Well- Here is to trying- again

[cloudten]

Alright... .it has been a while since I have been on here. I tried breaking up with my pwBPD. I failed... .but it may not be all bad. I would like to think the best is yet to come.

So- I have been going to therapy for several months now. I have been diagnosed OCD... .which I have known for years and years- but didn't realize it affected my relationships- I just thought it was weird ticks like counting steps and picking at my skin. But, I actually may have a version of OCD where I obsess about relationships. yay me. But I obsess to the point that I run away.

To complicate that, I am with a semi-diagnosed pwBPD. Completely similar and opposite at the same time. I am compulsive, he is impulsive. same reactions in opposite ways.

He is now in therapy and I cannot tell you how much he has changed in 2 months! He is more thoughtful and rational. I know he is still having extreme fears of abandonment. I was on a business trip 2000 miles away last week. He didn't freak out to me accusing me of sleeping around- which was WONDERFUL. But he did tell me when I got back that he freaked out on his end, but didn't let it affect me. He sat home and cried and rocked. That's scary behavior... .i would hate to feel that way. I hate that he feels that way.

Anyway- I was undecided... .then leaving... .and now staying. We have decided that this is our last real effort. We have decided to be "all in", and if we break up again for any reason, then we will never again revisit the relationship (part of me thinks yeah right).  I outlined about 30 things that I require from the relationship, including most of your pretty standard needs/wants... .and some boundaries. Part of me has no idea where to go now that we have decided we are staying. I think I have even more to learn now. So that is where I am starting.

I am leary. I am scared of emotional failure (not of him).

So, next i will be clicking on "what is my first step" on the right over there... .but I sure hope I am doing the right thing. I meet with my therapist tonight, and I have a feeling she isn't going to be thrilled that we are back together... .

but i had to do this at the advice of a friend who said "Well, I think you two should stay together so you have no fantasies of what it is... .eventually you may grow tired of the pain and disappointment, and if you don't, then just marry him and call it your lot in life."

I think its the fantasy part for me. I don't want there to be any fantasy or illusion about what it is like to be with him. I know it will get bad because it always has. But maybe it won't this time now that he is in therapy. But once the fantasy is over this time... .maybe I will be able to detach. In the mean time, my brain is watching my heart throw itself off a cliff.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Good to see you are here to help you with your endevour.

It must make for interesting times mixing OCD with BPD. My partner displays both and was misdiagnosed OCD for a long time. So I get that similar but different theme.

There must be bonding insights were you think you "get him" only to realize you have jumped to an assumption and got it all wrong". At least you have both experienced being misunderstood.

Is there a bit of a clash between consistency vs inconsistency? BPD obsession tends to be transient from one issue to the next whereas OCD is more set in concrete as far I can see.

It would be interesting to hear your take on the unique set of problems this combination can cause.

Would you say your problem is more like an obsessive phobia with a dose of catastrophizing, leading to running away fearing the worst?

[cloudten]

It has certainly been a journey- that is for sure! Even just alone, dealing with my OCD has been a journey. But put me and BPD together- it's amazing and tragic at the same time.

Yes, I absolutely think there are bonding insights where I think I "get him" only to not "get him" at all. It's like he has 2 different personalities. He even admits he has 2 different personas.

Yes, there is definitely a clash. I am a very very consistent, predictable person. He is a very inconsistent, unpredictable person. Predictably unpredictable. His black/white stance on people and things constantly changes in unpredictable ways. For example, he will express that his best friend is Friend #1, then a couple days later, Friend #1 is his worst enemy and Friend #2 is his best friend.  Or his thoughts on his mother is that she is loving, compassionate, and cares for him, only the next day to be a raging alcoholic that neglected him as a child, and never loved him.  Those things remain very unpredictable and unstable.

Yes, his obsession seems to be transient. My OCD obsessions are very concrete and rarely change. I am predictably predictable.

catastrophizing... .what a word. my mother tells me all the time not to catastrophize. . drives me nuts. but you have hit the nail on the head. I am a runner. I run away from relationships where I feel I am wasting my time or theirs. I run away when I think that it will never work. Frankly, I know OCD played a major role in my first divorce. I fear the worst.  When I read on here about people whose pwBPD left them and vanished without a trace-- that would be my worst fear. Not that I am afraid to be alone- because I am definitely not afraid to be alone. I like being alone actually. But YES, that is probably my exact problem. I am not entirely sure what you mean by obsessive phobia.  fear of obsessing?  possibly that's me.  I hate obsessing. It costs me many productive hours and work, and even comes at the expense of quality time with my family.

[cloudten]

I shouldn't say first divorce- I have only been divorced once... .haha. Once was enough.

That is something I fear. If I am in this relationship long enough that it turns into an engagement, and then into a marriage, I fear that it will change immediately like I have read so many times on here before. I fear having children with him and them having BPD too.

[waverider]

I shouldn't say first divorce- I have only been divorced once... .haha. Once was enough.

That is something I fear. If I am in this relationship long enough that it turns into an engagement, and then into a marriage, I fear that it will change immediately like I have read so many times on here before. I fear having children with him and them having BPD too.

Divorce is often traumatic for everyone, personality disorders or not. It can range from abandonment to over bearing spite. Sometimes living in fear of it is a bigger hurt than the actuality.

Living in fear of the maybes is one of the biggest issues that nons have living with a pwBPD, endlessly compromising ourselves so we become incapacitated to a degree out of fear of not causing drama. Once you can learn to deal with drama when it is rising them their is less need to fear it. As our counselor keeps asking "whats the worse that can happen?"  and "is life going to stop because your worse fears eventuate?"  We move on, fear of where the next step may take us makes as cripples. why would we consciously choose to cripple ourselves.

'Obsessive phobia' i made that up what i am getting at is the obsession makes you want to turn away from something rather than to posses it. as opposed to "obsessive possessor"... eg seems like a bag of spiders rather than a bag of your favorite lollies.

[hope2727]

Hi I just wanted to write and say I am rooting for you. 

I have family members with OCD and like udBPD and I know how hard it is for them/us to deal with at times. I really admire you working on those areas of your life. I was raised by an very mentally ill father and one of his many traits was extreme hoarding. I see that tendency in myself at times. Once I recognized it I became the queen of the purge.  My sister counts steps. Three of my siblings hoard. It seems to all run on one side of the family (fathers) my moms side is like so healthy is a but disturbing.  Oh well they all get dementia so we all have our cross to bear.

Anyway the point is I really admire you for trying. I know that these relationships are a challenge. Our own minds can be a challenge at times. You can totally do this. I have faith in you. Keep us posted. And remember that OCD can most certainly be managed. You are going to be awesome.   

[cloudten]

Yes the obsession absolutely makes me want to turn away from it. But in my recycles, I have found that the obsession of not having the relationship is unbearable. I can't sleep, eat, work, and my hair falls out.  The OCD manifests itself as Relationship OCD... .and tidbits of both relationship-centered and person-centered.

Ironically--- I think that my BPDbf might be the only type of person that would be willing to tolerate my kind of "crazy"... .and it might actually work because of the push and pull we both have. I have seen a lot of the boards of people who get married and things instantly change- its like the chase is over for the BPD and the spouse is painted black and becomes enemy #1. He knows that I am flighty and want to run. (not just from him- but pretty much any guy I have dated). So he knows that my tendency is to run at the slightest sign of disappointment or sign that I am wasting my time. If he always thinks he doesn't quite have me, maybe we'll never fall into that "chase is over" stage. I don't know if that makes sense in words... .makes sense in my head.

[waverider]

Ironically--- I think that my BPDbf might be the only type of person that would be willing to tolerate my kind of "crazy"... .and it might actually work because of the push and pull we both have. I have seen a lot of the boards of people who get married and things instantly change- its like the chase is over for the BPD and the spouse is painted black and becomes enemy #1. He knows that I am flighty and want to run. (not just from him- but pretty much any guy I have dated). So he knows that my tendency is to run at the slightest sign of disappointment or sign that I am wasting my time. If he always thinks he doesn't quite have me, maybe we'll never fall into that "chase is over" stage. I don't know if that makes sense in words... .makes sense in my head.

Maybe, a lot will come down to how deep routed both your insights go and whether you can prevented repeated frustration from developing into resentment. Resentment and an inability to kerb escalating conflict are the two big relationship killers. If you can keep a handle on those two biggies then you have the basics covered. Frustration is fine, we all experience that, but it comes and goes, rather than compounds.

Don't worry if everyone else thinks you are nuts, we all are to a degree, it keeps life "interesting"