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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: NC while co-parenting?  (Read 451 times)
Their Dad

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« on: March 26, 2015, 12:21:39 AM »

Hello,

I am seeking suggestions and support for NC while co-parenting.  I have been told to stop speaking with my uBPDstbxw.  We are using Family Wizard which she blows up daily with several messages.  Last weekend she sent 20 messages.  I am now almost two weeks in with no voice to voice contact and she accusess me of disengaged parenting and not working with her.  I am having a difficult time with what she had done to our family and splitting me and painting me black.  Not talking with her has helped but it also very hard at the same time.  Has anyone been here?
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suffering_parent
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« Reply #1 on: March 26, 2015, 11:28:28 AM »

It's hard at first, but you have to keep all responses simple with no emotion involved.   Only respond to things that are necessary to coparent.   Ignore everything else.

It should get easier over time.   My ex has never stopped blowing up my inbox even though I ignore 99% of it.    It seems to come in waves when they are struggling.
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momtara
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« Reply #2 on: March 26, 2015, 12:42:25 PM »

Yeah, all you can do is set boundaries and don't engage, unless you fear a child is sick or hurt.
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ImaFita

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« Reply #3 on: March 26, 2015, 10:41:53 PM »

Hello,

I am seeking suggestions and support for NC while co-parenting.  I have been told to stop speaking with my uBPDstbxw.  We are using Family Wizard which she blows up daily with several messages.  Last weekend she sent 20 messages.  I am now almost two weeks in with no voice to voice contact and she accusess me of disengaged parenting and not working with her.  I am having a difficult time with what she had done to our family and splitting me and painting me black.  Not talking with her has helped but it also very hard at the same time.  Has anyone been here?

If you've been told to stop speaking to her, then I'd stick to that. I NC my son's Mum, she called it neglect, etc.

I was in a similar position where I simply did not want to speak to this person - I hated her, I was angry, I didn't want to deal with her at all. I didn't see why I should have to either, she was so toxic and destructive that I feared she'd get me locked up if I simply disagreed with her. So, I have had her on NC for 5 years, nothing has changed, I simply will not deal with this person, the system can try paint me black - on her advice, I now have them on NC.

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livednlearned
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« Reply #4 on: March 27, 2015, 08:15:22 AM »

Hi Their Dad,

Boundaries are really important when dealing with someone who suffers from BPD. Consistent boundaries, strong boundaries -- they are the only thing that works. Since we can't cut all contact when kids are involved, choose the least abusive form of communication and stick to that. After I left, the only time I spoke to my ex was for 2 minutes after our deposition. Everything else was by email. I decided that if he could be civil in email, I would allow voice contact. He never learned to be civil in emails. During the 4 years of active custody battles, he sent in the ball park of ten thousand emails. Many of them were one liners that just said "whore" or something else that didn't require a response. I did not respond to emails that were rants or plain abusive. If he asked me a civil question, I responded. I focused on reinforcing his positive behavior.

After a while, his nasty grams had no effect on me. His feelings are about how he feels about himself. Because he does not have healthy ways to cope with his negative feelings, he projects those feelings externally onto me. It's my choice whether to take those feelings in, and I no longer choose to do this.

There is a good book by Patricia Evans about dealing with verbal abuse. I learned some good phrases from that book, especially useful during the marriage. No one should have to endure abuse, and you will find many people who believe it's your right to protect yourself from abuse, whether it's the mother of your children or someone else.

It's a process, and it takes time and practice.
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Breathe.
Panda39
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Relationship status: SO and I have been together 9 years and have just moved in together this summer.
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« Reply #5 on: March 27, 2015, 11:30:26 AM »

Email Only

Respond to legitimate items regarding the the kids Only... .Short and polite and as Joe Friday used to say on Dragnet "Just the facts"

Ignore all the other garbage, accusations, verbal abuse... .she is only using that to engage you... .Don't

(I know easier said than done... .maybe imagine an invisible force field around you that doesn't let the junk through... .I know now I sound weird  Smiling (click to insert in post)  but sometimes some mental imagery can help)

Save the emails as documentation they show a pattern of behavior that you might need later

It also sounds like you could be experiencing an Extinction Burst because you have changed your behavior and have created boundaries. (This is good... .keep enforcing your boundaries)  You are not responding the way you always have thus the massive blow up of email messages.  Here is a link on Extinction Bursts https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

If you keep your boundaries and only respond as mentioned above, eventually she will figure out that having an email tantrum isn't getting her anywhere and it will die down. (This doesn't garantee she won't try something else unfortunately  )
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"Have you ever looked fear in the face and just said, I just don't care" -Pink
david
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« Reply #6 on: March 27, 2015, 07:32:49 PM »

I used to get 40 to 50 emails a month mostly telling me what is wrong with me, I am abusive, I am a bad parent, blah blah blah. I learned to ignore all the anger and only answer things pertaining to our boys. That lasted for around 4 years. I now get around 15 to 20 emails. I consider that progress. I still am told what is wrong with me. I haven't spoken to her in over three years unless we are in court or court ordered counseling. In counseling I stayed focused on our boys and stayed away from the accusations except to say they were not true. I offered proof if the counselor wanted it but he didn't think it was needed.
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Mutt
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« Reply #7 on: March 28, 2015, 12:20:52 AM »

Twenty messages over a weekend sounds like a bit much it could be extinction bursts as Panda39 says.

I still get messages were she tries to bait and don't bother responding to these types of emails. I respond to what the core message is and kids only and let all of the secondary nonsense to the wayside. She may ask the same question often and I don't justify attack explain or defend ( JADE ) and say things once.

Often I respond in one or two sentences, sometimes in a few words and in wisemind.  It can be challenging with the accusations and emotional immaturity when your in the thick of it as it sounds like your in now.

The pay-off is the inappropriate amounts of messages will eventually dissipate. I recall getting absurd amount of emails much ado about nothing. For a period she was going through a series of extinction bursts and essentially they were tantrums and I ignored it. This shall pass.

Hang in there.

----Mutt
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"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
newlifeBPDfree
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« Reply #8 on: March 31, 2015, 02:46:30 PM »

I am going through the same thing. I would love nothing more than go NC with my ex. He is making my everyday life absolute hell and uses any excuse to communicate about our kids to sneak in attacks. I recently sent him an email regarding speing break. Instead of a response related to my question I received 12 emails telling me what's wrong with me and what he thinks about me. Every single inquiry to him is like that. I would love to not talk to him ever again.

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catclaw
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« Reply #9 on: April 01, 2015, 05:53:43 AM »

Hang in there, the stuff you have in written form is so important... As everyone else already stated: If you have to answer, leave away the emotions. Try to be friendly but determined. Set boundaries. Don't react to emotional abuse and offense. Just the information. That worked pretty well for us for a while. When DH asked questions via E-Mail she would come up with something else to avoid answering. DH started copy/pasting the unanswered questions under the next mail - stating that "maybe you accidently oversaw the question concerning SS' bike that he asked for in the last E-Mail. He would like you to bring his bike the next time, would you please do so?". After weeks of avoiding to answer we found out that she had sold it the day SS moved in with us. Just hang in there. Especially if you have questions/ information you need him to answer/ give his Ok to.

We were told by social services NOT to reply to Whatsapp/ SMS, phone calls and personally to any of her demands EVER (except for emergencies, which we kind of have a different definition of... ). The only thing that works out is E-Mail, as it's the only thing courts rely on as evidence (if we ever have to go there).

BPDm never replies to E-Mails claiming that either her inbox doesn't work or that she sent an E-Mail but it never came through or that she just doesn't have the time to write an E-Mail. Latest info is that she does't have an Internet access. DH insits on her writing E-Mails but I guess she just doesn't want to leave evidence on her demands.

Any suggestions on that one?
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david
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« Reply #10 on: April 01, 2015, 07:32:20 AM »

I sent ex an email about a year ago asking something about our boys. She didn't reply. I sent an email two days later asking the same thing. She sent an email about an hour later telling me her email wasn't working and that I needed to call her if I wanted to communicate with her. I didn't call and her email started working again the next day.
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newlifeBPDfree
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« Reply #11 on: April 01, 2015, 10:03:49 AM »

I sent ex an email about a year ago asking something about our boys. She didn't reply. I sent an email two days later asking the same thing. She sent an email about an hour later telling me her email wasn't working and that I needed to call her if I wanted to communicate with her. I didn't call and her email started working again the next day.

I had the same thing happened to me. He said his text messages are not working so I needed to call him. When I called he forgot the matter at hand and started going off on me and treating me as a punching bag. I won't answer his calls anymore. Everything needs to be in writing.
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bravhart1
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« Reply #12 on: April 01, 2015, 11:02:54 AM »

Once therapists read some of the emails uBPDm was sending and asked her to make them "more business like" she tried to say she had no access and would only be avail by phone.

It was suggested to her that she did indeed have access at work, for which she countered with "well I'm not dealing with this stuff at work". Then it was suggested she visit the local library where she would have free access to email and an email account after work, (Baby steps) and suddenly her email and internet access was miraculously restored.

Don't let them pull the rug out on email. We are no contact  (email only) except for "critical" information sharing, and I do mean critical, like three times a year we will respond by email. Other than that, it's through attorney, or therapist.  Or the judge of course. Having direct contact was making our quality of life un bearable.

This does not stop the emails she sends weekly to let us know that she is still the mother of the year, and that we are unloving pukes. Those just get filed away to be used at a later time.
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