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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Getting used to 50/50 custody?  (Read 456 times)
Their Dad

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« on: March 27, 2015, 11:19:09 PM »

Hello,

We have a 50/50 arrangement with our children and I am having a difficult time getting accustomed to not seeing them half the time.   It's especially hard on my kid free weekends as its a 3 1/2 day stretch between Friday morning and Monday afternoon when I see them again.  I miss not having them in my life 100% of the time.  I'm certain my uBPDstbxw takes pleasure in knowing that I miss them.  I should be thankful her attempt to make me an everyother weekend Dad failed.  But this is tough to get accustomed to.  (It's been 3 1/2 months.)

Any suggestions?

Thank you very much.
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Mutt
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« Reply #1 on: March 27, 2015, 11:58:52 PM »

Hi Their Dad,

I'm sorry to hear that. I can relate. I was used to having my kids all of the time when I was with my ex partner. The kids were home early morning when I left for work and I'd see them after work.  I found adjusting to 50/50 hard. At 3 1/2 months the evenings I dropped off the kids were really hard. I think what I missed most was all of the commotion and then the house felt still, all of their toys were just laying there. I felt anxious and missed them. It took me several months to get adjusted and settled into a routine.

How are the kids adjusting to two homes?
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love2give
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« Reply #2 on: March 28, 2015, 07:26:15 AM »

Through out my marriage, which was never a healthy one, my ex BPDw would warn me that if I ever left her I would not see my children (2).   For so many years this kept me in the marriage as my children were and still are my world.  I am a very involved father, coaching their soccer and hockey teams, family vacations twice a year and rushing home after work just for the excitement of spending time with them.

As the kids got older, 13 and 8, the disagreements affected them much more.  They would have trouble getting to sleep.  I remember when I would tuck my daughter in to bed she would whisper in fear ":)ad please don't argue with mom tonight".  I realized that in order for these children to have a chance at a decent emotional life, change was needed.  Countless couple therapy sessions didn't help as every single issue raised was ONLY my fault yet she wanted to stay together as she "didn't believe in divorce".

I decided to get personal therapy to over come this fear of losing my kids if I left her.  Many of my friends as well as my therapist would point out that being a person who doesn't drink alcohol, doesn't smoke, has had a full time job for all of my adult life ect there is no way the courts would keep the kids away from me if it got down to that point.  Well DID IT EVER.

How does a sick human being and her very experienced lawyer go about taking a loving father away from her children?  Accuse him of sexual misconduct with his young daughter, accuse him of 20 years of abuse against her, accuse him of "never spending a day with his children since the day they were born", accuse him of being racist against every nationality and language other than his own, and the list goes on and on.  35 pages of FILTH handed over to the judge in divorce court.

The judge, not knowing me at all, and the courts in general being biased toward the mother decided these kids should be kept away until further information on this family is verified.  What is also known in the court system is that once a certain custody is given in divorce court, if the children are doing ok it is very very difficult to change so this worked out exactly according to plan for her.

Im sorry as this is getting long so I will get to my point.  After 3 full years and over $100K on lawyers and expert fees and most importantly my daughter having a right to choose 50/50 custody at the age of 16, I now have my children in a shared custody arrangement.

Look at the positives of shared custody.  Yes you see them half the time but it is EXCELLENT time with them.  They don't have to worry about hearing arguments and drama but instead enjoy the love, peace and happiness that you can provide them.  The week that you do not have them spend it recharging your batteries and planning the following week when they return.  Just be a super positive influence on them and that will make It all worth while.  You must stay positive when they are not with you and believe me, if you are providing them the love and happiness they crave when you have them with you, they do not just forget dad when they are with her.  My kids count down the days as my ex is just not a happy person and the kids sense that.

Be strong, stay positive.  Your kids and yourself will be fine Smiling (click to insert in post)
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whirlpoollife
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« Reply #3 on: March 29, 2015, 11:09:31 PM »

It's very difficult at first. Kids not there felt like a piece of my body got cut off and tossed away.  I didn't know what to do, I was like numb.

Kids dad calls the kids when they are with me, up to three x's each, each day. Can you talk to them? If they don't talk much back, because of mom there, maybe read to them over the phone. 

I have three long weekends with out them, Thurs night to Monday night, so I found a job  that's on the weekends. 

But with some free time, I would put on some music , have a drink,

and go  though pictures and put some scrap booking books together of the kids. Guys can do that too. Box store has lots of supplies.  That can make you miss them more right now, but well worth it.

I took myself to go out, to a movie , or find someplace to listen to a band/music, zoos .

Paint walls.( My house needs a lot of work. )

I bake something to have ready for the kids when they return.  Small stuff like  that made me feel like I was doing something for them even though they weren't there.

It doesn't really get easier we  adapt to it. You will too in time.



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"Courage is when you know your're licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what." ~ Harper Lee
Turkish
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« Reply #4 on: March 29, 2015, 11:55:53 PM »

I'm so sorry, TD... .

I'm left in the home I bought for my family 3 years before their mom left. It's a small house (my Ex made it known to me that her new 2 bedroom apt had slightly more square footage), but it's where we all were, even if Mommy slept on the couch for the last 4 months she lived here.

The echoes (tile and laminate, it echoes), the kids' toys, doing their laundry when they're not here... .  :'(

I felt like I was the primary parents for months before she moved out. Even when she wasn't spending time with her beau, she would often go out to do other things. The first week was the hardest, a shock. It took me many months to feel differently, especially on weekends (we are 3-2-2-3). It took a year for D2 to start missing her mom, which is so messed up. She's been saying, "I miss mommy, I want mommy," most nights when I dress her after their bath. I realized she was looking at a picture on the wall of us with S5 as a baby. A few times she said, "I want that!" Double whammy.

Time by itself doesn't heal all wounds, but it helps, like a forced radical acceptance. I've been thinking this week, "their mother robbed me of literally years with our kids due to some random idiot she met at a club when she should have been home with us." I got angry, and I'm angry writing that.

As sad and perhaps pathetic as it is, these are our new realities. The upside is that we can be ourselves with our children, not being burdened with parenting an adult child at the same time anymore.

I was hiking with the kids this weekend. I found a new wilderness park over a year ago. I go there also on weekends without the kids. I was thinking, "their mom would love it here. Maybe I should invite her at some point." Then I thought, "same dynamic: she'll complain about this or that, project her anxieties, and try to control things rather than let me be me, and the kids be kids." She used to complain that the kids were scared on the kiddie swing. I quickly broke them of that and they complain that I can't push them high enough.

I took the kids on a windy back road. Their mom hated that (I have a sporty turbo car). I asked S5 in the back seat, "how is it going, are you ok?" He replied, "I'm ok daddy, I like looking at the mountains." Good Boy! D2 had fallen asleep, windy road notwithstanding. No mommy anxieties or complaints (or silent treatments) to deal with.

The off weekends were tough at first, but it's good to get into self-care,.whatever that means to you. A drive. A hike. A movie. Volunteer work, connecting with people. Those are mine.
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« Reply #5 on: March 30, 2015, 11:15:42 AM »

sorry their dad,

I feel your pain.   My husband has 50:50 and I have 95% custody.  We have 2 kids each.  The 50:50 is a struggle for those dealing with co-parents nightmares.   My husband deals with this.   But when you describe how hard it is when they are gone please remember it has only been 3.5 months.  Those feelings will get better over time.  You will learn to enjoy not only your time with the kids but also the time away from them.   Just make sure you stay on top with communication.   Mom's are often by nature bigger communicators BUT that doesn't mean better communicators.  Especial BPD co-parents.   Make sure the kids feel comfortable communicating with you and that you keep their communications private. It is a normal co-parent situation to share emotions/feelings of the kids for the cooperative betterment.   Sometimes people with BPD will implant ideas and in our case even force the kids to keep secrets.  My husband's x wife alienates and is like that character from the Terminator - once you think you have stopped her... .she is BACK!      

BOUNDARIES!  :)on't let her emotionally stir up your children on YOUR TIME.    Keep her away from your home on your time.   Watch the secret phone calls and texts.    Go to her directly and put her in her place becuz she may put the kids in the middle as part of her strategy to cause disruption at your home.   Also, if the kids say something wierd... .TALK IT THROUGH.   My husband ignored the subtle comments and when you ignore you may as well say to the kids that what she says is the truth.    Make sure to correct and misconceptions she plants in their heads and do it without bashing her.    

This is really new but I would suggest some fun day trips when the kids are with you & start to make some friends on your own with divorced/single dads.  IDK how old your kids are.  What I will tell you that as easy as you make the transitions back and forth for them and anticipate and crazy stunts she may pull... .the better off you will be.   Kids like happy & peaceful homes and as long as you can keep your x from getting IN to your home early on... .establish this right away... .key to success!    

Good luck & sorry for the pain.  Life will get better.   You will see.  
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livednlearned
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« Reply #6 on: March 30, 2015, 11:48:43 AM »

Ooof. These feelings can be so intense. I'm sorry, Their Dad. It is hard, and sad, and the quiet when they are not there can be so loud.

Holidays can be very hard, especially the first Christmas. A friend came to stay with me, we both knew I would be struggling. It helped having her there, and I learned to prepare for the feelings and accept that the holidays would be hard. They were hard in the marriage, too, but in a different way.

What are you doing to take care of yourself? How are you spending the time when you feel down?

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Breathe.
Their Dad

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« Reply #7 on: March 31, 2015, 01:28:50 AM »

I was hiking with the kids this weekend. I found a new wilderness park over a year ago. I go there also on weekends without the kids. I was thinking, "their mom would love it here. Maybe I should invite her at some point." Then I thought, "same dynamic: she'll complain about this or that, project her anxieties, and try to control things rather than let me be me, and the kids be kids." She used to complain that the kids were scared on the kiddie swing. I quickly broke them of that and they complain that I can't push them high enough.

I took the kids on a windy back road. Their mom hated that (I have a sporty turbo car). I asked S5 in the back seat, "how is it going, are you ok?" He replied, "I'm ok daddy, I like looking at the mountains." Good Boy! D2 had fallen asleep, windy road notwithstanding. No mommy anxieties or complaints (or silent treatments) to deal with.

The off weekends were tough at first, but it's good to get into self-care,.whatever that means to you. A drive. A hike. A movie. Volunteer work, connecting with people. Those are mine.

Wow. This hit the nail on the head in so many ways.  I will elaborate later.  (My phone is about to run out.)

Thank you Turkish.
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highroadstepmom

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« Reply #8 on: May 21, 2015, 02:34:52 PM »

Their Dad,

Four years after judge agreed to a 50/50 2/2/3 schedule for my husband's children, I can tell you the kids transition is fine from their mom's house to our house. I hope it's true in the reverse too. They get our rules and boundaries and can settle in to our routines. We eat dinner together, do homework, have some screen time and read. It takes time.

I think the main thing for us was to set up some age appropriate routines and expectations for them. We also enforced "mom's house, mom's rules; dad's house, dad's rules". they know they are far more likely to get McDonalds when with mom and more likely to get a favorite meal cooked by dad for them at dad's house. They get the differences and look forward to the things each parent offers that the other doesn't. Develop your rituals for arriving home, dinner, bed time. They will learn what to expect when they come to your house and look forward to it.

Do we think rules are lax at mom's? yup. But, mom's house, mom's rules.
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