Snatching Victory from Jaws of Defeat(moved from leaving)

[Heldfast]

   

Has anyone on leaving board been able to recover their relationship, and knowing what they know now, make it work better? I've been replaced, she has moved far away, her family still talks to me, likes me, hates replacement, still says they're hoping for me. But from ex of fiancée I am cut off. Has anyone beat the odds and found happiness in it?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[an0ught]

Hi Heldfast,

I know some people here on the board have broken up and got together again. Chasing a person that is unwilling is probably making the other person run even faster so it is difficult to "recover" from one side... If both sides want it then it can work. A break-up is hurting deeply   and the wounds from a BPD b/u are so deep it takes some time to heal. Chasing someone while deeply wounded risks more blood letting and even if you catch up with her would you be in a good shape to make the best use of the opportunity? Often the best you can do is to heal and get back to the person you were before (and hopefully even better) which attracted her in the first place. It will not make it more likely that she comes back but if she does (and some pwBPD form very, very long lasting attachments and can't reach closure) you can handle the situation from a position of strength. And strength you need not only to be attractive but to handle her needs in the relationship.

A good start for healing are the LESSONS on Leaving Board. Healing is important as a breakup of a relationship with a pwBPD can be particularly painful. Neglecting healing may impact the following relationship.

A good start for acquiring excellent relationship skills particularly but not exclusively useful for a pwBPD as partner are the LESSONS on the Staying Board.

Yes, there is always hope she returns. Still would you advice anyone to invest in a lottery? No, you would advice them to invest in themselves.

[formflier]

   

Has anyone on leaving board been able to recover their relationship, and knowing what they know now, make it work better? I've been replaced, she has moved far away, her family still talks to me, likes me, hates replacement, still says they're hoping for me. But from ex of fiancée I am cut off. Has anyone beat the odds and found happiness in it?

Heldfast,


   Some virtual hugs for you.  Being cut off from the one you care about is tough stuff... .hang in there.

I think you are on the right board.  If you can focus on discovery about yourself... .discovery about what happened in your r/s... .and discovery about what a healthy r/s looks and feels like... .that will be the best set up for either scenario that could play out in your life.

Chasing a pwBPD to try to get them back in your life is not a good plan

There is a chance that she may boomerang back into your life at some point in the future.  If that happens... .you will want to be ready with the education and tools that you have learned here.

There is also a chance that you may meet someone new.  The skills you learn here are applicable to any r/s.

What do you see as your first step in learning more about you?

[Heldfast]

Had this one on another board as well, I just want to get back to being me again. Interested in my intellectual pursuits getting out more, some general self improvement. I do miss talking to her though and told her so, been saying that to the wind since January. She finally blocked me on Facebook today.

[waverider]

Consolidating being a stronger you is your priority. No one can predict the future.

You are obviously open to a recycle. She may or may not be. If she is pwBPD then  your replacement is a high flight risk anyway. If she chooses to recycle you wouldn't want to be in a place where she is given controlling position by your over eagerness.

Your life will be better if you assume this is not going to happen and get on with recovery. You are very likely still in a grieving phase when our judgement are not always the most objective. Be wary of putting on the rose colored glasses and ignoring the stress. Your new found knowledge will not give you the magic tools to be an effective rescuer. This knowledge will not fix her, she will be the same.

This is not a run message but simply a heads up that we can over value our ability to implement our knowledge. This is one of the advantages of working with the staying board before a RS breaks up so that we know more realistically what we can or cannot do. Knowledge is not ability

[Heldfast]

I am working on stoicism and radical acceptance. Of late, a number of friends have come out aging they thought she was not the right person for me, was taking me away from them more than would happen in a normal relationship. I do wish to be recycled, but only if we could work together, her as well.  I don't think that will happen. She has moved across country and entered a relationship with her ex from high school, early college. So I'll work on the necessary skills for myself to be a better me. Knowledge kept me from going insane over this or even worse. But it gives me no power over her.