Girlfriend with BPD broke up with me - is there a chance?

[Bassoutcast]

Anyone?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mike-X]

I really want to contact her in a few days to ask her how she's been and chat... .but I'm worried... .I don't want her to view me as the devil himself... .She's overreacting ... .And as much as it hurts I can't be "just friends" with her, It'll hurt too much... .I don't want her to feel like I abandoned her... .What should I say? how should I start the conversation?

I've read in many places that you should bring up a common topic, like "hey I just finished watching _____, thanks for recommending it to me!" but I told this strategy to my support system and they said it's "too "out of the blue", and that I should just casually chat her up like "hey, how are you?" and develop a conversation, but I fear I might trigger something... .can someone help me?

It sounds as if you are still wrestling with FOG issues. Can you see some in your post? Unfortunately, no one really knows how she might respond to your attempt to contact her. It depends on her mental state as much as what you say.

Why not assume that she knows that you are a good guy who didn't abandon her? Assume that she left because of her own issues, and nothing to do with you? (I say this to you knowing that I have my own FOG issues, and I do ask myself these same types of questions when I feel like reaching out.)

Are you feeling compelled to reach out to her for 'her' or for 'you'?

[Bassoutcast]

I really want to contact her in a few days to ask her how she's been and chat... .but I'm worried... .I don't want her to view me as the devil himself... .She's overreacting ... .And as much as it hurts I can't be "just friends" with her, It'll hurt too much... .I don't want her to feel like I abandoned her... .What should I say? how should I start the conversation?

I've read in many places that you should bring up a common topic, like "hey I just finished watching _____, thanks for recommending it to me!" but I told this strategy to my support system and they said it's "too "out of the blue", and that I should just casually chat her up like "hey, how are you?" and develop a conversation, but I fear I might trigger something... .can someone help me?

It sounds as if you are still wrestling with FOG issues. Can you see some in your post? Unfortunately, no one really knows how she might respond to your attempt to contact her. It depends on her mental state as much as what you say.

Why not assume that she knows that you are a good guy who didn't abandon her? Assume that she left because of her own issues, and nothing to do with you? (I say this to you knowing that I have my own FOG issues, and I do ask myself these same types of questions when I feel like reaching out.)

Are you feeling compelled to reach out to her for 'her' or for 'you'?

She told me to move on, that she would just weigh me down, I think she was saying that to make it easier on herself to push me away... .I accepted all she blamed me for because I cared... .She said she had enough issues of her own to be dealing with my issues as well... .But then she got sarcastic and acted like she did when we were friends... .it felt amazing... .

I want to contact her for both of us... .I think her thoughts are distorted by the disorder and maybe me popping into her bubble will make her true self surface... .And I need it too because I want this to work... .she taught me what love feels like, I look at couples with resentment now, and at women indifferently... .I want her in my world to be able to concentrate on moving forward... .I can't let her go and I'm stuck in my own fantasy... .She can tell me "go to hell" and I'll say "I love you too"... .that's just who I am... .I shared my story with people I can trust and they all said the effort I put into this relationship is mind-blowing, and that I'm a great guy... .what good is it to be a great guy if I can't keep the woman of my dreams with me... .she honestly thinks cutting me out would benefit her... .who the hell would tolerate her BS like I did... . 

[EaglesJuju]

I understand how difficult it is to be coping with your situation, especially if you are suffering from a personality disorder. 

Alright I'd like to confess something - there's a 95% chance I have Dependent Personality Disorder (DPD)

I suffer from DPD myself. Sometimes it can be really tough because, my pwBPD can trigger some of my DPD traits.  

I cannot say for sure what you have. Only a professional can diagnose DPD. Did you ask your therapist if you suffer from DPD?

[Bassoutcast]

I understand how difficult it is to be coping with your situation, especially if you are suffering from a personality disorder. 

Alright I'd like to confess something - there's a 95% chance I have Dependent Personality Disorder (DPD)

I suffer from DPD myself. Sometimes it can be really tough because, my pwBPD can trigger some of my DPD traits.  

I cannot say for sure what you have. Only a professional can diagnose DPD. Did you ask your therapist if you suffer from DPD?

Sadly, no. It's very hard for me to move on with my life, and people with DPD even told me to "STAY AWAY FROM BPD, THEY'RE THE WORST"... .but I just can't let her go... .

[EaglesJuju]

Sadly, no. It's very hard for me to move on with my life, and people with DPD even told me to "STAY AWAY FROM BPD, THEY'RE THE WORST"... .but I just can't let her go... .

It can be very hard for pwDPD to move on and break an attachment to another person. Similar to BPD, pwBPD tend to have abandonment fears. The main difference is that pwBPD tend to react to abandonment with emptiness, rage, and demands, while pwDPD react with submissiveness and appeasement. 

Although I have recovered from many of my maladaptive behaviors, I have gone through some periods of NC with my pwBPD and it was very difficult for me.  I found that focusing on myself and keeping busy worked three-fold: I was able to break some of my dependency on my pwBPD (I was completely enmeshed), I was able to put my needs first (I never did that with my pwBPD), and constantly doing things helped build my self-esteem. 

 

[Bassoutcast]

Sadly, no. It's very hard for me to move on with my life, and people with DPD even told me to "STAY AWAY FROM BPD, THEY'RE THE WORST"... .but I just can't let her go... .

It can be very hard for pwDPD to move on and break an attachment to another person. Similar to BPD, pwBPD tend to have abandonment fears. The main difference is that pwBPD tend to react to abandonment with emptiness, rage, and demands, while pwDPD react with submissiveness and appeasement.  

Although I have recovered from many of my maladaptive behaviors, I have gone through some periods of NC with my pwBPD and it was very difficult for me.  I found that focusing on myself and keeping busy worked three-fold: I was able to break some of my dependency on my pwBPD (I was completely enmeshed), I was able to put my needs first (I never did that with my pwBPD), and constantly doing things helped build my self-esteem.  

 

But she gave me back my stuff... .told me not to contact her... .told me "don't worry you'll find someone else soon"... .you read all of my comments, she did everything she can to forget me and cut me out of her life... .the question is do I let her?

[EaglesJuju]

 

But she gave me back my stuff... .told me not to contact her... .told me "don't worry you'll find someone else soon"... .you read all of my comments, she did everything she can to forget me and cut me out of her life... .the question is do I let her?

She has told you this is what she wants. You cannot change her behavior, thoughts, or feelings.  We cannot force someone do something we want.

On the other hand, we can change our behaviors, thoughts, and feelings.

How would you be able to prevent her from cutting you out of her life?

[Bassoutcast]

 

But she gave me back my stuff... .told me not to contact her... .told me "don't worry you'll find someone else soon"... .you read all of my comments, she did everything she can to forget me and cut me out of her life... .the question is do I let her?

She has told you this is what she wants. You cannot change her behavior, thoughts, or feelings.  We cannot force someone do something we want.

On the other hand, we can change our behaviors, thoughts, and feelings.

How would you be able to prevent her from cutting you out of her life?

By contacting her - she blocks away her feelings and emotions towards me, and by avoiding contact with me she's avoiding facing with what she feels and would rather blame me and cut me out then face her emotions and work this out... .but if I'll pop into her life, after weeks without contact, asking her what's up and how she's doing, that'll show her I still care enough to ask her, that I did not forget her or abandon her, but I won't beg for her to take me back or anything, I'm past that now. If she tells me to stop bothering/taking to her I'll tell I'm not bothering her, just asking how she's been, if she continues to push me away I'll tell her I understand she feels that way but I'm not her enemy... .I'll tell her to stop blaming me, and I'll end it with a poem, in which I'll tell her that one day she'll understand the meaning of my words, and that I'm always there for her, tell her I love her (perhaps for the final time) and end the conversation on a high note, so that if she would ever go through her texts, she'll remember me like this.

[Mike-X]

By contacting her - she blocks away her feelings and emotions towards me, and by avoiding contact with me she's avoiding facing with what she feels and would rather blame me and cut me out then face her emotions and work this out... .but if I'll pop into her life, after weeks without contact, asking her what's up and how she's doing, that'll show her I still care enough to ask her, that I did not forget her or abandon her, but I won't beg for her to take me back or anything, I'm past that now. If she tells me to stop bothering/taking to her I'll tell I'm not bothering her, just asking how she's been, if she continues to push me away I'll tell her I understand she feels that way but I'm not her enemy... .I'll tell her to stop blaming me, and I'll end it with a poem, in which I'll tell her that one day she'll understand the meaning of my words, and that I'm always there for her, tell her I love her (perhaps for the final time) and end the conversation on a high note, so that if she would ever go through her texts, she'll remember me like this.

I feel like I understand your struggle to some degree, because I also wrestle with contacting my ex regularly. Just a bit on thinking this through... .thinking about BPD, what are some possible outcomes if you did contact her in this way, pros and cons?

Also can you help me to understand what you think "I'll tell her to stop blaming me" will accomplish and why?

[Bassoutcast]

By contacting her - she blocks away her feelings and emotions towards me, and by avoiding contact with me she's avoiding facing with what she feels and would rather blame me and cut me out then face her emotions and work this out... .but if I'll pop into her life, after weeks without contact, asking her what's up and how she's doing, that'll show her I still care enough to ask her, that I did not forget her or abandon her, but I won't beg for her to take me back or anything, I'm past that now. If she tells me to stop bothering/taking to her I'll tell I'm not bothering her, just asking how she's been, if she continues to push me away I'll tell her I understand she feels that way but I'm not her enemy... .I'll tell her to stop blaming me, and I'll end it with a poem, in which I'll tell her that one day she'll understand the meaning of my words, and that I'm always there for her, tell her I love her (perhaps for the final time) and end the conversation on a high note, so that if she would ever go through her texts, she'll remember me like this.

I feel like I understand your struggle to some degree, because I also wrestle with contacting my ex regularly. Just a bit on thinking this through... .thinking about BPD, what are some possible outcomes if you did contact her in this way, pros and cons?

Also can you help me to understand what you think "I'll tell her to stop blaming me" will accomplish and why?

Pros - I might break her "barrier" off, get a conversation going, maybe establish a line of communication

Cons - She might see this as unattractive, me being needy again, might push her even further away and lock away every drop of love she has left for me for good.

I thought this through and I think I'll do it subtly, I don't know how thin's the ice I'm about to step on and I don't want to drown... .I'll just text her asking about something mutual, no neediness or strings attached, "Hey, do you by any chance remember the name of that record store in ____ we went to?",this isn't desperate in any way, and It'll make her remember a great day we had together (possibly our best date). I'll send her a few of those "non-triggering" messages, and then I'll casually set up a meet-up (not mentioning this is a date or anything, it's whatever she wants it to be), meet up with her and chat, focusing the conversation on her, not mentioning our fights or anything, that's already in the past... .and who knows where it'll go from there.

[Mike-X]

I see. Many on the boards have tried this, so why not I guess. I am currently low contact with my ex. I only respond to her texts and calls. She was only responding infrequently to my texts, so I quit reaching out to her, believing that I don't deserve that. She definitely didn't do that during the idealization phase or when we were living together. Plus, I started having concerns about all of the false police charges members of the boards have had filed against them for harassment. With all of the false, outlandish  accusations that she made against me, I just don't know whether she would do something like that or not. I can't trust her with all she has done already.

If she wants to contact me, she knows how. I have lots of work to do with myself and lots of other things to do with my time. And believe me it does hurt to  think all of this, because I loved her dearly and tried with everything I had to make this relationship work. In my mind, she is very damaged and needs serious professional help. As much as I would love to, I can't  fix her.

[Mike-X]

Let me add that she never told me not to contact her. I just stopped because of the infrequent responding and my own healing in believing that I want and deserve better in a relationship.

Again, all very difficult to deal with and say, because I still feel such a strong attachment to her.

[Bassoutcast]

I see. Many on the boards have tried this, so why not I guess. I am currently low contact with my ex. I only respond to her texts and calls. She was only responding infrequently to my texts, so I quit reaching out to her, believing that I don't deserve that. She definitely didn't do that during the idealization phase or when we were living together. Plus, I started having concerns about all of the false police charges members of the boards have had filed against them for harassment. With all of the false, outlandish  accusations that she made against me, I just don't know whether she would do something like that or not. I can't trust her with all she has done already.

If she wants to contact me, she knows how. I have lots of work to do with myself and lots of other things to do with my time. And believe me it does hurt to  think all of this, because I loved her dearly and tried with everything I had to make this relationship work. In my mind, she is very damaged and needs serious professional help. As much as I would love to, I can't  fix her.

Aren't we all in the same boat, huh? I understand how you're feeling... .With a disorder like BPD you can't predict anything, but it's worth a try. I think low-contact is the best way to go, it keeps your SO in your life while at the same time not making it look like you're trying to hard. We can't fix them, only support them and try to understand them.

I'll keep updating my progress here, wish me luck !

[Mike-X]

I see. Many on the boards have tried this, so why not I guess. I am currently low contact with my ex. I only respond to her texts and calls. She was only responding infrequently to my texts, so I quit reaching out to her, believing that I don't deserve that. She definitely didn't do that during the idealization phase or when we were living together. Plus, I started having concerns about all of the false police charges members of the boards have had filed against them for harassment. With all of the false, outlandish  accusations that she made against me, I just don't know whether she would do something like that or not. I can't trust her with all she has done already.

If she wants to contact me, she knows how. I have lots of work to do with myself and lots of other things to do with my time. And believe me it does hurt to  think all of this, because I loved her dearly and tried with everything I had to make this relationship work. In my mind, she is very damaged and needs serious professional help. As much as I would love to, I can't  fix her.

Aren't we all in the same boat, huh? I understand how you're feeling... .With a disorder like BPD you can't predict anything, but it's worth a try. I think low-contact is the best way to go, it keeps your SO in your life while at the same time not making it look like you're trying to hard. We can't fix them, only support them and try to understand them.

I'll keep updating my progress here, wish me luck !

Good luck! Please be careful. Work on you... .self-validation, self-love, self-worth, etc. all of the things that we seem sometimes find ourselves feeling we need others to provide.

Tell me more about your musical aspirations if you get a chance. I sold my drums several years back, but I still hold on to the hope that I will learn to play the guitar that I have. I work at it every once and a while (more so now that I have more free time after the split).  Who knows... .maybe I will buy a set of drums to upset the neighbors!

[Mike-X]

An interesting exercise that was just posted:

I think the hard part for us co-dependents is getting clarity on our own feelings. Here was one of the exercises in the SWOE workbook, imagine a RS without BPD. What would you want it to look like? That was a   for me. When I took the time to list out all of the things that I wanted, hoped, wished, dreamed for, I began to get in touch with just how much grief I have been carrying (like a heavy sack on my shoulders) for over ten years. Then you take that list and refine it by noting the things that you had hoped to receive from your partner and those things that your partner was never going to really do (like be a great rock climbing partner, one of my examples). Then you note the priority of these needs or desires for you. I saw some patterns emerge, centered around kindness, respect, compassion and understanding. That became my first boundary that I absolutely needed to work on. When communications reflect the opposite of kindness, respect, compassion and understanding, I need to take a break for me. I try to validate my wife's emotions and express that I am taking a break for myself, that what she has to say is important to me and I will be back in 20 minutes to discuss it.

[Bassoutcast]

I see. Many on the boards have tried this, so why not I guess. I am currently low contact with my ex. I only respond to her texts and calls. She was only responding infrequently to my texts, so I quit reaching out to her, believing that I don't deserve that. She definitely didn't do that during the idealization phase or when we were living together. Plus, I started having concerns about all of the false police charges members of the boards have had filed against them for harassment. With all of the false, outlandish  accusations that she made against me, I just don't know whether she would do something like that or not. I can't trust her with all she has done already.

If she wants to contact me, she knows how. I have lots of work to do with myself and lots of other things to do with my time. And believe me it does hurt to  think all of this, because I loved her dearly and tried with everything I had to make this relationship work. In my mind, she is very damaged and needs serious professional help. As much as I would love to, I can't  fix her.

Aren't we all in the same boat, huh? I understand how you're feeling... .With a disorder like BPD you can't predict anything, but it's worth a try. I think low-contact is the best way to go, it keeps your SO in your life while at the same time not making it look like you're trying to hard. We can't fix them, only support them and try to understand them.

I'll keep updating my progress here, wish me luck !

Good luck! Please be careful. Work on you... .self-validation, self-love, self-worth, etc. all of the things that we seem sometimes find ourselves feeling we need others to provide.

Tell me more about your musical aspirations if you get a chance. I sold my drums several years back, but I still hold on to the hope that I will learn to play the guitar that I have. I work at it every once and a while (more so now that I have more free time after the split).  Who knows... .maybe I will buy a set of drums to upset the neighbors!

Well, I've sent her a text in WhatsApp saying "Hey, do you remember the name of the record store we went to on your birthday?". Sent her that about 6 hours ago, she's been online multiple times but hasn't even entered the conversation (meaning it was delivered but not read). She DID however change her Instagram status (another thing about dogs, she REALLY likes dogs), hasn't changed it since the last time I contacted her 2 weeks ago, weird. maybe she thinks it's another message begging for me to take her back or something... IDK... .

I'd love to talk about music, I'll PM you.

[Bassoutcast]

I kept reading on BPD and such... .She told me I treated her "differently", that unlike all others it didn't seem like I was judging her, it seemed like I understood her, and that's why she fell for me, but it took me weeks to ask her out (partly because EVERYONE at work told me we seemed like a couple and we're totally going to end up together) but I didn't feel attracted to her, just saw her as a really cool friend, "one of the guys", but I asked her out saying "why the hell not? we're doing great as it is, let's see how it'll go", and it was AMAZING, we never argued on anything, she was perfect... .or so I thought. I remember like 2 weeks into the relationship we were on a date, walking, and I thought I upset her so I just kicked a fence and said ":)AMMIT", she was walking faster then I did and I asked her what's wrong... .she said she thought "I was sick of her", I told her I thought she was upset and I blamed myself, and asked why in the world would I be sick of her, she said "I don't know, people usually get sick of me after a while" (basically - "I fear you'll abandon me like everyone else did", BPD sign #1), we called it a misunderstanding and laughed it out later... .but that was my first warning. during the time we were dating I experienced depression, substance abuse, painful heartaches and of course - my first panic-attack, when I was getting ready to meet her parents (the "uptight, abusive devils-in-disguise" she told me about), but it went on great... .I even met her sister ("THE DEVIL, THE BITCH, THE ONE I SHOULDN'T TALK TO" and we actually hit it off really well, we shared the same sense of humor, I have NEVER heard one good thing about her family, when it was bad - it was AWFUL, but when it was good - it was neutral. she even vowed to "never speak to her sister after she moves out"... her sister even told me "She does this a lot, she twists the reality in her mind and thinks it's the truth" (and I've seen multiple times when she thought her family did something to her, and they were just "denying the truth". It all makes sense now (well, it doesn't, but the pieces fall together) - She was post-traumatic, depressed and looking for someone to care for her, her family was split black so that was out of the question, and here I am, compassionate and friendly... .she told me she wanted me about 3 days into our friendship and was "planting hints left and right"... .and now that she has a stable job, a better connection with her family (thanks to your's truly) and is no longer suicidal or anorexic, the minute she saw something's wrong with me - she blamed me and twisted reality around (like I already explained in detail in a previous post), and now she just cuts me out like nothing has ever happened? like SHE'S the victim here? BS.

IDK what to do anymore.

[Bassoutcast]

I should also mention - she was distorting my phrases as we were breaking up! for example:

- I told her on the phone that I had no experience in dating, and this is my first relationship but I want this to be my only relationship, she flipped out screaming "again with the pressure, how do you know this is going to be your only relationship?" I told her she wasn't listening, I WANT this to be my only relationship.

-When we started dating I told her that "unlike regular couples who test the water and go slow and steady, our relationship is like falling into deep water off a cliff, not knowing what'll happen", she USED THAT PHRASE when she was breaking up with me, saying "I dove into deep water with you, I didn't know what'll happen"

- We were BOTH excited about moving in together, we were walking a lot on dates and she'd stop by a building and say something like "this is a nice neighborhood, I think we could afford the rent her" or "I'd rather live here in poverty with you than alone in my parents' house", she even dragged me down to buy yarn with her so she could make us a blanket, saying "we'll need something to keep us warm in our new place" (never really got started on that blanket though), then when the s**tstorm was happening she told me things like "you put all this pressure on me, called me your family (because she didn't have a functioning one of her own so I calmed her down), that we were moving too fast, etc" I asked her that if she felt like it was going too fast WHY didn't she say something and she said something along the lines of "I didn't want to offend you"... .I'm sorry, if you don't want to offend me that's one thing... .but that's LIGHT YEARS away from actively talking with me about it, buying possible furniture and going as far as calling me her "future husband"... .W-T-F

[Riverrat]

So sorry you are going through this.  That idealization phase is wonderful, but really has a nasty bite to it later in the r/s. Hang tough, my friend, we have all been there, thought things were going quite well, and then the whole bottom just drops out on us.

While I'm new to this experience as well, I've already been through one breakup. One thing that was mentioned earlier really stands out--They rapidly vacillate back and forth between painting you black and white.

My SO stayed with a mutual friend while getting her "Space", and their convo's

were about me, and changed almost daily.  One day I was a great BF, and she was just "Taking a break", and the next I was the devil from hell, never to be seen again! LoL.

So I did go NC, and a number of weeks in I started getting a few Misc. texts.

Usually just one sentence, and never an answer if I replied, but just a thank you for a mail order that had arrived,

or a note that "She was paying the cable bill" .

At one point I pushed it a little, asking if we could go to a nature program she had interest in--She agreed, but the night of the program she suddenly cancelled. 

She agreed to a quick dinner another time, and said she had made other plans. (Found out later she had promised our friend dinner same night, and cancelled on her as well.)

Another Time, with plans made, she failed to reply at all, but my friend said her phone was not working, and in fact she had to trade and buy a new one a few days later. I thought she was just being a jerk and blowing off our plans.

My point---Things are not always what they seem, when you are at a distance. Too easy for us nons to read something into whats not going on.

OK, so in MY OPINION ONLY, you made a attempt at contact. Good. Now, hard as it is---GO DARK! Quit stalking, stay off of her sites, facebook, insta, etc. Be Gone! I know it's frickin hard as hell.

Experience for me was--

When I made fresh contact she was mad as hell--Why is he trying to bug me? Can't that Rat just leave me alone. I told him it was over--he never listens or respects me. I'm so much better off alone.

Do you see what goes through her mind?

Then... .after she has thought about it, and wrestled in her own mind, and probably bounced back and forth, and even drank to excess, b___ed me out in absentia (Friend heard her talking to herself) she "suddenly" called and needed my help with something.

OK, so I helped out with that ONE THING--nothing more, no comments, no talk of r/s, just here is help you asked for--see ya! Left her with the impression that I wasn't bitter, but had moved on and was living my own life.

Guess what? Another call that maybe we should give this another shot.  We are still doing that--AND it is now a very different and difficult r/s. Nothing like idealization--NOTHING.  Read this Mr Bass--> Be careful what you wish for!

Read above line again please!

How bad can it be, you may ask?  Read some other experiences on this board.

Any or all of them can apply to your situation. Varies from pwBPD to another, but they will all do some variation of what you are reading.

In short, in my case, instead of the girl of my dreams, I have the roommate from hell.  Yes, like everyone here, I AM committed to staying in my r/s because I have my issues that I am working on as well, and the r/s works for me at this point.

Just my personal experience--take it for what it's worth.

"Your experience and results may vary" LoL

[Bassoutcast]

So sorry you are going through this.  That idealization phase is wonderful, but really has a nasty bite to it later in the r/s. Hang tough, my friend, we have all been there, thought things were going quite well, and then the whole bottom just drops out on us.

While I'm new to this experience as well, I've already been through one breakup. One thing that was mentioned earlier really stands out--They rapidly vacillate back and forth between painting you black and white.

My SO stayed with a mutual friend while getting her "Space", and their convo's

were about me, and changed almost daily.  One day I was a great BF, and she was just "Taking a break", and the next I was the devil from hell, never to be seen again! LoL.

So I did go NC, and a number of weeks in I started getting a few Misc. texts.

Usually just one sentence, and never an answer if I replied, but just a thank you for a mail order that had arrived,

or a note that "She was paying the cable bill" .

At one point I pushed it a little, asking if we could go to a nature program she had interest in--She agreed, but the night of the program she suddenly cancelled.  

She agreed to a quick dinner another time, and said she had made other plans. (Found out later she had promised our friend dinner same night, and cancelled on her as well.)

Another Time, with plans made, she failed to reply at all, but my friend said her phone was not working, and in fact she had to trade and buy a new one a few days later. I thought she was just being a jerk and blowing off our plans.

My point---Things are not always what they seem, when you are at a distance. Too easy for us nons to read something into whats not going on.

OK, so in MY OPINION ONLY, you made a attempt at contact. Good. Now, hard as it is---GO DARK! Quit stalking, stay off of her sites, facebook, insta, etc. Be Gone! I know it's frickin hard as hell.

Experience for me was--

When I made fresh contact she was mad as hell--Why is he trying to bug me? Can't that Rat just leave me alone. I told him it was over--he never listens or respects me. I'm so much better off alone.

Do you see what goes through her mind?

Then... .after she has thought about it, and wrestled in her own mind, and probably bounced back and forth, and even drank to excess, b___ed me out in absentia (Friend heard her talking to herself) she "suddenly" called and needed my help with something.

OK, so I helped out with that ONE THING--nothing more, no comments, no talk of r/s, just here is help you asked for--see ya! Left her with the impression that I wasn't bitter, but had moved on and was living my own life.

Guess what? Another call that maybe we should give this another shot.  We are still doing that--AND it is now a very different and difficult r/s. Nothing like idealization--NOTHING.  Read this Mr Bass--> Be careful what you wish for!

Read above line again please!

How bad can it be, you may ask?  Read some other experiences on this board.

Any or all of them can apply to your situation. Varies from pwBPD to another, but they will all do some variation of what you are reading.

In short, in my case, instead of the girl of my dreams, I have the roommate from hell.  Yes, like everyone here, I AM committed to staying in my r/s because I have my issues that I am working on as well, and the r/s works for me at this point.

Just my personal experience--take it for what it's worth.

"Your experience and results may vary" LoL

Thanks for the reply.

I sent her an Instagram request a few hours before reading this, guess what? yup, she rejected it.

Alright, I'll play her game, no more posting on Instagram, no more requests, I even set my WhatsApp activity to only be seen by my contacts. I think she'll wonder where did I go... .IDK, I still want her in my life, but it's clear she doesn't want me in hers, not for now at least. We'll see, maybe she'll contact me if she needs someone to accompany her to the concert we're both going, maybe earlier, IDK... .What are the chances she'll be back? Won't she see this as "oh well, guess he gave up on me, I knew he never loved me", or will it trigger something inside of her, maybe forgiveness, maybe second thoughts, something POSITIVE.

[Rapt Reader]

This thread has been split and locked, because it has reached its page limit. Thank you for understanding... .