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Author Topic: adoption in progress for BPDw  (Read 363 times)
emergent
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 85



« on: March 31, 2015, 02:08:26 PM »

I'm not sure where to post this. I'm usually over at Undecided: Staying or Leaving, but this is all about the kids, so I thought you folks might have some helpful advice.

I am in a lesbian coparenting situation, as the biological mother of two kids (age 7 and 5) that were planned with my uBPDw after we were married. We live in France, where the laws are just changing, and for the moment I am the sole legal parent of these children. We have started the process of legal adoption for uBPDw, but it can take a very long time, maybe a year or more. I am undecided about staying or leaving (as mentioned), because of the enormous energy expenditure required to deal with the BPD, and all the negativity the children are growing up in the midst of. Staying is an option I consider and live with because of a number of reasons, my own insecurity being high on the list, as well as my (possibly disproportionate) respect for BPDw and all she has done for me. I have been very open about my torn feelings with uBPDw (have tried, but my feelings are not what we end up talking about), and she has prohibited me from leaving until she has legal custody of the kids.

I feel like she's right to demand that. If we were a straight couple, or if we still lived in Canada where we got married, she'd be a legal parent. I feel like it would be capitalizing on this society's heretofore unjust discrimination to leave with the kids now. It seems such a selfish move to make. She has invested a lot in them, and while it's not always a positive outcome, she really does love them and they really do love her. I have said I would never leave and take them to live in Canada, my home country (BPDw is French but has Canadian citizenship). It feels like that would be morally wrong, and the distant separation from BPDw is not really something I would wish on the kids, nor on BPDw.

I've always said that I don't care what status we have on paper; what matters is our actual day-to-day life. BPDw decided to have children (with my encouragement , and she acts like a parent, I'd even say a very devoted (though misguided) parent. Therefore, she is my children's mother.

But I wonder sometimes, could I not save myself and my kids decades of strife by just ending the adoption process? Even in terms of right now, it is very tempting. While I am doing all I can to make a decision between staying or leaving, if I decided to leave I would not be able to. I can not really talk to many people about our r/s problems. Stuck in a fake loving marriage so that when they come to study our home and interrogate our friends and family, it looks like a good, happy place for kids to grow up. These days I am noticing D7's tendencies toward violence of the psychological kind, and S5's destructive tendencies have been noticeable for some time. I'm afraid they are being shaped in the wrong kind of mold, and while they are both truly loving and warm people, sweethearts, their potential for kindness and their chances of being happy are getting suffocated. And then there are all the years post-divorce, with all the complications you know more about than I do... .

Knowing all you know, co-parenting as you do with a BPD spouse or ex, what would you do?
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livednlearned
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Relationship status: Married
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« Reply #1 on: March 31, 2015, 02:30:44 PM »

Hi emergent,

Welcome to the Coparenting board! I respect how much you are working through this based on your values, about what you feel is fair, and moral. It's good that you're coming to terms with the choice to stay or leave with senior members and peers on the Undecided board. It's a hard choice.

We do have a conversation on bpdfamily that might help you:

PERSPECTIVES: Is it better for the kids if I stay or leave?

There have been studies that show that kids who grow up in divorced homes have more problems in life than kids whose parents stay together. Would having a BPD/NPD parent (or other abusive parent) change this outlook? If you leave, do you think your kids have been harmed by the friction between you and the ex? Would things be better for your kids living in a two-parent home situation? If you are the father, do you believe that leaving your marriage means leaving your kids?

Other members on this board, and on Family Law, have talked about the benefits of reading The Borderline Mother by Christina Lawson. This is a well-researched book, a bit on the academic side, but very dense with clinically supported information about the effects of having a BPD mother (assuming untreated).

You mention that your BPDw is very devoted and misguided as a parent. This could be putting it lightly depending on your own tolerance for conflict. Many non-disordered spouses grew up in homes where a family member was BPD, or a similar type of invalidating environment. It is easy to accept abusive behavior if we have not come to terms with what healthy looks like, and we then pass this legacy on to our kids.

Every person with BPD is different. Some are outwardly acting, some are inwardly acting. Some are diagnosed and in and out of treatment, others are convinced we are the crazy pots and will not set foot in a therapists office. There are sub-types (waif, hermit, witch, queen). And I think a lot depends on our own skill level managing the abuse. Some people are skilled at this, while others don't have the inclination.

Our own kids and their emotional resilience matters too. My son seems to have the genetic predisposition that makes him highly sensitive like his dad. He was imploding. I left the marriage because he was talking about not wanting to live at age 9 and my ex's reaction would surely make things worse. Not to mention the abuse I was no longer able to manage.

I will say one thing about having children and being entangled with the legal system. It is the 8th circle of hell. I'm in the US, and don't know the laws in France. But it's hard to imagine any system is helpful if it does not have a sophisticated understanding of mental illness.

Trying to get my son the mental health services he needed through the court system was the most soul crushing experience I have been through. The cost, the slow pace, the triggering effect of the court system on my ex, the helplessness.

Any advice I could offer comes through that lens. It is this way for many members here. If you are seeing signs of emotional distress in your kids, take into account that you will not be able to swiftly solve their problems like a normal parent. Again, this depends on whether your wife is high or low functioning, and how her traits are expressed. But if she is like many BPD parents discussed on this board, you will find yourself rendered helpless by the legal system.

I could not allow my ex to stop my son from getting the services he needed -- it would be like letting my son walk off a cliff. Because of the way the legal system works, the only options were black or white, just like BPD. Either he was in my son's life and wreaking havoc, or out completely. And because of the way the system works, if I offer access, then he can go back to court and show that I must trust him. We are fully triangulated by the court system.  :'(

You are wise to think this through carefully.
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