Struggling with making sense of it all

[IamME33]

  2 year ago my 100% dream girl landed in my lap. Most Beautiful, intelligent and fun woman I have ever met. I quickly fell for her, despite some small speedbumps. From the start, she was extremely insecure. Not of herself or her image, but of me. Constantly concerned about who i was texting, who i was speaking to, if "i had sex with her" after every female she met. After a lot of these instances, she explained to me that in the past she had boyfriends who had cheated and were mildly abusive, and that is what made her like that. I responded with the fact that I was going to be the one that showed her that there are good men in this world that will love and protect and honor a woman, and assured her that i would be that person. AND I MEANT IT.

  As time went on I fell deeper and deeper in love with her, despite the problems continuing and maybe multiplying. I had never even come close to feeling this way for anyone. The smallest things would ruin nights out, such a me not putting my arm around her at dinner, or me talking to a long time friend for a minute at the bar. It went as far a me telling a long term friend (a girl) that i wanted to marry my girlfriend infront of many many people (in hopes of gaining her belief). The night was ruined when we left and I was yelled at for talking to that girl. It boggled my mind.

A few months in my gf requested that she moved in with me to my single family home. I was so in love but knew that was a quick move, so I tried to shy away. We argued for weeks over it, as she claimed "i didnt love her, clearly!" and if i let her move in "she would be the happiest girl in the world!" Naturally, all i wanted was for her to be happy, and if she promised me that that was all it took? I was all in! sure, move in. The next day she moved in, and nothing changed. Random texts during the day over nothing would blow up into week long fights. Fights that i described to her mother as "it seemed as if she was looking through me, like she was possessed." The most rational arguments would last days, until i would eventually cave just to get some peace back in my life.

She would ask me to stay home with her when she knew i had plans with my friends, and claim i didnt love her. She would demand i drive to her work (30 minutes away) to show i love her. I did once, but knew it was absolutely ridiculous.

Eventually I couldnt take it anymore, after multiple failed vacations, failed dinners, failed birthdays and holidays, I gave up and asked her to leave. It was very difficult, because when things were good between us I was in heaven. Unfortunately, that was about 50% of the time, maybe.

We went our separate way for 6 months or so dating other people, but she would reach of frequently asking to hang out or for me to come back. Although i was dating other people I always found myself thinking of her and yearning for her. Eventually we agreed to try to make it work.

The day we met to try to make it work, after not seeing each other for 4 months, she demanded I post a picture of us online exclaiming my love for her. I found this odd, because wouldnt someone want to make sure its going to work before going public? I refused to until she proved to me we could be stable. For the next month, rage filled texts and manipulative statements were made over the photo. She would call me manipulative and a monster. Her family thinks I am a "sociopath," and essentially, I have become "the boyfriends of before."

We somehow settled the dust and i agreed to take her away to the islands to fall back in love and rekindle everything, I spent a lot of money to make the most romantic get away and to put a smile of her face. The second night of a 5 night get away, she started crying while walking the beach and told me I didnt think she was beautiful (I had told her twice that day). I was astonished that after all this work i had done that she still wanted to ruin a perfect setting, i was deflated and disaapointed. She held this argument for 4 nights straight, flushing the vaca and $5k down the drain.

She would constantly remind me of how great the guy she was seeing during out separation was, which would bring me to my knees, because in my opinion i couldnt try any harder than i was. She was posting photos of herself at the hotel the beach etc (which i paid for) without mentioning me, and had no remorse.

It took her 3.5 weeks to apologize for ruining the trip, and im not sure she even believes she did.

2 weekends ago she called me 32 times straight one afternoon while i was at a function. she was supposed to meet up afterwards, but after that episode i told her i needed to be alone for the night. Her response was dont ever speak to me again, you are small, you are a coward, i hate you, etc.

The next morning she called me hysterically crying begging for me to come over and hold her and be with her and that she loved me. Its like a switch, i dont know which girl im getting and when i am going to get her.


I have always been an easy going guy that has always chose not to worry and that things will always work out, however I have been stressing, anxious, nervous over this whole situation for months now. I chose to seek counseling and after 9 sessions my counselor hinted at BPD. I have done research and have found so many striking similarities with others, although no self harm/no permiscuous activity. 1 mentioning of "kill myself" in 2 years. Her family thinks I am the evil one, but i swear to God I am just a normal kid, with great intentions that i obsessed over putting a smile on this girls face. I have even said if one of my friends were in my situation, that i would sit them down and advise them that they deserve so much better, but i cant help the strong feeling in my heart for her.

I saw a post earlier that someone mentioned they were dating a girl based on "her potential," and i feel like i have done the same. I have seen how beautiful this can all be, and im just holding on to hope that one day she will realize i am GOOD.

Last week she ended things with 6 extremely nasty explicit rude emails. But i dont let them affect me, because i know she doesnt feel these things. since then, she emailed me apologizing but still leaving and then this morning asked me to go away with her. I havent responded in 8 days.

I am losing my mind, because I have never loved a girl so much. But i realize it shouldnt be this difficult... .

Please help, advise, ask questions. I am emotionally drained.

Thank you

[Copperfox]

Welcome to bpdfamily.  Seems like a difficult situation, I totally understand.  Been there myself.

Sounds like she has a repeated pattern of behavior, pulling you closer, only to sabotage any intimate moments between you.  Sounds like this has been going on for years as well, right?  I guess my questions for you are: do you think that sort of behavior pattern is conducive to a long-term, sustainable relationship?  Will it enhance your life, or undercut it?  Are you helping her by staying involved with her, allowing her to repeat the patterns, or is there another path?

[Nevergiveuponhope]

First off , Hi... I'm sure now your here, you will get some good support and advice whilst your searching for answers to it all... .I know I feel as you do with your title of 'struggling to make sense of it all' ... You do feel like your just frozen at times whilst the world around you carries on! ... I'm left feeling quite empty as all I was doing was simply trying to love a man! ... Yet everything I did seemed wrong or was questioned... .So much so you become emotionally drained. ... .

I think there are some deeper issues maybe relating to her past? Trauma of any kind ? Childhood upbringing... Abandonment etc... . I am learning more and more on BPD / NPD / PTSD ETC ... .And what brings these impulsive traits to the surface... Why they devalue ... Idealise ... Paranoia of so many insecure fears they have... Etc... Pull - push ... Love - hate ... .this Jekyll & Hyde persona  It leaves you absolutely baffled and incredibly hurt.  

The fix is how compatible you feel at the beginning with this person... The feeling of WOW! this person is THE ONE! so to speak... The connection... The intense feelings... And the love you had never known before it... !  

It seems you are a decent guy who has been trying to SHOW her in many ways how much you loved her... Yet it was not appreciated nor reciprocated without conflict... .

I feel people pleasers and good hearted souls are always the ones falling victim to this kind of relationship trauma! We just want simplicity and love to be easy going and no hassles along the way! Now I'm not saying a perfect relationship by any means is without an argue or rant along the way... That's normal! ... But this treatment and draining your your emotions is far from right... I'm no saint, and I have insecure issues from my past childhood trauma... But I really did just try to love this guy! Still do! ... .Nobody gets it... How your ' hooked ' almost to now breaking point... .the yearning for ... ! I can SOO relate to! ... But believe me... .Your not alone with your feelings here. ... You say I've never loved a girl so much ... I say,  I've never loved this man I met so much ... .Yet to them ? We are the worlds worst? ... We can do not right for doing wrong! We are SO wrongly accused/ insulted ... Let alone the name calling! ... .It leaves you in shock mode at times! ... .

But hey... We learn ... and I see that his past childhood trauma has given him this very paranoid sick mind ... As well as my own ... I'm not throwing stones here! I will own up to insight being a wonderful thing to learn more about yourself and how we view our actions etc... But I was noway like how I was portrayed by him... . I simply thought I'd found a decent guy who could just love and us simply go through life together with... .Except I'm seeing a very different person just now... The rage and words in anger you see makes you question their love for you they said they had ? so strong at the beginning too?    love bombing!

Look deeper beneath what's really behind this girl... Is she holding onto a lot of deeper rooted hurt... Has nobody took time to delve into her past to see? Has she been hurt and keeps this to herself... .she seems very unstable at certain times ... Then full on love on other occasions... What gives ? ... ONLY you can understand this...  I stayed for 5 years hoping he would see that I loved him... But in that 5 years was subjected to quite a lot of his minds thoughts instead of reality... Sad thing is, he believes them to be true! And THIS is the draining process... .!

So I'm at the stage your at... Confused. Left deeply hurt!  about 5 weeks my world was turned upside down with the discard... .And your right , it shouldn't be this difficult... It's like we're waiting for a miracle for them to all of a sudden SEE and realise ... For them to contact and say , hey, I've been an utter *#*#... .And I'm sorry, I need to explain a lot and I hope we can work through my problems if you'll stick it out with me... I love you! ... But really... ? Do you think we will get that MIRACLE ... !

For now, I live in hope I do... I KNOW I KNOW... .But come on! We're NEW! And we're still in the what's this all about zone... ...

I wish you the best ,, and as I say ... Guess were all here through hurting n wondering what the hell.!

Stay focused on you just now... breathe n have time out to think ! ...  I take each day and try to soldier on through it... As heartbroken as I feel... .Life throws us some real bitter deals don't it!

X

[livednlearned]

Hi Nevergiveuponhope,

Let me welcome you here to the site, and wish for you as much help and support as I have received. It's clear you have a lot in common with many of us here, and this is a community where we help each other, so I'm sure if you keep posting and reading you will find it helpful.

What do you think is the right direction for you, and the best kind of help you hope to get here? What aspects of her behavior do you find most difficult to deal with?

There are communication skills that will minimize the behavior of someone with BPD and these have proven successful for some of the members here. Validation is the skill that I have found most helpful. Are you familiar with this communication skill?

You have found the best place in the world for understanding, compassion and education. We are here for each other, and we also know how much it helps to write things out.

I hope to learn more about your story as you post what you are comfortable sharing.

LnL

[IamME33]

Welcome to bpdfamily.  Seems like a difficult situation, I totally understand.  Been there myself.

Sounds like she has a repeated pattern of behavior, pulling you closer, only to sabotage any intimate moments between you.  Sounds like this has been going on for years as well, right?  I guess my questions for you are: do you think that sort of behavior pattern is conducive to a long-term, sustainable relationship?  Will it enhance your life, or undercut it?  Are you helping her by staying involved with her, allowing her to repeat the patterns, or is there another path?

  I often ask myself those questions and know the answers. My rational mind says there is no way you can live like this, no way you can marry and have children with this type of personality. Then my heart says that love can conquer it, if you just stick to it and seek help she has to see it eventually.

  I take these breaks, some days some months and then I somehow allow myself to get lured back in, saying "this is going to be the time that works." For she assures me if i treat her well and with respect that She can be stable. (I have always treated her with respect, the only times I have lost myself is when I am defending myself during these strange accusations.)

I cant figure myself out. I am an intelligent and very rational thinker... .unfortunately, i am unable choose and simply go with my rational conclusions. I sit here and hold to that thin thin ray of hope.

Thank you so much for the response. The fact that you do this for someone you don't know is amazing.

[IamME33]

First off , Hi... I'm sure now your here, you will get some good support and advice whilst your searching for answers to it all... .I know I feel as you do with your title of 'struggling to make sense of it all' ... You do feel like your just frozen at times whilst the world around you carries on! ... I'm left feeling quite empty as all I was doing was simply trying to love a man! ... Yet everything I did seemed wrong or was questioned... .So much so you become emotionally drained. ... .

I think there are some deeper issues maybe relating to her past? Trauma of any kind ? Childhood upbringing... Abandonment etc... . I am learning more and more on BPD / NPD / PTSD ETC ... .And what brings these impulsive traits to the surface... Why they devalue ... Idealise ... Paranoia of so many insecure fears they have... Etc... Pull - push ... Love - hate ... .this Jekyll & Hyde persona  It leaves you absolutely baffled and incredibly hurt.  

The fix is how compatible you feel at the beginning with this person... The feeling of WOW! this person is THE ONE! so to speak... The connection... The intense feelings... And the love you had never known before it... !  

It seems you are a decent guy who has been trying to SHOW her in many ways how much you loved her... Yet it was not appreciated nor reciprocated without conflict... .

I feel people pleasers and good hearted souls are always the ones falling victim to this kind of relationship trauma! We just want simplicity and love to be easy going and no hassles along the way! Now I'm not saying a perfect relationship by any means is without an argue or rant along the way... That's normal! ... But this treatment and draining your your emotions is far from right... I'm no saint, and I have insecure issues from my past childhood trauma... But I really did just try to love this guy! Still do! ... .Nobody gets it... How your ' hooked ' almost to now breaking point... .the yearning for ... ! I can SOO relate to! ... But believe me... .Your not alone with your feelings here. ... You say I've never loved a girl so much ... I say,  I've never loved this man I met so much ... .Yet to them ? We are the worlds worst? ... We can do not right for doing wrong! We are SO wrongly accused/ insulted ... Let alone the name calling! ... .It leaves you in shock mode at times! ... .

But hey... We learn ... and I see that his past childhood trauma has given him this very paranoid sick mind ... As well as my own ... I'm not throwing stones here! I will own up to insight being a wonderful thing to learn more about yourself and how we view our actions etc... But I was noway like how I was portrayed by him... . I simply thought I'd found a decent guy who could just love and us simply go through life together with... .Except I'm seeing a very different person just now... The rage and words in anger you see makes you question their love for you they said they had ? so strong at the beginning too?    love bombing!

Look deeper beneath what's really behind this girl... Is she holding onto a lot of deeper rooted hurt... Has nobody took time to delve into her past to see? Has she been hurt and keeps this to herself... .she seems very unstable at certain times ... Then full on love on other occasions... What gives ? ... ONLY you can understand this...  I stayed for 5 years hoping he would see that I loved him... But in that 5 years was subjected to quite a lot of his minds thoughts instead of reality... Sad thing is, he believes them to be true! And THIS is the draining process... .!

So I'm at the stage your at... Confused. Left deeply hurt!  about 5 weeks my world was turned upside down with the discard... .And your right , it shouldn't be this difficult... It's like we're waiting for a miracle for them to all of a sudden SEE and realise ... For them to contact and say , hey, I've been an utter *#*#... .And I'm sorry, I need to explain a lot and I hope we can work through my problems if you'll stick it out with me... I love you! ... But really... ? Do you think we will get that MIRACLE ... !

For now, I live in hope I do... I KNOW I KNOW... .But come on! We're NEW! And we're still in the what's this all about zone... ...

I wish you the best ,, and as I say ... Guess were all here through hurting n wondering what the hell.!

Stay focused on you just now... breathe n have time out to think ! ...  I take each day and try to soldier on through it... As heartbroken as I feel... .Life throws us some real bitter deals don't it!

X

   Thanks for the support. I really try to do the same, try my heart out not to respond to anything, try my heart out to realize that there will be someone else who would be ECSTATIC to be treated the way she has been treated. during that break I took, I met two girls during different stages and i treated them the same way i treated my ex (respectful, old school chivalrous type) because I really do believe thats what a girl deserves, especially one i feel for. Those two girls were awstruck with the treatment, but unfortunately, i could not get my mind off my ex and had to end things. They were both very kind and respectful and understanding when I ended the short "dating relationship." Why couldnt my ex understand and be respectful? I would probably be engaged at this point.

  I understand I am somewhat in denial, but reading everyone elses posts have made this struggle that much more real and concrete. It proves that there is in fact a real problem and this is simply not a high school type jealousy issue.

I have countless stories of failed nights, days, vacas, holidays... .but does what I am describing seem to you guys at BPD? I know it is difficult to diagnose, but the roller coaster ride, the flick of the switch, the possessed look, the manipulation, the made up lies, the behind the back snooping?

It seems to me that sometimes my ex girlfriend was my number 1 enemy trying to find ways to bring me down, when in reality, arent these people in your life supposed to be your support/rock?

I was young and confident, and am very ambitious and am having great success, I want to share my success with someone i love but somehow I am still on the search for happiness. I thought I was walking on water when I met this girl, but now im just clinging to hope.

I am now anxious and on meds for that, i see a therapist once a week. Its like, what the hell happened to me? All because a girl only shows love half the time, it should be easy to walk away... .But its the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and I'm wearing these emotions on my sleeve.

Any tips?

[Copperfox]

Welcome to bpdfamily.  Seems like a difficult situation, I totally understand.  Been there myself.

Sounds like she has a repeated pattern of behavior, pulling you closer, only to sabotage any intimate moments between you.  Sounds like this has been going on for years as well, right?  I guess my questions for you are: do you think that sort of behavior pattern is conducive to a long-term, sustainable relationship?  Will it enhance your life, or undercut it?  Are you helping her by staying involved with her, allowing her to repeat the patterns, or is there another path?

 I often ask myself those questions and know the answers. My rational mind says there is no way you can live like this, no way you can marry and have children with this type of personality. Then my heart says that love can conquer it, if you just stick to it and seek help she has to see it eventually.

 I take these breaks, some days some months and then I somehow allow myself to get lured back in, saying "this is going to be the time that works." For she assures me if i treat her well and with respect that She can be stable. (I have always treated her with respect, the only times I have lost myself is when I am defending myself during these strange accusations.)

I cant figure myself out. I am an intelligent and very rational thinker... .unfortunately, i am unable choose and simply go with my rational conclusions. I sit here and hold to that thin thin ray of hope.

Thank you so much for the response. The fact that you do this for someone you don't know is amazing.

This site was a lifesaver for many of us when we were at that point ... .just consider it us giving back  

Well its good you are asking yourself those questions.  Obviously neither I nor anyone else can answer them for you.  Something you have to puzzle through yourself.  We can talk to you about it though, help you through.

Life is hard, but love is harder.

[Soulslider]

Hi IamMe33,

Welcome to the site :-) I'm going to be brief as I just came off a night shift, but after reading your post I had to respond.

Yes, it definitely sounds like BPD to me, but this is based on my experiences. Your best bet is to stick to this site like glue and educate yourself with the lessons and by reading and sharing your experiences. You will very quickly pick up the pieces and you'll be in a highly informed position to make the right decision for YOU. Best of luck, stick to your gut instinct!

[IamME33]

Welcome to bpdfamily.  Seems like a difficult situation, I totally understand.  Been there myself.

Sounds like she has a repeated pattern of behavior, pulling you closer, only to sabotage any intimate moments between you.  Sounds like this has been going on for years as well, right?  I guess my questions for you are: do you think that sort of behavior pattern is conducive to a long-term, sustainable relationship?  Will it enhance your life, or undercut it?  Are you helping her by staying involved with her, allowing her to repeat the patterns, or is there another path?

 I often ask myself those questions and know the answers. My rational mind says there is no way you can live like this, no way you can marry and have children with this type of personality. Then my heart says that love can conquer it, if you just stick to it and seek help she has to see it eventually.

 I take these breaks, some days some months and then I somehow allow myself to get lured back in, saying "this is going to be the time that works." For she assures me if i treat her well and with respect that She can be stable. (I have always treated her with respect, the only times I have lost myself is when I am defending myself during these strange accusations.)

I cant figure myself out. I am an intelligent and very rational thinker... .unfortunately, i am unable choose and simply go with my rational conclusions. I sit here and hold to that thin thin ray of hope.

Thank you so much for the response. The fact that you do this for someone you don't know is amazing.

This site was a lifesaver for many of us when we were at that point ... .just consider it us giving back  

Well its good you are asking yourself those questions.  Obviously neither I nor anyone else can answer them for you.  Something you have to puzzle through yourself.  We can talk to you about it though, help you through.

Life is hard, but love is harder.

Thanks.

  I have thought about contacting her parents and trying to approach them about my findings. They have not seen the same girl I have, and lord knows what my exgf has told them about me. They literally think I'm a sociopath and mentioned that my exgf might have "battered woman syndrome." This is sad and dangerous, because it could not be further from the truth!  I want to sit them down and explain my findings, not really in hopes of solving the issue, but more so to help my exgf in the future, educate her parents, and for my own peace of mind to know that I literally did EVERYTHING I could to help her.

Its so strange:

   Friday-Saturday 2 weeks ago: i was told i was small, coward, ass, manipulative, most selfish person and to never ever speak to her again, that i was hated.

   Sunday 2 weeks: Called hysterically crying and begged me to come hold her and that she loved me.

Tues.Wed.Thurs 2 weeks: Hate filled emails because i refused to bring her around my family due to the extreme instability. Was told again, to never speak to her again and was never spoken to or described in such a cruel way.

    I stopped all my responses at this point. Just had enough.

This wednesday: 1 week after numerous rage filled hate and demeaning emails to me, she then wrote one to apologize and said although she does in fact feel everything she said, she shouldnt have ended it with someone she loved like that, though she wished me the best.

    I didnt respond.

Yesterday early early in the morning I get a text from her asking me to go away with her.

I didnt respond all day, but by afternoon I couldnt hold back. I told her that I wished we traveled the world together but unfortunately I realize its impossible. Lastly, I told her I was broken.

her response: "yeah, me too. have a good one"


... .its like those messages are just to get my attention and to give her some attention from me, and make her feel that i am still somewhat somehow on the hook? I tried like hell not to respond but its like I am taken over with emotions and anxiety and I had to. By responding, I could breath a little better.

I hate that I am writing this. I am literally sitting here shaking my head re-reading all of this. I am a confident and great person, and have an army of people that would vouch for me. without sounding arrogant, there are girls that would love to date me. Unfortunately, i literally have no interest. Its like Iam caught up in this mental tug of war. i have found myself on my knees crying and begging for this girl to realize and recognize what everyone else generally does. I wrote love notes every morning at 5am before work for 6 months straight, i did the trips, the surprises, the showering of compliments, the public displays of love, the small things, everything. To someone who says they love you, that should be the icing on that cake. Its clearly obvious that there is no hope and there is something seriously wrong. I feel like I havent gotten a real good breath in a long time, its crazy. Help.

[CloseToFreedom]

Wow, what can I say? Your story resembles mine so much. Was with my uExGF for 4,5 years and we took around 10 breaks. On those breaks it was really over, but mostly after a few weeks I fell for another 'recycle' as we call it here.

Mine, in the beginning (first year or so), also was very insecure about me. Constantly wanting my attention, texting, calling. I never experienced something like that before. While it drained my energy, it also made me feel more special than I ever felt. I was also placed on a pedestal, she would claim I was the best thing ever happening to her and her exes were all asss.

But the arguing about NOTHING AT ALL continued, and it became only stronger, it happened so often. Its so draining. Somewhere in those 4,5 years there was a change of positions so to speak, with me trying to please her as much as I could and her being on the fence every so often. Terrible, just terrible.

I can say that it only stops when you choose to get out and stay out. Mine is with a replacement right now, for a few months already, and I am sure that the devaluation is already starting to show. But its not my problem anymore. And if she ever comes knocking on my door, it stays closed.

I am, like you, a normal guy (with co-dependency issues). But these people make us feel like the crazy one. Her family also thinks Im the crazy one. Of course, family comes first, so you cant blame them for thinking that. I would advise against contacting them, nothing good is going to come out of it.

Stay strong, post and read a lot here. Good luck.

Edit: and about the texting after the break up. You are right, they try to get your attention and as soon as they have it, they go cold on you again. Thats why its important to stay in No Contact (NC). She just needs some supply, it is not about you. Forget the line 'love can conquer all'. What she feels isn't love. She just needs supply / a caretaker that will love her unconditionally, with all her terrible behaviour.

[IamME33]

Wow, what can I say? Your story resembles mine so much. Was with my uExGF for 4,5 years and we took around 10 breaks. On those breaks it was really over, but mostly after a few weeks I fell for another 'recycle' as we call it here.

Mine, in the beginning (first year or so), also was very insecure about me. Constantly wanting my attention, texting, calling. I never experienced something like that before. While it drained my energy, it also made me feel more special than I ever felt. I was also placed on a pedestal, she would claim I was the best thing ever happening to her and her exes were all asss.

But the arguing about NOTHING AT ALL continued, and it became only stronger, it happened so often. Its so draining. Somewhere in those 4,5 years there was a change of positions so to speak, with me trying to please her as much as I could and her being on the fence every so often. Terrible, just terrible.

I can say that it only stops when you choose to get out and stay out. Mine is with a replacement right now, for a few months already, and I am sure that the devaluation is already starting to show. But its not my problem anymore. And if she ever comes knocking on my door, it stays closed.

I am, like you, a normal guy (with co-dependency issues). But these people make us feel like the crazy one. Her family also thinks Im the crazy one. Of course, family comes first, so you cant blame them for thinking that. I would advise against contacting them, nothing good is going to come out of it.

Stay strong, post and read a lot here. Good luck.

Edit: and about the texting after the break up. You are right, they try to get your attention and as soon as they have it, they go cold on you again. Thats why its important to stay in No Contact (NC). She just needs some supply, it is not about you. Forget the line 'love can conquer all'. What she feels isn't love. She just needs supply / a caretaker that will love her unconditionally, with all her terrible behaviour.

Thanks for the support and advice. I'm pretty much embarrassed that I find myself in the situation and condition I am right now. Occassionally its pity and I then slap myself and tell myself to walk tall... .Feel like a wuss to be honest.

[Nevergiveuponhope]

Baffling... Confusing... And down right has you feel like your losing your mind.! ... .I completely understand... .But in no way are you a wuss ! ... You are feeling your at a dead end wondering what the hell to do for your own sanity but also what is happening in your life with this intense love you feel for this woman!  Nobody gets it! The feelings you have for these people whom you have fell in love with! But your entangled in the web that is their illness and trying to understand it is the big HUGE dilemma we all face!  My exBF Just cannot see how his behaviour with me in the relationship was slowly chipping away at my character! Draining and frustrated I was that I was doing nothing but loving him! ... They have a very clever way of making you feel that your a bad person! Yet before the relationship... I look back and I was a happy bubbly woman getting by in life... Friends would say it was a form of ' moulding me' into this person they need you to become! I did feel the walking on eggshells around him to basically ' keep the peace' and to stop him from making any false accusations! Etc! ... .You do feel as time goes on though... .That you shouldn't be acting this way in a relationship? ... You should be free to be yourself , be happy, laugh, have fun, spend quality time with each other but in comfort not worrying what mood they are in and if an argument will be on the agenda! ... .I really think he was oblivious to his ways! Like he just doesn't think there is anything wrong in how he thinks etc... .It DOES leave you wondering wth is going on! ... I'm a great believer though in that there is always a reason why people act the way they do... What's brought her behaviour to treat you this way and for her to think that it's normal or ok to do so, ... .You say you my go and speak with her family... It's a good start for you wanting answers ... I went and spoke to his mother and found out he had a real bad childhood with his fathers abuse! ... and a hell of a lot more! ... I could see how this could affect him being so insecure and how he looked at things the way he did... But they refuse to accept they have any issues! ... .He told his mum off for speaking to me about him when he later saw her... And of course he then started to tell her that it was I who had issues! ... . . We can only take so much as we try to help or understand ... But we are not superman or superwoman here! ... .We love them like no other , this is the heartbreak of it all... .But if they are not willing to address their illness or past and how it's affected them... .What do we do.?  

I'm at the stage were he has discarded me because of his paranoid mind and wrong accusations of me. He is saying I need to get help now! It's how they deflect their issues onto you now... .nothing wrong with them! It's all you! ... It drives you bonkers!  And your left as we are ... .Searching these sites in some hope for help!  I'm sorry it's come to this stage... And for really not shining a light on it all for you! ... But you certainly are not alone with this... .

At the same time and for your own sanity, maybe you need a bit of YOU time to breathe and think on things.  If you do go to speak with her family for any past issues, be prepared for a possible rage to follow... As denial of any faults is what you get next or that your the one with BPD! ... . 

It's hard to deal with some days... But I feel I need him to see ACCEPT that his past and his dads abuse has contributed to him being the way he has been with me... .People are saying GOOD LUCK WITH THAT ONE as they simply cannot open their mindset to it... .In my case and for now ... I keep on trying... Educate yourself on these sites, but don't forget to look after YOU too.

[Copperfox]

... .its like those messages are just to get my attention and to give her some attention from me, and make her feel that i am still somewhat somehow on the hook? I tried like hell not to respond but its like I am taken over with emotions and anxiety and I had to. By responding, I could breath a little better.

I hate that I am writing this. I am literally sitting here shaking my head re-reading all of this. I am a confident and great person, and have an army of people that would vouch for me. without sounding arrogant, there are girls that would love to date me. Unfortunately, i literally have no interest. Its like Iam caught up in this mental tug of war. i have found myself on my knees crying and begging for this girl to realize and recognize what everyone else generally does. I wrote love notes every morning at 5am before work for 6 months straight, i did the trips, the surprises, the showering of compliments, the public displays of love, the small things, everything. To someone who says they love you, that should be the icing on that cake. Its clearly obvious that there is no hope and there is something seriously wrong. I feel like I havent gotten a real good breath in a long time, its crazy. Help.

Probably doesn't seem fair, but you have to be the rock in this situation. Let her storms rage around you. Don't react, at all. Reacting only plays into the game. This is her drama, not yours.

Also, I wouldn't advise talking to her or her family about suspected BPD.  Concensus on these boards is that it usually doesn't turn out well.

[IamME33]

Probably doesn't seem fair, but you have to be the rock in this situation. Let her storms rage around you. Don't react, at all. Reacting only plays into the game. This is her drama, not yours.

Also, I wouldn't advise talking to her or her family about suspected BPD.  Concensus on these boards is that it usually doesn't turn out well.

   We hadnt talked for a week and I found out she went back to a guy she had been dating during our break 5 months ago. I said that was enough and I cant do this anymore, but am really struggling to stay strong. She even texted me after being with him to go away, that she wants to make it work, and "what was she supposed to do?"

   we werent together so i do not consider it cheating, but I am extremely hurt by her actions and that the fact that I had to hear about it through someone else. The thought of her with another guy kills me, especially when she thinks she can innocently tell me "but i want to be with you."

I told her enough was enough, that I loved her, but we cant go on like this. its crazy, i know she is and has been harmful to my mental health and overall quality of life, but i can honestly say I would be thrilled if she walked up to my door right now. That concerns me: that i know its bad, but I am really really struggling to keep it away from me. I am driving myself insane. Obsessing and trying to make sense of everything... .

[Indiegrl]

Dear IamMe33

It sounds familiar to me... .Have been with my boyfriend for almost two years, and it has been the best relationship in my life... .I thought... .until he suddenly withdrew 5 weeks ago, furious with me. The accusations won't stop, he cannot trust me, and whose fault is that? Me, obviously... .And I am the... .most decent and honest girl around, put my pride in it, never to fool anybody.

Well... My boyfriend is not diagnosed with BPD (as far as I know... .) but I recognize so many things by reading these forums and all the brilliant cut the crap articles here. It is so painful to read, because there obviously are some unpleasant truths about my own psychology which I need to confront.

Anyway, I wanted to tip you about one of the article that really has made an impact on me, and if you haven't read it, I would recommend it strongly. I keep reading it, and it keeps talking to me... .it's truth in here, I can feel it... .

It is this one, by Skip:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

Beautifully balanced... .adressing the interdependency between the two partners... .I can see now... .I did have a void, and he has filled it with the most amazing love-experience of my time (I am over 40 years old... .), I do feel he has seen and understood the depths of my soul... .I feel seen and loved for the very first time... .and that is truly powerful stuff. But all these accusations... .I have somehow gotten to be in a constant defensive position... .and it's crazy... .I see now... .how insecurities are a driving force in our loaded relationship... .his unability to trust me (and blaming that solely on me), and my extreme eagerness to get his approval... .it's a vicious cycle, indeed.

I am 43 years old, have full responsibility for two kids, a good job and own my house where I live with my kids. I am an independent woman... .and I never ever have fooled any man, I am more open and honest than the most, I think, and I tidy up my interpersonal mess, do not bring it onto others, I mean, I've never been shady or decietful in any of my relationships. I have a lot of male friends... .and yes, they are all "just friends". I know where the boundaries are, I do not take these things lightly.

But exactly this very issue is his primary argument... .saying "no wonder I cannot really trust you" (thinking: you liyng, decieving b___ who prioritize your own need for attentention over our relationsship! Hm, makes me sad to write this, because... .he has actually put these meanings into words... .it is no longer only his attitude or thinking underneath his words. The shift, the emergence of his anger and hatred towards me, surfaced for the first time only 4 weeks ago. Hell of a shift... .thinking honestly I had found the man I would be with for the rest of my life (oh joy!), and now facing the possibility of a break-up in the next few days... .Life... .Life's a b___, and then you die ;-) )

And this is my weak spot, my soft button, so to speak... .During the past 6 months, I have read a couple of books on emotional blackmail... .which I would recommend to do. I have never thought of myself as a people pleaser, cause I am independent and strong-minded, a bit too confronting sometimes... but as he hits my soft button: My primary concern is to be superb in relations, I want to be a super mom, I want to be a super friend, and I want to be a super girlfriend. I comly... .he has a grip over me, cause I don't tolerate being bad in relations, it's not me!

He tells me I am the best girlfriend he has ever had, noone like me. But now I realise, he keeps telling me the other stuff as well... .partly hidden, he puts forward the notion that if I don't do this or that (ie. what he pleases, or rather, what he NEEDS) I am not a good girlfriend, I am not caring, or loving or being normally considerate at all.

And by this... .he has gotten a strange form of control over me... .I have read now: DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONAL. Oh, it is almost impossible! Especially when the accusations are going wildly berzerk... .*sigh*

Ups, I keep talking away in your thread... .And I hope I am not "out of character" by telling these things from my relationship, how I experience things at this very moment. My sole purpose is to share, in hope of... .you maybe recognizing some stuff... .please take care to read Skips article.

I give you a hug... . and wish for you to take a time out and reconnect with your best friends... .I myself have become someone I do not quite recognize, I feel now I have to speak up for myself... .but how shall I deal with these accusations?  I feel like there is nothing I could do, everything will be twisted and critisised anyway.

Thanks for reading... .this is my first post... .have written three before, introductions, but they all disappeared after me hitting some unknown places on the keyboard (guess the technical setups for "post" or "discard" are somewhat different from what I am accustumed to where I live).

All the best,

Indiegrl

[IamME33]

Anyway, I wanted to tip you about one of the article that really has made an impact on me, and if you haven't read it, I would recommend it strongly. I keep reading it, and it keeps talking to me... .it's truth in here, I can feel it... .

It is this one, by Skip:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

This article was like an echo of myself, my words, my thoughts. I really appreciate the support, I would not be able to go about this alone. I try to "soldier on" each day, even though it has only been 3 days of NC now. What a battle.

Thank You!

[Noah]

First off , Hi... I'm sure now your here, you will get some good support and advice whilst your searching for answers to it all... .I know I feel as you do with your title of 'struggling to make sense of it all' ... You do feel like your just frozen at times whilst the world around you carries on! ... I'm left feeling quite empty as all I was doing was simply trying to love a man! ... Yet everything I did seemed wrong or was questioned... .So much so you become emotionally drained. ... .

I think there are some deeper issues maybe relating to her past? Trauma of any kind ? Childhood upbringing... Abandonment etc... . I am learning more and more on BPD / NPD / PTSD ETC ... .And what brings these impulsive traits to the surface... Why they devalue ... Idealise ... Paranoia of so many insecure fears they have... Etc... Pull - push ... Love - hate ... .this Jekyll & Hyde persona  It leaves you absolutely baffled and incredibly hurt.  

The fix is how compatible you feel at the beginning with this person... The feeling of WOW! this person is THE ONE! so to speak... The connection... The intense feelings... And the love you had never known before it... !  

It seems you are a decent guy who has been trying to SHOW her in many ways how much you loved her... Yet it was not appreciated nor reciprocated without conflict... .

I feel people pleasers and good hearted souls are always the ones falling victim to this kind of relationship trauma! We just want simplicity and love to be easy going and no hassles along the way! Now I'm not saying a perfect relationship by any means is without an argue or rant along the way... That's normal! ... But this treatment and draining your your emotions is far from right... I'm no saint, and I have insecure issues from my past childhood trauma... But I really did just try to love this guy! Still do! ... .Nobody gets it... How your ' hooked ' almost to now breaking point... .the yearning for ... ! I can SOO relate to! ... But believe me... .Your not alone with your feelings here. ... You say I've never loved a girl so much ... I say,  I've never loved this man I met so much ... .Yet to them ? We are the worlds worst? ... We can do not right for doing wrong! We are SO wrongly accused/ insulted ... Let alone the name calling! ... .It leaves you in shock mode at times! ... .

But hey... We learn ... and I see that his past childhood trauma has given him this very paranoid sick mind ... As well as my own ... I'm not throwing stones here! I will own up to insight being a wonderful thing to learn more about yourself and how we view our actions etc... But I was noway like how I was portrayed by him... . I simply thought I'd found a decent guy who could just love and us simply go through life together with... .Except I'm seeing a very different person just now... The rage and words in anger you see makes you question their love for you they said they had ? so strong at the beginning too?    love bombing!

Look deeper beneath what's really behind this girl... Is she holding onto a lot of deeper rooted hurt... Has nobody took time to delve into her past to see? Has she been hurt and keeps this to herself... .she seems very unstable at certain times ... Then full on love on other occasions... What gives ? ... ONLY you can understand this...  I stayed for 5 years hoping he would see that I loved him... But in that 5 years was subjected to quite a lot of his minds thoughts instead of reality... Sad thing is, he believes them to be true! And THIS is the draining process... .!

So I'm at the stage your at... Confused. Left deeply hurt!  about 5 weeks my world was turned upside down with the discard... .And your right , it shouldn't be this difficult... It's like we're waiting for a miracle for them to all of a sudden SEE and realise ... For them to contact and say , hey, I've been an utter *#*#... .And I'm sorry, I need to explain a lot and I hope we can work through my problems if you'll stick it out with me... I love you! ... But really... ? Do you think we will get that MIRACLE ... !

For now, I live in hope I do... I KNOW I KNOW... .But come on! We're NEW! And we're still in the what's this all about zone... ...

I wish you the best ,, and as I say ... Guess were all here through hurting n wondering what the hell.!

Stay focused on you just now... breathe n have time out to think ! ...  I take each day and try to soldier on through it... As heartbroken as I feel... .Life throws us some real bitter deals don't it!

X

   Thanks for the support. I really try to do the same, try my heart out not to respond to anything, try my heart out to realize that there will be someone else who would be ECSTATIC to be treated the way she has been treated. during that break I took, I met two girls during different stages and i treated them the same way i treated my ex (respectful, old school chivalrous type) because I really do believe thats what a girl deserves, especially one i feel for. Those two girls were awstruck with the treatment, but unfortunately, i could not get my mind off my ex and had to end things. They were both very kind and respectful and understanding when I ended the short "dating relationship." Why couldnt my ex understand and be respectful? I would probably be engaged at this point.

  I understand I am somewhat in denial, but reading everyone elses posts have made this struggle that much more real and concrete. It proves that there is in fact a real problem and this is simply not a high school type jealousy issue.

I have countless stories of failed nights, days, vacas, holidays... .but does what I am describing seem to you guys at BPD? I know it is difficult to diagnose, but the roller coaster ride, the flick of the switch, the possessed look, the manipulation, the made up lies, the behind the back snooping?

It seems to me that sometimes my ex girlfriend was my number 1 enemy trying to find ways to bring me down, when in reality, arent these people in your life supposed to be your support/rock?

I was young and confident, and am very ambitious and am having great success, I want to share my success with someone i love but somehow I am still on the search for happiness. I thought I was walking on water when I met this girl, but now im just clinging to hope.

I am now anxious and on meds for that, i see a therapist once a week. Its like, what the hell happened to me? All because a girl only shows love half the time, it should be easy to walk away... .But its the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and I'm wearing these emotions on my sleeve.

Any tips?

Wow... .after reading your post it brings back a lot of memories for me with my uBPDgf.  So many times of planning the perfect trip or holiday only to see it go down in flames.

But my post is to focus on your question and your well-being.

Therapy is alway beneficial.  I also think spending a little time understanding BPD and reading other peoples stories is beneficial.  But i wold not spending too much time doing this.  It is more important to focus on your healing and self improvement.  Too much focus on her and the illness is not productive.

My tips would include continue with therapy.  Spend time with family and friends.  Pick up a hobby.  Exercise.  And no contact.  Use some quiet time thinking about what you want out of life.  Dreams.  Desires.  Hopes.  Then make a flexible plan to achieve those goals. Its ok to be a little selfish.  Trust me... .if you are with a BPD, you are probably very giving and not very selfish. 

Time away from the chaos helps your mind and emotions adjusted back to a healthy state.  Too many times we let the BPDs suck us into their world were we get used to the choas.

I know the emotional tug.  My God i have spent many sleepless nights thinking of what could be.  But please please please realize this... .someone with BPD is not going to get healthy unless they are serious about therapy and support groups.  If they refuse to admit there is a problem you are only headed towards more chaos and more heartache.

[Noah]

Wow, what can I say? Your story resembles mine so much. Was with my uExGF for 4,5 years and we took around 10 breaks. On those breaks it was really over, but mostly after a few weeks I fell for another 'recycle' as we call it here.

Mine, in the beginning (first year or so), also was very insecure about me. Constantly wanting my attention, texting, calling. I never experienced something like that before. While it drained my energy, it also made me feel more special than I ever felt. I was also placed on a pedestal, she would claim I was the best thing ever happening to her and her exes were all asss.

But the arguing about NOTHING AT ALL continued, and it became only stronger, it happened so often. Its so draining. Somewhere in those 4,5 years there was a change of positions so to speak, with me trying to please her as much as I could and her being on the fence every so often. Terrible, just terrible.

I can say that it only stops when you choose to get out and stay out. Mine is with a replacement right now, for a few months already, and I am sure that the devaluation is already starting to show. But its not my problem anymore. And if she ever comes knocking on my door, it stays closed.

I am, like you, a normal guy (with co-dependency issues). But these people make us feel like the crazy one. Her family also thinks Im the crazy one. Of course, family comes first, so you cant blame them for thinking that. I would advise against contacting them, nothing good is going to come out of it.

Stay strong, post and read a lot here. Good luck.

Edit: and about the texting after the break up. You are right, they try to get your attention and as soon as they have it, they go cold on you again. Thats why its important to stay in No Contact (NC). She just needs some supply, it is not about you. Forget the line 'love can conquer all'. What she feels isn't love. She just needs supply / a caretaker that will love her unconditionally, with all her terrible behaviour.

Thanks for the support and advice. I'm pretty much embarrassed that I find myself in the situation and condition I am right now. Occassionally its pity and I then slap myself and tell myself to walk tall... .Feel like a wuss to be honest.

What you are feeling is quite normal for your situation.  We have all felt embarrassed.  Its as if our mind and hearts are in an arguement and although our hearts have been deceived, our hearts are winning the battle with our minds.

I would suggest watching Robert Wongs self redirection videos on youtube.  He chronicles his daily or weekly recovery from a BPD relationship.  Its brutually honest but encouraging to see his progress over time.

[apollotech]

"I have even said if one of my friends were in my situation, that i would sit them down and advise them that they deserve so much better, but i cant help the strong feeling in my heart for her.

I saw a post earlier that someone mentioned they were dating a girl based on "her potential," and i feel like i have done the same. I have seen how beautiful this can all be, and im just holding on to hope that one day she will realize i am GOOD.

Last week she ended things with 6 extremely nasty explicit rude emails. But i dont let them affect me, because i know she doesnt feel these things. since then, she emailed me apologizing but still leaving and then this morning asked me to go away with her. I havent responded in 8 days.

I am losing my mind, because I have never loved a girl so much. But i realize it shouldnt be this difficult... ."

Hello IamME33,

I am sorry to hear that you are in your current situation. I, nor anyone else on these boards, can diagnose a personality disorder. Whether your gf is a person with BPD (pwBPD) or not, her behavior is highly unstable and, therefore, not conducive to a long term commitment.

My biggest concern is that your "hope" is keeping you mired in emotional turmoil, confusion, and chaos. We have all been there. We have all hoped for that moment when our BPDSO's would finally get control of themselves and see the light. To see that we were/are good, to see that they were/are responsible for their actions (and accept said responsibility), to see that a future of love, enrichment, happiness, etc. is obtainable with us. Our hope seemed to be unlimited.

But here is the problem: that limitless hope is misplaced. When misplaced, it transforms. It is no longer an admirable character of benefit, but rather, it becomes a circular beacon of anxiety, despair, confusion, and hurt. It bars reason, and holds us in place. This misplaced hope is often referred to as malignant hope or defensive hope. In a defensive posture it delays acceptance (a component of reason, not of emotion), it delays pain; it is our emotional self saying NO.

Until your misplaced hope dissipates a bit and allows reason to take command you'll be stuck. By your writing, it is clear that you understand that there are problems, but you haven't accepted said problems. For myself, my misplaced hope did not begin to dissipate until I distanced myself from the problems, my BPDgf and our unhealthy/damaging relationship. Your own hope will keep you in a position to be traumatized; be aware of that.

[IamME33]

Thank you all for your support. Its amazing that people I have never met take the time to help me out... .I truly thank you all.

I have not seen my exGF in a few months, despite her attempts at invites and guilt trips, although I have communicated very very little through text, maybe once a week or every other week. Most recently she insisted that no one that she has spoken to can believe that we are actually broken up and that "everyone" thought we were happy. By everyone, she cited two people who we never saw once during out two year relationship. She then insisted that I "made up" the issues with her and if i really loved her i would have worked them out. I didnt respond, the effort and frustration isnt worth it.

Its been over 2 months since seeing her and I still think about it every day, countless times a day. I try to go about my days and stay positive that things will get better, but its not easy. I have going to counseling and we have considered this whole relationship an addiction of mine, that i have been chasing the high that i felt a couple years ago. I have moments of weakness and fear a "relapse," but so far so good. In fact, her responses and texts and blame almost provide proof and evidence of the fantasy world she lives in, the world where I am the bad guy and I am at fault for all this madness. They keep me grounded and remind me to stay away. Thanks to everyone for taking the time to help me out, it is appreciated much more than you all know. THANK YOU

[Chrisbazsky77]

Whilst reading your post,it was my life for the past 2 years in a nutshell and then some! My husband and I of 4 years are now seperated(asked him to leave-his rage episodes were getting worse and I just couldn't handle the tantrums any longer-i was all out of energy! I have always known he has had a very troubled past-adopted by step-dad his mom married,middle child,teen drugs,no sense of family,un-present incapable mother etc... .but I had no idea about BPD until my quest to find out what's amking him act out like this brought me here and to other sites too. Its been 2 weeks we are apart and already I feel "lost". I find myself clinging to many, many great memories and happy times and miss his presence in the house basically. I miss his warm hugs and smile. I find myself crying myself to sleep each night longing for him to go for the appointment he has coming up 8 may. He has been sending me many mixed messages, he comes across as dumb,smart,angry,impatient,normal,sick all in sometimes one message! That's draining! I'm really trying the No Contact approach but I have failed twice by contacting him first(once to vent all MY feelings-the other to check if he was doing ok). His messages contain threats of suicide,sleeping around because he has "urges" and its been over 2 weeks,sometimes he says he's looking forward to his EEG next week, then he flips and says "stuff it-theres nothing wrong with me". I have posted a question earlier"will he carry out his threats?". He makes me feel so guilty for sending him away, also says I'm to blame if he kills himself... .I'm a smart, well-rounded individual, however I find myself getting caught up in this madness!

[Mel1968]

Oh my goodness.

I joined this site today and in fact I've spent the entire day online trying to find answers to help... .This thread has been like reading my life and my emotions/responses for the past two years. I'm so drained.

My gf dumped me Finally last week (it's a weekly occurrence in response to all my many imagined crimes) but this time I think she really does mean it... .I've contacted her every day to try and make things better (I know, I know, but if i can just say the right thing... .Or maybe this is the right thing... .or that... .It'll be the thing that makes her realise that my love is genuine) and for the first time she hasn't replied for nearly a week. I really do think this is it and it's killing me.

I cannot bear to have lost the first person I've truly loved in a complete way (I'm nearly 50, that makes me so sad) and who I truly believed I was going to live happily - or at least interestingly- ever after with. And she hates me because she believes such awful things about me (which are in no way true)

I am so glad to have found this site, I'm not quite sure how I'm going to make it through the next few weeks, let alone contemplate the gaping hole that is the rest of my life without her.

Thank you to everyone who's commented, I know not to me directly, but you've got me through today.