Very Sad - He's leaving country, officially over - Need Help Unravelling

[virginiawoolf]

I'd written before in : https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273651.0

My uBPDxbf is leaving country in 5 days and will be gone for 3 months, and now he's made it official that we're over. He'd already made it pretty clear, but now it's in writing. We've broken up before, but this feels very real.

Today, I'd finally written him back after a few days of me not responding to his texts (he'd sent a slew of texts chronicled in my link above; I took a few days to respond because I was hurt and confused. I finally texted him back today, a pretty brief text, tried to validate and got the following texts back):

"I've been doing yoga everyday. My knee is still bad. IDK, it's upsetting. My anxiety is what it is. I'm ok. I'm always sending you love and care. I don't know about [his aunt's -- we were supposed to maybe go there on short getaway end of this week before his trip]. I don't think I'm gonna be able to work before anyway with my knee... .but also maybe it would be irresponsible of me to go. I love you very much and very deeply. I understand you not responding. But I think those texts were very important for me to write you. [NOTE: I still don't understand these "important" texts... .any thoughts? I included them in the link above, end of first entry]. I don't want to mystify the perfect goodbye but I also don't want a bad goodbye. So I would like to see you soon and before I go. But I'm too unstable to lead us through this. Blame aside, going forward as a positive collective is very important to me... .as I said you are and will always be one of my best friends. But I'm confused when I look back and think about how so much guilt and resentment was built up between two people who love each other so much... .and it leads me to blame myself... .cause that's how I think... .but that's not a positive route forward. I want to remain in each others lives... .how that is idk... .but it's very important to me... .deeply important... .and unconditional... .for me... .To me that is something I've said many times to us, thinking it would be assumed and appreciated. I could see us together... .happy... .romantically... .but not right now... .not because of you... .but because I'm not ready to handle responsibilities that come with a romantic relationship... .which I come to accept and take responsibility for. But that should not negate all the love I am proud to take responsibility for when it comes to how I feel about you as another human being."

I'm having a really hard time accepting that we are ending. Does this seem final to you? Is there hope?

I'm wondering about his strong wishes to remain in each others life.

I'm hanging onto the part where he says he can see us together... .happy... .romantically... .but not right now (Is there hope here? What do I make of this?).

Also, he is undiagnosed but strongly meets pretty much all criteria for BPD. But he seems very resistant to painting romantic partners black at the close of relationship. (During, maybe, but after, from what I tell, he idealizes them intensely as friends. What do you all make of this? And does anything else about his message strike you as BPD-ish?)

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[once removed]

hi virginiawoolf, ive been following.

"I'm having a really hard time accepting that we are ending. Does this seem final to you? Is there hope?"

im going out on a bit of a limb in my reply here and assuming that you feel similarly to how i did and you obviously may not. but personally i desperately wanted out of my relationship until it actually happened. i sense that in your posts. regardless, wanting out during the relationship is not preparation for when it happens. specifically, does it "seem final"? its not anything new really except a response to your non response. it doesnt have to be. is there hope? im someone who believes in hope in general. is there hope with BPD? debatable and a unique experience. is there hope in your case? i dont think thats anything a responsible person can answer yes or no to. in the beginning of my recovery, i clinged to hope. it might have prolonged my healing, but it was my process, and ultimately im very confident it worked for me. but thats because in the end, as i mentioned, i actually wanted out.

"I'm wondering about his strong wishes to remain in each others life."

in spite of my previous advice, dont. i dont think theres really such thing as "strong wishes" in terms of a pwBPD being able to sustain their feelings. this is a guy who goes on these strange retreats and intends to cut off contact in the process. sure he wishes. that doesnt mean he can sustain that wish, and it doesnt mean he cant.

"I'm hanging onto the part where he says he can see us together... .happy... .romantically... .but not right now (Is there hope here? What do I make of this?)."

if id been asking this question at the time, id have wished someone answered for me in this way: you know how the common thread of advice on this board is to focus on yourself? thats where the hope is. from reading your posts i see that you feel youve somewhat psychologically "slipped" in this relationship which is understandable. but lets stipulate this relationship could be something good for you. wouldnt it be ideal if the both of you were able to be your authentic selves? frankly if you want to believe theres hope, theres hope. but i dont think theres hope in a sustainable relationship until issues have been dealt with on both ends.

more important than anything ive suggested is that this is at least a somewhat unexpected and traumatic experience for you, and that its natural for thoughts like these to plague you. it might be somewhat helpful to know that that itself is reasonable to expect.

[virginiawoolf]

Thanks so much for your kind words.

I don't in fact think I desperately wanted out. I think more I've desperately wanted to hang on. At the same time -- and you were probably able to perceive this by reading in between the lines of my previous postings -- there is a part of me that knows, deep down, that the relationship, such as it is, is and has  been deeply troubled.

Can I ask... .would you mind clarifying what you meant here a bit? (sorry if I'm being obtuse):

does it "seem final"? its not anything new really except a response to your non response. it doesnt have to be.

Is there anything I can do now to reverse the direction things have taken? Or to not make things worse?

I'm supposed to see him Friday. He's leaving Monday.

[patientandclear]

VW, he just sounds very confused. I'd bet my hat that it isn't over for good--unless you want it to be. He sounds honest (and not devaluing) in wanting to keep you in his life while not knowing if he can manage the responsibility of a relationship.

Not to say this is easy, but ... .From both the texts and email, it seems as though he is just very typically (for BPD) having a hard time with his fears, both of loss and of closeness.

[once removed]

sorry if i misinterpreted. i did at least avoid advice based on that interpretation.

"does it "seem final"? its not anything new really except a response to your non response. it doesnt have to be.

Is there anything I can do now to reverse the direction things have taken? Or to not make things worse?

I'm supposed to see him Friday. He's leaving Monday."


i was basically trying to alleviate some of your anxiety. nothing is set in stone and i dont think you need to assume that just because youre experiencing something new here, that it necessarily changes anything. i could be wrong in suggesting that. it would seem to me he perceived abandonment when you werent texting him, but that kind of perception can happen any time, whether you responded or not.

frankly i think it would be stupid for me to offer advice on what to say or do. there are others on this board that are far better equipped than i to offer that. if i recall correctly, on a previous post, someone more or less answered you with that advice, to just respond to him and try to keep your upcoming hangout plans. if thats what you wish to do, that seems best to me. i do think i can give some advice on what to prepare for. the reason id ever hesitate to use the word "final" is because you cant really predict his behavior. what i mean is, say you ignore him. this could prompt him to confess his undying love; or the opposite, or nothing. so if your goal is to keep communication open, i think you should. again, other members can give you a better idea of how to respond than i can. however, be prepared that when you respond, he may not respond. thats likely to make you feel worse so be prepared for it. youre in a situation, obviously, and it could get worse before it gets better. but id also say that if he doesnt respond, that does NOT mean he will not respond eventually, and it doesnt mean that whatever response you give "made things worse". its a tricky situation. i hope someone will share an ideal method of communication/response. you can also share what you intend to send before you send it, for feedback.

hope this helps.