My "Triple Threat" holiday

[goodintentions]

I recently had a hard season (the "Triple Threat" as I call it - Valentine's Day, our wedding anniversary, and Valentine's Day all within days of each other). I was sick with anxiety in the days leading up to it, and even after thoughtful preparation and careful planning, it was a train wreck.

I've tried to meet my uBPDw's expectations, or even understand them or ask her to articulate them, without much success. The details here don't seem to matter much, but the outcome is always the same. I would appreciate any advice for those who are coping with similar situations. I genuinely want special occasions to be special - but they are major triggers in our house.

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[goodintentions]

Valentine's Day, our wedding anniversary, and Valentine's Day all within days of each other).

I meant to say birthday as well.

[an0ught]

Hi  goodintentions,

for all of us there are some times in the year that we could just do without 

I've tried to meet my uBPDw's expectations, or even understand them or ask her to articulate them, without much success. The details here don't seem to matter much, but the outcome is always the same. I would appreciate any advice for those who are coping with similar situations. I genuinely want special occasions to be special - but they are major triggers in our house.

You simply can't meet them. They are infinitely high and probably at the same time infinitely low.

Instead of guessing and trying to meet her expectations can't you formulate own ideas and expectations of what you are going to do? State in advance what you are going to do. Then do it. At least that way you can be content with what you have done i.e. sticking to your plan. For her there won't be any surprises - which may itself be a disappointment for her but can't help it - you are working according to plan and do so to reduce (can't avoid it completely) the drama.

[formflier]

I genuinely want special occasions to be special - but they are major triggers in our house.

So... remember this... .and accept this.  "Radically accept this"

Also remember... .it's not the event or the "triggers" fault. 

So... .expending a lot of energy on them is not likely to fix or affect the core problem much. 

The battleground is their emotional state... .that is where the energy needs to be expended.

Also... .if you try to plan things out... and announce those plans... .and it doesn't work out.  Do something different the next year.  Surprise her.  At some point you may stumble across a combination that works well. 

Personal comment:  I actually think this set up would work better for me.  It would leave the rest of the year a bit more free from triggers.  I've got several months between each of the events... .in my r/s. 

FF

[Aurylian]

Goodintentions,

Sorry, but I had to laugh when I saw the title.  I can so relate to this.  Holidays and special events are guaranteed triggers in my r/s.  The biggest are Christmas, anniversary, and Valentine's day.  It isn't exactly a triple threat, but December 1-Feb 14 is the corridor of death.  I just try and prepare for it as best I can.  I just try and keep up on my validation skills for that time and radically accept that those are going to be rough times at home.

[sweetheart]

the corridor of death 

I shall internalise this image and visualise navigating it in preparation for future significant dates and events in our marriage.

[goodintentions]

Thank you all for your posts. These are good reminders to focus on what I do have some control over - my emotions, validation skills, planning, etc. I guess I have some time now to prepare for next year.

formflier, I never thought about it that way. You're right, getting them all out of the way at one time may be a blessing in disguise, I suppose.

[formflier]

 

Good intentions,

How are things going in your r/s?  Have things calmed down after the "triple threat"?

What are you going to try to change next year?  You have an entire year to get educated about BPD traits and the tools to work with them.

FF

[steev]

I feel that anxiety! Mine is similar, especially Valentine's Day. I dread opening the envelope and card inside with "personal note" of how I am diminishing to her, and goes on asking "why" I am. Pretty discouraging but not surprised anymore.

Textbook projection.

[Oooohm]

Oh Yeah !

Christmas, Anniversary, and her Birthday all within a week of each other.   Whoo Haaaaaa ! Wild Ride !

At least I get a Month break till Valentines day.

[adventurer]

The anxiety can be the worst, but realize that the pwBPD behavior is unpredictable and you can plan and try to make everything perfect but it could still not be enough.  With that knowledge, you can perhaps take the pressure off of yourself and just try to plan something nice, and just psychologically prepare yourself to be validating and detatched should things take a bad turn.

One of my own experiences was flying my wife across the country to california for a vacation, paying for hotel and everything, and taking her for a hike in the redwood forest on her birthday which was a specific dream and desire of hers.  She spend the whole day giving me the hostile silent treatment, eventually admitting it was because I didn't give her a birthday card.  I didn't have the tools I do now so it was quite an argument.

Since that experience I have given up on any expectations of appreciation from her and also only buy smaller, relatively inexpensive items for most occasions.

[formflier]

 

Yeah... . I have some horrible stories for the "pre-tool" time ... .which was before I found bpdfamily.

Anyway... . my wife love surprises... . yet on the special days when I would plan surprises... . she would get mad that she didn't know the plan... .  

In the pre tool days I would go round and round with her about which is it... .surprise or not.

Anyway... . now... . I would put the ball in her court... . let he know that I am going with a surprise unless she tells me different.  And then don't participate in any back and forth on it.

This area of my life is much... . MUCH... .better.

2 anniversaries ago was the worst... . she gave me a coffee maker and a card that said "Well... . at least we made it 19 years... . "  Implying there would be no more years... . she actually wrote that in the card.   

FF

[Oooohm]

One of my own experiences was flying my wife across the country to california for a vacation, paying for hotel and everything, and taking her for a hike in the redwood forest on her birthday which was a specific dream and desire of hers.  She spend the whole day giving me the hostile silent treatment, eventually admitting it was because I didn't give her a birthday card.

The first uBPDw's birthday in my late twenties... . eerily similar. 3 day Ski vacation at high end resort, cake at the restaurant, wine in the room, etc. etc. ... .  Huge blow out fight the morning after her birthday... . "WHAT?... .NO CARD? !"

I now hate the holidays... .

[formflier]

 

So... . knowing what you know now... . what do you do different... . if there was a time machine where you could go back in time.

Still no card... . but how do you employ tools... . ?

FF

[adventurer]

Still no card... . but how do you employ tools... . ?

With the tools, I would NOT have tried to justify not getting a card by explaining all the other awesome stuff we did, and that we were very busy in a strange city and I did not have the time.  That just escalates the argument.

I would basically validate her feelings of disappointment and try to provide a calm, strong force for her to know that she is cared for and loved.

I would not have let her bad attitude and her silent treatment affect my mood and enjoyment of the day.  Instead of getting aggravated and wound up at the poor treatment I was receiving, I would have detatched, taken some deep breaths and enjoyed the beauty of nature that was all around me.

I'm fairly new to the board and lessons, but that's my personal take-away from all this now.

[goodintentions]

Formflier, thanks for asking. We had our first round of marriage counseling today. I'm encouraged as at least there is a 3rd party now to help sort some things out - though I don't have much confidence in the therapist to help us based on his specialties and experience. You know how that can go either way.

Adventurer, I'm chuckling because I was going to see what everyone thought of me trying to plan a vacation instead to "knock them all out at once" - and forego expensive fanfare to buy a vacation instead. Your post helped curb my enthusiasm and lower my expectations. Ha.

My wife HATES surprises! Loathes them. And, if you don't have the day fully planned out 3 weeks in advance, clearly you're "not doing anything" and "it's not important." And "on time" is actually 5 minutes late.

These card stories make me cringe! My cards usually say something like, "I know we don't have the romance," or "even though things haven't been good" I love you anyway. Guess I can't complain.

Is it bad that I want to "forget" the card, to detonate the grenade early and give me some time to prepare for the "unpredictable" behavior? I'm only half joking. I'm getting better with the tools, but the script keeps changing and I'm no good at improv.

[formflier]

  but the script keeps changing and I'm no good at improv.

There is an "order to the disorder"... . once you understand that... . you have knowledge... . knowledge is power... . power hands you some control back in the r/s.

You are well on your way to getting power back... .

FF

[an0ught]

  but the script keeps changing and I'm no good at improv.

There is an "order to the disorder"... . once you understand that... . you have knowledge... . knowledge is power... . power hands you some control back in the r/s.

FF is right. Spend time on the tools, especially validation and you will get to the point where you feel you have swallowed the red pill (Matrix).

There is however another angle to "the script is changing" and how to deal with it. Your goal is to stabilize the situation. Now if you focus your eyes on a moving target you get dizzy. You can however choose to focus on stable targets beyond the daily chaos and assign less weight to continuously rewritten scripts of your partner. I'm deliberately saying weight not attention. Carefully and actively listening is important as it enhances your understanding and provides validation. But then use your map and compass to figure out were to take the next step. Not always the most loved approach but the one that results in a straight course.

In the end chaos drives people away and stability and results are respected and loved.

[formflier]

Formflier, thanks for asking. We had our first round of marriage counseling today. 

I see you already have a separate thread on the MC.  If you get the right view of MC... . and have proper goals... .I think it will go well for you!

FF