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Author Topic: Affair with a BPD male now threatens my marriage  (Read 820 times)
Ataloss1234

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« on: April 01, 2015, 09:37:36 AM »

I'm at a loss and looking for serious guidance. I'm married with 2 children, and a young mAle came into my life with no family, he started as a friend and I was a support system for him. We confided in each other and I was going through some feelings of loneliness in my marriage and hate for myself and the BPD made me feel wanted and good. He said all the right things. It started with a lot of texts and phone conversations and then he requested pictures of me sexually. I didn't feel comfortable but he would say"just this one I won't ask again" or "if you care you'll do it" I felt so bullied and forced for fear he would tell my husband everything. But he continued the bullying and I got sexually involved with

Him because he would make me feel bad like he was going to kill himself or expose me so I did more and more to keep him quiet but against my own will. I had a death in the family and realized what was important. My kids and my husband! I told him this and told him I can no longer do this. I felt so guilty Doing this already and my kids and my husband are what's important. Well he threatened suicide, and so much more. He became ok with being my friend and then now has threatened to tell my husband, ruin my car, hurt me, etc. He has told me I am a whore and made up this whole unrealistic story that I am having a relationship with a drug dealer! He's convinced and swears I am lying. Constantly goes from telling me to never talk to him again then 5 mins later calls and texts me non stop threatening that if I don't call him back he will send sexual pictures of me to my husband. I just want to save my marriage and my sanity. I am losing my mind and feel like Im sick all the time! I don't eat can't sleep and am always anxious. Help me! He has no family and only a small amount of friends that don't know about us. He doesn't work and lives  alone. He's alone a lot and has too much time to think. Help I am

Desperate!

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« Reply #1 on: April 01, 2015, 10:25:57 AM »

Hi Ataloss1234, 

Welcome aboard.

I am sorry that you are going through such a difficult situation.  I understand how difficult and frustrating it is coping with ambivalent behaviors.   

Unfortunately, contradictory behavior and suicidal threats are some of the behaviors attributed to BPD.  People with BPD (pwBPD) tend to have issues with abandonment. It is common for a pwBPD to react to rejection/abandonment with acting cruelly punitive or impulsive behaviors, such as suicidal threats. 

What are you having the most anxiety and fear about? Leaving him?

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« Reply #2 on: April 01, 2015, 10:42:02 AM »

Ataloss,

I'm so sorry to hear how this all unfolded.  I'm sure you feel trapped right now.  Glad to see you here though.

Have you thought about telling your husband, thereby eliminating the threat of the pwBPD holding that over you?  What do you think your husband's response would be?

Are you collecting the communications (email, text) from the pwBPD?  Have you considered getting a restraining order?

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Ataloss1234

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« Reply #3 on: April 01, 2015, 11:21:12 AM »

I have contemplated telling my husband but I fear that he will go off the deep End and try to kill him honestly. I Love my Husband so much and do not want him to leave. I don't want to destroy my kids and family. My fear is honestly the the pwBPD will tell my husband and elaborate or lie what actually happened. I am truly at a breaking point. I need help 

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Ataloss1234

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« Reply #4 on: April 01, 2015, 11:43:09 AM »

His new thing is that he wants my cell phone account password so he can see my texts in and out. He thinks I am cheating on my husband with someone else he is demanding it and saying he is gonna do awful things if I don't get it to him
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« Reply #5 on: April 01, 2015, 11:45:24 AM »

What about seeing a marriage counselor (MC) to help mediate this?  Maybe you could see them first on your own to help set up the messaging.  Then bring your husband into a more structured environment to tell him.

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« Reply #6 on: April 01, 2015, 11:48:39 AM »

His new thing is that he wants my cell phone account password so he can see my texts in and out. He thinks I am cheating on my husband with someone else he is demanding it and saying he is gonna do awful things if I don't get it to him

The pwBPD wants the phone password and is threatening you? 

Are you still in contact with this person?  Can you stop the contact?  Have you considered talking with the police? 

In the short term what would happen if you went no contact with him and told him that if he contacts you again you will call the police?
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Skip
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« Reply #7 on: April 01, 2015, 01:53:29 PM »

I'm going to strongly encourage that you don't do anything to escalate.

The best solution with BF is to resolve this between you and the answer lies somewhere between not escalating and not cowering.  You might try the route of saying you will talk to him as long as he is not threatening. In that process, be nice, stay a way from personal stuff, and let him grieve without triggering his abandonment anxiety.

Best world if you can do it.

If this doesn't help, then you may need to tell the husband and get help.

The best solution with husband is a bit harder. Do you tell or keep it a secret.  I might suggest enlisting a therapist on this.  You may be able to grow it to couples therapy and share this hurt in a professional environment.

Curious to hear what others think.

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« Reply #8 on: April 01, 2015, 02:38:41 PM »



It sounds as though you are very important to him and as Skip points out the fear of loosing you will be terrifying to him. Really terrifying so much so he will threaten anything.

Skips advice to you in trying to withdraw with kindness and empathy might give BF enough emotional space and time to reduce his terror and separation anxiety. Can you do this ?

My immediate response was to tell your husband, but of course this too brings risks. These risks might outweigh the risks associated with your bf's issues escalating. I understand how difficult this must be for you there is a lot at stake.

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« Reply #9 on: April 01, 2015, 03:15:49 PM »

I believe that what he is doing is called extortion.  With threats to harm you or himself and you also being worried about your husbands safety I agree with the sentiment of not escalating matters with him.  But that means I think you need to take some actions for yourself to protect your family.

Can you go to someone you trust, a counselor or something, and figure out what to do to get this guy out of your lives?  Maybe they will recommend you get law enforcement involved.  A restraining order doesn't sound like a bad idea.  Even if you have to come clean with your husband, it is a lot better outcome than allowing this person to control and manipulate you.
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« Reply #10 on: April 01, 2015, 03:21:43 PM »

Oh my goodness Ataloss I'm stuck at where to start here.

I've been in your opposite situation. My wife had, not an online, but a physical affair with a coworker for some time and I didn't find out until it was over. It was a nightmare. The repercussions sure went online and electronic quickly though.

When they ended their affair my wife went ballistic, not over the end but over the lies she perceived he was saying as he managed to run her out her job. She went over the top with threatening emails and telephone call similar to what you seem to be experiencing. She never crossed that line of threatening physical violence but WOW the language and nastiness. (I'm not at all sympathetic toward him, don't get me wrong.) It was the situation that spun out of control because she went absolutely psychotic and couldn't even comprehend the repercussions of her repeat actions. Hundreds and hundreds  of emails and calls over two months.

I can't believe I'm actually saying this but, I wouldn't advise you tell your husband. If you can spare him and yourself that terrible path - I would.

Have you saved any of the posts, emails, texts that are threatening and what volume of them can you show. Fact is I would warn him with the police and if he persists I would follow-up on the harassment charge. Don't know where you're from but here that's serious stuff now. It's classed under Domestic Violence with Communications harassment and carries a criminal charge.

I have to tell you this is what happened to my wife. She was warned twice by the police, continued and the third time they arrested her. That's when I became aware of everything. They released her without charges but she only intensified and was again arrested charged and convicted.

It's a tough situation depending on how seriously he pursues it. I wouldn't connect any further and if it continues I'd and he is really on that roll I'd try and stop it in that way. Here the police can't speak with the husband because he actually isn't classed the spouse in the domestic situation - the other guy is. It can be done without his knowledge by meeting police if necessary off premises. Believe me if your police are like our police they will avoid contact with your husband at all costs and aren't able to provide him with any information. Hey it might be embarrassing a bit but believe me they’ve seen it all and much worse and they’re really professional and reserved with their judgments in the situations here and stay strict to just the law and not taking the role of judgment. You didn’t commit a criminal offense but he is.

One way or another you're threatening your marriage, your life, family  and everything by allowing it to continue. I would so avoid telling  your husband though if it's possible. I only know how difficult that was to hear and take and it can really lead to problems as you know especially if your husband has an alpha side and most of us do but you already acknowledged how he will react toward the other guy.

Not much more I can say on this except I really hope you can spare your husband, your family and yourself all the pain with this mistake and find your way safely through it.

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« Reply #11 on: April 01, 2015, 03:40:12 PM »

I believe that what he is doing is called extortion.  With threats to harm you or himself and you also being worried about your husbands safety I agree with the sentiment of not escalating matters with him.  But that means I think you need to take some actions for yourself to protect your family.

Can you go to someone you trust, a counselor or something, and figure out what to do to get this guy out of your lives?  Maybe they will recommend you get law enforcement involved.  A restraining order doesn't sound like a bad idea.  Even if you have to come clean with your husband, it is a lot better outcome than allowing this person to control and manipulate you.

I agree with this. Friends don't threaten you. This guy is not a friend he is manipulative and dangerous, his diagnosis is irrelevant. Tread carefully but the ultimate goal is honesty with your husband, learning from your mistakes and getting this other guy the hell out of your life!
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Ataloss1234

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« Reply #12 on: April 02, 2015, 02:58:06 PM »

I tried the advice and was able to weather the storm and not escalate the situation. But he's bringing up old stuff and trying to call me a liar about everything. I cannot get police involved because my husband will find out. I also cannot document for the same reason. The no contact thing is tough because he threatens and bullies me and will text my husband or sister asking things to try to catch me in a lie. Like I said he came in my life as a friend  so he knows my family and husband yes. I do speak to a friend but she just tells me he's psycho and she feels awful for me because I have no good option... I just want him to go away! Is there any light at the end of the tunnel? He truly has no family no extended family and very little friends. He doesn't have a license so he relies on public transportation. I was talking to him less and less for a while after we broke things off and it was good he was hanging or with friends that lives near him but then he moved last week and became so mean to me. It all happened the same time he moved because he is no living alone. He doesn't work and has a lot of spare time. He has no one to spend time with. Can this end well?
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« Reply #13 on: April 02, 2015, 05:01:43 PM »

Ataloss:

I hope in some way it does end well. Why do you correspond with him at all. That's a double edge sword. Corresponding is fueling it. You have the ability to block him on all electronic devices. Block him and don't allow him to keep you in the trap. If you receive new correspondence from a name you don't know block it without opening.

There is a problem with that, if he is BPD and is dysregulted - he may worsen with anger. He may also just move on to the next especially now that he's moved away from your area.

I would return the threat and before I blocked him, tell him that you've saved every threat and if it happens again you'll immediately contact the police for harassment. If you're going that far you may as well employ embarrassment as well. Then block him so he'll get the returned messages and know he has been.

The only other way if you don't think he will just stop on his own is to block the threat by revealing the situation but that tis a really difficult path to take. Your husband will want to know absolutely everything if he stays at all. You'd know better than anyone how he'd react.

What do you think would happen if you did nothing? That should define to you whether you need to act one way or another - or not to act at all.

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Ataloss1234

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« Reply #14 on: April 02, 2015, 06:00:38 PM »

Ataloss:

I hope in some way it does end well. Why do you correspond with him at all. That's a double edge sword. Corresponding is fueling it. You have the ability to block him on all electronic devices. Block him and don't allow him to keep you in the trap. If you receive new correspondence from a name you don't know block it without opening.

There is a problem with that, if he is BPD and is dysregulted - he may worsen with anger. He may also just move on to the next especially now that he's moved away from your area.

I would return the threat and before I blocked him, tell him that you've saved every threat and if it happens again you'll immediately contact the police for harassment. If you're going that far you may as well employ embarrassment as well. Then block him so he'll get the returned messages and know he has been.

The only other way if you don't think he will just stop on his own is to block the threat by revealing the situation but that tis a really difficult path to take. Your husband will want to know absolutely everything if he stays at all. You'd know better than anyone how he'd react.

What do you think would happen if you did nothing? That should define to you whether you need to act one way or another - or not to act at all.



I have contemplated no contact but he has ALOT of messages pictures and things to reveal our relationship if he got that angry to do so. And he has already threatened to do that so I feel like if I went no contact that he would immediately expose because he would have nothing to lose. So I coorespond to kind of make it all smoothed over as much as I can. I don't know! I'm so stuck. It's all about the what ifs and stuff. I know for a fact my husband will leave and try to hurt or kill him because that's the only respond I can truly think of
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« Reply #15 on: April 02, 2015, 10:10:24 PM »



I have contemplated no contact but he has ALOT of messages pictures and things to reveal our relationship if he got that angry to do so. And he has already threatened to do that so I feel like if I went no contact that he would immediately expose because he would have nothing to lose. So I coorespond to kind of make it all smoothed over as much as I can. I don't know! I'm so stuck. It's all about the what ifs and stuff. I know for a fact my husband will leave and try to hurt or kill him because that's the only respond I can truly think of

If you don't feel like you can go no contact, it might be helpful to read the communication tools. You are in a really sticky situation and have to figure out how to walk a tight rope on this to try to protect yourself and your family.

I know this probably isn't the best way to think about things but is there anything at all that he stands to lose? Do you have anything at all on him?

What makes you think that your husband would kill him? Is your husband really possessive?

I wonder if there is some kind of women's resource center in your area where you might be able to seek advice. I am pretty sure that they have dealt with all sorts of different scenarios.
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« Reply #16 on: April 03, 2015, 12:22:42 AM »

Hi Ataloss1234.  It is very sad to hear how you have been entangled and ensnared.  This young man sounds very dangerous to you and your marriage.  I would encourage you to come clean with your husband by telling him of your affair with this young man.  It is only fair that your husband be made aware of your affair and far better for your husband to find out from you rather than through this young man.  This would also put an end to the power and control that this young man appears to be yielding over you and your marriage here.

You cannot undo your past mistakes, but you can certainly correct the present that leads into the future.  You need to reclaim lost ground.    
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« Reply #17 on: April 04, 2015, 08:55:31 AM »

Hey vortex:

Finding out about something like this goes far beyond the idea of possessiveness of your wife. It's about the personal slight to a man as well.

All too often people entering into these scenarios don't consider the reality of them. That guy coming into her world also put himself willingly into her husband's, like it or not - it's part and parcel and that doesn't sit well with most men.

If this guy decided he wanted to come into her husband's world in this way he should have considered what that would be. He chose it, the husband didn't. A little alpha? Yup, but that's what it comes down to and it's the lack of respect that fuels the anger. If he didn't respect himself or his wife he would have no reaction and there would be no issue telling him.

There isn't a greater disrespect between men than this kid displayed. If you think it's easy for a guy to sit back in a situation like that, it isn't. Every thread about him screams for revenge but that revenge, if you're mindful enough, can land you in prison so you're trapped in a hate that's inescapable and all-consuming. That only addresses her husband's reactions to the guy in this, not his combined reactions to why and how she would have done this. He isn't aware and it will come as a right cross if not a haymaker from the floor straight into his face.

It's a really tough, immediate and desperately anger-filled response-needed place for him to suddenly be put into. It's not a good place for anyone involved. I've moved past all that now, I had to for my own peace of mind; but I'll never move past him. He knows to do a u turn on a road if he see's me in a car and to run from a store or anywhere else and hide when he see's me coming and he'll always have to look over his shoulder everywhere he goes. Cowardice never changes in people, it's a nature. There is just not a greater disrespect in the eyes of a man than what this guy has chosen to do and how he chose to come into his life.

That's just the real nature of it from a guy's perspective of another guy's choices and stupidity.

It's a powerful and driving, overwhelming force of testosterone-driven hatred. It's difficult to overcome if you're even of the nature to try and overcome it and not take the easier route and just walk out on it.

Not trying to scare off Ataloss of making the decision you're suggesting, but she's already noted these awareness's of her husband and his possible reactions. She hasn't noted how he'll react to her though.
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« Reply #18 on: April 04, 2015, 01:02:22 PM »

Ataloss... .    I have basically lived this as you are right now.  My ex-uBPD-bf/coworker, a much younger man, eventually did come to my family home to "destroy me" - his words.  Twice over the course of a year.  I'm not actually married but I did live with and still do live with my daughter's father.  Long story short - I too was depressed at home, became friends with the coworker, we were friends for a long time before we got involved.  It took a very long time for the rage to come out but eventually over the last couple years, it got worse and worse until it was just 100% abuse from him.  He has intense jealousy and would accuse me of sleeping with every man in the office.  He continues to claim that even to this day.  His anger is downright scary.  I attempted to break away, I went to a domestic violence counselor, I went to my therapist, I took a threat assessment test - I seriously had concerns for a while that he would hurt me.  He would walk up behind me at work and whisper in my ear that he was going to destroy me.  Far creepier than his shouts of it.  He would send long texts telling me how if it's the last thing he ever does, he will destroy me. 

He never hurt me - but he eventually follow through with his threats to come to my home to tell my daughter's father about us.  He didn't actually do it when he showed up the first time - because my 5 year old was standing there.  But I did.  I told her dad about the affair as soon as the ex left.  It did not go well but it also wasn't a shock given that we hadn't been intimate for years.  I expressed my fears about the ex.  Not quite a year later, the ex got mad at me for lying to him about a WORK conversation with a male coworker (yes, I lied, because I was afraid of his wrath).  He felt I had lied about telling my daughter's dad about the affair and that I was a liar and a cheater and that my home life needed to be destroyed... .  so he showed up on my doorstep a SECOND time but this time handed over a zip drive with all of our communication.  Not good.

Fortunately my daughter's dad just handed it over to me and understood that my ex was not a rational man.

The ex then left my home and drove home to his own house - and promptly shot a bullet through his couch.

A mistake - he didn't realize the gun was loaded.  I'm not making this up.

He is a HUGE gun fanatic.  He does dry shooting practice at home alot - and normally is very careful - but he was out of his mind that night.  Shooting his couch snapped him back into reality and I got the huge apology the next day - it was as if he very briefly realized that he did something he wasn't aware he was doing.  I don't know - that might just be a false interpretation on my part. 

A couple words of advise - if your ex is anything like mine in regards to anger?  don't threaten the restraining order.

If you need to get one, just get it.  I threatened it thinking it would back my ex off.  It didn't.  It angered him MUCH much more.  Also - watch what you say - everything you say.  He can and will twist anything and everything possible to make it appear like you are the disordered one. 

If you want this to just go away - I suggest backing away as quietly and peacefully as you can.

He will find a new target eventually. 

Honestly.  I don't know how the story ends.  There is no r/s with my ex but yet he still torments me at work.  This week HR finally stepped in.  Why?  because his boss reported him to HR for I don't even know what.  I got called in because the ex had been pretty severely harrassing me earlier in the week and someone obviously told them about it.  I finally came clean to them - I was a mess.  It's been a long road of abuse with this guy. 

I'm going to continue to try and just be quiet at work and focus on being grounded as a human being, on being a good mom.  I do still have concerns about my ex.  But he has a new GF now... .   so hoping that my drama is finally at an end... .

Be safe.  And protect yourself... . 

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« Reply #19 on: April 04, 2015, 02:27:03 PM »

Finding out about something like this goes far beyond the idea of possessiveness of your wife. It's about the personal slight to a man as well.

You are right. This does go beyond possessiveness. I think in a normal relationship it is normal for a spouse to feel slighted if a spouse goes outside of the marriage. I was trying to encourage ataloss to evaluate the situation completely. Yes, a spouse might feel slighted and upset and want to hurt the other guy but would he actually do it? That is something that nobody can answer. That is something that only she can evaluate. There is no easy way out of the situation and the best approach is to try to honestly evaluate all of the pieces of the situation. Which approach doe she think will cause the least damage?

Excerpt
If this guy decided he wanted to come into her husband's world in this way he should have considered what that would be. He chose it, the husband didn't. A little alpha? Yup, but that's what it comes down to and it's the lack of respect that fuels the anger. If he didn't respect himself or his wife he would have no reaction and there would be no issue telling him.

I have no direct experience with having a husband that is jealous, possessive, protective, or any other description you could use that would cause a husband to get upset if his wife went outside the marriage. There was a period of time in my marriage when my husband couldn't/wouldn't have sex with me unless I went and had sex with somebody else and came home and told him about it. He went so far as to insist that I call him by my lovers name when we were being intimate.

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« Reply #20 on: April 05, 2015, 05:58:54 AM »

Hi Ataloss1234,

yours is an extremely difficult situation   Whatever you do and whatever you don't do it has potential harsh consequences. It is easy to get stalled in such a situation - anxiety tends to impact decision making. And yes, it is important to be very careful but making no decisions is also making decisions.

Here are some of my thoughts:

While you are thinking educate yourself. Skip suggested as one option to detach yourself from him. Check out the LESSONS on the leaving board for detachment related workshops. I'm not saying go to the Leaving board at this point - no - keeping the discussion focused will be better here. But understanding the BPD leaving dynamic is important for you to deal with BF.

Reach out for real life help. A T or similar might help you by listening, knowing local resources, will facilitate documentation and might be of help on short notice if you decide or somehow the situation develops to escalation.

Negotiating with EX-BF. This depends a bit. He may be either

- distressed EX reacting like a pwBPD. In that case you got a chance slowly detaching. When emotions calm down he will become more rationale.

- distressed pwBPD. Same but might take longer, less likely to succeed but still could work.

- calculating serial sociopath and/or NPD. Some of what you describe sounds like deliberate planning from the outset of the relationship of getting a means of control into his hands. Some of it sounds a bit too much routine to be first time. Be very, very careful and don't threaten escalation or his ego. As long as he can play with you he will. This may stop with boundaries (which risks him doing one final escalation and expose you) - or it may stop once he latched on to the next victim.

In any case, but particularly in the latter getting external help may be a very good idea.

When negotiating (and there are good reasons for refusing to negotiate with extortionists) protect yourself with BOUNDARIES (see related workshops in LESSONS).

- know your BATNA (Best Alternative To a Negotiated Outcome). This may be coming clean and/or escalation to authorities. Being able to walk from negotiations is very, very important otherwise you are easily played - and you may face a professional player.

- you are dealing with someone you have lost trust in. Watch carefully demonstrated behavior and discount his words (but don't tell him this directly).

Keep in mind your goal is Detachment and less a negotiated outcome. Intensive negotiations may strengthen the relationship so keep temperature lower.

Don't escalate unless you are comfortable doing so. Do prepare escalation by documentation and moving where possible to stronger positions. NEVER threaten escalation - if it comes to that do escalate.

Don't underestimate your H. PwBPD are often much better in handling crisis than we give them credit for. Anxiety before the storm is much worse than actually facing it - this is double true for pwBPD who have uncontrolled amplification of emotions and particularly fear. Abandonment is painful but fear of abandonment can be worse and it is not unheard of a pwBPD leaving because they fear being abandoned.

At this time you are very much afraid  ! This is understandable. The problem with you being so afraid is that it likely affects your H. PwBPD are quite sensitive to their partners emotional state. You mentioned that your H is quite distressed and you fear he is suicidal. When plotting your course keep in mind that you need to get your level of anxiety down as at the moment it damages your relationship. It may also help you work through your feeling of guilt, shame and fear of exposure. Reaching out to a T might help you here.

Build communication skills. Check out the LESSONS on the Staying board. Understand validation and work through corresponding workshops. Understand the difference between Facts and Emotions and how Emotions dominate pwBPD (and to a lesser extent ourselves). This is important to strengthen your relationship with H and also to negotiate with EX. Watch the validation video - an hour well spent! Practical exercise matters - try daily with multiple people and on the board.

This is a very delicate situation. You made a mistake but nobody deserves what you are going through  

Be careful and safe
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  Writing is self validation. Writing on bpdfamily is self validation squared!
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