Bad day - please help keep me in check

[simpleman]

Hi All,

First off I have to say that I am SO GRATEFUL for the support I have received here.  You are all great and have taken me a long way in the healing process.

I left my exBPDgf 10 days ago. Since then I have spent my time feeling guilt and sadness for the fact that I cannot be with her and show her the love she deserves. I'm a big time rescuer.

But today I have taken a weird turn. I am super angry, frustrated, agitated, with this I don't give a dang attitude. Not like me.  I'm not so much angry at her - I think I am too early in the grieving process to go there.

I'm angry because I don't ask for much in life and now the life we had planned together and the plan I had to help her with her illness have been ripped away.  It's just not right. We both deserve what we wanted together. 

It's weird, I want to contact her so badly to let her know how I feel even though I know in this state of mind that would be really bad. I have been as NC as possible but we work together. Still there has been no personal discussions there as we are ignoring each other.  I havent looked at her Facebook profile since the breakup but want to hoping that I will see something that will make me like her less so I'm not missing out. I want to not love her any more because I feel so angry for the reasons above. Its like I just DONT CARE if it breaks NC.

This is so not like me. Its freaking me out.

Thoughts? 

Thanks so much.

[jhkbuzz]

Hi All,

First off I have to say that I am SO GRATEFUL for the support I have received here.  You are all great and have taken me a long way in the healing process.

I left my exBPDgf 10 days ago. Since then I have spent my time feeling guilt and sadness for the fact that I cannot be with her and show her the love she deserves. I'm a big time rescuer.

But today I have taken a weird turn. I am super angry, frustrated, agitated, with this I don't give a dang attitude. Not like me.  I'm not so much angry at her - I think I am too early in the grieving process to go there.

I'm angry because I don't ask for much in life and now the life we had planned together and the plan I had to help her with her illness have been ripped away.  It's just not right. We both deserve what we wanted together. 

It's weird, I want to contact her so badly to let her know how I feel even though I know in this state of mind that would be really bad. I have been as NC as possible but we work together. Still there has been no personal discussions there as we are ignoring each other.  I havent looked at her Facebook profile since the breakup but want to hoping that I will see something that will make me like her less so I'm not missing out. I want to not love her any more because I feel so angry for the reasons above. Its like I just DONT CARE if it breaks NC.

This is so not like me. Its freaking me out.

Thoughts? 

Thanks so much.

Your feelings are COMPLETELY NORMAL and actually a very good sign.  Anger IS one of the stages of grief, and this is not the last time you will feel angry.  Allow yourself to experience all the stages - they are necessary for your healing.

Unfortunately, contacting your ex and blasting away will probably cause more pain for YOU by the time it's all over.  Have you considered sitting down and writing a letter - not to send, just to get it all out?

Are you seeing a therapist?

[simpleman]

Thanks jhk.

Man even the thought of writing a letter gets me very emotional. I think it means more finality to the relationship and I must still be holding on to some last shread of hope that we can be together.  Thanks for waking that up in me. I dont know if I have the strength right now to do that.

I am seeing a therapist. She is so good and is seeing me 2x a weeks as long as I need.

[jhkbuzz]

Thanks jhk.

Man even the thought of writing a letter gets me very emotional. I think it means more finality to the relationship and I must still be holding on to some last shread of hope that we can be together.  Thanks for waking that up in me. I dont know if I have the strength right now to do that.

I am seeing a therapist. She is so good and is seeing me 2x a weeks as long as I need.

That's called "malignant hope" - and it's malignant because you somehow believe that the very person who is causing pain in your life can also relieve your pain and make you happy.  It's not possible, but I understand - I was in that place too.  We all were.

No rush on the letter - but when you do it, it might take you days, and you might bawl your eyes out the entire time.  That's okay   it's important to get it all out.

I'm glad you're seeing a T - mine has really helped in terms of my own growth.