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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: I wish I didn't miss him  (Read 657 times)
hope2727
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« on: March 25, 2015, 06:14:16 PM »

I wish I didn't mis him. I want to tell him things. Little things, big things, I just have so many things I want to tell him. I met someone today who has a family member suffering a similar illness to what my mother endured for the past 3 years. My exfianceewBPD was such a fighter for my mom and I. He stood by me and helped me fight the medical personnel, my siblings, myself.  I want to call him and thank him. I want to tell him that the good in him is not forgotten. I want to tell him he is respected and loved and missed. But I can't.

He is with my replacement enjoying his smear campaign. He is out doing all the things we loved to do with her. He is not only the good him but also the horrible abusive him. He is the man who called me horrible names, fat, old ugly and that doesn't touch the swears. He is cruel. He is dishonest. He is unfaithful. He is gone.

But I live on. I live in our home ( mine before his). I sleep in our bed. Bought together (with my money). I live in our garden where we sat by the fire. I cannot move or change much due to financial circumstance. I am stuck for now. I paint and rearrange but regardless I am stuck. I wake up from dreams of him still. Dreams where I am not good enough. Not thin enough. Not pretty enough. Iw as always enough. He was lucky to be with me because I am a wonderful person.

I miss him. All the therapy in the world doesn't make me mis him any less. I miss him.

I fear he will find this site one day and read all this. Yet I almost wish he would. Then maybe he would know how loved he is. How respected he is. But no. That is hopeless. He will only read my words and interpret them in the most negative twisted way possible. For that is the nature of his brain. I can't reach him. He is all tangled up in his own hatred in there. So all I can do is bless him and set him free to his own divine destiny.

So if I could talk to him I would say... .Where ever you are out there darling. I love you. I miss you. I wish you all the peace and happiness in the world. You were and are so loved. That is unchanged. It doesn't excuse your abuse but it makes me love you no less. Get well. Find heath. Find peace. Know you were truly loved. Know I miss you. Know everything I felt was real.
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sun seeker
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« Reply #1 on: March 25, 2015, 06:48:16 PM »

  Hey hope.

You BPDex said identical thing to me.  Fat (im not) old (im not) boring (most def not). It really blows that you are going through this. And i wished i didnt miss her sometime either. Less and less each week I  miss her. ive realized I miss the idea of her ( a healthy r/s) more than the person these days. Actions speak louder tham words. And my dexBPDgf's action have shown me a side of her i could never accept in my life. No matter how much help she received and how hard she worked on her self. To much damage done. I will forgive but i will never forget.

Goodluck in your healing hope.  Keep posting stay n/c and stay strong.
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« Reply #2 on: March 25, 2015, 07:42:00 PM »

Hope, your broken heart is breaking mine.

Please remember that when you go to sleep every night, you have all of us there with you.

Like sunseeker, while I will have a wave here and there and had one only a couple of hours ago, the betrayal was simply too much for me to accept. She is drifting away and she doesn't deserve to occupy my thoughts, PD or not. It isn't right that we should not only bare all of the load of the b/u but also allow them to invade our every thought. My ex still does, but her impact is lessening by the day. I have no idea what is happening in her life nor will I allow myself to care.

This is where you should and need to be.

One day, in the not so distant future, you will find a new man, who will worship the ground you walk on, who will see your beauty every day and be grateful that the powers that be brought you to him. He will care for you and love you with no strings attached. He will question how he got so lucky.

In order for him to find you, though, you have to heal and get better, otherwise he might not find you. 
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« Reply #3 on: March 25, 2015, 08:24:30 PM »



The love he brought was really my love for myself that was reflected off him. I too need to find that mirror and point it at myself. I feel so alone each day. Nights we would cook and go to a movie or HR or just hang out. It felt normal and easy at times. So much has changed in my life since him. I can't really romanticize my previous life too much or discount him. Quandary.

I am moving to another city and am searching for where I want to end up. My life has turned upside down as he sits in his own home and plays with my replacement. It is all ugly when I let my mind go there. 

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« Reply #4 on: March 26, 2015, 12:02:56 AM »

agreed hope, your words are heartbreaking.

first of all, i hope you know that its okay to miss this person. i understand it might feel like you "shouldnt" but you do. you have memories with them and im sure, as you describe, plenty of them are good ones.

none of that means you cant make new memories and, to some extent "replace" or fill the hole. do you have a support group outside of this forum? friends and/or family? someone you can tell these big and little things to? a number of members come here isolated so completely understandable if you dont; but i think establishing that or making good use of whats available should be a goal. regardless, you do have this forum and its members Smiling (click to insert in post)

youre right that it doesnt help to live in the same place with those memories and i understand the financial situation. frankly speaking though, memories and associations fade, and over time, some of those will, at least to the point that they arent painful. you may know already that the bad dreams are common for people coming out of these relationships. they arent fun. they can amplify a lot of these feelings throughout your day. but they too, will pass.

you might try the sort of exercise you did at the bottom there, and write these things to him (without sending). if you want to tell him the little and big things, you can with that method.

hang in there hope. im impressed with your sense of resolve in the face of all of this. consider it a blessing  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
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« Reply #5 on: March 28, 2015, 05:58:43 PM »

So went on a date. It was not fun. It was not easy. It was dreadful. I have a headache from being nice to him. I don't really like people that much. I miss my ex. Its totally stupid. I want to like other people but I work wight the public all day and most of them are just exhausting.

My first date with the ex the staff were guessing what anniversary we were celebrating. Its was a first date. We talked and laughed and had fun. I didn't want it to end. We talked from 3 in the afternoon til 7 the following morning.

These dates are lovely men I have zero interest in. He is all happy with my replacement and I'd rather just get a dog and call it done. I feel doomed. Ugg. Someone please tell me this gets better. I can't stand missing him and I can't stand being with him. More importantly he doesn't want to be with me. So what is a girl to do? Start buying cats I guess.
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« Reply #6 on: March 28, 2015, 08:33:20 PM »

Hope... .your post about what you would say if you could... .made me break down and sob.  Your situation sounds identical to mine... .everything you wrote both good and bad--I could have written. Everything you would like to say to him... .I almost took your words and sent them to my BPDex... .

But I didn't... .for all of the reasons I've learned on this forum. I just wanted to let you know I am right where you are... .my heart breaks for you. But we have to keep going and stay strong and not SETTLE for the crap just because there were good times.

Great post... .Very genuine.
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« Reply #7 on: March 29, 2015, 11:58:00 AM »

Tears welling up... .

Feeling your pain my friend. I am on the dock but not in the same boat yet. She is still in my home and papers need to be filed. Sometimes I look at her and my heart just bleeds. I want to hold her tight and tell her how much I am going to miss her. Functioning is really hard now.
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« Reply #8 on: March 29, 2015, 04:40:18 PM »

Woodstock

Thank you for the response. I really am trying to  move on but I really miss the man I love. He is trapped inside his own madness and I am unable to save him. I can barely save myself.

Micheal71

I am so sorry you are suffering. I can't imagine. I miss my be loved and would give so much for him to be here getting well. But he isn't interested. He wants only to run away and project all his bad feelings onto me. ITs all my fault you know. Hopefully once you get some physical space away from your pwBPD you will start to find slivers of peace. Thats what I look for slivers of peace.

Today I ate a piece of cheese cake that was half frozen and totally delicious. I am 30 pounds overweight and totally out of shape but its was a totally blissful moment of peace and joy. Now I am going to clean up a dog barf. Less joyous but I will manage. Slivers of peace. That is the best I can hope for e at this point. I will wish them for you too.

Hugs.

On that note I had 2 dates who will not leave me alone now. I don't like either of them enough to see again. Nothing against them I am just not that into them. They therefore must be totally mentally sound. Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). I am going togo and think some positive thoughts for my ex. He is the one who has the longest journey to recovery. I can't even imagine how hard it must be for him. So I am going to go send him some prayers and then eat some more cheese cake. hugs all
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« Reply #9 on: March 29, 2015, 05:00:11 PM »

Hang in there Hope. I am six months out of the relationship. I had been doing fine but this last week has been tough. Like you I miss my ex terribly. I have been replaced. She is off living her happy life and mine seems to have stalled this week. We are usually on vacation this week with the kids. Maybe that's why I am down. I am in a new spot vacationing but I miss my family. But I realize they are no longer mine. She has moved someone else into that spot. And that hurts  

This week I have struggled the most with trying to come to grips with the fact that I was nothing more than a replacement. Man that hurts.

Stay strong.
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« Reply #10 on: March 29, 2015, 06:04:58 PM »

So went on a date. It was not fun. It was not easy. It was dreadful. I have a headache from being nice to him. I don't really like people that much. I miss my ex. Its totally stupid. I want to like other people but I work wight the public all day and most of them are just exhausting.

My first date with the ex the staff were guessing what anniversary we were celebrating. Its was a first date. We talked and laughed and had fun. I didn't want it to end. We talked from 3 in the afternoon til 7 the following morning.

These dates are lovely men I have zero interest in. He is all happy with my replacement and I'd rather just get a dog and call it done. I feel doomed. Ugg. Someone please tell me this gets better. I can't stand missing him and I can't stand being with him. More importantly he doesn't want to be with me. So what is a girl to do? Start buying cats I guess.

Hope, it sounds like   you and I are in the same  boat.  I've been out a few times but these new dates can't hold a candle to my first date with my exBPDbf. I have never felt such an intense connection with a man; it was like a thunderbolt. It was like a connection  of two old souls. With the dates I've  been on it's been a self-esteem boost since my ex was rejecting me sexually  near the end of our r/s. In a way, I look at the dates as healing. They've  shown me that I'm still a desirable, sexy woman. I've got a bit of my mojo back. There's no denying that the first date felt weird, I was comparing it to 'our' first date, but they get easier.

Mine is engaged  to my replacement   (a whopping 6 weeks after our b/u), but I know he isn't  happy; his appearance , expression , etc. tell me he isnt. So don't  be so sure that your ex is happy, because  he probably  isnt. Remember, the world  inside his head is torture. Plus, if what you're  seeing  of him is on FB it's most likely  total bs. FB is a selectively  curated and carefully  presented  fiction.

I'm  sorry that this sucks so much. I know the feeling ,  like 'if he could just deal  with his issues we could  be happy together' or 'maybe he'll  realize  he has a problem  and want to be together  again'. You will be ok. This is not a  linear  healing process ; some days will be ok, some great and some truly awful. But you are strong. 
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« Reply #11 on: March 29, 2015, 06:10:19 PM »

Hope

You are a very big person and I admire you. I miss my ex terribly and don't know if I will ever find someone else or at least at this time I don't feel I will. I can't say I wish my ex all the best because I don't. He has destroyed my life and yet he is smiling and happy living the good life with my replacement. I know very well who he really is because he has cheated on her 2 times with me so I know I could never trust him. I can't wait for the day he tries to come back to me and I get to tell him to f off. I'm a little angry today because I'm tired of being hurt. We have all had tuff times growing up in our life and I'm tired of giving him a pass because his parents were crappie parents.  Where was our pass?
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« Reply #12 on: March 29, 2015, 06:47:52 PM »

Where ever you are out there darling. I love you. I miss you. I wish you all the peace and happiness in the world. You were and are so loved. That is unchanged. It doesn't excuse your abuse but it makes me love you no less. Get well. Find heath. Find peace. Know you were truly loved. Know I miss you. Know everything I felt was real.

^^I hope you realize that the person you actually wish and feel all this for is actually you  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)



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« Reply #13 on: March 30, 2015, 03:56:36 PM »

Hope... .I actually took your words and put them into a text... .private message me if you want to know the outcome. Cause you may or you may not want to know. I literally typed your words in a text... .couldn't resist it... .
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« Reply #14 on: March 31, 2015, 04:35:50 PM »

I can relate to the date scenario - bored to tears with other nons and then fireworks with BPD date... .this is why it's unhealthy... .it is too intense too quickly - the attraction stops us from seeing the red flags (or makes us ignore them). 
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hope2727
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« Reply #15 on: March 31, 2015, 07:45:54 PM »

Well whenever I think I am ok the pain sneaks up on me.  :'(

Today is our first big rainstorm of the season. I love rain. Seriously I totally love rain. We used to go walking in the rain under a big umbrella after supper.

Now I am curled up inside watching it from inside the house. I just can't bear to go under our umbrella and walk.

I know he is somewhere with my replacement. I am hurt and angry. I am alone. I am lost. I am sad.

I have had a favourite quote since childhood. I will share it with all of you here.

"I love the rain. No one can see you dying in the rain." - Mork
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« Reply #16 on: March 31, 2015, 09:16:26 PM »

Hope

I felt exactly the same way my first snow storm and the first nice day. I can't wait to the nice weather but I am also afraid of it. As angry as I was your words stuck with me and on Monday I texted my ex to check on him and his son. He responded right away and said he would text me during lunch. He didn't and I was hurt all day and don't understand why he even answered me if he didn't want to talk to me. Today I expected him to text or call but nothing. I really am ok with it today still a little hurt but ok
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« Reply #17 on: March 31, 2015, 10:33:38 PM »

Thanks for voicing how I feel. I too do not like the sunshine. The summer is coming and it use to be fun... .
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« Reply #18 on: March 31, 2015, 11:25:09 PM »

Well whenever I think I am ok the pain sneaks up on me.  :'(

Today is our first big rainstorm of the season. I love rain. Seriously I totally love rain. We used to go walking in the rain under a big umbrella after supper.

Now I am curled up inside watching it from inside the house. I just can't bear to go under our umbrella and walk.

I know he is somewhere with my replacement. I am hurt and angry. I am alone. I am lost. I am sad.

I have had a favourite quote since childhood. I will share it with all of you here.

"I love the rain. No one can see you dying in the rain." - Mork

ARUGH! The quote is supposed to read "no on can see you crying in the rain"

Stupid fingers. Sorry folks.

I sure wish there was a way to reach him and let him FEEL how loved he is. Stupid I know.
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« Reply #19 on: April 01, 2015, 12:02:53 AM »

Many of the respondents here have already expressed their extreme care and hope for you. I want to echo that.

Here is how I operate, I do not know whether my approach will help you heal or not. I am a logical thinker. Even though I myself obviously have experienced serious emotional swings during this trauma.

He is with my replacement enjoying his smear campaign.

There is no way for you to get inside of his head and see whether he is "enjoying" anything. Truly, none of us can do that. In all honesty, he has a disorder characterized by extreme shame. He probably enjoys this whole ordeal little although they like to project that to us to hurt us. I do this same thing, I wonder, how can she go on like this happy while I suffer? Pure Projection, hope. We are projecting thoughts onto them without any basis for doing so. He is likely suffering a lot more than you think.

He is out doing all the things we loved to do with her.

Again, you have no idea if doing these things with her brings him enjoyment. It might actually be his way of connecting back with you. You just have no idea how these things affect him. Do not project onto him that he his happy. He is disordered. He is not happy. And you wanna know what? He knows he isn't happy most of the time. And he has no idea why.

He is all tangled up in his own hatred in there.

Again, but opposite sort of projection: You can not assume he is in hatred either. BPD, from what I've researched, is a condition of shame. You want to know what he really feels? I'll tell you. He is ashamed and he runs from his responsibilities. Shame vs. Guilt. He may very well know he hurt you greatly and probably (more than likely) feels great shame for it. But he does not intend to fix it. That's would be guilt. And BPD is characterized by shame


So all I can do is bless him and set him free to his own divine destiny.


It's all up to you hope. I still run in circles a lot. And there's nothing wrong with that. If you believe it's time to detach and let him go, than alright. But it's up to you. If you'd like to remain attached, we'll still be here for you.


Hope that I helped some,


Reece
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« Reply #20 on: April 01, 2015, 12:32:29 AM »

So if I could talk to him I would say... .Where ever you are out there darling. I love you. I miss you. I wish you all the peace and happiness in the world. You were and are so loved. That is unchanged. It doesn't excuse your abuse but it makes me love you no less. Get well. Find heath. Find peace. Know you were truly loved. Know I miss you. Know everything I felt was real.

Hi hope2727.  You sure know how to choke a guy up and bring him to tears.  Your post is the first post that has moved me to such an emotional state.  

You are obviously a class act that knows the true meaning of unconditional love, regardless of the other persons behavior.  Love is a choice, not a feeling.  I just wish that mine could grasp my unconditional love towards her and value me in the same manner that I do her.
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« Reply #21 on: April 01, 2015, 06:19:22 AM »

Hi hope 

I miss her as well its been six months and it feels like I saw her just yesterday what stings the most is the fact I could have got her back if I acted fast enough but I was angry at what she did and how she did it .

I also didn't know the issues I was dealing with both with my self and her it was only after I went into therapy ... .

Hindsight a wonderful thing but it does me no good

Maybe what my T said to me will help you and thats "you loved in her what you projected in you are not wanting her you are wanting to find a way to love yourself "

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« Reply #22 on: April 01, 2015, 07:54:54 AM »

Thank you everyone. I know you all are right. I just can't help how I feel. I thought the feelings would be gone by now. Therapy, chocolate, wine, dog hugs nothing seems to erase the stain on my soul. I have to race out the door but I wanted to thank all of you for writing. I find the contact very comforting. Knowing I wasn't nuts really does help. It felt like my fault. It felt like I was the bad guy.

My best friend even went with my ex and told me I was mean and a horrible liar and just drop people when I am mad at them. None of this is true of course but the smear campaign was really effective. Its ok. I miss my friend too but he is SOO code pendant and has no boundaries at all. He is the king of enablers and I can't bear to watch him marry his partner as its such an abusive relationship. So best to just step back and follow the not my circus not my monkeys policy. My friend I an do without but my ex I really still miss.

I woke up sobbing again today. The dreams were gone for awhile but they seem to be back. I still feel him suffering out there and I hate that he hurts. I hate that we are both out here hurting and can't reach out for one another. I am watching a big wind storm blow through and all I can think is he wasn't good for me, he wasn't reciprocal, he was a jerk. 

But I miss him. I miss his eyes and smile and laugh and arms. I miss my friend, lover, partner. I want to reach inside his heart and shake him until he gets the help he needs. But all I can do is just struggle on alone and pray for peace for us both.

Thanks again guys. Hugs.
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« Reply #23 on: April 07, 2015, 08:30:26 PM »

I miss her. I shouldn't but I do. I am 6 months out... .we've been on and off n/c up until About a week ago. There were a few times she made me feel like she was coming home but at the end of the day I realize, she was just fishing for some comapssion. My ex was never abusive while we were together. Perhaps I should clarify, she never threw stones or lashed out. She took advantage of my kindness and played on my emotions. In fact, since we've broken up... .she has continued to do that. I know I deserve better, I know she doesn't love me like I love her, and yet... .I still find myself staring at the empty side of the bed. I can't imagine dating or opening up to someone new. She decided to tell me last week she is dating after I specifically requested her not to. since then... .n/c. I can't make my brain stop. I hear your heart though and it isn't alone.
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« Reply #24 on: April 07, 2015, 08:52:52 PM »

I miss her. I shouldn't but I do. I am 6 months out... .we've been on and off n/c up until About a week ago. There were a few times she made me feel like she was coming home but at the end of the day I realize, she was just fishing for some comapssion. My ex was never abusive while we were together. Perhaps I should clarify, she never threw stones or lashed out. She took advantage of my kindness and played on my emotions. In fact, since we've broken up... .she has continued to do that. I know I deserve better, I know she doesn't love me like I love her, and yet... .I still find myself staring at the empty side of the bed. I can't imagine dating or opening up to someone new. She decided to tell me last week she is dating after I specifically requested her not to. since then... .n/c. I can't make my brain stop. I hear your heart though and it isn't alone.

I am so sorry you are enduring this. Yes I recognize the dance of words that makes you think they are coming home. Mine strung me along for a year. I believed in him and he just led me along. I still wake up reaching for him in the middle of the night. I still wake up crying. Its his birthday in 2 days and I just can't imagine not spending it with him but I won't be. In truth he didn't want to spend it with me last year either. He picked a fight and broke up with me a few days before so he could go out with his friends without me. Then he called crying a few days after axing why I hadn't called him. It was absurd.

And yet he was who I loved. I suspect I always will. I don't date much. I meet few or no men I really care for. I refuse to try and build a relationship with someone I don't really have much interest in. He was the first man in 10 years I really wanted to build a life with. So giving him up is a terrible feeling. However I refuse to endure any more rages, broken promises, lies, flirting, affairs, financial disasters, put downs and what ever else he came up with. I miss the man I feel in love with not the man I broke up with. Although in truth I miss him too. I just don't miss his choices of behaviour. I wonder how long until he devalues the new girl? os far he is still posting his happy life on FB. I don't look but friends sometimes let things slip.
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« Reply #25 on: April 07, 2015, 09:44:35 PM »

I miss her. I shouldn't but I do. I am 6 months out... .we've been on and off n/c up until About a week ago. There were a few times she made me feel like she was coming home but at the end of the day I realize, she was just fishing for some comapssion. My ex was never abusive while we were together. Perhaps I should clarify, she never threw stones or lashed out. She took advantage of my kindness and played on my emotions. In fact, since we've broken up... .she has continued to do that. I know I deserve better, I know she doesn't love me like I love her, and yet... .I still find myself staring at the empty side of the bed. I can't imagine dating or opening up to someone new. She decided to tell me last week she is dating after I specifically requested her not to. since then... .n/c. I can't make my brain stop. I hear your heart though and it isn't alone.

I am so sorry you are enduring this. Yes I recognize the dance of words that makes you think they are coming home. Mine strung me along for a year. I believed in him and he just led me along. I still wake up reaching for him in the middle of the night. I still wake up crying. Its his birthday in 2 days and I just can't imagine not spending it with him but I won't be. In truth he didn't want to spend it with me last year either. He picked a fight and broke up with me a few days before so he could go out with his friends without me. Then he called crying a few days after axing why I hadn't called him. It was absurd.

And yet he was who I loved. I suspect I always will. I don't date much. I meet few or no men I really care for. I refuse to try and build a relationship with someone I don't really have much interest in. He was the first man in 10 years I really wanted to build a life with. So giving him up is a terrible feeling. However I refuse to endure any more rages, broken promises, lies, flirting, affairs, financial disasters, put downs and what ever else he came up with. I miss the man I feel in love with not the man I broke up with. Although in truth I miss him too. I just don't miss his choices of behaviour. I wonder how long until he devalues the new girl? os far he is still posting his happy life on FB. I don't look but friends sometimes let things slip.

My ex bailed 5 days before our 3 yr anni. She said... .don't worry I have something special planned for us! I figured we'd Skype or watch a movie while on the fone. She didn't call or anything Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). She said she was exhausted from the drive up there. hindsight is always 20/20. The signs were there, I just thought I could defy them. I feel like we view things similarly. I guess it's bc we care so deeply. I guess in part I get jealous of my replacement bc I gave so much. I know she is probably idolizing her atm and things will be smooth for awhile. Not my business I'm just pouting. I gave so much and was replaced within months yet shes glorified? Bleh. I haven't hit the anger stage yet and I duno if I will. I'm just bitter and sad. I feel like I'd I don't get angry I won't be able to let this go and honestly, I just want it to stop. I know I hold the key to that but ahhhhhhh. Frustrating.
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hope2727
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #26 on: April 12, 2015, 07:43:13 PM »

I had to re-read this thread today. I miss him so much. Today is a special day for us in a small but somehow relevant way. I burst into tears on the way to work. I cried when I got back home. I made dinner and all I could think was that I wanted to share it with him.

A friend cleaned my whole yard up yesterday. It looks amazing. I couldn't even hardly move I was in so much pain from work. But my friend raked, trimmed trees, cleaned dog poo and put all the patio furniture out for the season. The yard looks amazing. My ex and I spend thousands of hours in the yard sitting by the fire. I so want him to be here tonight sipping wine by the fire. But he is not. So I came here to write to al lot you who I know will understand. Forgive my sadness. I just can't seem to get through the end of this last bit of grieving.

So this is what I would write to him tonight if I thought he could understand.

Beloved. I miss you. I am yours and you are mine. Come sit on the red leather sofa and bare your soul and whatever ails you we will fix it together. For you are not alone my darling. You never were and you never will be.

You are not ok. You are not ok. I am with you even when I am not. I am there beside you holding your hand and laughing on the ice when we fall together trying to help one another up. You are not alone. For as long as I draw breathe you will never be alone. I have to let you go. I have to move one without you. In truth I already have. But no matter what comes you are not alone.  We are the stain on one another's souls that tint the way we see the world. You are not ok my love, but you are not alone.

Soon the day will come that I will have to write my final letter to you and leave you behind me. But the stain on my soul makes me a better person my darling. I have learned so much from you. I miss learning with you. I wanted to spend my life with you learning and growing. I hope the stain I left on your soul helps you to live a better and bigger life than you might otherwise have. You are such a talented and amazing person. Never settle for less than everything my darling. You are so loved my dear.



Thank you guys for allowing me a safe place to express my pain and sorrow. No one else understands. I wish someone could call him up and tell him to get his head out of his butt and come home. Hopeless I know.
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« Reply #27 on: April 13, 2015, 06:18:42 PM »

Oh Hope, I can relate to you so much.  I feel the same way.  I miss him every day.  He is such a beautiful person underneath this disorder.  But that is so contradictory to the way he treats me.  I feel sorry for him.  I could have written the last part of your first post and it made me cry.  Just keep moving forward day by day.  Eventually we will get through this!  big hugs!
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