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Aquarius22

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 6


« on: March 25, 2015, 09:22:46 AM »

I am surrounded by extreme BPD. My mom, my sister, my fiance... .the fiance is the problem since, after having some really wild times with Mom and Sis, I decided enough was enough.

It is harder with fiance because he started out so charming. I should have recognized that he had BPD the first time he flat out cut me out of his life and refused to talk to me again for months, but I didn't want to see it so I told myself it was my fault because I brought up the possibility that he had BPD. Guess what? He turned it around on me and told me I had it then cut me off to save himself. Huh?

Short version. We have been on and off for four years. It will be great, then out of nowhere he gets mad at one thing I say, kicks me out, and I go back to my apartment, which I always keep up just in case, and I'm heartbroken. I'm starting to get less heartbroken and more angry. Unfortunately, my sister had to cut me out of her life this way for many years, on and off, before I realized this was not normal. I followed the same pattern with fiancee.

Since fiancee can be engaging, funny, nice and is very attractive, and always turns on the charm when he knows I'm about to leave, I have never been able to do it. We have now been together for five straight months, which is a long time for us. I am ready to leave again as he is starting to have anger fits again and is drinking too much. I know he will turn on the charm then fall to his knees and beg me to stay if I start packing. I did it once when he was at work, then he came by that evening, banging on my door, threatening suicide. I was afraid he'd kill himself because of me. I would never get over that. He has tried to kill himself a few times.

I am so tired. I had to nurse my sister through anorexia and she almost died. My mother is alternately nice to me and horrible to me and she is getting dementia. I feel like I am making sure everyone in my life is ok and I have no time for myself.

This is what brought me here.
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This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Together since 2011. Married since 2013.
Posts: 215


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« Reply #1 on: March 25, 2015, 10:17:33 AM »

Aquarius:

I understand how dire your situation is, as will many other members here. I'm very glad you joined this morning.

I wish it was as easy as suggesting you bail on him. It just doesn't work that way. I liken it to being unemployed for 18 months, trying to seek help and being told "You just need to try harder." Platitudes are stupid, especially coming from people who don't know the entire situation. That's why the motivated people are seeking help. They've already tried harder, and are looking for more. (I think that was a little soapboxy.)

As first posts go, you did a nice job of succinctly writing out the major issues and how they're making you feel. You'll get feedback from people much more seasoned than myself. In the meantime, keep writing when you can. It helps.
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EaglesJuju
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 1653



« Reply #2 on: March 25, 2015, 10:47:54 AM »

Hi Aquarius22, 

Welcome.  I am so sorry that you are going through this.   It must be really difficult having a lifetime of coping with BPD behaviors.  I can relate to how incredibly stressful and frustrating it is to be surrounded by BPD with your family and significant other.

Do not be so hard on yourself, although you have experienced BPD behaviors for a great portion of your life, it is not your fault that you did not recognize them in your finance. Being surrounded by disordered people for such a long time, almost desensitizes us and disordered behavior almost becomes normative. I grew up with narcissistic/borderline parents and I did not realize my bf's pattern of behavior.

Having feelings of anger is completely normal and understandable. Much of that stems from, as you said, "Making sure everyone is your life is okay having no time for yourself." While in a relationship with a person with BPD (pwBPD) there is a tendency to put our needs and wants on a back burner. I have felt that way and kept my own feelings of anger bottled up for such a long time to please my family and bf. Eventually, those feelings of anger tend to resurface. 

I understand how you could feel exhausted from making sure that everyone in your life is okay. It really takes a lot out of you.     Have you had time to focus on yourself and your needs?

Have you tried establishing boundaries with your family and finance?  Prior to establishing boundaries, I let my family and bf treat me as a door mat. After establishing boundaries, I found that I do not allow my family and bf to treat me in that manner. Also, I have less anger. Take a look at this article. It is really helpful.

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence



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