Losing my patience under enormous stress

[nodoover]

Hi, things have been better so I haven't been on boards for awhile.  We had our moments but no major raging until the last few weeks.

We moved here to retire early 10 years ago in the mountains.  I love it here, found friends, gym, bookclub, part time job, etc but h has gone from job to job after he retired having excuses for quitting all of them, some I agree with until 2 1/2 years ago he stopped and just stays home bored.  He hasn't made any friends because he will get so angry talking about anything, the country, the town... .

He can be a super nice funny guy but I never know who I am taking out with me to go be with another couple and from the bad times people have stopped asking us. I go alone now most of the time to happy hour with my friends, which isn't very often.

For the past few years taking care of the acre is too much for him, the property tax has gone up and retirement has not so he has worked on me until I finally agreed to move to a smaller house back closer to our kids 4 hours away instead of 2 states away.

We built this one and it is our dream house but we still have loan on it.  I agreed mostly for him to take some stress off but the last few months my anxiety and grieving I have lost my patience I normally would have for Mike's condition.

I am easily triggered by him now, we fight a lot and he has gone back to rages when stuff breaks or needs fixing and costs money.

House goes on the market next week and the whole reason I fought to do this was worried if we could make it through another move, the last 2 just about did us in.  We had sold our house and then lived in apartment while waiting until he could retire.

I am in therapy, my counselor says I am grieving and going back and forth from sadness to anger.

H won't go back to counselor says its a waste of time and same with meds he won't try that again.

He is pretty high functioning most of the time except when highly stressed like this.  Times like this he can snap easy and since I am over tired and stressed I am not helping I know.

Thank god for my counselor or friends because I can't vent to my husband.  One thing about living with someone with BPD you feel like you don't have someone to vent to in the relationship.  I have found that if I vent my problems about either work or worried about my kids it triggers him.  Its hard not to feel frustrated or cheated by that.

I sure didn't have a clue what his problem was when we married, I just figured it out about 3 years ago.

Some days I feel like I am on the edge of losing it myself.  I just hope the house sells fast so this isn't drawn out, but this is a small town so who knows?  A tourist town though so that helps.

For years I was real good about walking patiently away when he would start a rage or angry tirade but now I feel weak and a lot of the things he attacks me with are true so its hard for me to leave.  I have said a few times you are right, I am upset now and did that but it doesn't mean I have to listen to you rage.

Any other tips on what I can do in this highly aroused state to stay sane until we move?

The other day I triggered a rage because I had put a bunch of stuff on a counter I was going to sort and pack and while I was gone he did it for me getting rid of some stuff.  I asked him where it was and before I could explain that I wanted to go through it myself to make decision what to keep he started raging about me not trusting him to know what to keep.

He showed me a box he put some of it in but I don't know all he through away and it made me angry I had to keep quiet and could say nothing to ask where he put the rest as he was already raging and I felt like I had to calm it down.

I found myself thinking I don't need any stuff just let him throw it all away, then thinking that isn't right.  Realistically he isn't throwing all my stuff away but I wanted to be able to decide my stuff.

In the past I would wait until things calm down and talk to him about my feelings but there doesn't seem to be any super calm times and when they happen the last thing I want to do is bring up anything to change that.

Just having a tough time and it will stay tough until we move. 

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[believer55]

Hi Nodoover

Thanks for sharing and I am glad you did. I too have been off the boards as udhwBPD has been managing much better - controlling rages and talking them through. Last night I too lost my temper after he went back to old ways. Why do you think even when we have had a reprise we can be triggered ourselves so quickly? I am in the situation where h is taking meds and seeing someone once a fortnight so is actively working on his behaviours. I feel for you the you are at a time in your life where you should be settling down to some peace and quiet and h is acting out again.

Just know you are not alone and keep sharing... .how are you feeling today? I am seing a counsellor and she has been talking to me about looking after myself and protecting myself and my 2 nearly teen kids. The problem is that takes energy and can be lonely.

Hugs for today... .

[nodoover]

Thank you for asking, I had busy day at work and came home to finish straightening up for photographer coming tomorrow.

We almost both lost it because he called and said can I do it now?  We still had a ton of things to do before 5:30 pm time tomorrow.  I don't know why people think it's ok to ask in a manipulative way saying it's ok if you can't but you hear in their voice they are hoping you say yes.

I could see h freaking out behind me as I was talking, I told him we couldn't do it today but left me feeling weird.

Right now I have almost everything done and resting.  Mentally I am good right now.  I so want to tell everyone leave me alone, don't ask a thing! 

[an0ught]

Hi nodoover,

For years I was real good about walking patiently away when he would start a rage or angry tirade but now I feel weak and a lot of the things he attacks me with are true so its hard for me to leave.  I have said a few times you are right, I am upset now and did that but it doesn't mean I have to listen to you rage.

he knows you well so he knows what words to choose to maximize impact.  PwBPD are masters in invalidating others

Often the way this game works is that the pwBPD chooses stuff for emotional impact. When it is untrue one may be disputing the facts (and have a fight over them). When the stuff is true but still hurts what to do?

a) you are feeling hurt and you have every right to protect yourself in a peaceful manner. Boundaries are not fighting tools but are means for self protection. You feel for whatever reason that you need space - take it!

b) step of the logical level and go down to the emotional level. Imagine a communication consisting of two levels - one logical/fact oriented - one emotional/feeling oriented. Just because he e.g. starts talking finances to evoke guilt you don't have to respond with financial facts but e.g. validate feeling stressed about money or even further away validate that life is hard for him. Voicing emotions thrown at us is often a good way to disarm them, getting less hurt and throwing them back is often a good way to decrease them at the origin.