Response to most questions is "I don't know."

[psynp33]

My GF responds to most questions with "I don't know."

These include questions about her feelings, opinions, and dinner/travel preferences.

I have said it's okay if she doesn't "know," but even a guess, speculation or inkling would be helpful.

Later, she will complain that I don't take her to the right places or do enough for her.

She then states her ex's take her to more expensive places and buy her gifts.

In response to my query of what makes her feel cared for in a relationship, she stated: "I will never tell you what I want. Then it's not as special if I have to tell you. If you love me, then you'll do your best and you'll know what I want."

Unfortunately, I responded by expressing my inability to mindread and history of guessing what she wants incorrectly with the resulting frustration and anger on her part for my getting it wrong. She became quite upset and told me I wasn't a man, had no character, was immature and lacked knowledge of how to treat a woman. I left and a few hours later she called to say she doesn't want to fight, before proceeding to blame me for all our problems.

"If you don't want me to be angry, don't give me something to be angry about."

Questions:

(1) Could saying "I don't know" to most questions be power play?

(2) Is it reasonable to expect a partner to mindread what one wants/needs in a relationship?

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[Infern0]

When they say they don't know in my opinion it's actually true.

Bpd have lower cognitive function there isn't a whole lot that makes any sense rolling around in their heads.  Decision making is not for them. Largely they are followers not leaders.

[JohnLove]

I concur with Infern0, it's usually true. I will add it is most often directly linked to a very poor sense of self. She doesn't know what she wants but is expecting you to know.  

How does choosing dishes off the menu go?... .my bet is she can be "difficult" on that simple task.

(1) And yeah, it is often twisted further into a power play as you suspect. pwBPD can be very controlling. It is controlling behaviour.

(2) No it is NOT reasonable to believe a regular human has some kind of psychic ability. On balance if you are attentive and listen to your intimate partner you will know what they like and often what they may need. If you are unable to pick this up on that (for whatever reason) then those needs have to be expressed to you or conveyed at the least.

[Infern0]

PwBPD are just flat out awful communicators.  Especially at any stage that isn't idealisation.  Low object constancy doesn't help.  It's a ___ty situation because they lack the ability to sit and actually think about things so everything is done on an impulsive whim.

[OffRoad]

"I don't know" could mean she really doesn't know. It could also mean "I don't want to have to decide." or "I don't want to tell you in case your reaction would make me feel bad." or " I haven't asked anyone else so I don't know what my opinion should be." My H does this-waits until he knows what a "proper" answer should be. He often has no real opinions that are his own.

No, it is not reasonable to expect a partner to be a mind reader. But if you are with a pwBPD, all bets are off on reasonable. It's a relative term.

Her ex's TAKE her to her to more expensive places and buy her gifts? As in STILL? Or they did? Mostly moot, because you can't know if they did or didn't unless you see it. One guy I went out with (briefly) talked on and on about how great his last girlfriend was. I found out from his sister that they were never bf/gf. It was only in his mind. Just something to think about.

When I hear a pwBPD say they were taken to more expensive places and bought gifts, it means (to me) that they want to GO to more expensive places and to get gifts (see no real mind reading, just reading between the lines).

You may or may not be the sharpest tack in the box regarding how to treat women. That will be up to you to research and improve upon if needed. But I'm fairly sure being a mind reader is not a requirement to being a good boyfriend.

[psynp33]

This is incredibly valuable feedback!

Thanks

[psynp33]

"Her ex's TAKE her to her to more expensive places and buy her gifts? As in STILL?"

yes, her ex's still buy her things and take her out.

[hellosun]

I assume that the whole expecting your partner to be a mindreader thing is pretty common for pwBPD. Hilariously, my husband with uBPD used to expect me to know that he wanted x, y, or z, even if he had directly told me he did not.   

I'm not a very perceptive person. He is much more perceptive than I am. When he finally realised that I couldn't tell exactly what he was feeling in any given moment, he was baffled. I'm not sure if I'm slightly below average functioning in this regard, but even so, this seems to be an unrealistic expectation.

Is my husband capable of communicating his needs/wants/whims verbally? Sometimes, but often what he wants is more about his feelings than actually about the particular object or whatever. And he has trouble recognising that in the moment.

He may say he wants X from me, and gets upset when I don't get him X, even if I have a good reason for not doing so. He is upset because he percieves that I do not care enough about him to respond to his need for X, against all obstacles. It's about whether I can be trusted to take care of him, as strange as that is for me to understand. If I can reassure him that he can trust me with his desires and feelings, then X is usually forgotten, or at least becomes less essential.

I think your GF is communicating what she wants, as sees it in the moment (to be surprised by something you knew she would like). But perhaps there are some deeper emotional fears or anxieties that are driving her somewhat unreasonable request.

That doesn't mean she is going to be able to express those deeper emotions, though. She seems to be better at expressing insults. Might be a good idea to not expose yourself to verbal abuse from her. I think Lesson #4 has strategies for communicating that you do not tollerate insults, etc.

Just trying to make sense of what seems like complete craziness.

[vortex of confusion]

Later, she will complain that I don't take her to the right places or do enough for her.

She then states her ex's take her to more expensive places and buy her gifts.

That sounds a bit like triangulation. She is pitting you against them so that you are in competition with them. It puts her in a one up position.

In response to my query of what makes her feel cared for in a relationship, she stated: "I will never tell you what I want. Then it's not as special if I have to tell you. If you love me, then you'll do your best and you'll know what I want."

That isn't cool. There is a big difference between wanting to know a person's love language and wanting a shopping list of things to buy or do. A lot of people recommend the love languages quiz. We have been married almost 17 years and we have both taken the Love Languages test to see what our primary love languages are. Would it be possible for the two of you to do that in a fun kind of way? That sounds abusive to me.

(1) Could saying "I don't know" to most questions be power play?

It could be a power play, it could be laziness, or it could be that she really doesn't know what she wants/feels/thinks at any given moment. Saying "I don't know" gives her power because it puts you in a position to guess or figure it out for yourself. And, if you guess wrong, then you get to be the jerk.

If a person isn't invested in the relationship, they could resort to using "I don't know" as a ploy to get out of being vulnerable and sharing with the other person. "I don't know" is a great way to dismiss somebody that you are trying to string along. I am not saying that is the case. It is a possibility.

And she could just be a bit clueless and out of tune with her own feelings. If somebody doesn't have much self awareness, it is going to be more difficult to talk about some things and "I don't know" is the honest answer.

(2) Is it reasonable to expect a partner to mindread what one wants/needs in a relationship?

NO! It is not reasonable at all. There needs to be real communication in a relationship. Mind reading is NOT real communication.

Somebody else mentioned reading between the lines. Is it possible that she has passive/aggressively told you what she wanted but you didn't pick up on it? I don't pick up on stuff when people are being passive/aggressive either. If a person is not being direct, it is very difficult to figure things out.

[an0ught]

Hi psynp33,

I don't know how to help here  

Seriously I lack some details so I feel anxious to tell you what is going on. Anxiety due to lack of clarity - and remember clear is only black and white - is very, very common in pwBPD.

Then I also feel anxious to tell you what I really think is going on as I don't know how you would react to it.

I can't tell you more here as I feel anxious and this blocks me totally.

I can't really make a decision what to tell you as my emotions are too loud and all over the place and emotions are a big part of decision making.

But we have been in a longer relationship - after all you have 6 posts here - so you know what I mean  

Happy Easter,

a0