very bad rage... i stumbled again and SO made it about empathy... again

[rise_up]

warning--- long post:

oh dear readers... .it has been less than 2 weeks since my last post... .i might as well have copied and pasted it... .because the core issues are the same again... .

my SOwBPD and i had such a wonderful week. we were going to start our weekend together with me playing music at a local coffee shop and then go out for drinks together. i come home from work and she is getting ready and greets me with a smile, but i know something is off. i ask if she is ok and she says, "... .im just sad... .and i dont know why... .well i do know why... ."

concerned, i stayed to listen. she said, "... .im sad that i dont have any friends... .i dont know if its me or others or im doing something wrong... ."

there is no rage here... .so enter my default problem-solving mode instead of comforting. i respond with a question, "... you feel like you're doing something wrong... ?

it went downhill and was the catalyst for a disastrous evening. she said,"why cant you just say something simple instead of quizzing me? why do you expect me to be strong all the time? i hardly share what im feeling with you and the one time i carefully choose to let you know what im going through... .just simply and quietly share a feeling... .you ask a question and go into problem solving mode... "

when i apologized and tried to make it right, i got a "just go away".

so i let her be. 30 minutes later she comes back with the same thing. i finally said, "i knew the minute i walked in that something what wrong and my heart hurt to see you hurting... ." she said "was that so hard? you over complicate everything... ."

she was still very calm but also very sad. she said i know you love me, you think too hard. i continued to listen. we left the house and i mentioned something about my day and she said "thats very insensitive of you".

i kept getting it wrong. we got to the venue and needed some time to herself. when she came in, i asked her what i could get her to drink while she used the restroom. when the bar didnt have what she wanted, i stepped out of line to tell her they were out of her drink and if she wanted anything else. she made that 'face' at me... ."you stepped out of line just to ask me that? you cant do anything by yourself?"

i got her something and again, "was that so hard?" and she continued to start up again "youre selfish and couldnt do the simplest thing when i shared my feelings... ." an hour of that continued and i tried and tried to make it right but she would keep interrupting and negating everything. i got upset and she said that my tears were not for me but for myself. she said, "im done meeting you half way... .ive been waiting for you during our entire relationship and youve done nothing. im going to the bar. just meet me there when you're done."

and so i did. she had been drinking at that point. i addressed her and she ignored me and then said "how does it feel to be treated as invisible? hmm? to not be acknowledged"... .then "so... .are you having fun? did you perform?" sarcastically with that manipulative fake smile.

i did my performance and she started laughing at me. "of course you did you selfish thing. i gave you so many chances to make things right. you did not recover... .you still did what you wanted because you dont care. you left me alone... .and wanted the attention and applause... .you dont care"

she wanted to go home so we got back in the car and the drive home was the worst. she began yelling so loudly... .(a boundary for me)... .she was hitting the dashboard... .telling me how stupid she felt for marrying me. how seflish, spoiled and privileged i am and have no empathy at all. "i cant believe i married something with absolutely no empathy... .how stupid could i be... .you dont do the basic things... .youve done nothing"... .at the top of her voice and constantly hitting the steering wheel. "you have no idea what my life has been like... you dont know me... you dont know me... .i felt so trapped... ."... then i snapped and yelled back "of course i haven't experienced your life!"... .not good... .fell silent. she parked at home and continued to yell. when i would say anything, she would make this motion with her hand saying 'blah blah blah you keep talking crap"... .and then laugh at me.

i could finally feel like i could exit the car and asserted my boundary saying im going to my own car for 15 mins... for the first time she said "leave and im not coming back. you will not have anyone sleeping next to you". i got scared... .spineless... and stopped exiting. she just yelled at the top of her lungs so loud that spit came flying out, "JUST GO!" i took my things and walked out. exactly 15 mins later, lo and behold she is at home. she goes to bed and i calmly say, "i love you and i hope you sleep well." she responds with "i dont care. you left. leave me alone. i dont care. you left. leave me alone." repeating 5 or 6 times. i calmly say ok and leave the bedroom. and so here i am now. i doubt she will remember some of this tomorrow... .but i also doubt that our weekend will recover.

guys, when i'm calm... .i know what to do. during our good week, we even talked about how i need to be more careful about being defensive and do a better job with listening and validating. she responds with how her inappropriate emotional expression is her work to do as well. it has been less than 10 days since her last rage... .im trying to make sense of my actions and what i need to improve... .i just dont feel like i am been given a chance. the slightest slip and i wind up like a tense spring... i dont rise up... .and i cant get out of my anxiety. i really need some help... .

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[Loosestrife]

warning--- long post:

oh dear readers... .it has been less than 2 weeks since my last post... .i might as well have copied and pasted it... .because the core issues are the same again... .

my SOwBPD and i had such a wonderful week. we were going to start our weekend together with me playing music at a local coffee shop and then go out for drinks together. i come home from work and she is getting ready and greets me with a smile, but i know something is off. i ask if she is ok and she says, "... .im just sad... .and i dont know why... .well i do know why... ."

concerned, i stayed to listen. she said, "... .im sad that i dont have any friends... .i dont know if its me or others or im doing something wrong... ."

there is no rage here... .so enter my default problem-solving mode instead of comforting. i respond with a question, "... you feel like you're doing something wrong... ?

it went downhill and was the catalyst for a disastrous evening. she said,"why cant you just say something simple instead of quizzing me? why do you expect me to be strong all the time? i hardly share what im feeling with you and the one time i carefully choose to let you know what im going through... .just simply and quietly share a feeling... .you ask a question and go into problem solving mode... "

when i apologized and tried to make it right, i got a "just go away".

so i let her be. 30 minutes later she comes back with the same thing. i finally said, "i knew the minute i walked in that something what wrong and my heart hurt to see you hurting... ." she said "was that so hard? you over complicate everything... ."

she was still very calm but also very sad. she said i know you love me, you think too hard. i continued to listen. we left the house and i mentioned something about my day and she said "thats very insensitive of you".

i kept getting it wrong. we got to the venue and needed some time to herself. when she came in, i asked her what i could get her to drink while she used the restroom. when the bar didnt have what she wanted, i stepped out of line to tell her they were out of her drink and if she wanted anything else. she made that 'face' at me... ."you stepped out of line just to ask me that? you cant do anything by yourself?"

i got her something and again, "was that so hard?" and she continued to start up again "youre selfish and couldnt do the simplest thing when i shared my feelings... ." an hour of that continued and i tried and tried to make it right but she would keep interrupting and negating everything. i got upset and she said that my tears were not for me but for myself. she said, "im done meeting you half way... .ive been waiting for you during our entire relationship and youve done nothing. im going to the bar. just meet me there when you're done."

and so i did. she had been drinking at that point. i addressed her and she ignored me and then said "how does it feel to be treated as invisible? hmm? to not be acknowledged"... .then "so... .are you having fun? did you perform?" sarcastically with that manipulative fake smile.

i did my performance and she started laughing at me. "of course you did you selfish thing. i gave you so many chances to make things right. you did not recover... .you still did what you wanted because you dont care. you left me alone... .and wanted the attention and applause... .you dont care"

she wanted to go home so we got back in the car and the drive home was the worst. she began yelling so loudly... .(a boundary for me)... .she was hitting the dashboard... .telling me how stupid she felt for marrying me. how seflish, spoiled and privileged i am and have no empathy at all. "i cant believe i married something with absolutely no empathy... .how stupid could i be... .you dont do the basic things... .youve done nothing"... .at the top of her voice and constantly hitting the steering wheel. "you have no idea what my life has been like... you dont know me... you dont know me... .i felt so trapped... ."... then i snapped and yelled back "of course i haven't experienced your life!"... .not good... .fell silent. she parked at home and continued to yell. when i would say anything, she would make this motion with her hand saying 'blah blah blah you keep talking crap"... .and then laugh at me.

i could finally feel like i could exit the car and asserted my boundary saying im going to my own car for 15 mins... for the first time she said "leave and im not coming back. you will not have anyone sleeping next to you". i got scared... .spineless... and stopped exiting. she just yelled at the top of her lungs so loud that spit came flying out, "JUST GO!" i took my things and walked out. exactly 15 mins later, lo and behold she is at home. she goes to bed and i calmly say, "i love you and i hope you sleep well." she responds with "i dont care. you left. leave me alone. i dont care. you left. leave me alone." repeating 5 or 6 times. i calmly say ok and leave the bedroom. and so here i am now. i doubt she will remember some of this tomorrow... .but i also doubt that our weekend will recover.

guys, when i'm calm... .i know what to do. during our good week, we even talked about how i need to be more careful about being defensive and do a better job with listening and validating. she responds with how her inappropriate emotional expression is her work to do as well. it has been less than 10 days since her last rage... .im trying to make sense of my actions and what i need to improve... .i just dont feel like i am been given a chance. the slightest slip and i wind up like a tense spring... i dont rise up... .and i cant get out of my anxiety. i really need some help... .

Hi

I'm really sorry you were treated like this, a lot of your experience  bought back some of my own memories. I don't think you can do anything in these situations, you could be Darren Brown and she could write what your perfect reponses would be on a card 5 mins before and she would still say you said the wrong thing. I'm not suprised she doesn't have friends. The only piece of good advice I was ever given is be yourself. If you pander and bottle up your own feelings it will only erode your own confidence and self. If you say you are going to take a time out then follow through. You are trying to tame a wild toddler. My advice is get yourself into therapy and check in with how all of this is effecting your health. Hope you manage to get some rest.

L

[babyducks]

Hi rise_up

I am sorry that you went through all that.   I know how difficult and frustrating that can be.   

I just had a similar experience with my partner coming back to the same topic, the same question, over and over and me not being able to extract myself from the circular conversation.

You said at the end of your post that when you are calm you know what to do but you don't feel like you are being given a chance.  Did I get that right?   

I am wondering when do you think the conversation went astray for you?  at what point do you see the first clue that this might be ramping up into something?

'ducks

[waverider]

This was always going to go astray, she was going to use you as an avenue to project her disappointment., probably initially at herself.

You made one tiny less than perfect response, that was no crime. You then went into JADE rather than boundaries. That gave green light to focus her internal blame on you. You attempted a boundary. She applied extinction burst. You caved. This reinforced to her how weak and hopeless she sees you as. This increases her distrust that you are capable of being supportive. (This is her reasoning). It will ensure next time you attempt a boundary she will attempt to crush it.

Not attempting to diagnose, fix, or imply you know what she is feeling is the best initial response. Ask how she feels and if she knows why? Then she may open up and give her version of how she feels. You making suggestions is stealing her script.

Of course you are not expected or obliged to "do the perfect response', and as such over the top reactions like this should not be tolerated. Let her make whatever threats, exit the scenario. sharing a problem is one thing but dumping it all on you is another.

She has turned her problem into your problem. This is what you have to work on preventing.