SPLITTING

[lillian2005]

My future fiance is having another dis-regulation splitting moment again where he is accusing me of lying, before he started arguing with me he has anxiety and he said it was for no reason but its from me. and then he picks on something stupid and causes an argument over it. and as usual his conclusion to the fight is that he'll make a decision whether he is going to continue this relationship or not. I'm so sick of this dis-regulating cycle his options are always to break up, but i always beg him back, i don't think i have the energy this time to beg him back and i don't know if its a good idea because i feel like when i do his splittings are going to happen again within 5 days, Iv noticed every 4 to 5 days he creates chaos in our relationship. For once id like to see him beg me back but don't think that will ever happen because he perceives himself as the victim. I honestly don't understand him i even told him 'you have two personalities' because one day his soo happy and over the moon and loves me so much and the next he just hates me and starts blaming me for everything. This relationship can never be at peace, when we are together we are so happy and having a laugh and getting along, its like do you forget those moments? Do they even cross his mind. I asked him are you happy in the relationship? do i make you happy? he said yes. So i said then why are you starting a pointless argument and turning it into a possible break up. His answer is ' because you lied to me again and again and again'


I really wants to try something new but need opinion, this time i don't want to beg him back. Would this make him still run back after i make no effort in keeping him? or will he stick to his words?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[vortex of confusion]

How much of the lessons have you read? Before deciding on anything, it is helpful to try to grip on exactly what BPD is and how it can manifest in your partner.

Do you know what it is that you are supposed to have lied about?

My husband has accused me of things and gotten really goofy and I didn't have a clue about what was going on until much later. It was like putting the pieces of a puzzle together. Once I got all of the information, then what he was saying and doing made a whole lot more sense.

There is a phrase that FormFlier recommends using and that is "Help me understand. . ." Tell him something along the lines of "Help me understand what it is that I have lied about." Acknowledge that he thinks you lied. (Very different than admitting that you lied.) The communication tools might be helpful. There is one called SET (support, empathy, truth) that might be helpful. You can read more here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913190#msg913190

And, remember NOT to JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain)! That one is easier said than done because it is natural to want to defend yourself against what feels like a personal attack. The problem with JADE is that when you start explaining yourself, it usually ends up in a downward spiral that feeds the negativity. Plus, the more you say, the easier it is for them to twist what you say.

[lillian2005]

I have been reading 'Stop walking on egg shells' and it helped me understand what he is going through and how his BPD traits causes all this, Iv read alot of articles and helped me understand that he thinks differently then we do and feels differently.

He thinks i lied about my dress code, were I'v told him i don't wear very revealing clothes, and i had a photo of wearing a revealing short dress but i told him i was going to a girls party with girls only. And he reckons i lied because he said that i said I'V NEVER WORN REVEALING. But i know i must've said ill never wear it and i meant in public places and functions that has men there.

[vortex of confusion]

He thinks i lied about my dress code, were I'v told him i don't wear very revealing clothes, and i had a photo of wearing a revealing short dress but i told him i was going to a girls party with girls only. And he reckons i lied because he said that i said I'V NEVER WORN REVEALING. But i know i must've said ill never wear it and i meant in public places and functions that has men there.

Can you give a little more background information about this situation?

Is this a personal dress code or a dress code for work?

I can see where this might be a problem. If you are presenting yourself as somebody that doesn't wear revealing clothes and he is finding pictures of you in revealing clothes, then that might lead him to question how honest you are. At a very basic level, it is a contradiction. Keep in mind, that BPD are very fond of adding always and never. The world is very black and white. Saying that you don't wear revealing clothes was probably interpreted as she NEVER wears revealing clothes. Seeing a picture of you in a revealing dress shows that you ARE a liar in his mind because he found an instance where you were actually wearing a revealing dress.

Even if you were going to a party with all girls, why do you even own a dress like that? Is it common for you to go to parties where there are no men?

Please, don't take what I am saying personally. I have had people point out things to me and it hurt and it made me cry but it did help me to ultimately see another side of the situation. If you can understand why he might think that you lied, then it is easier to validate his FEELING without taking it personally.

Sending you some hugs.   

[lillian2005]

What you are saying is definitely what he is feeling and thinking, he is very black and white, and he even started questioning if I've worse something like that to any other function.

Background info is that he does not like revealing clothing, and i don't either. The picture he seen is what i sent him and its in my phone, so no one has it. And i didn't send it to him till yesterday because i admit it shouldn't be shown.

How do i validate his feelings?

And thanks so much for your response 

[lillian2005]

He does't want me to message him today at all, and he wants to come up with a conclusion argh

[vortex of confusion]

Background info is that he does not like revealing clothing, and i don't either. The picture he seen is what i sent him and its in my phone, so no one has it. And i didn't send it to him till yesterday because i admit it shouldn't be shown.

How do i validate his feelings?

Here is an article that might be helpful: https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation

In this situation, it might be helpful to say something like, "I can see why you think I lied to you."

If neither of you like revealing clothing, then perhaps you could offer to delete the picture. It is important to know what your values are and then live within them. If you are okay with revealing clothing and like your picture, then say that and own up to it.

[lillian2005]

Your conclusion would be great for people that are non BPD but that won't work on him he'll still dwell on the fact that i lied and Iv worn a short dress before. But I will include that in my conversation with him about deleting the picture. His still very grumpy at the moment and is ignoring me.

[vortex of confusion]

Your conclusion would be great for people that are non BPD but that won't work on him he'll still dwell on the fact that i lied and Iv worn a short dress before. But I will include that in my conversation with him about deleting the picture. His still very grumpy at the moment and is ignoring me.

I know. That is where the validation comes in. You validate that he feels like you lied. You acknowledge that you have worn a short dress before. And then you drop it and use boundaries when he tries to bring it up again.

You might want to review some of the other communication stuff too: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913190#msg913190

[lillian2005]

His response was its not about the dress its about the fact that i lied and i tried to hide a photo like that for so long cos apparently i know id be contradicting myself and he is raging at the fact that i lied

[lillian2005]

Good News, I used the validation technique and it has worked in some ways, I said i know you feel like iv like and i understand that i have worn a short dress before and i have said before i wont wear one. And he said its not what i feel but its what is the truth that you have lied. and i said i understand and im sorry. and he replied 'thank you' and i told him i love him and miss him, he replied the same that he loves me too... .his still abit moody but i think his eased. and i suggested he'd come over today and he said he'll see how he'll feel (his got the flu) and i said ill make him tea with lemon, and he replied that he'll have tea before he comes over. (so he doesnt want my tea but will come over) in a way its like his saying i dnt want to agree on you making tea for me because im still moody about the situation.

[lillian2005]

So overall validation has eased the situation, hopefully

[an0ught]

Hi lillian2005,

he is getting way too excited about your dress. Some may be related to

- anxiety about loosing you to another man

- sexual insecurity

- ... .

and the dress may just trigger him and sending him to a place where he can't think clearly anymore. Keep that in mind when you are validating - you may occasionally try to cast your net wider.

What is concerning is however his hair-trigger behavior. It may be very important to work on boundaries now as marriage lowers boundaries and if he is struggling to regulate right now it won't get better later.

This relationship can never be at peace, when we are together we are so happy and having a laugh and getting along, its like do you forget those moments? Do they even cross his mind. I asked him are you happy in the relationship? do i make you happy? he said yes. So i said then why are you starting a pointless argument and turning it into a possible break up. His answer is ' because you lied to me again and again and again'

JADE - Don't Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. Does not help. He can't help himself sabotaging the relationship when he feels threatened or in pain. Validation and boundaries help.

[lillian2005]

Thank you an0ught i really appreciate your help and i will keep it in mind, i use validation its starting to be over used on him because he feels like im just validating without meaning it.

[an0ught]

Thank you an0ught i really appreciate your help and i will keep it in mind, i use validation its starting to be over used on him because he feels like im just validating without meaning it.

Unitied for now has written a good post in different types of validation: https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating .msg810293#msg810293. This may give you some idea of how to vary and go deeper.