Have I reached my tolerance?

[Fresia*]

This is my first thread, although I have been visiting and reading others for about 10 months.

My partner has been diagnosed with BPD, Narcissistic Personality and OCD since making several attempts on his life. we are both in our late 30's and have a son who is 4. I am grateful that he has accepted his diagnosis and is actively making an effort to get help and improve, yet despite that it is still incredibly hard.

The worst bit for me is seeing how our son has learnt to adapt emotionally to the all facets of his fathers personality, followed by the changes I recognise in my own personality, fearing I am not being the best parent I can be. As I write and re-write that last sentence, I think there are too many worst bits to state one is top of the list. I feel that we have all suffered so many low points that I can no longer move forward, forgive and forget.

Have I reached my tolerance? Do I break up our family in order to give myself the opportunity to be a better parent?

[livednlearned]

Hi Fresia*,

I'm sorry for what you're going through but glad you have found a community where many of us have been through similar experiences -- we learn from each other here, and that helps a lot.

Is your son aware that his dad has a problem? Will he talk to you about how he feels?

I have a 13 year old son, and my ex is BPD/NPD. He suffered from mild OCD. It's very challenging to raise a child in this environment. One of the most important skills I had to learn is validation. We have a really helpful Lesson 5 to the right in the sidebar. If I had to recommend one thing from the resources there, it would be the one on validation.

You have found the best place in the world for understanding, compassion and education.

We are here for each other, and we also know how much it helps to write things out.



LnL

[Fresia*]

Thank-you LNL.

I was scared that I may not have had a response at all so thank-you.

I have explained in the past that Daddy is poorly. But with all the highs and lows I don't know to explain all the different facets. My son "A" will share his feelings with me and I do try not to react overly but just listen and give him reassurance that mummy and daddy both love him very much. I will read lesson 5.

I have told my partner that it's over and we have lived in the same house on this basis for 3-weeks. I am giving him time to accept this rather than make him move out. We're in separate rooms and A has now started asking why I won't let daddy back in his bed. I didn't really know what to say and just replied that I wasn't ready to yet.

So many things to think about, just trying to now focus on A and look after myself rather than worry about and prioritise my partner.

[livednlearned]

Hi Fresia,

We have some conversations here about what you're going through -- whether it's better or not to stay for the kids, whether we've had enough. It's a tough decision, and I wanted to share this thread because you will learn that you're not alone, and many people have weighed in on their own struggle to answer this for themselves:

PERSPECTIVES: Is it better for the kids if I stay or leave? (click on the green link to read)

There have been studies that show that kids who grow up in divorced homes have more problems in life than kids whose parents stay together. Would having a BPD/NPD parent (or other abusive parent) change this outlook? If you leave, do you think your kids have been harmed by the friction between you and the ex? Would things be better for your kids living in a two-parent home situation? If you are the father, do you believe that leaving your marriage means leaving your kids?

We also have a good article about the psychological and emotional aspects of divorce. Understanding the emotional experience you're going through, as well as that of your partner, will help you support your son.

Psychological and Emotional Aspects of Divorce

ARTICLE: Emotional Stages of Divorce

The decision to end a relationship can be traumatic, chaotic, and filled with contradictory emotions. There are also specific feelings, attitudes, and dynamics associated with whether one is in the role of the initiator or the receiver of the decision to breakup. For example, it is not unusual for the initiator to experience fear, relief, distance, impatience, resentment, doubt, and guilt. Likewise, when a party has not initiated the divorce, they may feel shock, betrayal, loss of control, victimization, decreased self esteem, insecurity, anger, a desire to "get even," and wishes to reconcile.

I also learned the long, round-about very mistake-laden way that validation is where my son's healing was grounded. It is easy to do, has an immediate effect, and also takes a while to master. We have a really helpful set of articles about this here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=272638.msg12585648#msg12585648

Please tell us more when you're comfortable doing so, and let us know how things are going for you. It is difficult to be in these relationships, and difficult to end them. And raising a child we love who has a mentally ill parent -- it's a lot. You're not alone, and we're here for you.



LnL