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Author Topic: I'm back... and clueless as ever  (Read 506 times)
Jessica84
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« on: April 02, 2015, 08:49:18 PM »

Hi everyone. 

I took a little break from these boards. 1) I was way overthinking everything. 2) I decided to quit smoking and needed a different kind of support group. It's been almost a month now. Both overthinking and smoking are HARD habits to break! I noticed stopping these anxiety-inducing habits has made my life much easier in general. And dealing with his BPD improved leaps and bounds! No drama at all for several weeks... .in a row... .it's been like... .a miracle.

Then last weekend, after spending a nice weekend together... .He started saying mean things to me, then asked me to leave... .then begged me to stay... .then acted like he didn't care what I did and pretended to go to sleep. I asked him what was wrong? He said "I don't know what's wrong with me. I think we need 6 months apart." ? I started to JADE, then caught myself - went to my happy place and stayed calm. I kissed him on the forehead and left thinking whatever, I'll give him some space... .

He then texted me... and texted... and texted... .By the 10th text he was mad I hadn't replied. I was still driving home when he started texting! He continued to text every 10 minutes. Finally I replied with "I am leaving you alone, per your request." After that, he was mean/nice/mean/nice... every other text was Jeckyl or Hyde. Finally I blocked him on my phone - after I told him first. I just didn't wanna read anymore.

I unblocked him the next morning. Got an email asking if he was blocked. I told him yes, but that I had unblocked him. He said he would leave me alone but that it was a "great comfort" to know he could contact me if he wanted to.

Yesterday, I get a "hope you're ok" email... .which I ignored. Have I entered the Twilight Zone? Has it been 6 months already? or does time have no meaning in BPD minds? Does he even remember saying it?

I don't know what to do or what he wants from me anymore. I'm glad I quit smoking or I'd be chain-smoking right now! Do I give him his 6 months? Lord knows he can't make it more than 3 days without contacting me! If I continue to ignore him, won't this trigger his abandonment fears? If I do respond, don't I enable these weird impulsive decisions of his?
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« Reply #1 on: April 02, 2015, 09:14:57 PM »

Do I give him his 6 months? Lord knows he can't make it more than 3 days without contacting me! If I continue to ignore him, won't this trigger his abandonment fears? If I do respond, don't I enable these weird impulsive decisions of his?

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this right now... .glad you were able to quit smoking though!  BRAVO!

Everything you fear may happen... .or not.  There's just no telling what will trigger him.  Take care of you and do what YOU need to do to stay healthy and happy.  If he contacts you, you have a choice whether to answer or not.  If it's productive to do so, why not?  If it's not then you know not to answer.  I can't tell you what to do... .only what I would do.

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« Reply #2 on: April 03, 2015, 06:02:18 AM »

I don't know what to do or what he wants from me anymore.

The question is... .what do you want?   Start with that first.

From the sound of your post... .it sounds like you really enjoyed the time with him... .without any drama.  Correct?



I'm glad I quit  Do I give him his 6 months?

Do you want to give him 6 months?  The way you described the interaction... .it seemed like a provocative thing for him to say... rather than a heartfelt request... .but... .I wasn't there.  Did it seem well thought out to you... .or an "in the moment" kind of thing to say?

Final thought... .if he wants to be apart from you for 6 months... .he has the power to do that... .right?  Other than informing you... .is there anything you need to do about that... .if that is what he really wants.

  If I continue to ignore him, won't this trigger his abandonment fears? If I do respond, don't I enable these weird impulsive decisions of his?

Ahhhh... .excellent questions. 

Jessica84,

You have learned your lessons well on bpdfamily.  Good job.  Many times the challenges in life are figuring out which questions to ask yourself and consider. 

Sometimes those questions seem to put us in a catch 22... .do you feel that with your set of questions?  Have you felt that before in your r/s with a pwBPD traits?

Remember... .pwBPD have fleeting feelings.  What they may feel very intensely on one day... .may be gone the next.  Also... remember... it may not be about you... .even though you got caught up in an obvious intense emotional thing from him.

So... .if he is behaving and communicating nicely to you... .is there any reason not to go see him... .and see how things go?

You've proven you can leave and block his stuff... if needed... .do you think you can do that again... .if needed?

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)    

FF
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Jessica84
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« Reply #3 on: April 04, 2015, 11:55:49 AM »

Thanks - all good questions. I'm at a point where I simply want him to stop this nonsense and own his words. I know... wishful thinking. He makes these big declarations impulsively whenever the mood strikes him. He suggested we get married 2 weeks ago. A week later, a 6-month break. He never thinks things through, just like he didn't think the "we should see other people" through. He isn't seeing anyone else and later admitted he would be devastated if I was. Push-pull-push-pull... .

I'm out of ideas. Obviously getting mad and blowing up at him doesn't work. But neither does staying calm, less anxious, taking it less personal, giving him more empathy, applying the tools... .The result is always the same. He cuts me off abruptly until he's ready to crawl back out of his hole... .

In a way I think he's come to rely on me as his therapist - someone he can vent to safely. But I can't help him. I can't be there for him consistently when he keeps pushing me away every time we get too close. I keep thinking maybe without me to lean on he will seek the professional help he needs. OR he'll put on his mask and find someone else to play mind games on... either way, something has to change this dynamic. I've done my part and continue to work on myself. He'll either try to get better, or he won't.
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« Reply #4 on: April 04, 2015, 01:14:07 PM »

I'm out of ideas. Obviously getting mad and blowing up at him doesn't work. But neither does staying calm, less anxious, taking it less personal, giving him more empathy, applying the tools... .The result is always the same. He cuts me off abruptly until he's ready to crawl back out of his hole... .

Remember... .you don't get to determine when he crawls in or out of his hole.  The idea that I would like you to go with is using the tools... .avoid blowing up at him at all costs.  It will take time

Read to understand why it will take time


In a way I think he's come to rely on me as his therapist - someone he can vent to safely.

This is very common... .and... .here is the million dollar question... .who gets to determine if you play the role of his therapist?  

But I can't help him.

Jessica84,

I don't want to argue... .butt his is simply not true.  You can help him... !  It is critical that you get grounded and make sure that things you are doing to help... .are healthy choices... .for you... .and for him.

 He'll either try to get better, or he won't.

This is correct.  However... .with proper application of the tools... .I'm betting he gets better.  Now... .we can't predict how much better he will get... .but... .I think better is very possible.  It is amazing what steady, consistent change for the better (healthier) in one partner will do for the other.  

A r/s is a dynamic... .if one changes... .the other is basically forced to change as well... .

You can do this!
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Jessica84
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« Reply #5 on: April 04, 2015, 01:59:59 PM »

I see what you're saying formflier. And thank you for the support!

I have changed a lot of ways I communicate with him. And I've seen positive changes from him as a result. He has dysregulated much less (or for shorter time periods or less dramatic). He seems a bit more self-aware. He numbers his feelings now - he's usually somewhere between a 6-8 in terms of how intense he's feelings.

I've managed to put pins back into all his grenades pretty well lately. When he would get mad, name-call, or make weird accusations, I stopped coming unglued. I didn't JADE. I used SET and noticed he would calm down in minutes. There have been many moments like this... .it's almost second-nature now to steer clear of his provocations. They wash right over me.

Where I can't help him is with his chronic depression, fatigue, general unhappiness. I believe a trained professional could help him better with his emotional issues. He keeps calling himself a "head case", "mentally ill", "crazy", "loose cannon", "overly emotional", "a mess", "screwed up"... .and yet... .he won't see a therapist except for twice a year to refill his prescriptions. He once told me he didn't need to, he has me.

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Jessica84
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« Reply #6 on: April 04, 2015, 02:15:33 PM »

And the worse part is his silent treatments... .he paints me white and himself black when he determines in half a second that I deserve better and to move on with my life. This usually comes after a good period without any conflict at all. His simultaneous fear of commitment and abandonment make it a delicate tightrope to walk.

He's almost 60. I'm still hoping there's hope for him ?
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« Reply #7 on: April 04, 2015, 02:19:47 PM »

Have I entered the Twilight Zone? Has it been 6 months already? or does time have no meaning in BPD minds? Does he even remember saying it?

I can relate to a lot of what you have written but thought I would make just this one comment now. My uBPDSO consistently says things like "leave me alone completely this weekend, or this week, or this month", "until you do X, I am not interested in interacting with you", or "leave me alone, leave me alone".  This doesn't bother me so much anymore. It used to, though, a lot. I used to feel so bad that she wanted so much space apart and would try to figure out what it all meant, and what I could have done differently. Now I know it is a temporary feeling that she has. She really doesn't want a whole weekend or week with no contact.  So I give her space until she wants to interact again, which is almost always within a very short period of time (sometimes hours).

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« Reply #8 on: April 04, 2015, 02:54:46 PM »

 He once told me he didn't need to, he has me.

So... who determines if you play the role of therapist in his life?  

Getting him to treatment


Look... .you are correct that therapy would make a huge difference for him.  If he buys into it and works hard.

And... since he does got to get meds... .it's not getting him to go... .it's getting him to go regularly and participate in treatment.

Can you look over the lesson and let's work on strategies to try to get him into more treatment.

Even more important... .next time he comes looking for Jessica the therapist... .that you are ready with a healthy response... and that you understand what you are trying to accomplish with that response.

Hang in there... .I think there is hope!  From your posts... I can tell you have come a long way... .I can also tell you care deeply about your partner... . 

He is lucky to have you!

FF
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« Reply #9 on: April 04, 2015, 03:03:07 PM »

FF - your link takes me back to my own post ?

And yes... .I would LOVE to have a response handy for when he comes looking for me as a therapist! I just can't think of anything different from what I've said in the past.
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Jessica84
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« Reply #10 on: April 04, 2015, 03:04:50 PM »

Have I entered the Twilight Zone? Has it been 6 months already? or does time have no meaning in BPD minds? Does he even remember saying it?

I can relate to a lot of what you have written but thought I would make just this one comment now. My uBPDSO consistently says things like "leave me alone completely this weekend, or this week, or this month", "until you do X, I am not interested in interacting with you", or "leave me alone, leave me alone".  This doesn't bother me so much anymore. It used to, though, a lot. I used to feel so bad that she wanted so much space apart and would try to figure out what it all meant, and what I could have done differently. Now I know it is a temporary feeling that she has. She really doesn't want a whole weekend or week with no contact.  So I give her space until she wants to interact again, which is almost always within a very short period of time (sometimes hours).

Yup. I've learned this too. I do my own thing until he comes back around again... I have friends, family, hobbies, work, work, and more work! Always plenty to keep me busy. I just get tired of this game. Even though he may not realize he's playing one.
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« Reply #11 on: April 04, 2015, 06:28:48 PM »

FF - your link takes me back to my own post ?

And yes... .I would LOVE to have a response handy for when he comes looking for me as a therapist! I just can't think of anything different from what I've said in the past.

Getting him to treatment

Fixed it in my first post... .also put it here.

FF
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« Reply #12 on: April 04, 2015, 06:30:15 PM »

 

Take a look at the lesson I finally fixed for you... .and then lets talk about your response.

How often does he say things like that to you?

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« Reply #13 on: April 04, 2015, 06:33:01 PM »

I just get tired of this game. Even though he may not realize he's playing one.

Everyone finds a way to look at it that is helpful to them.  

While I understand why some people say pwBPD "play games" with others... .I personally don't find that helpful.

I find it easier and more authentic to find empathy and sympathy when I look at it as the "order to the disorder

"


That frame of my helps me have a more even and honest tone when I am using tools.  I think it helps.

FF
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Jessica84
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« Reply #14 on: April 07, 2015, 01:40:51 PM »

Thank you formflier! 

You are right - probably not fair to call it a "game". Like I said, I don't think he does it on purpose, but it feels like a game all the same. He made it 8 days without calling. Impressive. Only 3 days without emailing. Today, he called like a small child asking me to meet him for breakfast. Once I agreed he was in my driveway in less than a minute. Literally. So he must've been right around the corner.

He told me over breakfast he feels like he can "breathe real air again" just by talking to me. Odd choice of words, but I think I get how much he relies on me for soothing, for comfort, for assurance, for validation, for emotional support. But there is only so much I can give before he rejects it again. And then he deprives himself of the caring he so desperately needs.

I would love to figure out a way to get him to see a therapist regularly. I've read and read and am still unsure how to do this. He needs his meds monitored and to discuss his feelings with a trained professional (especially about his suicide ideation). Maybe even learn how to cope with stress better?

I cannot force him to go, but I can try to convince him... .HOW? Maybe I should start a new thread on this?
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« Reply #15 on: April 07, 2015, 02:38:56 PM »

I cannot force him to go, but I can try to convince him... .HOW? Maybe I should start a new thread on this?

Did you read the link that I sent on getting him to treatment?  Any new ideas in there.

Your situation is a little bit different.  He does go to get meds... .so I think you are a bit ahead of the game.

What I think you are really wanting is that he go regularly... .participate... .and take it seriously.

Remind me again... .does he have a formal diagnosis.

I think we are fine staying in this thread for now... .

FF
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Jessica84
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« Reply #16 on: April 07, 2015, 03:04:53 PM »

Officially diagnosed with OCD and depression. Undiagnosed with BPD, but has all 9 traits at various times.

Yes, I'd like him to see a therapist regularly.

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Jessica84
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« Reply #17 on: April 07, 2015, 03:09:26 PM »

I've read the links - best I came up with is not to tell him he has BPD. And not to give him any ultimatums. And that pwBPD will only go when THEY are ready. Sometimes he seems very eager to get help, willing to try just about anything... other times, blames other people and refuses the notion that HE is the one who needs help.

He's looked into 30-day treatment facilities but worried if word got out it would ruin his business reputation. Then he started feeling a little better and stopped looking altogether.

He is far more aware of his moods/feelings than he used to be. He numbers his feelings based on their intensity - on a scale of 1-10, 10 being the most/worst. He usually lives between a 6-8.

He sees a P twice a year to refill prescriptions only. This "psychiatrist" is a prescriber, not a listener. His issues become mere symptoms treatable by a combo of magic pills and that's the end of "therapy".

I don't want him to go to therapy for my sake. He is just so miserable. He shares a lot of his sad, dark feelings with me. But given his push/pull nature, I can't always be there to listen/validate/comfort him. He won't let me. Besides, he needs a good trained professional who can monitor his meds properly, help him with his issues, contact if his suicide ideation becomes threatening, etc...

Any thoughts on how to convince him?
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« Reply #18 on: April 07, 2015, 03:09:47 PM »

Officially diagnosed with OCD and depression. Undiagnosed with BPD, but has all 9 traits at various times.

Yes, I'd like him to see a therapist regularly.

OK... .please read through that lesson link about getting him into treatment.

My gut tells me that staying away from BPD as a label is good... .for now.

"high conflict person"... .or high conflict due to OCD and depression.  The key is not to get him to acknowledge BPD.  It is to acknowledge the trait he needs to work on... .IMO.

So... the push pull thing... .or focusing on strategies to stay regulated.

Thoughts?

Do you go to therapy?  Have you guys ever done couples therapy?

FF
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« Reply #19 on: April 07, 2015, 03:17:53 PM »



Sorry for a bit of cross post there!   


  He shares a lot of his sad, dark feelings with me.

How do you feel after he shares these.  There is a certain amount of this that is OK in any r/s.  Most of the time... .in a r/s with a pwBPD traits... .the nons listen to way to much of this.  Again... .very general statement.  So... my gut says less of this listening... .and when you disengage... .a simple direct statement that this is an issue for a therapist... not a partner in a romantic r/s (however you want to title yourself)

But given his push/pull nature, I can't always be there to listen/validate/comfort him. He won't let me. Besides, he needs a good trained professional who can monitor his meds properly, help him with his issues, contact if his suicide ideation becomes threatening, etc...

Nor should you always be there.  Even if he would let you.  Boundaries go both ways.  Let him have his emotions and let him deal with his emotions.  Yes... there is a certain amount of support that is appropriate... see my comments above...  

Any thoughts on how to convince him?

I think the shorter the statement... .the better.  Find appropriate times to state your desire for him to go.  But... it shouldn't be so often as to be nagging.  How do you define nagging... ?  My gut says you and he will define that very differently.   That doesn't mean either you  are right or wrong... .just different.

Let me turn this on you... .you know him best.  You've read the lessons.

Try to type out a couple sentences of what you would say... .we'll work on tweaking it.

FF
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« Reply #20 on: April 07, 2015, 03:28:19 PM »

The trait his shrink was working on was the suicide ideation. The trait I believe causes him the most trouble is the emotional spiraling - that out-of-control feeling combined with his OCD and unwillingness to let anything go.

It's what causes him to damage his friendships, relationships, and work situations constantly. His moods change and his feelings spiral/escalate quickly - he then acts on these feelings impulsively by saying/doing things he later regrets - then apologizes. Then works himself up again (usually right away), gets angry at apologizing so he takes it back... .then later re-apologizes and finally withdraws from the conflict and goes into hiding feeling ashamed. He does all this to the point of losing all credibility. Most people think he's nuts. I see a man crying for help, they see an angry obnoxious lunatic...
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« Reply #21 on: April 07, 2015, 03:36:47 PM »

Sorry... .more cross-posting there!

I'll try to answer your questions... .

I don't mind listening to him. His pain, not mine. I don't own his feelings. It's not all the time, but it is pretty often. I realize I can't and shouldn't be there for him all the time - exactly why I think he should see a professional on a somewhat regular basis - someone who he isn't attached to and who will listen without judgment, and monitor his meds. I don't know if he would consider me nagging. I would think he would've accused me of this by now if he thought so! Then again, he mainly accuses me of stuff I don't do so who knows?

I'll work on wording something to tell him later... .have to get back to work now... .

Thanks FF!

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« Reply #22 on: April 08, 2015, 07:36:43 AM »

I've got a couple thoughts for you.

1. You could talk to his psych, or perhaps send him an email indicating that you believe your H would benefit a lot from therapy, but is unwilling to get it. I'd suggest you not give him a layman's armchair diagnosis of BPD... .however describing specific behavior and regular patterns... .which might lead to that diagnosis would be more helpful.

2. You can bow out of the role of being his therapist. Yes, listen a bit, but be willing to say "I've heard all I can handle for now; you really should find somebody else to talk to... ."

Another thing you might say is that you cannot be both his therapist and his wife at the same time, and you want to be his wife.

You might point out that if you were trained as a therapist, you would have learned in "Therapy 101" that you can't treat somebody that close to you... .and you haven't even had that kind of formal training yet!
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« Reply #23 on: April 08, 2015, 10:46:52 AM »

Hey GK   long time no see!

Actually, we are not married. So I don't think I can legally or ethically call his doctor. That is good advice though. I've thought about how to bring this up to him. What I think will work best is the next time he mentions his depression or suicidal thoughts or when he starts talking about how "crazy" he feels inside, I can tell him... ."I think you would benefit a great deal from talking to a therapist, to help you manage your stress. What do you think?"

The word "benefit" is positive. And it's not pushy. "Manage" also sounds better than "cope". It also doesn't suggest he's bonkers. I've noticed key words tend to trigger him, positively or negatively. I think it's the same for anyone really. Personally I don't like hearing "You need to... ." or "You should... ." Both sound too demanding.

If he resists, I can ask him... ."what's the harm in talking to someone? You've gone to therapy before and said it helped you, right? What do you think about giving it another try? Wouldn't it be great to get some fresh ideas?"

Thoughts?
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« Reply #24 on: April 08, 2015, 11:04:38 AM »

 

Actually, we are not married. So I don't think I can legally or ethically call his doctor.

I'm assuming you live in the USA. If so, I believe you can TELL his doctor anything you wish to. His doctor has many legal and ethical restrictions, and probably cannot tell you anything about his care, treatment, or medical history without some form of release. So expect one-way communications with no feedback.

Excerpt
I've thought about how to bring this up to him. What I think will work best is the next time he mentions his depression or suicidal thoughts or when he starts talking about how "crazy" he feels inside, I can tell him... ."I think you would benefit a great deal from talking to a therapist, to help you manage your stress. What do you think?"

I don't know how he would respond. It could still be a touchy situation for him. pwBPD have a lot of deeply hidden shame and self-hatred, and are hair-trigger sensitive to any implication that they are 'defective', 'broken', 'crazy', etc. And even if they say it, can react badly if you mention it. You know him--you can assess what the risk is here. To my eye, benefit still has a 'should' buried in there.

It is always safer to speak in "I" statements than "you" statements.

"you may benefit" vs "I cannot do this sort of thing for you."

Something like "I cannot act as both your partner and your therapist, and I want to be your partner" would be good.

I'd also note that suicidal ideation is very serious. If it might come up again, be ready to involve people qualified to deal with it, instead of handling it all on your own. (There are workshops on it and the "Safety First" link)
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Loosestrife
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« Reply #25 on: April 08, 2015, 02:40:22 PM »

I told my BPDso I was really worried as their mood seemed to change a lot and i was worried there might be something wrong. I asked if these kind of negative feelings have happened before. If anyone simply googles 'unstable mood' then BPD flashed up at the top of the search. You can lead a horse to water... .
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Jessica84
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« Reply #26 on: April 08, 2015, 07:00:57 PM »

Thanks Loosestrife. I googled unstable moods and sure enough BPD was all over the page!

Grey Kitty - I definitely agree that I need to place a boundary to stop playing the role as his therapist. It really doesn't bother me to listen, but it doesn't help him either. Or maybe it does but it's a temporary fix. I'd rather gently guide him to a real therapist.

Any reason I couldn't do both? He already feels crazy, defective, broken... .I'm thinking your "I" statement (boundary) could work, followed by a "you would benefit" (goal of therapy)... .as long as the timing is right... .not when he is mad or spiraling... .but when he's really open to it. I can usually tell... his voice sounds more soft and fragile, like a little boy asking his mom to kiss his skinned knee. He comes to me like I'm the wizard with all the answers... .I'd really like my answer to be something other than "whatever you think best I'll support you"... .that's mostly been my lame response and it seems to only frustrate him.

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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #27 on: April 08, 2015, 07:26:45 PM »

I'd suggest asserting the "I am not your therapist" boundary when it feels 'right' to you. There is a fine line between listening to what somebody is thinking and feeling... .and getting involved in fixing their mental health.

As you said, it doesn't seem to help him other than perhaps temporarily giving him a little relief, which is as likely to stop him from addressing the real issues as to help them.

You've got some feeling when it has gone too far, and can shut it down then... .it is OK for the precise location of that line to be a work in progress.

You also could recommend therapy for him.

One thing I would recommend is that before you mention it, do some research--figure out if there is a DBT program near you, if it is covered by insurance, if it has a waiting list... .perhaps even interview a few potential providers, looking for ones that are ready to deal with a patient with BPD like your partner.

That way, *IF* he does take a sudden interest in it, you can casually suggest one or two options for him, knowing that they will be pretty good choices. You can offer the names up the next day, as if you just found them in the phone book or insurance directory... .he doesn't have to know about the prep work.

You know him better than I do--you know when he might be receptive, or not. You have some idea how likely the whole idea is to trigger him... .use your judgement on it.

Best to only try once... .and drop it for quite a while if he doesn't bite.

I don't know how useful/safe leading the horse to water is--my wife kinda stumbled onto the BPD label without it coming from me... .although I kinda agreed with it... .even when she had left much of the behavior behind, she still had lingering pissyness over the "time I thought she was crazy."

In the leading a horse to water department... .I've heard good things about "A Football Life: Brandon Marshall" as he suffered from and was treated for BPD. Dunno if there is a way to find this and slide it into a netflix queue or something.
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Jessica84
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« Reply #28 on: April 08, 2015, 07:47:44 PM »

I don't know how useful/safe leading the horse to water is--my wife kinda stumbled onto the BPD label without it coming from me... .although I kinda agreed with it... .even when she had left much of the behavior behind, she still had lingering pissyness over the "time I thought she was crazy."

In the leading a horse to water department... .I've heard good things about "A Football Life: Brandon Marshall" as he suffered from and was treated for BPD. Dunno if there is a way to find this and slide it into a netflix queue or something.

This is why I had to stop watching Lifetime shows. All the scary ones are about some crazy woman with BPD! They actually mention it by name. No wonder the label burns. Who would want to wear it when TV only shows the most extreme and exaggerated cases? They all turn out to be murderous psychos!

Thanks for all the help and advice. My mom has also helped me do some research and found a few really good therapists, the best one being only a mile from his house. Really surprises me since she doesn't usually have much compassion or patience for most people. She also doesn't believe in mental illness... .or therapy... .but in his case, she definitely sees it and thinks he needs help. She knows all about his craziness (she's the main one I vent to!) but somehow still likes him.

I figure if I trigger him, I can always leave or hang up. Once he calms down he'll remember I'm not the devil and my heart was in the right place. But at least I will have planted the seed. I can leave it alone for awhile after that.
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #29 on: April 09, 2015, 07:20:05 AM »

 Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) Good to hear about the therapists.

I'd try to spend 5-10 minutes on the phone with the prospective ones saying "I believe my partner has BPD, even though he hasn't been diagnosed. Would you be interested in taking him as  a client, and what sort of treatment would you give him?"

Their answer will tell you a lot.
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