply to your situation. Varies from pwBPD to another, but they will all do some variation of what you are reading.

In short, in my case, instead of the girl of my dreams, I have the roommate from hell.  Yes, like everyone here, I AM committed to staying in my r/s because I have my issues that I am working on as well, and the r/s works for me at this point.

Just my personal experience--take it for what it's worth.

"Your experience and results may vary" LoL


Thanks for the reply.

I sent her an Instagram request a few hours before reading this, guess what? yup, she rejected it.

Alright, I'll play her game, no more posting on Instagram, no more requests, I even set my WhatsApp activity to only be seen by my contacts. I think she'll wonder where did I go... .IDK, I still want her in my life, but it's clear she doesn't want me in hers, not for now at least. We'll see, maybe she'll contact me if she needs someone to accompany her to the concert we're both going, maybe earlier, IDK... .What are the chances she'll be back? Won't she see this as "oh well, guess he gave up on me, I knew he never loved me", or will it trigger something inside of her, maybe forgiveness, maybe second thoughts, something POSITIVE.
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« Reply #51 on: April 06, 2015, 07:21:01 PM »

Staff only

This thread has been split and locked, because it has reached its page limit. Thank you for understanding... .
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