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Author Topic: udBPDw away  (Read 592 times)
4kidz
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« on: March 27, 2015, 12:05:59 PM »

so my udBPDw went away for 7 days to a life coaching school to try and find her direction in life sort of thing. She had a difficult childhood which has led to her emotional immaturity/instability. Her goal as she stated is for "personal growth"... We have been married almost 10 years and have had a difficult last 6 months or so. I have been painted black, exposed to dysregulation, been given the silent treatment etc. I have been on the staying board for a while now but at times have teetered towards the undecided board. I love her to death but am becoming emotionally exhausted by all of the ups/downs of the relationship.She has a group of 4-5 friends that she talks to exclusively, I am left as an after thought most of the time. I have read and read so many BPD oriented books and am really trying to educate myself about the disorder while learning how to take care of myself. ( codependent)Anyhow I am thinking that this next week may actually determine whether we stay together or not. Not that I am expecting any miracles but- if she comes back with the same attitude towards me and does not show any signs of wanting to get back into the relationship then I think I will be faced with the decision on whether to stay or go. I want to be happy, feel loved, respected and get my self esteem , self respect back... I know I have alot to offer somebody. I just hope its her. If not I need to move along... Anyway, does anybody have any experience with life coaching? Whether for yourself or someone you know? I would appreciate any feedback on that or on my situation in general. I appreciate and respect everyone on this board and welcome any feedback... .
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Michelle27
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« Reply #1 on: March 27, 2015, 12:17:54 PM »

If I were you, I would just enjoy the "break" and do things for you rather than build expectations on her behavior when she returns.  I've made that mistake (and been disappointed) too many times to count and it's inevitable that you will be disappointed that she will come back "fixed".  I understand the emotional exhaustion, because I've been there, which is why your focus needs to be taking care of you, both while she's gone and when she returns. 

I can only dream of a week long "break" like that. ;-)
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4kidz
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« Reply #2 on: March 27, 2015, 12:23:53 PM »

thanks Michelle. As the time approached I really thought that I would exhale, say alleluia and enjoy the relief period. Strangely that went away when she left. Today I find myself doing exactly what you said- focusing on how things will be when she returns. Thanks for opening my eyes to that! I have 7 days to take care of myself, not worry about the silent treatment, mood swings etc... Do whatever I want, when I want and IF I want. I will be damned if I don't prioritize that... Thank you!
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Mike-X
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« Reply #3 on: March 27, 2015, 12:24:37 PM »

I am sorry that you are struggling with this. Why did she decide to go to a life coaching school? Are you asking whether life coaching is likely to "fix" or "attenuate" her BPD symptoms? My guess is that it might have an effect on boosting her self-esteem which could help with the symptoms and could lead her to want to deal with her potentially darker issues in a BPD therapy.

I truly hope for you that there is significant change, and I will be interested in hearing what happens. If this works, then life coaching could be a less threatening gateway get people with BPD to seek BPD-specific therapy.
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4kidz
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« Reply #4 on: March 27, 2015, 12:40:18 PM »

to her credit, she does realize that at times she struggles with her emotions. She has attended therapy both individual and marital. However BPD has never been part of any therapy session. She wants to grow within and get more direction in life. She is close to being able to retire from her present job at an early age. I think her next step along these lines is part of the reason she went. I do realize that I cannot expect her to be fixed. Thats not going to happen. However if this helps her realize that perhaps some of her thought processing may be off a bit, or allot in some ways and can be looked at differently than its a big win for her. When she is emotionally stable she is a wonderful lady...
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takingandsending
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« Reply #5 on: March 27, 2015, 04:10:44 PM »

Hi 4kidz.

My uBPDw wants to go to school to become a life/spiritual coach! I want her to become the life coach of all the people who want to become life coaches, because, judging by how much money she has spent on all of this coaching and trying to life coach others, that's where the real money is. 

Every situation is different, but I would do what Michelle27 suggests, focus on yourself right now. My wife has been at this for 2 years now, and I think that it has led to some small gains among many set backs. Has her positive regard for me increased? Some but not a whole lot. Has her emotional stability improved? A little. Has she learned some tools to self-sooth? This is probably the best area of improvement, as she is dealing more with her own crises and not pulling me in. Of course, I have also been much more consistent with my boundaries. Has our intimacy or love increased? Not really.

The things that have worked best in my life are when I focus on my own needs and how I can practice self-kindness. When I am secure and happy, are relationship does better. I wish you as much self-care and self-kindness as you can accomplish this week. What sorts of things can you do for yourself right now?   
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4kidz
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« Reply #6 on: March 30, 2015, 11:03:00 AM »

I guess deep down I am hoping that her attitude changes towards me ( and to a degree others). A little compassion/ acknowledgement that i am not an evil person and am not to blame for all that we struggle with in our relationship. In no way am I expecting miracles... .small signs would go a long way... The 6 day program ends Wednesday, then she will spend the following 3 days with her daughter. She will be back on Easter Sunday ( night). Aditionally I am trying real hard to not be upset with the fact that she has not called/text since last Thursday. I understand its a pretty intense program and I believe they ask her to leave home life behind. So whenever I find myself getting upset I remind myself not to take it personally... .( i realize that I may be providing an excuse for her to protect my feelings ... .ughhhh)   thank you all for your feedback/support...
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takingandsending
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« Reply #7 on: March 30, 2015, 11:45:06 AM »

4kidz,

Additionally I am trying real hard to not be upset with the fact that she has not called/text since last Thursday. I understand its a pretty intense program and I believe they ask her to leave home life behind. So whenever I find myself getting upset I remind myself not to take it personally... .( i realize that I may be providing an excuse for her to protect my feelings ... .ughhhh)   thank you all for your feedback/support...

It sounds like your anxiety level is still pretty high. What sorts of things are you doing or can you do for yourself? Even small things like taking a walk or watching a funny movie (humor is really a good release) can help. Doing small, positive things for yourself will help repair some of the hurts that you are suffering and may give enough fresh air that you can step out of the Fear-Obligation-Guilt that so many of us fall into. I found the Walking On Eggshells Workbook helpful to identify the ways that I have accepted responsibility for things that really I am not responsible for. Have you read or done the exercises in that workbook? Might be worth a read before your wife returns.
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4kidz
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« Reply #8 on: March 30, 2015, 12:01:32 PM »

read the book, did not get the workbook. will look into that.   As for doing things for myself- I am training for the 1/2 marathon in early May on Long Island... Keep myself busy with the gym. Also have a child with a learning disability. So some of my time is spent helping him.  To your point, my anxiety level is definitely high. I am trying real hard to alleviate that as much as possible... Cant beging to tell you how many books I have read about BPD... .
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takingandsending
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« Reply #9 on: March 31, 2015, 11:21:43 AM »

Wow. training for a half marathon is great. Running is definitely good for relieving stress. I found the SWOE workbook exercises helped me to recognize how I was hoping for a lot of change from my wife, and just how many areas of my life I had put on hold, waiting for those changes. Over the past 6 months or so, I am gradually accepting that some changes are possible and some will likely never be possible. I am always going to get much more than my share of the blame and responsibility for relationship and communication breakdowns. I do what I can to mitigate these, mainly by not JADE-ing and by having boundaries when I feel attacked or hurt by my wife's words. I also realize that I will always be on the short end of validation in our RS, i.e. my wife requires a lot of it and gives little of it in return. Lastly, I am trying to take the next step by becoming more responsible for my own needs and happiness so that I can be a happier person and a better father for my sons.

How are you doing with your boundaries? When you say you want compassion and acknowledgement that you are not an evil person based on struggles, I completely understand that. But is that something that you can give to yourself when your wife is dysregulating? My own self recriminations tend to kick in, but I am learning more and more that those are the really critical moments when I need to trust a deep knowing that I am a decent and kind human being, i.e do some self-soothing. When you find her comments getting to you, are there boundaries that you set? A friend of mine recently mentioned how she would push her bi-polar II husband to go for a 20 minute walk with her when they got into heated arguments, because by the end of the walk, they both had cooled off. I was considering trying that with my wife. Usually, I just take the walk to create my boundary and sooth my own anger - not sure how this would work with our BPD SO's.

Keep posting. Let us know how you are doing. I hope your wife comes back with more gentleness. For my wife, she usually comes out of these workshops with a lot of information that she wants to share, things she believes me or the kids should do to help her feel better, things that she feels she has to do to gain control and purpose in her life. It is a spark, but unfortunately, in life, it is the long term day to  day practice that makes a difference. Still, positive steps do happen. 
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4kidz
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« Reply #10 on: March 31, 2015, 11:55:44 AM »

i definitely need to work on boundaries. I have been a pushover( co dependent) for way to long. Cannot believe how hard it is for me to take care of myself... I have not heard from my uBPDw since last Thursday. While I am angry/hurt by that I am trying not to let that dominate my feelings throughout the day ( not working so well right now). I just finished a book written by a Survivor of a BPD relationship. A fair amount of what he went through we all have probably gone through to a degree. Anyhow it hit home with me when he wrote that he had a moment in time where he just decided that enough was enough and stood up for himself. I want that and need that!

     Now I find myself wondering how to handle myself when she returns. My hurt/anger over not hearing from her is part of it, the other part is being understanding because I know the intensity of the program she is going through. She has not been using her phone while I am away. So I take some solace in that...   Hurt, confused, angry, sad, hopeful... .Just another day of racing emotions... .

       Thank you for your advice/encouragement... means allot... .
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takingandsending
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« Reply #11 on: March 31, 2015, 01:12:08 PM »

I think the hard part for us co-dependents is getting clarity on our own feelings. Here was one of the exercises in the SWOE workbook, imagine a RS without BPD. What would you want it to look like? That was a   for me. When I took the time to list out all of the things that I wanted, hoped, wished, dreamed for, I began to get in touch with just how much grief I have been carrying (like a heavy sack on my shoulders) for over ten years. Then you take that list and refine it by noting the things that you had hoped to receive from your partner and those things that your partner was never going to really do (like be a great rock climbing partner, one of my examples). Then you note the priority of these needs or desires for you. I saw some patterns emerge, centered around kindness, respect, compassion and understanding. That became my first boundary that I absolutely needed to work on. When communications reflect the opposite of kindness, respect, compassion and understanding, I need to take a break for me. I try to validate my wife's emotions and express that I am taking a break for myself, that what she has to say is important to me and I will be back in 20 minutes to discuss it.
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4kidz
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« Reply #12 on: March 31, 2015, 02:09:36 PM »

yes. i am slowly coming to the realizations that a fair amount of what I would love in my relationship will most likely never be available- compassion, empathy, unconditional love, emotional stability/maturity. I do get that that is part of the disorder. I believe I can live without some of these. Its when I dont feel respected that i get angry and yearn for the things I listed...

  How does your wife react to you needing to take some time?
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takingandsending
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« Reply #13 on: April 01, 2015, 10:58:19 AM »

For a while, with my S9 and S3, she would get so dysregulated that I would have to take them with me because I didn't trust that she wouldn't emotionally abuse them while I was gone. At times, I would have to physically get between my S9 and my wife to prevent her from following him while she was enraged (he was equally enraged and has some similar behaviors). She didn't like it, but I decided to do what I needed to do for my own health.

Now, as I know a little better what is important to me (and by the way great job on identifying your first core value)

I believe I can live without some of these. Its when I dont feel respected that i get angry and yearn for the things I listed...

I notice my feelings of being disrespected or devalued much earlier, so I start my validation and disengagement much earlier, before her anger or upset gains a full head of steam. My wife still doesn't like it, she still will try to bait me to remain engaged in the cycle of upset, she sometimes will accuse me of running, of leaving her to deal with our issues, etc. but the key is to be consistent and to provide a time that you will be back. Those two things really make it more palatable. It isn't an indefinite "I'm leaving you until I decide I want to come back". It's "I am leaving to cool off. Your needs are important, and I want to talk to you about ___. I will be back in 20 minutes, and we can talk then if you want to."

Do our problems or issues get resolved? Not so much. But my mental state has improved dramatically, which allows me the space to be more available for myself, my children and even my wife. I had zero positive regard going when I came to this website. I was ready to leave. I think anought suggested the Staying or Undecided board because I was definitely undecided. Today, I have enough space that I can have some small measure of positive regard for my wife. I still love her. I think in the unusual ways of BPD, that she loves me. But I have no illusions that our relationship is limited, flawed and may never be fulfilling for me. I am working through my issues of what I can and can't accept. I don't know where it will lead me, but I know that I don't need to suffer so much anymore. We can only be responsible for our own actions and have to let the SOs  in our lives work (or not work) within their own feelings and actions.

I hope this helps. Keep going back to that wonderful feeling in you that you actually can provide a lot of the needs of compassion, empathy and unconditional love for yourself, but the key is to start fortifying your belief that you absolutely deserve and must have respectful speech, respectful action. It's how you want your child to treat his/her peers, it's how you try to treat others, and it's how you want to be treated. If that is a non-negotiable for you, then you know where you need to begin. From there, it's developing awareness of your own feelings and knowing when that need is being compromised.


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4kidz
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« Reply #14 on: April 01, 2015, 12:01:54 PM »

terrific advice takingandsending. thanks...   My uBPDw called last night for the 1st time in the 5 days shes been away. I missed the call but listened to her voice mail. She did make a point of saying that she has had her phone off the entire time shes been away, which is true. So I can deal with that. Her message almost seemed more friend to friend than wife to husband. Perhaps I am reading way too much into it. I am putting so much emphasis on what she will be like when she returns that I was almost nervous to listen to her message/tone. Again probably over thinking things...   I made a conscious decision not to call her back last night. (I honestly cant explain why.) A short time ago I called her and left her a voice mail. Before I called I felt like a little kid. Nervous about what i was going to say... Talk about anxiety! Ughh... Boy do I have allot of growing to do... .
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takingandsending
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« Reply #15 on: April 01, 2015, 04:45:28 PM »

It's okay to protect yourself emotionally. I am hard on myself - think I should be a better husband, that I should not be so sensitive to criticism, that I shouldn't judge. But those are just a lot of ways to stay in my codependent nature and allow myself to feel resentful and justified in being unhappy.

I think it is a whole lot better to protect your emotional needs, be responsible for your self, start with loving yourself. I don't blame you for not calling your wife back. You are sorting out so much. Be gentle with yourself, and keep taking small steps forward. That's most of us here have to do. Hang in there. It can get better when you start changing your own behaviors (not to imply that you haven't already done a lot).
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4kidz
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« Reply #16 on: April 02, 2015, 12:53:06 PM »

so i spoke with my uBPDw last night. her coaching seminar/program is over. We had a nice conversation ( i think).When we spoke about how the program went she was very happy. Felt totally enlightened with life. Like a new journey is to begin... All good stuff for her. One of her comments centered around her feeling that she is now at a point where she does not feel that she needs anyone to love her. She can provide all the love she needs from within herself. This was not said in a negative or threatening way at all. She then mentioned that she was seriously considering picking up and moving to California as she loves the climate and hates the cold of NY. She asked me what my thoughts were of that and my response was that she should be happy and if that was what would make her truly happy she should go for it. My response was solely based on what I thought of that possibility for HER and not US. Which she found interesting. Not sure what to make of that... .Either way she seemed to be in a much different state of mind, sort of a calm nirvana. I want nothing more for her to be happy and healthy , both mentally and physically. And I can say that honestly whether that includes me in her life or not. In a perfect world I am with her. But I have to come to the realization that that may not happen.

       Now I am just trying to focus on getting back my self esteem, self confidence. I think this scenario may push me towards doing just that. Facing different possibilities in life than what I am so used to... My work continues... .
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takingandsending
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« Reply #17 on: April 02, 2015, 05:04:23 PM »

My wife did the same thing after her last life fulfillment retreat, but she wants to move to Hawaii. She first stated it as, I am moving there - don't have a timeline, hope you come along. No thought for me or our young kids. When I wished her well and didn't jump aboard, she has backed off over the past couple of months. I don't care if she goes, but she's not taking the kids out of their comfort, friends and life because she's convinces that BPD won't follow her. To my wife's credit, she has asked me to see the area that she wants to live and see if I agree in making it a goal. But that did not happen right away. It took me holding my ground that I wasn't going to up and leave on her whim to get that far.

Not to be too pessimistic, but observe how long your wife can hold her ground with being able to fulfill all of her needs with self-love. That is the nature of a retreat - they are wonderful departures from our daily grind, but it is how well we apply the things that we learned to our daily grind that make the difference.
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« Reply #18 on: April 04, 2015, 09:46:55 AM »

Hi 4kidz,

so i spoke with my uBPDw last night. her coaching seminar/program is over. We had a nice conversation ( i think).When we spoke about how the program went she was very happy. Felt totally enlightened with life. Like a new journey is to begin... All good stuff for her. One of her comments centered around her feeling that she is now at a point where she does not feel that she needs anyone to love her. She can provide all the love she needs from within herself. This was not said in a negative or threatening way at all. She then mentioned that she was seriously considering picking up and moving to California as she loves the climate and hates the cold of NY. She asked me what my thoughts were of that and my response was that she should be happy and if that was what would make her truly happy she should go for it. My response was solely based on what I thought of that possibility for HER and not US. Which she found interesting. Not sure what to make of that... .Either way she seemed to be in a much different state of mind, sort of a calm nirvana. I want nothing more for her to be happy and healthy , both mentally and physically. And I can say that honestly whether that includes me in her life or not. In a perfect world I am with her. But I have to come to the realization that that may not happen.

       Now I am just trying to focus on getting back my self esteem, self confidence. I think this scenario may push me towards doing just that. Facing different possibilities in life than what I am so used to... My work continues... .

a temporary separation e.g. through an individual trip can be very helpful to reset perspective and re-establish basic respect / boundaries. All good for you  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post). I would not give - at this point in time - much on anything she proclaims. It is quite common - even among healthy people - to go to an event and become totally excited. It is quite hard to sustain that in real life. With the excitability of a pwBPD and their struggle to maintain course over time... .

Working on yourself sounds like a plan that is likely to be put in place and bear fruits  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Happy Easter,

a0
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4kidz
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« Reply #19 on: April 06, 2015, 02:09:14 PM »

thank you both for your insight... Appreciated and agreed with...  

    Latest news is that we had a long conversation early this morning. ( she only returned home very late last night). Started off with her voicing concerns over my not staying awake until she got home. There were certainly reasons for this that I wont get into. Anyway, the conversation while concerning during times did seem to end on a somewhat positive note. We spoke during the workday today and seemed to continue with positive vibes. Time will tell whether this continues or not. ;Lots of work to be done by both of us. Fingers crossed... .
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