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Author Topic: My BPD Girlfriend is perfect, is there any hope?  (Read 839 times)
Abrahm

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« on: April 03, 2015, 05:52:54 AM »

Hi everyone, this is my first post here and I'll be extremely grateful to anyone who takes the time to read all of this.

Me and my BPDgf have been together for three months now. We met at University and have spent time together everyday (even if only at 11PM to talk and sleep) during that time. We are now apart during the easter holidays and right now things could not be better between us.

I'm new to both relationships and to BPD, and I'd say what helps us both is the communication and total honesty we have towards each other. Two months before we started going out she attempted suicide and was admitted to hospital for a short while. She's started DBT in September. Since we've been together she has cut herself twice (in the space of two days) and there was one other day we're she said she thought about suicide. Other than that the relationship has been perfect and I completely forget she has BPD.

I've been wanting to learn more about the disorder so have been trawling the internet. What I've found (particularly on this forum) has been extremely disheartening.

She is my perfect woman and I can't imagine feeling this way about anyone else (I know this might seem stupid as it's my first relationship but is it impossible to find this first time?). She absolutely adores me and said that she loved me after we'd been together for a week (I know). She always tells me that this is the happiest she's ever been in her life and it's because of me and she regularly talks about marriage and kids, but not as though she's trying to pressure me or that anything is a rush.

Many BPD behaviours which are common she does not have at all. Compulsive lying (she's the opposite), aggression, mood swings and having roller-coaster relationships. Like I said I forget that she even has BPD.

Coming on here and reading about the Honeymoon period, Idealization and devaluation has been very upsetting and concerning. It appears many people's relationships started out like mine did. I've read many different things saying in order to succeed you MUST 'do this' and 'don't do this'. I don't want to treat it like I'm dating the disorder. I only want to see her as the wonderful person she is. Is there any hope of a lasting relationship? Is being painted black inevitable?
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Aurylian
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« Reply #1 on: April 03, 2015, 12:26:41 PM »

Abrahm,

Welcome to the forum. 

Some of the things you said are key to the possibility this can work if you want it to. 

She's started DBT in September. Since we've been together she has cut herself twice (in the space of two days) and there was one other day we're she said she thought about suicide. Other than that the relationship has been perfect and I completely forget she has BPD.

Many BPD behaviours which are common she does not have at all. Compulsive lying (she's the opposite), aggression, mood swings and having roller-coaster relationships. Like I said I forget that she even has BPD.

I would highly recommend you looks at Steph's success story in "success stories" at the top of "Staying".  When a pwBPD knows they have a problem and they sincerely seek therapy, and they have a partner who is supportive, it really can work out quite well.  With time the r/s can become quite positive. 

There will be black times and swings, but if she can stay with her therapy then I don't see why you couldn't have what you want.

Does she seem serious about the therapy?
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EaglesJuju
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« Reply #2 on: April 03, 2015, 06:28:52 PM »

Hi Abrahm, 

I would like to join Aurylian and welcome you.

I understand that you can feel concerned with some of the things you read about BPD.  Don't be discouraged. 

People with BPD (pwBPD) behaviors can vary. BPD is thought of as a spectrum disorder, meaning there is a broad spectrum of behaviors and levels of intensity. As you mentioned, your pwBPD has low intensity or does not display some of the behaviors. Similar to non-disordered people, pwBPD are different too and do not all act the same.

Your pwBPD being in DBT is a huge.  DBT is one of the most effective types of therapy for pwBPD.  Besides the two cutting incidents and the suicidal ideation, how has she been responding to the DBT?

Echoing Aurylian, having a pwBPD who is self aware and is seeking help, is a great advantage to making a relationship work out. Also, our support by gaining knowledge of the disorder and being supportive is another positive.

Even with therapy, there may be times when your pwBPD will dysregulate and engage in maladaptive coping mechanisms, but there are tools for us to learn and use while supporting our pwBPD. 

Have you had a chance to look at the lessons on the right side of this page?

Looking forward to reading your response. 


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"In order to take control of our lives and accomplish something of lasting value, sooner or later we need to Believe. We simply need to believe in the power that is within us, and use it." -Benjamin Hoff
Abrahm

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« Reply #3 on: April 03, 2015, 06:40:37 PM »

Thank you both for your replies they are very comforting.

I made a mistake in my initial post she has NOT YET started the DBT, but rather she will do this September coming up. She is very self-aware in terms of the whole disorder and very mature in trying to deal with it. This means she isn't currently undergoing any therapy but, like I say, things have been very good so far this year.

One thing that I feel helps our relationship a lot is that we are completely comfortable discussing anything troubling either of us and were are always honest and supportive. I also talk a lot with her older brother about concerns I have and he is also very helpful.

Thanks a lot for the advice and I will take a look at the things both of you suggested Smiling (click to insert in post)
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EaglesJuju
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« Reply #4 on: April 03, 2015, 07:16:57 PM »

It is good that you can communicate with your pwBPD. Also, it is great that you can discuss your concerns with her older brother. 

What types of things are you having concerns with?
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"In order to take control of our lives and accomplish something of lasting value, sooner or later we need to Believe. We simply need to believe in the power that is within us, and use it." -Benjamin Hoff
JeanSchimmel

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« Reply #5 on: April 03, 2015, 09:57:38 PM »

Hello Abrahm, I'm pretty new at this forum myself. Life is partly what happens to you and what you make of your life (I think). I've been married to a uBPD for 26 years. Being married to a person with BPD is what your make of it, how well you handle it. Some days I'm strong enough for both of us, some days I'm weak and want out.

The fact that your SO knows they have BPD and are willing to receive treatment/help for it is a great thing. In my head it means that they are open to trying to understand themselves and try to control/curb some of their personality/behavior.

My relationship started off perfectly. With-in 6 months of knowing each other we got married. Our relationship was amazing! The actual day of our wedding my BPDH turned off like a light switch. His behavior changed drastically toward me.

Some days/weeks/years are better then others. It's been a very trying experience for me because I had no idea BPD existed. For 26 years all I knew was a bunch of odd/negative behaviors plagued my H and greatly effected our closeness/relationship. I just found out about BPD less then 2 weeks ago. It's been traumatic for me. Learning that someone you love has a mental illness feels a lot like someone you love having a physical illness, that can't be cured.

I think you've got a great advantage knowing she has this from the start of your relationship! So you can understand why she acts as she will (when her BPD) is raw and happening.  Having the internet and the ability to communicate in forums like this is wonderful. You can immediately access help and opinions from people around the world who understand what your talking about. Having that insight and support is priceless and it really can help you with your relationship.

You never know what will happen in your or her future, seriously. Maybe you'll stay together forever or maybe you won't. I wouldn't reject having a relationship with someone who has BPD, it isn't totally their fault. They can be as wonderful as people who are non-BPD.
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Abrahm

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« Reply #6 on: April 04, 2015, 05:20:39 AM »

EaglesJuju, concerns I've had in the past have been both related to BPD (the cutting incidents and the things I said in my initial post) as well as normal concerns for any relationship (getting over her slightly promiscuous past, trying to find out whether I still had feelings for another girl at the start of our relationship). These things I can always talk about with her and her brother and both are always very understanding. When I discussed my worries outlined in my first post both with my pwBPD and her brother they both said very similar things to you guys in your replies which shows they have a good understanding of the disorder (or you're all wrong  Smiling (click to insert in post) )

If I look at i most of the minor problems (there have been no major ones) we've had in our relationship they have mostly been down to me and my emotions as opposed to hers. She told me early on she had BPD and I think I've always felt as though I'd always have to be looking after her and helping to keep her emotions in check. It felt slightly like a burden. In reality this has rarely been the case and has happened vice versa just as much!  (as in any relationship!)

On the whole everything is wonderful, particularly now Smiling (click to insert in post) It's great to know that there is support and advice on here whenever I need it, thanks a lot guys  
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an0ught
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« Reply #7 on: April 06, 2015, 06:50:10 AM »

Hi Abram,

welcome to the forum  . I don't want to discourage you to continue the relationship, I do echo Aurylian sentiment that therapy - provided she sticks - can help her and you a lot. However I would caution you NOT to take BPD lightly at this point in time when everything is great. The roots for the problems down the line are growing in this very moment and once they take hold the honeymoon is over. Fortunately a lot can be mitigated if you are taking the right steps early. Please work through the LESSONS and acquire validation and boundary skills. It is much, much easier to establish boundaries right now (mainly by protecting natural existing boundaries) than later! It is much easier to practice good validation skills now while emotions are mainly excessive positive than having to start with validating excessive negative emotions.

Excerpt
Many BPD behaviours which are common she does not have at all. Compulsive lying (she's the opposite), aggression, mood swings and having roller-coaster relationships. Like I said I forget that she even has BPD.

Excerpt
One thing that I feel helps our relationship a lot is that we are completely comfortable discussing anything troubling either of us and were are always honest and supportive. I also talk a lot with her older brother about concerns I have and he is also very helpful.

Excerpt
If I look at i most of the minor problems (there have been no major ones) we've had in our relationship they have mostly been down to me and my emotions as opposed to hers. She told me early on she had BPD and I think I've always felt as though I'd always have to be looking after her and helping to keep her emotions in check. It felt slightly like a burden. In reality this has rarely been the case and has happened vice versa just as much!  (as in any relationship!)

Openness and honesty are very, very important  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) Keep in mind however that there is such a thing as over-sharing and there is a need for privacy too. Building a shared identity as a couple is an important step. Maintaining your own distinct identity is however vital!

Excerpt
Since we've been together she has cut herself twice (in the space of two days) and there was one other day we're she said she thought about suicide. Other than that the relationship has been perfect and I completely forget she has BPD.

Excerpt
Many BPD behaviours which are common she does not have at all. Compulsive lying (she's the opposite), aggression, mood swings and having roller-coaster relationships. Like I said I forget that she even has BPD.

Well, she is acting quite aggressive is she not? Her target is mostly herself. In some sense easier to handle initially until a threshold is reached and auto-aggression is not enough to regulate anymore. Don't underestimate the pressure she is under just because it is not so obvious. Validation skills help you to develop a better and deeper sense of where she truly is.

Excerpt
Me and my BPDgf have been together for three months now. We met at University and have spent time together everyday (even if only at 11PM to talk and sleep) during that time. We are now apart during the easter holidays and right now things could not be better between us.

Good for you that things are going so well  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) Good for you that you are spending some times apart as well - this is helpful for both sides to maintain a separate identity and avoid enmeshment  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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  Writing is self validation. Writing on bpdfamily is self validation squared!
EaglesJuju
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« Reply #8 on: April 06, 2015, 07:03:15 PM »

EaglesJuju, concerns I've had in the past have been both related to BPD (the cutting incidents and the things I said in my initial post) as well as normal concerns for any relationship (getting over her slightly promiscuous past, trying to find out whether I still had feelings for another girl at the start of our relationship).

Hi Abrahm,

Coping with cutting and suicidal ideation can be very hard.   Prior to therapy, my bf self-harmed quite often and attempted suicide. Those self-harming behaviors have decreased exponentially since he started therapy.  Therapy does work. 

Overall, I am glad that things have been working out so well for you.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) 

Along with all of the other sound advice, the one thing that is very important is to make sure you are taking care of yourself. From my experience, I got so caught up in my bf's behavior, I forgot about taking care of myself. I found I had little time to do things I enjoyed. 
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"In order to take control of our lives and accomplish something of lasting value, sooner or later we need to Believe. We simply need to believe in the power that is within us, and use it." -Benjamin Hoff
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