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Author Topic: Letting go of resentment (before I get an ulcer)?  (Read 374 times)
OceansAway

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« on: April 03, 2015, 05:17:59 PM »

I hope this is the right use of these boards, but is there any help out there for letting go of all the barbs that my uBPDh has shot into me over years of fights?  I can't bear being a victim, or victimizing myself by believing them, any more. 

I can't seem to stop them from playing in my head when I'm trying my best to stay calm and emotionally controlled.  They come back to me when he's not even around and the unfairness of them makes me angry and so very resentful.  I have seen a few posts about not JADEing and how common it can be to feel like you have BPD fleas.  My patience is breaking and I feel like my bad habits are taking over.  How do people move on?
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« Reply #1 on: April 03, 2015, 06:04:43 PM »

It is difficult. 

In order to maintain the relationship, you often have to toss the idea of fairness out the window.  I gave up on fairness a long time ago--by my choice. 

Trust is the other issue.  Building trust can help remove past pains, but building trust with a pwBPD can be challenging too.

Radical Acceptance helps a lot.  When you can really learn and understand why our partners acted the way they did then it is easier to cut them some slack on things they said.  I can also look at things I said and did that made it worse at those times. 

One thing that helped me was in ways giving my BPDw the same grace I would give my kids when they were young.  Often they say things without really understanding what they are saying.  It is easy for us to understand that.  The same logic should apply to our partners as their emotional development is really on a similar level.
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If you act like a victim and blame the other person, you're missing an opportunity to grow.

Stalwart
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« Reply #2 on: April 03, 2015, 06:45:51 PM »

Hey Ocean:

I read your other thread about the current situation but I'll post here. Oh and by the way 

I really want you to be clear I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but I am related what I had to do to break free from the fear and self-harm you're experiencing. I don't know if this can work for you, you're the only one here that walked your past and know what possibilities exist.

I can feel the desperateness so easily in what you’re saying here and I can also feel exactly where you are. I think most of us on these boards have been or still are in just the same place.

You are so right in wanting to free yourself or make a change in that situation. As you already know holding on to the hurt from the past can be toxic and it is difficult to free yourself of. It isn’t impossible though and that’s the real important thing to focus on.

I had to do the exact same thing a couple of years ago and was in the exact same place you are. Any of us really do have the mental ability and strength to slam shut the door on our pasts and the hurtful memories of them and ‘change our own perspectives and realize an entire new path forward’ right NOW and change that. It sounds easy, but for me there were prerequisites I had to establish first in my thinking and my determinations.

I had to first of all come to real deep realization of exactly why my spouse acted the way she did and reacted in the way she was. What damage in her past could have enforced the behavior? I actually had a list of ‘”factors in upbringing that negatively affect children with BPD”. There needs to be a real deep and meaningful understanding of their struggles, acceptance of their mental illness and the absolute need to empathize with that. Empathy isn’t a key to unlocking his emotional upheaval – it is the key to unlocking yours.

I also needed a plan forward in my mind of what I wanted that new life to be and solidify that vision to commitment. Understanding some limitations as a result of his mental illness what can you visualize the very best scenario of what you want and what that can be and know that it can be.

The third and second last prerequisite was knowing how to change myself in order to make it better and having the strength to do that. There are things that must be changed and the fear of changing them sometimes inhibit finding our way. But knowing how to do that in your own given situation is the key to being able to change it for the better, ultimately for both of you. In your case it seems there one simple life lesson that you might want to set your compass on to lead by example and in so doing help to change his and it’s a simple rule of interactions. Positive begets positive.

It took time for my wife to set her mind and goals on that situation of entering everything in a positive manner, especially when inherently entering with a negative mindset was her normal interactions with me and others. It isn’t a perfect or immediate science and it takes patience and determination to influence. It is doable though.

But it means you have to have the courage and find the way to set that rhythm by talking to him about it. The fact is, would you ever say the hurtful things to him that he says to you? Honestly and sincerely opening up to the feelings you have leaves you vulnerable, but vulnerability can be a strength when it’s offered with a path forward from it and he knows you’re set on that path.

He really needs to know what’s wrong and hurtful and how hurtful that is and that you would never consider treating him that way because you love him, want him and need him your life. It really has to be enforced positively and not negatively as though a scolding or demeaning attack. The simple line positive begets positive really does need to be reinforced constantly when the negative is presented in some way. Time and persistence has a way of molding different realities if stay determined to the path you’ve envisioned.

The final prerequisite I found I needed to accomplish such a huge change was hope. To take hope and find it in even the smallest advancements towards the change. Using those small glimmers of hope and embellishing them with positive affirmation towards her when I saw them. I also told her that I needed to see that hope.

You have the ability to change your own reality if you have the vision to know what the end result you want is and stay true and strong to that course in an empathetic, loving and affirmative way that he can relate to.

None of us can survive in a situation of fear sweetheart and you don’t need to. To make change and have it happen, we have to create a situation of hope.

I’ll just leave you with the possibility of a vision Ocean. Lyrics I found appropriate at the time I decided to lock the door on the past and forge into a new future. It’s about the beginning and the path to what you want”

“How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes I struggle to find any truth in your lies And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know. This weakness I feel I must finally show... .  “

“And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears. And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears. Get over your hill and see what you find there, With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair”

Mumford and Sons

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OceansAway

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« Reply #3 on: April 03, 2015, 06:53:06 PM »

That context really helps.  Though should it feel like equating him to a child is somehow disrespectful?

I keep moving back and forth (on my own pendulum I suppose) about understanding and accepting his limitations as a pwBPD, and feeling on some level this resentment that he should get over himself and grow up emotionally.  I see this future laying out before me where I have to work around his condition, which he doesn't recognize and I can't discuss with him, by hiding self help books in my purse and logging into support groups late at night.  I didn't realize how angry I was until I started posting here a few hours ago, actually.

We all need slack, you are very correct.  I have a sharp tongue and a temper, without feeling the effects of BPD, and have done my part to introduce hurt into our relationship.  I'm feeling some anxiety that in looking for ways to cope, I'll lose respect for my husband for having an illness he's too fragile to even know he has.  I thought I married a partner, if sometimes not a good one.  Can I reconcile being understanding that he has child-like emotional reactions with still treating him as an equal?

If I value and respect his views, it gives truth to the horrible, nasty things he has said that thinking about still physically hurts my heart.  If I dismiss his hurtful comments, what stops me from dismissing all of his views when I don't agree or find them unpleasant?  Can I accept him without accepting his perception of me during those hurtful times?  I feel like I have no idea how to do that.  

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« Reply #4 on: April 03, 2015, 07:09:57 PM »

That context really helps.  Though should it feel like equating him to a child is somehow disrespectful?

 

I have so been where you are at right now. I have been so unbelievably angry. I married an adult not a friggin' child. I am trying think how to explain this. It is very confusing because they look like adults and are even capable of acting like adults at certain times. A person with BPD has arrested emotional development. It is a disease. The easiest way to understand it for me is to look at the development of my kids and see how it parallels my husband. It isn't that I treat him like a child. It is that it helps me to understand where he is at emotionally. Not sure if that makes any sense.

Excerpt
I keep moving back and forth (on my own pendulum I suppose) about understanding and accepting his limitations as a pwBPD, and feeling on some level this resentment that he should get over himself and grow up emotionally.  I see this future laying out before me where I have to work around his condition, which he doesn't recognize and I can't discuss with him, by hiding self help books in my purse and logging into support groups late at night.  I didn't realize how angry I was until I started posting here a few hours ago, actually.

Be prepared for more emotional diarrhea from yourself. When I came here and started sharing my story, I got so mad. The more I wrote, the madder I got. When I saw in writing what I had done and what I tolerated from my husband I was mad, angry, disgusted, and I don't know what other feelings have come up. I realized that I had buried so many feelings and emotions just to get by without fighting. I was basically living in denial. The more I participate here, the more I face reality. It isn't easy. One of the things that I have done is hop around the different boards. At one point, I was so angry that I had made up my mind that I was going to leave him ASAP. I went over to the leaving boards and wrote letters about how bad I wanted to leave. I have experienced all sorts of emotions about my husband. One minute I would hate him and the next I would feel sorry for him.

Excerpt
We all need slack, you are very correct.  I have a sharp tongue and a temper, without feeling the effects of BPD, and have done my part to introduce hurt into our relationship.  I'm feeling some anxiety that in looking for ways to cope, I'll lose respect for my husband for having an illness he's too fragile to even know he has.  I thought I married a partner, if sometimes not a good one.  Can I reconcile being understanding that he has child-like emotional reactions with still treating him as an equal?

A lot of us here, myself included, have sharp tongues and have introduced hurt into the relationship. That is when it helps to look at the Lesson called "Understanding Your Role in the Relationship."

I have zero respect for my husband. Respect is earned. I can have no respect for him while still treating him with respect. Sounds confusing I know. I have yet to find a good way to explain it. Under the BPD stuff, he is still a human being. I can focus on treating him with respect without actually having respect for him.

Excerpt
If I value and respect his views, it gives truth to the horrible, nasty things he has said that thinking about still physically hurts my heart.  If I dismiss his hurtful comments, what stops me from dismissing all of his views when I don't agree or find them unpleasant?  Can I accept him without accepting his perception of me during those hurtful times?  I feel like I have no idea how to do that.  

You have jumped in with lots of questions and that is great. I can hear the desperation and frustration in your posts. I have been there. It will take time and patience to sort this stuff out. There are a couple of things to sort out in what you said in what I have quoted. First, what is abuse? Identify that and put a stop to it with boundaries. I can validate that another person feels a certain way without agreeing with it. It sounds very convoluted and doesn't make a lot of sense until you read the lessons a couple of times and take a stab at trying put some of the tools into practice.

Take a deep breath! There are lots of people here that can give you guidance.
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OceansAway

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« Reply #5 on: April 03, 2015, 07:13:57 PM »

Thank you, Stalwart, for the understanding and advice.  I can't imagine going through this in the days before the internet connected strangers to support each other.  It's lonely enough in the world.  

I've tried the first point in the plan you laid out:  I started learning about BPD because of my husband's mother.  She need help that she never got, and her life was relentlessly miserable until she let her medical issues overwhelm her and she died in her early 60s.  I barely knew her, but her struggle was so evident and tragic.  But then, as I read, I saw more and more of my marriage in the description.  I can't imagine what my husband went through, and I am so saddened when I glimpse how he sees the world and us.  

To your second point, I'm committed.  I'm not strong enough to see where things go without some help to guide the situation.  I thought maybe I could, I'm so stubborn, but it's too much.  

In this relationship I have felt like I've grown past so many of my previous issues, but like fleas I have picked up so many others.  I don't recognize my temper or my lack of independence.  Taking charge is going to be an enormous challenge, and it makes me so sad to have to work on it alone because my partner just isn't available.  I'm grieving that as much hope as I have for our marriage and moving past where were are now - will I ever learn from him?  Will I always have to be the example?  Isn't that exhausting in its own way to need not to slip up?

It heartens me to hear that your wife is responding to your positivity.  I have used reversing roles to try to develop empathy from him, and once or twice he has applied it without my coaxing.  :)o you have tips on highlighting hurtful behavior without it sounding like scolding?  I get accused of that fairly regularly.  

Hope is certainly something in short supply.  This group is helping though.  

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Stalwart
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« Reply #6 on: April 04, 2015, 07:27:41 AM »

Hey Ocean:

Thanks for getting back. Sorry, this ended up longer than I intended but so much to say and answer.

You know what I can honestly say, (to myself anyway) about transforming my life was just how much I’ve grown, changed and learned to bring a better peace and harmony into both our lives by doing that. It’s far beyond the value that she’s gained in being freer to accept her place in our relationship – it’s about me having learned to be a better person and what I’ve gained.

“… will I ever learn from him?  Will I always have to be the example?” I don’t have an answer to this sweetheart. You will though. Changing the base condition of how you view yourself and your life will change his. Bottom-line is starting from the beginning and the first lesson I really had to focus in on and learn how to do was to stop making it worse. There just can’t be change without that preliminary step. You can already see that in your relationship when you’re writing.

Maybe to expect nurturing from another they have to feel nurtured themselves. Just like you he desperately needs to be in a safe environment, where he feels protected and safe for him to react with better responses. It sure sounds to me like that wasn’t his norm in childhood. But again, you are the one that can gain insight into why he reacts the way he does. There are reasons, and sometimes it means those reasons have to be radically accepted and not rationalized just for what they are, even if they wouldn’t have been our own norms or experiences given the same situations.

“Taking charge is going to be an enormous challenge…” It is an enormous challenge but it brings down the enormity when you realize that it’s only yourself and your own participation that you have to take charge of. You can’t change him, but by changing your own outlooks, actions, reactions and perspectives you can change the entire dynamics between both of you, and that will result in him changing his securities and interactions.

“Isn't that exhausting in its own way to need not to slip up?” You will slip up in the beginning while you build up your legs to run from a walk. You will have to pick yourself up and get back on the path. You will step off the edges of the path on the way, it’s not a clearly defined or probably a paved path you’ll be on.

It’s been my experience that it’s far less exhausting than living in chaos and disruption on a constant basis, never knowing what one moment will bring but knowing it will just keep getting worse unless it’s made better. No it isn’t exhausting when you can see small changes in the beginning because when you add them up they become big changes. The transformation is exhilarating, strengthening. That’s when it becomes a pleasure, not a chore, that’s when it becomes natural to you and you don’t have to plan or overthink your reactions, they just come naturally to you. That’s when you stop stumbling on the path and start to skip along it. That’s when you’ve found your legs and know they have the strength to carry you on the path. That’s when you know for all of the work in changing yourself it’s brought better to YOUR life.

We all have choices, even though they aren’t always pleasant. We all have the ability to walk out, to leave it behind. We also all have our reasons to stay and if that is the choice we make freely than we are free to make our own choices and destinies we’ve chosen better. We have that responsibility to ourselves and really - no one else.

“I can't imagine what my husband went through, and I am so saddened when I glimpse how he sees the world and us.”  You can’t change the world for him, but you can change how he sees “US.” By changing how he sees you.

“Do you have tips on highlighting hurtful behavior without it sounding like scolding?” I simply walk away and say that when you can discuss it without the attitude give me a shout because I would never say something that hurtful to you and I don’t expect you to speak that way to me either. It’s about maintaining boundaries of respectful behavior in the beginning. Honestly, regulating the relationship and abuses allows it to more naturally take its own course and build the trust and respect between each other again. Allowing disrespectful behavior condones it, enforced it and in turn too often allows us to partake in it as a natural defense that only worsens the situation to two “kids” shouting at each other in a prekindergarten schoolyard.

It’s terrible to lose respect. I know what that is, and exactly what that is to exist in. I know the disillusionment from the expectations you’d hoped for, the hurt, the loneliness, the disparity and the anger. It’s a deadlocked situation that can become a normal catalyst to really bad interactions between both of us. It was. That isn’t either a nurturing or safe place for either person to develop in. It’s toxic and impossible to live in for any prolonged time without your mental and physical health suffering. Remember it’s you that stands to benefit by changes; more so than him.

Maybe it’s not as much about admonishing the bad behavior as it is embellishing the good - taking that path and strategy. After all it’s about following one moral compass in everything you say and do and this is the most important part that actually does become natural to you when practiced. “POSITIVE BEGETS POSITIVE – negative begets negative.” Interactions are really that simple. Going into anything from a negative statement or action is not going to make a positive one out of it. Learning the opportunities to go into a negative situation positively isn’t always easy in the beginning, but the more it’s practiced the more naturally it reveals its opportunities and becomes the change in your own nature. We’ve all said to ourselves in some cases, “Don’t you just hate those people that are always  so ____ positive?” when really in our inner assessments we actually admire them for their ability.

We all have both in us, positivity and negativity. Believe me, when confronted there probably isn’t any one that is sharper, quicker, more able on his feet and mind and more able to calculated cut someone to pieces with my tongue and leave them in a defenseless conversation feeling like they’re worthless and putting them into a position where they don’t have the ammunition left to even engage. I’m good at it, but it isn’t good for me or them and can only bring a situation to a worse level.

It’s about managing and practicing what brings ‘good’ to you, in your own soul and in the opinions of others coming into an interactions with you. What brings peace, fulfillment and harmony to YOU? We have the choice to mold that and in so doing bring peace, harmony and happiness to ourselves. I say ‘the opinions of others’ but honestly that just comes as consequence. It’s about changing YOUR opinion of YOUR inner-self that brings the strength.

It’s about keeping your bearings on that true north of the compass regardless of the swamps, hills or rough terrain it takes you through, the bearing of positive begets positive. At the end of the path you clear the obstacles and find that meadow and pond to sit beside and truly enjoy the tranquility of it; if for no other reason it’s your tranquility and YOU walked the entire bush and what it threw at you  to get to that path. You earned every step of it yourself and you deserve it – there is no better reason to take on real change than that accomplishment.

Yup, maybe you will have to lead that path through the tougher winter months and trudge through the deeper snow to set out, and you may have to give him the footsteps to follow in to make it more guided for him. It’s about having the strength to break that path and only because the path you’re on is not the one that brings or will bring you happiness. When you’re headed in the wrong direction off the compass point it’s time to change direction and take another path or forge one yourself to end up where you need to be.



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« Reply #7 on: April 04, 2015, 06:54:07 PM »

You hear a lot about Acceptance. One aspect which is often overlooked is Acceptance of ourselves, our own capabilities, limitations and self worth.

Self doubt, guilt are our enemies.

The stronger the former acceptance the less impact the latter.

Long exposure to a BPD relationship has fed the latter while eroded the former. This leaves us riddled with doubt about who we are and our self worth.

Resentment is born out of a sense of hopelessness in coping with this barrage of devaluation

Reversing this takes a long time, but it can be done. That is the first belief you need.
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