It's always about sex.

[OceansAway]

I've suspected for a long time that my husband has BPD (his mom was low-functioning, he is high-functioning) but today a switch flipped on my desire to embrace ways to cope, so this is my first foray into this community.  I'm working through reading the materials and getting a strategy together in terms of a commitment to taking care of myself with professional help and in terms of learning/adopting new communications strategies.  However, right now what I need is a hug.  

Yesterday, my husband had a bad day at work.  I could feel it in my stomach as I was driving home - that uneasiness that causes me to prep my defenses by thinking of every counter to the hypocritical accusations he might come up with.  (Obviously, I have my own conflict issues to work on.)  I know that conflict for my husband regarding work, or a friend, or any other factor outside of our relationship that would cause him emotional distress, the closest target for his rage is our sex life.  

I've read a few posts (though the vast majority seem to go another way so maybe someone can point me to resources?) about partners who are never sexually satisfied and constantly want it more.  We have sex minimally every other day, no matter the circumstances, but often every day.  If we go more than 48 hours without sex, he becomes difficult.  It happens in between criticism that I am unattractive, or over weight, or unshowered, but that is for a whole other post.  Back to last night though, I just couldn't do it.  I just couldn't listen, or be supportive and receptive to the pick pick picking apart of my libido.  So I didn't.

As soon as my husband said he was frustrated with our sex life, I disengaged.  I went to the kitchen, I made dinner, I left him a plate, went upstairs and closed the door to our bedroom.  He was not welcome and I let him know it, because I knew it would hurt him.  I was angry, and I let it out.  

Of course it wasn't a productive activity for even a normal relationship, and I know that.  I apologized for venting my anger in a way that was not working toward a solution.  Now, he's sleeping in the guest room and not speaking to me or telling me he doesn't care about anything I say or do.  

Despite everything we have been through, and put each other through, he's still my favorite person and I miss him.  So tonight, the anger is gone, and now I just feel sad.  

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[JohnLove]

Hello OceansAway. Welcome to bpdfamily. Sorry you had to come but glad you are here.

Have you looked at the DSM criteria to see if he meets the required personality traits? Many here will tell you that only a medical professional can make a diagnosis, but that isn't always going to happen in every situation, and doesn't always help with your suffering. I do agree that is the only way to make it "official" though.

The tools on this site are a great help for any difficult relationship especially one involving a pwBPD. I am very sorry that your SO main target for his rage is your sex life. Sex should be an amazingly close and intimate experience not something to be degraded or devalued... .no one should have to feel like that.

Men treat sex a little differently to women and often it is a release from stress and that is OK but not if it comes with negative aspects such as mocking, devaluing, and degradation. I am a man but it is not surprising you may have less interest when you are treated this way. It is not for your partner to "pick apart" your libido and I for one am not surprised you feel this way.

Sex without emotional closeness is just sex. Love making (sex with emotional intimacy) can be very fulfilling. Many men have enough trouble being in touch with their emotions from their FOO issues and pwBPD have deep emotional instability which only adds to this toxic mix. I feel you both need clarity with what you have and where you need to be for the relationship (and the sex) to be satisfying for you both. Sadly relationships with pwBPD can become abusive.

I can see you care for your partner in your closing statement and you tried to show you care and at least you considered him by making him some dinner and not just for yourself. Although caring shouldnt be at your "expense". I feel you may be experiencing BPD burnout by being repeatedly used to sooth your partners frayed emotions.

It is a normal response to disengage and protect yourself from the emotional assault that pwBPD are very good at. I wouldn't feel so bad about removing yourself from the situation and disengaging. This in itself is a strategy and can be a natural and helpful response. Rewarding negative behaviour can be far less helpful. This is called boundary setting. pwBPD very often have poor boundaries. You now need to move forward and connect with your partner in a meaningful way. You already understand this.

The emotions you have expressed regarding your situation are completely normal.

This is your hug. I hope the senior members can offer you some effective strategies.

[maxsterling]

Hi OceansAway - I want to welcome you to this site.  It sounds like you found us just in time, because the issue you are facing is something nearly all of us who date or are married to a pwBPD encounter.  I'm glad you are reading the lessons, because ultimately they will help you handle these situations in a way that both respects him and takes care of your needs.

I can't say the right or wrong way to handle this situation, other than that you will have to accept the reality of it.  And it may help to understand what is probably going on with him.  I think for most people with BPD, there is a confusion between sex, love, and friendship.  That's why so many people with BPD will cheat and not consider it cheating, have sex with people they don't consider dating partners, and have plenty of short sexual relationships.  Your husband may be needing sex in order to feel close to you or feel like you won't abandon him.  And if you say no, it then means something more than just "no".  People with BPD will often use sex to bond with others - sex creates the relationship.  Most everyone else sees sex as something that happens once the relationship is already built.

The reality here is that you have every right to say "no" to your husband regarding sex.  I deal with similar.  My wife can be in a piss-poor mood, complaining about everything, criticizing me, etc, then a few hours later wants sex, and I can't do it.  When I say that I am "too tired" she then feels abandoned, will claim I don't love her, or use that as a reason to rip me apart and start an argument.  the best advice when this happens is to not JADE (justify, argue, defend, or explain).   I try to recognize my wife's need, show her some other form of affection, then tell her "no" in a way that tries to leave her not feeling rejected.   If she wants to remain in a bad mood, I find my own space.  

[OceansAway]

Hello OceansAway. Welcome to bpdfamily. Sorry you had to come but glad you are here.

Have you looked at the DSM criteria to see if he meets the required personality traits? Many here will tell you that only a medical professional can make a diagnosis, but that isn't always going to happen in every situation, and doesn't always help with your suffering. I do agree that is the only way to make it "official" though.

Hi JohnLove, thank you for your post, and "virtual hug."  It unleashed a lot of tears, so I'm going to hold off responding to most of it, but wanted to say that of the nine criteria, my husband meets six (that I know of):  a strong reaction to the fear of abandonment, a history of troubled relationships with extremes in behavior, a poor sense of self, intense and frequent moodiness and irritability, an ongoing feeling of emptiness, and intense and uncontrollable anger.  He also seems to fit on the spectrum for NPD, particularly in lacking in empathy and dismissing people who are no longer of use to him.  He is not outwardly suicidal or self-destructive, except for disordered eating habits.  Often, his response to fear of abandonment is to "strike first" and we have recycled dozens of times in four years together. 

[OceansAway]

Your husband may be needing sex in order to feel close to you or feel like you won't abandon him.  And if you say no, it then means something more than just "no".  People with BPD will often use sex to bond with others - sex creates the relationship.  Most everyone else sees sex as something that happens once the relationship is already built.

maxsterling, thank you for sharing your experience, you clarified something I had been piecing together about my husband's feelings on sex.  When put in the context of BPD, it makes more sense that he would crave that bond.  He cheated in a previous marriage but said it took away part of his soul and he'd never do it again.  He's told me before that my "no" meant more than "no", but through my frustration at feeling like it was a guilt trip, I couldn't put it in context. 

[Aurylian]

My wife can be in a piss-poor mood, complaining about everything, criticizing me, etc, then a few hours later wants sex, and I can't do it.  When I say that I am "too tired" she then feels abandoned, will claim I don't love her, or use that as a reason to rip me apart and start an argument.  the best advice when this happens is to not JADE (justify, argue, defend, or explain).   I try to recognize my wife's need, show her some other form of affection, then tell her "no" in a way that tries to leave her not feeling rejected.   If she wants to remain in a bad mood, I find my own space.  

I have exactly the same situation.  It seems odd, but is probably quite common.  My wife does not need closeness to want sex.  For her, sex is the evidence that things are okay.  Nothing else will satisfy.  It makes it difficult because when I get home from work I hear how bad her friends are and how bad our daughters are (everyone else loves them) and if I make the mistake of saying too much then it comes my direction.  So, I at 10pm I'm exhausted and she is a night owl--and I have to initiate or it doesn't count.   

I'm probably handling this wrong, but in my case as long as I "provide" once a week then she seems to stay regulated.  If it is more than a week then watch out.   

[vortex of confusion]

Hi OceansAway! I want to join the others in welcoming you.

Sex is a very tricky topic and it is even trickier to navigate through all of the "stuff" that comes up when talking about it.

Here is an article called "When the sex is too Important": https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a114.htm

My husband is a sex addict. For years, things have been really messed up in that area of our lives. It felt like if I wanted it a lot, he didn't. If I didn't want it a lot, he did. I have been accused of being a sex addict myself for wanting to be intimate with my husband without the weirdness. And if I don't want it, then he acts like I am rejecting him as a person. My story is long and convoluted and twisted.

There was recently a thread about setting boundaries with regards to sex. Lots of food for thought regarding using sex as a weapon to punish a spouse versus saying no to protect yourself. You can read it here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=270490.0

I would also recommend reading the lessons that you can find on the right side of the board, especially the ones about communication. Learning how to communicate with a partner that exhibits BPD traits can be very tricky.

How long have you and your partner been married?

Do you have any kids?

The more you can share about your situation, the easier it is to give insights. A lot of the long timers here talk about finding predictability in the unpredictable. There are usually patterns behind the craziness. Once you can get a grip and start identifying patterns in your behavior as well as his, the easier it is to navigate things. It is still difficult but it helps you step off the roller coaster.

[formflier]

 




Please study this lesson

OceansAway,

I applaud you for taking a stand against the rages.  I hope you feel empowered by doing so.

Also want to send you a virtual hug...  

The behaviors you have been dealing with for a while are hurtful... .they are not good for you or your husband.

The reason I wanted to point you to that particular lesson above  (just click on it)... .is that consistency is important.

You've taken a stand against rages around sex... .it is very important that you don't appear to be against it one day... .and ok with it the other day. 

Looking forward to hearing your impressions after reading the lesson.

FF