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Author Topic: Ex Now Has bf Helping Coach S7  (Read 433 times)
scraps66
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Relationship status: Separated 9/2008, living apart since 1/2010
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« on: April 05, 2015, 05:16:27 AM »

Yesterday I took my S7 to his baseball practice, my weekend and Holiday with the kids.  Not necessarily to my surprise, exNPD/BPDw's boyfriend is waiting there for practice.  I have not volunteered to help practice because I travel and can't commit to a fixed schedule, but usually stay at practice and help out. 

Along with this is S10's baseball.  Last game I find ex actually IN THE DUGOUT for periods of the game while S1-'s team is at bat.  He wasn't behaving badly, she was just in the dugout.

It doesn't help the situation that S7's best friend lives on my street, is on the team, his dad coaches too, and is best friends with ex's boyfriend.  That is a long story, but I have no doubts that ex's intentions with luring this boyfriend in was with motive to "surround" me in my own neighborhood and also have an "in" back to my neighborhood. 

So slowly but surely, and despite my petitions with the court, I am having my time with the kids interfered with by ex.  Now not only do I have to fight for my time and try to reduce interference from ex, I have to compete for my time with the boyfriend.  I feel this is not an over reaction on my part, and that this is a boundary issue.

I continue to tolerate things that are ongoing in parallel with our court ordered coparent counseling.  This past week ex had S10 and S7 to the orthodontist without even telling me.  They were already down the road of discussions of tooth extractions, braces, spacers and addressing unannounced overbite issues with S10.  Then she schedules the possible follow-up appointments on my time with the kids.

At coparent counseling we discuss ESY for S10, extended school year.  In our last session ex suggests we have school pay for a camp this summer for S10.  We discuss this with the coparent guy and it was my assignment to go and research the camp and discuss with ex.  In the interim I get the ESY request from school, and it already has the very same camp that ex had suggested.  Obvious that ex had conversations with school.  Along with this we have wraparound services for S10, three hours per week of counseling that I am fully engaged with, organize, arrange, participate in, but ex refuses to participate.  This then means that S10 can only get counseling when with me, 50% of the time.  But now we have came - "her idea" - and she feels it would be good for S10, I don't disagree, but she won't participate in the ongoing wraparound services.  I know why, they don't always agree with her approach and she can't control the process.  So her p-a way of controlling is to not participate. 

At my wits end and our S10 is soo challenging, wants nothing but his iPad when with me, has alienated himself from all the same age kids in my neighborhood, continues to have significant behavioral issues at school, and wants to do nothing but sit on the couch, watch TV, watch Minecraft, etc. 

Incidentally, S10's behavior at school, bad, is consistently trivialized by his mother.  Last week he outwardly mocked a gym teacher for asking that he walk on the sidewalk instead of the grass and landed in the principal's office.  Ex's e-mail to school was that "S10 needs to know that adults won't just change the rules as they go."

this is just a vent!       
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Eco
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #1 on: April 05, 2015, 06:55:15 PM »

Im not sure if I will be of any help other then support, my 2 cents.

Half way through your post my blood was already boiling, I don't think you are overreacting at all.

Excerpt
Not necessarily to my surprise, exNPD/BPDw's boyfriend is waiting there for practice.

Its just my own opinion but I think that is wrong, I think that is a slap in the face and very disrespectful to you and your son. why is he even there? does he have kids that are on the team? he is not your sons step dad, and even if he was your son has a dad that's involved.  as a former step dad I would never come between a child and the real parent. If this guy wanted to help coach he should have talked to you first.

Excerpt
Along with this is S10's baseball.  Last game I find ex actually IN THE DUGOUT for periods of the game while S1-'s team is at bat.  He wasn't behaving badly, she was just in the dugout.

sounds like my ex, she would be making sure they do things right.

Excerpt
So slowly but surely, and despite my petitions with the court, I am having my time with the kids interfered with by ex.  Now not only do I have to fight for my time and try to reduce interference from ex, I have to compete for my time with the boyfriend.  I feel this is not an over reaction on my part, and that this is a boundary issue.

I agree 100% sadly I feel the courts really don't care

Excerpt
At my wits end and our S10 is soo challenging, wants nothing but his iPad when with me, has alienated himself from all the same age kids in my neighborhood, continues to have significant behavioral issues at school, and wants to do nothing but sit on the couch, watch TV, watch Minecraft, etc. 

that sounds just like my 11 yr old son, when he hit 10 he changed drastically. he became very distant but about a month ago he started to come around and his attitude has been much better. his mom isn't BPD or NPD but im sure she has some other PD because she goes months without seeing him so my son has abandonment issues from that.

I have 50/50 custody with him but in the past 8 yrs since the divorce his mom has had him maybe 1 month total time. hes been in counseling for a few yrs but it hasn't really helped much. he still has a lot of anger and trust issues but like I said he has become a lot better in the past month. I have worked hard on validating him and letting him know im there for him and I quit pressuring him to talk.

I hope it gets better for you, my daughter is 2 and her mom is NPD so what you are going through is what im probably going to have to put up with in the future. 
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whirlpoollife
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« Reply #2 on: April 05, 2015, 11:05:07 PM »

At my wits end and our S10 is soo challenging, wants nothing but his iPad when with me, has alienated himself from all the same age kids in my neighborhood, continues to have significant behavioral issues at school, and wants to do nothing but sit on the couch, watch TV, watch Minecraft, etc.  

I don't know the attention span of your sons , but maybe try reading to the kids. I say this because that's what I did a lot of with my kids when they were younger. I wasn't the most entertaining parent so I read a lot to them.  It helped them later pay attention in the classroom.   Turning off the electronics will be an adjustment, but push it.  even if they don't sit still to start , keep reading out loud , they are listening and their curiousocity will kick in to find out what happens next in the story .

I feel though your ex will find out then find a way to interrupt because she cant stand you having time with your kids.

Her making appts on your time is deliberate.  I assume you are paying for the braces too.

Possibly talk with the receptionists in the office to explain the situation and they can come up with a solution... .if they know your schedule then they can say there's no openings , or let you know so you can reschedule the appt.

I don't have much advice but  I understand the feeling , cause it's what they do , the ex making you feel like an outsider.  
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"Courage is when you know your're licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what." ~ Harper Lee
highroadstepmom

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« Reply #3 on: April 07, 2015, 02:03:00 PM »

Ahhh, the ex interfering by scheduling activities and appointments ... .how familiar this sounds.

My DH is being sent to mediation to deal with just these issues. His UBPDex will stand on the (soccer, basketball, etc.) field with the kids, will literally hold the kids on her lap during a practice or game so they can't go hang out with their dad.

I think the nature of the disorder is to be in control because to not be in control is failure. My DHs ex is always interfering by scheduling.

I am sorry you are having to deal with this.  Be polite. Be present.

On the boyfriend showing up to coach - that's hard. I try to get to my stepsons' activities as much as possible and sometimes I'm the one to take them. Their mom ignores me. I model civility and greet her. While I'd love to be more involved in their lives, I don't think we would opt to 'spring' on her, me coaching one of the kids activities. And if her BF showed up to coach - I know my DH would feel horrible.

I think Eco's suggestion to try reading is a good one. We limit 'screen time' to two hours a day - (unless we are watching a show or movie together or playing a game together).

It's hard to not want your child to have a positive experience when with you but I think that child already has a parent with no boundaries - personal or otherwise.  I think having some boundaries - like limiting screen time, etc. can help in time. Kids need to know there are consequences to actions - even if that consequence only happens at your house. We talk about 'being responsible', 'being respectful' that 'we don't like mean' to reinforce.

It took about a year but the kids know the routine when they are with us and settle in quickly. They know there's a bed time, they know they are expected to make their beds in the morning, etc. If not, consequences.

In addition to reading - play cards, bake cookies together? I let the kids make crazy milkshakes or icecream sundaes, the price of a bottle of chocolate syrup is worth it to let them enjoy the crazy concoction. Maybe in time, there might be a friend who could be invited over for 'crazy milkshake night' at your house.

good luck and hang in there.

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scraps66
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« Reply #4 on: April 15, 2015, 04:41:10 AM »

I had the opportunity to discuss the bf coaching topic with our coparent counselor Monday evening.  Ex did not show. 

We are six years into the custody order and now have been sentenced to coparent counseling.  The same behavior that coparent counseling is supposed to address continues.

On the bf front, I didn't get a lot of support from the counselor on this one only to say that, "S7 would love to see Mr. bf coaching and dad coaching, time permitting."  That just sounded like putting me at a peripheral position.  This is on my time with the kids too.

Though this counselor is hugely respected in the pscyh community for dealing with and teaching child rearing, he seems to have no knowledge of BPD.  What that means is that there is nothing in the counseling that is tailored toward or acknowledges the fact that one of the combatants is certainly dealing with a debilitating mental illness that prevents even parallel parenting.

In this last session I just stated blatantly, and that I would bring up in a session when ex was there, that I continue to have GRAVE concerns for ex's mental health and how that affects S7 and particularly S10 who is having terrible behavior in school.  I did get a positive - maybe - on this topic that perhaps in the report that will be issued he could include something to the effect that, "it is suggested that child caring would benefit from having both parents psychologically evaluated, etc."

I feel as if I have to come out and state this as I never have, ex's mental condition needs to be assessed for the following reasons, blah, blah, blah.

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highroadstepmom

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« Reply #5 on: April 22, 2015, 02:25:45 PM »

As the stepmom, I know how much I want to participate and be a part of my stepsons' lives. I am NOT the boys' biological parent - but I do parent. While we share very very little information about what we do with boys with the bio-mom, I think it would be world war three if I showed up as a coach at one of the boys activities.

I understand that hurt and that you feel peripheral - you're not. It may be a fly-by-night boyfriend, but you can't control your babymama including Mr. bf. We tell the boys that they are lucky to have so many people who love them so much. There are four parent figures in the boys' lives now - me, their dad, their mom and her boyfriend.

I DO get the frustration of the boyfriend coaching your child on your custodial days - that's an ouch any way you slice it.  In these situations we try say things like 'well, that's something special you get to do with Mr. bf and I'm gonna be there at all of your games!"

I also think BPDs are really good a hurting and hitting below the belt.

I feel like there is very little knowledge in the legal or mental health provider community about parenting with someone who has a personality disorder. My DH has to remind and update his attorney or the parenting advocate every single time.

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