Feeling very unsure about what will happen with relationship

[Depression = 72% of members]

First of all, I would like to say that I am not entirely certain that my SO has BPD. I became aware of the disorder at the suggestion of my therapist, as I've spent the majority of my sessions describing him and our problems to her, and that was her assessment. I realize this does not qualify as an official diagnosis, but I trusted her enough to research the topic within the context of his behavior and our relationship dynamic. I've spent nearly four years with my SO, and his behavior has baffled me enough that it has helped to find a disorder with criteria that suits him and potentially explains what's going on.

I’ve been with my SO for four years. My head is spinning again. We have had a couple of short breakups, lasting 1-2 months, and a few more “breakups” that never came to fruition, but were more like periods of separation that spanned only a few days. One time I got fed up and tried to break up with him, then he came crawling back, begging me to forgive him, promising he would change.  That is one time that I can identify where a deep fear of abandonment was likely set off within him. The rest of the times, he has been the one to initiate breaking up, which seems to follow a pattern of occurring once he senses that I am questioning the relationship and have the potential to leave him. It’s like he has to be the one to do it to me first. Not in a petty way, but it’s as if his livelihood depends on it. Recently, we have talked a couple times about me moving in after I graduate, which is a few weeks away. I already essentially live with him as it is, so this to me does not seem like a shocking or threatening change, but I think to him it has set off something that he can’t cope with.

He will lead me to believe and explicitly tell me that things are going well, he wants to marry me, he wants to live together, he loves me. Then, within a period of days or sometimes weeks after expressing these things, he will abruptly share that he thinks we should break up. He will describe how he has been feeling overwhelmed, yet his actions and words toward me throughout this same period do not match up with those emotions. Essentially, he hides his true feelings from me, making it sound like he was doing the right thing by telling me what he thought I wanted to hear, then comes to a rash conclusion all on his own, with me never even being aware or having an opportunity to be considerate of his feelings or apprehensions. Often he will claim that he didn’t mean what he said before, just to suit what he currently wants to say – this applies to both good things and bad things. It feels like any time the relationship becomes too real or visceral, or one of us is too exposed or vulnerable, he can’t handle it and he pulls far away. I think this is okay with him because essentially he is in control, and we remain in enough contact that he isn’t completely alone or abandoned. A few days ago he told me while crying uncontrollably that he doesn’t want to break up, but needs to. Doing my very best not to invalidate him, I tried to point out that things have been going well, and no concrete episodes occurred to set off a real problem, and that I feel it would be a shame to walk away because of anxieties based on the future or on a fear of intimacy. He circumvents all of these points and repeats that “we just aren’t meant to be together”. He tells me that he doesn’t feel the exact way about me that he did at the beginning, and I point out that that often is not how a relationship works as it progresses, that feelings are not absolute and that they should evolve. It feels like he is striving for absolute perfection, a dream relationship with a dream partner who is not negatively affected by anything. I try to gently suggest that he put less pressure on himself to feel the way he thinks he should feel, and to let things happen without forcing them, or creating obstacles. In the past, his suggestions of breaking up have felt more of like a test to me, a cry for help, testing my loyalty to see whether I will abandon him or stay and try to make it work. As any time I have actually agreed with him to end it, he has seemed shocked by the reality and has made concessions to make it work.

He has never gone very long between relationships. He cheated once that I know of, ten years ago. I think he has a massive fear of being alone or without someone to fill the void he has. Outwardly, he sometimes seems confident and strong, but I’ve come to learn that his ego is incredibly fragile and can be shattered in an instant. I’m not sure what it says about me that I have spent this much time with a person like this. I know that I’m intelligent, kind and have a lot to offer, yet I’ve spent countless amounts of time and effort trying to maintain an unhealthy relationship with a person who seems to be incapable of being an equal part of a partnership. I plan to post again when my thoughts are clearer. Right now, I am just so relieved to have found this forum, and hoping someone can understand what’s happening. I’m not sure what will come of the relationship.

[confusedwoman]

First of all, I would like to say that I am not entirely certain that my SO has BPD. I became aware of the disorder at the suggestion of my therapist, as I've spent the majority of my sessions describing him and our problems to her, and that was her assessment. I realize this does not qualify as an official diagnosis, but I trusted her enough to research the topic within the context of his behavior and our relationship dynamic. I've spent nearly four years with my SO, and his behavior has baffled me enough that it has helped to find a disorder with criteria that suits him and potentially explains what's going on.

I’ve been with my SO for four years. My head is spinning again. We have had a couple of short breakups, lasting 1-2 months, and a few more “breakups” that never came to fruition, but were more like periods of separation that spanned only a few days. One time I got fed up and tried to break up with him, then he came crawling back, begging me to forgive him, promising he would change.  That is one time that I can identify where a deep fear of abandonment was likely set off within him. The rest of the times, he has been the one to initiate breaking up, which seems to follow a pattern of occurring once he senses that I am questioning the relationship and have the potential to leave him. It’s like he has to be the one to do it to me first. Not in a petty way, but it’s as if his livelihood depends on it. Recently, we have talked a couple times about me moving in after I graduate, which is a few weeks away. I already essentially live with him as it is, so this to me does not seem like a shocking or threatening change, but I think to him it has set off something that he can’t cope with.

He will lead me to believe and explicitly tell me that things are going well, he wants to marry me, he wants to live together, he loves me. Then, within a period of days or sometimes weeks after expressing these things, he will abruptly share that he thinks we should break up. He will describe how he has been feeling overwhelmed, yet his actions and words toward me throughout this same period do not match up with those emotions. Essentially, he hides his true feelings from me, making it sound like he was doing the right thing by telling me what he thought I wanted to hear, then comes to a rash conclusion all on his own, with me never even being aware or having an opportunity to be considerate of his feelings or apprehensions. Often he will claim that he didn’t mean what he said before, just to suit what he currently wants to say – this applies to both good things and bad things. It feels like any time the relationship becomes too real or visceral, or one of us is too exposed or vulnerable, he can’t handle it and he pulls far away. I think this is okay with him because essentially he is in control, and we remain in enough contact that he isn’t completely alone or abandoned. A few days ago he told me while crying uncontrollably that he doesn’t want to break up, but needs to. Doing my very best not to invalidate him, I tried to point out that things have been going well, and no concrete episodes occurred to set off a real problem, and that I feel it would be a shame to walk away because of anxieties based on the future or on a fear of intimacy. He circumvents all of these points and repeats that “we just aren’t meant to be together”. He tells me that he doesn’t feel the exact way about me that he did at the beginning, and I point out that that often is not how a relationship works as it progresses, that feelings are not absolute and that they should evolve. It feels like he is striving for absolute perfection, a dream relationship with a dream partner who is not negatively affected by anything. I try to gently suggest that he put less pressure on himself to feel the way he thinks he should feel, and to let things happen without forcing them, or creating obstacles. In the past, his suggestions of breaking up have felt more of like a test to me, a cry for help, testing my loyalty to see whether I will abandon him or stay and try to make it work. As any time I have actually agreed with him to end it, he has seemed shocked by the reality and has made concessions to make it work.

He has never gone very long between relationships. He cheated once that I know of, ten years ago. I think he has a massive fear of being alone or without someone to fill the void he has. Outwardly, he sometimes seems confident and strong, but I’ve come to learn that his ego is incredibly fragile and can be shattered in an instant. I’m not sure what it says about me that I have spent this much time with a person like this. I know that I’m intelligent, kind and have a lot to offer, yet I’ve spent countless amounts of time and effort trying to maintain an unhealthy relationship with a person who seems to be incapable of being an equal part of a partnership. I plan to post again when my thoughts are clearer. Right now, I am just so relieved to have found this forum, and hoping someone can understand what’s happening. I’m not sure what will come of the relationship.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[confusedwoman]

I wanted to add some things. My SO is unable to accept criticism or feedback, no matter how constructive, gentle, or honest. I spend a great deal of effort trying to be as kind as possible if there is something that needs to be discussed. Occasionally, he seems to take this well (initially), but most times he accuses me of talking to him like he's a child. It feels like I can't really win, which I'm starting to see is the overall theme of this relationship dynamic.

His word seems to have no meaning. The things he says that he will do are never guaranteed to actually occur. Sometimes he follows through, sometimes he doesn't, but when the latter occurs, it feels as if I should have known that he didn't really mean it when he first said it.

It's becoming heartbreaking to feel a lack of commitment from him. At the same time, the more I research his behavior and the way it impacts my reactions and our relationship as a whole, the more I feel somewhat comforted. I still care about him, and am trying to make sense of why I'd stay and subject myself to more of this push-pull cycle, and it's a difficult choice to make either way.

Could anyone offer some input, or advice? I'm very willing to provide more information as my thoughts become focused enough to share it.

[confusedwoman]

I am also realizing how much my reactions to the push-pull cycle with my SO contributed in a negative way, though I had no idea at the time that I was dealing with a person who was on a completely different level. I thought we were equally emotionally competent, and that he was choosing to be hurtful. Recently, I've gotten a better grip on this concept of BPD and have found much better ways to communicate -- even if it doesn't ultimately make much difference, I feel a difference and more of a peace within myself that I have reacted in a more productive way. In a sense, it also feels like me learning better communication has, at times, been detrimental to the overall well being of the relationship. It seems like my SO thinks somewhere along the line that if we can communicate more effectively with one another, this will in time bring us closer together, and that's something that he just can't allow to happen.

It's been a few days now since he has broached the topic of breaking up, and our contact has been limited. I wrote him an email trying to be comforting and supportive. I almost feel a sense of relief that we are on the brink, that we may not go back for another round, but at the same time my heart hurts deeply after this long of alternating between being his best friend and companion who he admired, and a useless object on which to inflict verbal abuse, silent treatments, and deceptive promises.

[confusedwoman]

One more thing. As I read more about BPD, I find that a couple of the traits seem to resonate with me, as in, I may have them myself. I get the sense sometimes that my SO doesn't care about me the way he says, and insecurities come to the forefront of my emotions. However, is it possible that this is a justified response, being that he IS so unsure, unstable, that I am concerned for good reason? I'm ashamed of some of the small things I've become bothered by, but it always felt at those times that the possibility of being considerate of his partner's wishes did not cross his mind.

I apologize again for being so all over the place. I am trying to remain grounded while beginning to make sense of what is happening, and deciding what should happen with the relationship.

[JohnLove]

Hello confusedwoman, it probably helped you just to write that out. Writing down your feelings and problems you are enduring can often help with clarity by thinking about them in a new way.

You may feel a little all over the place being in a BPD FOG and looking for clear answers and understanding by shifting your thinking and exploring every avenue. The experiences and behaviours of your SO are very much right out of the BPD playbook. It is quite sad and often tragic that a relatively "normal" reciprocal relationship is often beyond them, especially when their controlling behaviours take the forefront. This makes it very difficult to have a positive influence or for them to see things logically. BPD minds are very weak logically. The voice of reason makes almost no sense to them.

Empty words are common. Hollow thanks and defensive sorrys are common. The push/pull behaviour. Hiding true feelings or not even being in touch with them due to an underdeveloped sense of self. not being able to accept any sort of criticism is more about not being able to be wrong. BPD is a shame and fear based disorder. Being wrong could very well be the end of his "world" that he has constructed for himself. If he feels like you are talking to him as a child, then maybe he is feeling like one... .or he still is one?

The lack of following through and then finding it acceptable or that you should've understood is disordered thinking, especially when the change of heart has not been conveyed to you.

These "another round" that you describe sound more like BPD recycles. He is struggling to maintain control of himself, the relationship, and YOU. Your breakups seem more based on you trying to escape the madness and protect yourself emotionally and his constant breakups seem more to do with the aforementioned goals.

Communicating effectively with a person suffering BPD is an elusive goal, but a noble one if you really care about the person. Expect to stumble. Expect there to be problems no matter how hard you try. Expect to fail even if you get it exactly right.   It is an ongoing process and validation is key. pwBPD have severe trust issues and that needs to be built up over a very long time. To a pwBPD feelings = facts. Beware of this.

In your last post you feel as though you may have some BPD traits yourself. Being in a relationship with a can cause you to pick up fleas  or BPD traits or coping behaviours. Don't worry if you think you might have BPD because self awareness or introspection or even asking that question is completely out of kilter with the disorder.

That said almost everyone has traits. I have 2/9 which does not qualify for a diagnosis and even those traits are minimal. They have more to do with how I feel.

Everything I have written is just my 2c. Hope it helps. 

It is good that you have a T to help you with your feelings and decisions.

[confusedwoman]

JohnLove,

Thanks so much for your reply. It did help to get my thoughts out in the open and visible for me to see. I'm glad that the behaviors I've described actually align with traits of BPD, and that there is at least an explanation for them. I'm now trying to decide whether I should give him a few days' worth of space and time to think/be alone, or if I should contact him offering support and openness. It feels like he can find issue with either way. His wishes to breakup most often do not come to fruition. I will have to see/contact him again since I still have many belongings in his apartment, which I think he likes, possibly using it as a tool to make sure I don't become too distant. It wouldn't surprise me if this all "blew over", so to speak. I think for now, it is probably best that I allow myself some time for self-care. Any additional advice is appreciated.

[an0ught]

Welcome confusedwoman,

it is quite a relief to put a name to something so confounding. Whether or not it is BPD may be a secondary question for now as most of this board is founded on general healthy principles which will help to stabilize relationships.

His word seems to have no meaning. The things he says that he will do are never guaranteed to actually occur. Sometimes he follows through, sometimes he doesn't, but when the latter occurs, it feels as if I should have known that he didn't really mean it when he first said it.

What if he does not really want to express meaning but evoke an emotion in you? Understanding how a pwBPD communicates can be very en-lighting. Behind rationale sounding words there is often little reason and a lot of feelings.

My SO is unable to accept criticism or feedback, no matter how constructive, gentle, or honest. I spend a great deal of effort trying to be as kind as possible if there is something that needs to be discussed. Occasionally, he seems to take this well (initially), but most times he accuses me of talking to him like he's a child. It feels like I can't really win, which I'm starting to see is the overall theme of this relationship dynamic.

Feedback is often invalidating and results in emotional overload. Generally it is best to limit feedback to the essential bits and follow SET and and to a lesser extent DEARMAN patterns when sharing feedback (see corresponding workshops). At this stage where you and he is generally the best is to focus not on behavior but managing his emotional excitement level. The calmer he is the more rationale he will act by himself.

You'll find pointers to the most important information in the LESSONS. Knowledge is giving you the first relief but then a lot depends on acquiring skills especially validation, SET and boundaries.

,

a0

[confusedwoman]

Hi an0ught, thanks so much for your reply. I definitely understand at this point that feedback should be very limited and I should only try to broach very essential subjects. I'm not sure what you meant by the following, could you help me to understand?:

His word seems to have no meaning. The things he says that he will do are never guaranteed to actually occur. Sometimes he follows through, sometimes he doesn't, but when the latter occurs, it feels as if I should have known that he didn't really mean it when he first said it.

What if he does not really want to express meaning but evoke an emotion in you? Understanding how a pwBPD communicates can be very en-lighting. Behind rationale sounding words there is often little reason and a lot of feelings.

Do you mean that his intention is to make me feel something, an emotion, and that the words are more representative of this than of their actual meaning? What would be the purpose?

Thank you very much.

[an0ught]

Hi confusedwoman,

Do you mean that his intention is to make me feel something, an emotion, and that the words are more representative of this than of their actual meaning? What would be the purpose?

Thank you very much.

there is nothing without a purpose - but please pay attention - we humans operate a lot on emotional level and cognition is not always aware of it. In pwBPD the lack of awareness is profound so don't take purpose as conscious intent.

The "purpose" is to fulfill his need. This is quite legitimate but the mechanisms that have taken root are broken and so the means of getting needs filled are often destructive.

An example of confused communication. For the sake of argument let's assume he struggles to express hunger as he is weight conscious. You could see any of the following:

- Him asking you: "Are you hungry?". You answering: "No". Him getting angry at you... .

- Him becoming obsessed with the level of gas in the tank for no good reason during a drive. Getting more and more agitated about the gas. You are puzzled and tell him the gas level is sufficient for the trip back and some. He is exploding... .

Often the need of him is not a basic physical need but the need for validation in order to regulate his emotion. Adults usually have a certain capability for self validation - they get hungry but realize they are not in real danger and can dial the feeling a bit back. The way this works is by recognizing the emotion and processing it cognitively&emotionally. He struggles with that. When he got obsessed with the gas it would have helped if you mentioned having a burger would be great for you. Just mentioning food might have been enough for him to get again a handle on himself.

But of course you got no clue - guy is talking nonsense about the car mileage. Any attempt to correct his reasoning with math seems to fail. He starts yelling that woman don't understand math. You sigh but keep smiling and mention that you got better grades than him. Then he says that lesbians can't count. For the sake of the argument let's assume you are very insecure of your sexuality, have yesterday shared some bisexual thoughts and are now truly hurt and start crying. He starts relaxing and is calming down and says he is hungery. What happened?

Hunger got out of control. Emotions that are out of control become visible as anger and their origin becomes clouded. He then grasped any kind of argument using ad hominem attacks (first math, then sexuality) to get under your skin. Once you display sufficient pain and anger and he sees that his emotional system is able to dial back his anger and he becomes more rationale. For whatever reason in this story here he also gets calm enough to feel his own hunger. Please note he is not much aware of what he is doing - this happens mainly on auto-pilot on an instinctive level.

A normal person is able to self validate.

In a BPD relationship often emotions are first transfered to the non partner and then when the non starts displaying these emotions the pwBPD can regulate the own emotions. This feedback loop works in two modes: Positive emotions are transfered and positive emotions are displayed back. Negative emotions are transfered and negative emotions are displayed back. The former happens during the honeymoon phase. The latter is what we see mostly on this board.

Transferring negative emotions is often quite easy: Simply invalidate and the other person gets angry.

Validation of negative emotions can preempt the pwBPD invalidating us and alone for that reason is a good idea as there is a plus side for us. It is much easier (still not fun) to say "It suck the account is in the red" than getting told we bought too much milk (mostly consumed by him so we get baited into an argument allowing him to see us getting angry so he can process his own frustration about the finances).

[confusedwoman]

Wow, an0ught, you've described so well what I don't think that I can describe myself. The BPD behavior is so odd sometimes, and it's hard to put a finger on why. I think you've hit the nail on the head with how the issue at hand and the way in which it is manifested can often be *completely* different... .and this can be so baffling. It's not like we can guess how the BPD person will react to something, or when this will happen, but it's quite helpful just to be aware of the concept.