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Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
A Powerful Life Skill
Setting Boundaries
and Setting Limits
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Author Topic: Hi, I need help with this relationship  (Read 376 times)
austen
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 2


« on: March 24, 2015, 10:44:19 PM »

Hi, I am new here. I am struggling to deal with the depression and anger of my significant other. His raging outbursts seem to be getting more frequent and more severe.

A little over a year ago, we moved to the small town that he grew up in. I thought this might help him feel better, but I think this has made him regress. I am isolated here, and do not have any friends or family here. I cannot afford therapy as he has not had a job in 7 months, and refuses to get one. He had several toxic job experiences earlier last year, that caused him alot of stress.

He seems to be getting further and further removed from reality. He stays inside all day, on the internet, seemingly working on 'projects' that might make money. These never amount to any money. He'll start projects- either work-related or recreation-related, that he doesn't complete, or that don't work out. He has signed up with extremist groups online. He seems to be getting angrier and angrier.

Tonight, I sent him links to online job sites. Told him that he needed to bring in some money, however he did it, but he needed to bring in some actual money. About an hour later, he came out screaming at me that he hates living with me, he's tired of being nice to me, he was fine all day until I came home, why don't I get an online job?, called me an idiot, can see why no one would want to pay me more than a little bit of money... .He said that maybe he should shoot himself right now, what's the point.

So, now I feel like I can't make any demands on him, God forbid he really does something drastic, and I feel completely trapped. The job that I have in this small town barely covers our bills. I don't know what to do to help myself or to help him at this point. This town does not have decent therapy or support groups.

Thank you for listening.
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This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Haye
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: SO
Posts: 148



« Reply #1 on: March 25, 2015, 02:16:15 AM »

Hi Austen and welcome to bpdfamily. There are a lot of us here, knowing and feeling (or have known and felt) the very things and thoughts you describe. Your situations sounds overwhelming and difficult.

I have some questions for you and some thoughts on your situation.

Is your SO diagnosed with BPD? Does he admit himself he has BPD or other issues? Does he have any outside help with his condition, like therapy (i'm sorry, i wasn't sure if the therapy you mentioned you cannot afford was for you or for him). Does he have medication to his depression, a permanent doctor/psychiatrist he sees? Does his family or friends know about his condition or are you both totally alone with all this?

Suicide threads should always be taken seriously. It is however not your responsibility to handle those, specially not alone! If you are worried, you should call 911. If he has any treatment going on, make sure that he tells how he is doing honestly. If he doesn't have anything going on I think he seriously needs to be checked and perhaps 911 or local hospital could tell you what to do. It could have been something he just blurted out, but it could also be what he thinks most of the time.

I think anyone would feel trapped, fustrated etc not finding a good job and that is probably making your boyfriend going worse. Also it could be guilt of not being able to support even himself (let alone you), but well sometimes people take it outside (blaming you for feeling bad).

You being quite isolated and without friends makes it of course more difficult. You have your own worries and being alone, without anyone to condife with. It makes it more difficult to handle all the problems that arise. Is there a way to find some new friends there? A hobby like painting classes or sports where you would meet new people and get away from thinking homestuff for a while? How about looking for local friends online? You have to take care of yourself, that's really important.

Wish I had more and better advice to give  
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123Phoebe
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 2070



« Reply #2 on: March 25, 2015, 05:45:49 AM »

Hi austen   I'm really glad you found us; your situation sounds very difficult

Do you still have connections in your hometown, or where you moved to here from?

So, now I feel like I can't make any demands on him

I copied that statement, because it's a very true one.  No matter what he might do.  Demanding that he bring some money in, is coming from a real place inside of you.  I would imagine when you moved to his hometown, it wasn't even in your thoughts that he wouldn't hold down a job!  Let alone, scream at you to find an online job in the same breath as stating he hates living with you and all that other junk.  Ugh, utter confusion.

When I start thinking about 'demands', it's usually because a boundary of mine is being crossed, something that I hold a lot of value towards... .  Here's a link that will explain it better than I can: https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries

There's a lot of good information available here and hope you will stick around to utilize it Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  Having peer support goes a long way, too

Hang in there, okay!  We are here for you and can relate... .


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takingandsending
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Married, 15 years; together 18 years
Posts: 1121



« Reply #3 on: March 25, 2015, 05:44:18 PM »

Hi austen.

I am so sorry to hear about your struggles right now. It can be very hard and isolating being in relationship with a SO with BPD. You are both facing a lot of stress.

I agree that suicide threats must be taken seriously, simply because we don't know what is going on in our partner's head. Call 911. You are not responsible for being able to determine whether or not he means it.

Re. not being able to make any demands, your partner is already stressed out. Whether or not you demand something is likely to make little difference in whether your needs are being met. If it increases his stress, it will likely make it less likely that your needs are met. Can you talk a bit about what you need to have happen to feel more secure and in a better place right now? Those are things to focus on. When you know that your needs are being met, it will free up some of the anxiety and worry, which will allow you to be better equipped to speaking with and supporting your partner with BPD.

The lessons to the right of this page are a great place to start to learn how we can not make a precarious situation worse, and in doing so, begin to understand how to take care of ourselves first before we try to help our partners. First and foremost, do you feel like you are in a safe place around your partner, i.e. no worries over your physical security? If you can provide some more specifics, we can try to give you more direct support.

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austen
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 2


« Reply #4 on: March 25, 2015, 08:59:00 PM »

Thank you all for your replies, I really appreciate it. It helps to be able to share this behavior with people who understand, and it helps me feel less isolated. I will read the lessons on the right and the link on boundaries, that is helpful.

It is a good suggestion to call 911 if he makes a suicide threat again. I don't feel physically threatened by him. He has never physically touched me, and I don't have anxiety about that. I fear that if he were to do anything when he is in this state, that it would probably be to himself.

It's true, that there is no point in bringing up a stressful topic like a job when he just can't hear it. For the most part, I have tried to focus on my own interests over the past month, and just let him try to do his thing, and that seems to be the better approach. He said that he liked that I was motivated to work on my hobby, and that he liked the effort and energy I was expending towards that. I guess that's the best thing to do. Just keep focusing on my own interests, and hopefully that will be a good motivator for him, too. It's just hard to maintain the discipline of not getting frustrated with him and wanting to confront him directly, and I guess I have to work on letting that approach go.

My SO has not been diagnosed with BPD. He had a therapist for several years, but that ended about 9 years ago. I feel that his condition has worsened since the loss of that relationship. Based on what I have read, I am surmising that he has BPD. He has said that he would go to another therapist. He realizes he has issues, and does need to talk to somebody. Right now, we don't have the funds to send him to a therapist. He said he does not feel comfortable going to a support group, and will not go. My hope is that our financial situation will improve, and he can go to therapy.

I agree that I have to make more of an effort to meet people in my local area, and taking a class is a good idea.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Thanks everyone for your input and for welcoming me here, it helps alot.

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an0ught
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: married
Posts: 5048



« Reply #5 on: March 30, 2015, 12:45:57 PM »

Hi austen,

It's true, that there is no point in bringing up a stressful topic like a job when he just can't hear it. For the most part, I have tried to focus on my own interests over the past month, and just let him try to do his thing, and that seems to be the better approach. He said that he liked that I was motivated to work on my hobby, and that he liked the effort and energy I was expending towards that. I guess that's the best thing to do. Just keep focusing on my own interests, and hopefully that will be a good motivator for him, too. It's just hard to maintain the discipline of not getting frustrated with him and wanting to confront him directly, and I guess I have to work on letting that approach go.

him not able to work seems to be a big elephant in the room. Can't push him without some glass is shattered.

You husband is depressed and things are not rosy. Not an easy situation for both of you . Have you worked through the workshops on validation? Dealing with negative emotions is not easy for us and validating negative emotions often initially feels not natural. Certainly US culture has a bent for looking at the bright side of things. Problem is the more sun the darker it gets if you are in the shadow. Validating negative emotions and the negative overall situation in a non-judgmental way can provide some relief.

COMMUNICATION: Validation - tools and techniques

COMMUNICATION: S.E.T. technique

What do you think?
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  Writing is self validation. Writing on bpdfamily is self validation squared!
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