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Author Topic: Closing My Small Business - Freedom or Enmeshment?  (Read 534 times)
milesperhour

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« on: April 05, 2015, 09:40:30 AM »

Asking for advice again ... .Can't seem to make my own decisions ... .

Situation: Have run an assisted living home for the elderly for 3.5 years from my home.  Started this business with the hope of being at home more with my family, but have allowed my residents to run my life and rarely see my family and don't take care of myself - at all.  (Common for small business owners to feel the business is running them, but this is to the extreme.)  I am tired, depressed, and have new health problems.  Business is not making money anymore.  Would like to ditch it all, find a 9 to 5 job, and live in an RV.  But I am so scared of rejection, of the unknown. 

Questions: Am I giving up or cutting back on stress?  How do I get over the feelings of failure?  How can I find another job when I am in such a bad place physically and mentally - when I am terrified of rejection because I am a failure?  Am I just allowing my unemployed uBPDh to influence me so he can have me all to himself - not have to share me with my residents?

Quote from another bpdfamily member that I empathized with: "My SO feels most comfortable when I have no friends, no family, no outside interests and basically she is in 'control'. As a consequence of me complying with her demands, I lose friends, I lose family and I become ever more reliant on the only relationship I'm left with... .I become co-dependent and an extension of my SO. "

Weak and alone.  Feel like I am dying inside.  m
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hope2727
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« Reply #1 on: April 05, 2015, 11:27:51 AM »

Hi. I am so sorry you are enduring all this. Thank you for taking care of elders. It is a hugely underserved and under appreciated field.

I think there are 3 separate issues at play here.

1) Does your business make money? Or perhaps enough money to support your life is a better way to put that question.  Bullet: completed (click to insert in post)

If the answer is no then it is essentially a hobby or a "project" but not a means of gainful support. I have learned this the hard way. So if it doesn't support you adequately you have to stop. Its not a failure. You were successful setting it up and keeping it going it just isn't profitable. Whatever. Time to move on with all you learned and try something else.

2) Is your business one that is healthy for you to run?  Bullet: completed (click to insert in post)

If you are getting physically ill from running it then you have to stop. If it is sucking your soul out your eyeballs you have to stop. If you are not refilling your emotional cup as you refill others then you have to stop. Let someone else have the challenge for awhile who is still full up of energy and enthusiasm and ideas. You need a break to recharge by the sound of it.

3) If you were single and unattached to anyone but yourself what would you do?  Bullet: completed (click to insert in post)

Would you sit down and list all your amazing skills and learned lessons from your business? Would you shape those into sharply written sentences that describe how creative, capable and determined you are? Would you arrange those sentences into paragraphs that tell a story of how you can and will be a major asset to someones company? Because that is a resume my dear and its sounds like you have a great one hiding inside you. Then you can get a job that you walk away from each day. You don't bring home. You don't lose sleep over. You can cash a cheque every two weeks and not have to worry about covering business expenses with it.

In addiction therapy they talk about get well jobs. These are usually low paid, low stress jobs recovering addicts take to just stop, breathe, and start again. It would be akin to an engineer taking a job at a clothing store to rebuild health and personal skills. It is an important step in recovery. It allows time to heal while making enough money and rebuilding a reputation and references. It is a part of recovery from traumas too. I am currently in a get well job of sorts. I can't tell you how nice it is to just show up do my work and go home. Every two weeks I get paid and I am slowly healing. SIGH.

As for the boyfriend. That is a separate issue. Of course he doesn't want to share you but that isn't going to happen. Even if you take a "would you like fries with that?" type job you will meet people and socialize and have contact with others. His choice to not work (yes its a choice) is his own. If he needs you constantly to sooth him he can reach out and find some friends or learn to self soothe. Better yet he can find a therapist.

Your boyfriend is an adult. He can make his own darn friends and let you have yours. My ex tried to isolate me from mine and it was horrible. Yet I was supposed to accept all of his. Nope no dice. Boundaries. Anyway I would stop worrying so much about him and worry about you. You sound really run to ground. Time to take care of you first. If you are a mess you will be of no use to anyone.  And yes I have had the fantasy of running away and living in an RV too. Just to escape all the stress of my reality.

Remember we have to put our own oxygen masks on first. We are no good to anyone else if we are dead.

As for failed business google the guy who started paypal. He failed many, many times before paypal. Like 8 or 10 or something before he even broke even. Its called a learning curve. Congratulations you are learning. I have failed so many times that I am getting comfortable with it. I have had successes too. Its all part of the journey. The whole point is to keep moving.

Ok enough advice. For now just breathe and have some ice cream. It always helped me. Hugs.     
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milesperhour

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« Reply #2 on: April 06, 2015, 09:42:08 AM »

Thank you for understanding, Hope.  I honestly didn't think anyone would be able to understand or reply.   I have never heard of a "get well job", but that sounds like exactly what I need.  And now I do not have to feel guilty for taking a "lower" job while I care for myself for a while.  I am an RN and may eventually return to nursing, but not right now; I don't have the energy or the self-confidence.  Thank you again for giving me an respectible "out".  I don't feel like such a failure now.  And the tips on building a resume are awsome!   

As for my UBPD SO; we have been married for 30 years.  My FOO do not like him and know that he has used and abused me for most of our marriage; our five grown children do as well.  As far as they are concerned, any idea he comes up with is bad.  Just becase he is the one saying "Sell everything and run away in an RV" makes that a bad idea.  They know that he will have complete control over me if that happens.  But I am so tired right now ... .running away just sounds so nice.  We will see what happens next. 

Thanks again.  m

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an0ught
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« Reply #3 on: April 06, 2015, 12:25:25 PM »

Hi milesperhour,

hope2727 provided excellent advice  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

What I would be a bit concerned about is however the RV idea of your H. RV may imply living very closely together. Based on your recent experience in your business it looks like your boundary skills are not perfect ("have allowed my residents to run my life" and living in a restricted space with a pwBPD may test them to their limit.

At this point in time I would echo again hope2727 and put your immediate needs first. Once you are feeling better   you still can hit the road.
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Stalwart
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« Reply #4 on: April 06, 2015, 01:58:29 PM »

Milesperhour:


Sweetheart we all try and  try and try and (fail) or make other choices at some things, but the real failure is when you stop trying other things. Assisted care, just by its nature of people that dwell in their health and needs with little else to do is just too demanding for any one person to consider handling. For an RN in the States you might think there would be other opportunities that don’t require really rough shifts or heavy lifting. Have you thought about industrial institutions in their health departments? Anyways, really this isn’t about suggestions for other opportunities it’s about how low you feel.

How many of us over the years haven’t taken on different directions and moved on to other things?. I’ve volunteered for, and in, dozens of different organizations, and groups over the years. I’ve probably taken on several jobs and different roles in job performances. Most of us here and everywhere have milesperhour. It’s not a succession of failures, it’s a succession toward our successes. With each one we grow, learn, experience and it  becomes our culminated wisdom. Moving from one occupation to another isn’t a failure. Changing direction, (or failure as you feel it to be) I consider learning experiences, growing, education. Changing direction isn’t the opposite of success – it’s part of life’s success.

Tell you what milesperhour if you do decide to just grab the RV and disappear into the desert into the sunset and _____ it all, let us know. There are probably hundreds of us that would love to follow you. We all feel that way so often and hey,  just leave it all behind. If it’s any consolation I’ve talked to dozens of people with BPD that feel just the same way. All too often there’s more similarities than differences between us.

Back to the thread though, and get our heads out of the clouds and back to reality, you didn’t answer – is your employment a main  contributor or necessary to your financial situation?

You know miles; You’re going to be OK don’t you? It’s just change and don’t look at failures – look at all the opportunities ahead.

Hope you find your way through all of this and make decisions that bring you better peace and health and hey – the RV thing _ let us know eh? Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

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Stalwart
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« Reply #5 on: April 06, 2015, 02:49:16 PM »

Milesperhour:

Gee, I forgot to ask you the most important thing. If you were to close your eyes and imagine for a while: what you envision (given reasonable circumstances) your perfect life to be? Where would you be, what would you be doing?

Just wondering  
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milesperhour

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« Reply #6 on: April 06, 2015, 06:16:18 PM »

Thanks for the support, guys.  

Stalwart, I live in a small town where everybody knows what everybody else is doing or failing to do, and the medical community is even smaller.  (The saying is "If you don't remember what you did last night, just read the local paper, you will be there."  So, my closing my business has already been gossipped around as a big fat failure, and everyone seems to have a different reason for it.  Sigh.  Even so, it is comforting to hear that people in the real world, outside of this tiny place, may understand and see it as merely a learning experience, and that I may be able to plant myself somewhere else and bloom there.  

You are right about another thing: An assisted living home (mine was more like an unofficial Hospice house) is too demanding for any one person to handle --  and that is exactly what I was doing.  My uBPDh was supposed to take some of the responsibility but did not (not blaming him, just stating the facts), and I have a real hard time delegating authority to my staff (yes, I had staff, but ended up working even when they were here).  I am, basically, a doormat.  A nice doormat with a big heart, but still a doormat.  I am starting to work on this, amoung other things.  

What would be my ideal lifestyle?  Have very few material things, very little debt or expenses, and be able to move around if I feel like it.  My grown children are, one by one, ending up in Seattle.  So, I really would like to be there and be "Grama" for some parts of the year.  Otherwise, I don't want much of anything.  Just peace and quiet. To be able to sit and read or stitch without guilt that I should be taking care of someone.  That would be nice.  

What I would be a bit concerned about is however the RV idea of your H. RV may imply living very closely together. Based on your recent experience in your business it looks like your boundary skills are not perfect ("have allowed my residents to run my life" and living in a restricted space with a pwBPD may test them to their limit.  At this point in time I would echo again hope2727 and put your immediate needs first. Once you are feeling better   you still can hit the road.

Yes, Ought, I have considered that living in an RV with him would leave me no way to "just walk away" when he was raging or being mean.  I can also see that the lack of privacy for him would aggrevate his BPD hypersensitivities as well as his tendency to want to control everything I do.   So, I agree that I should not put myself in that position until I feel much healthier and know very well how to establish and maintain my boundries.  In the past month or so, I have overcome my fear of displeasing him (I think), which is really huge for me.  I have decided that when he starts in again, I will not allow words or gestures to have any effect on me, and I will tell him so as well (Something I learned in a book about manipulation).  But, again, I agree with you; I need to get even stronger and less enmeshed before we try the RV thing.  

Thanks again!  

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Stalwart
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« Reply #7 on: April 06, 2015, 07:09:36 PM »

Hey Milesperhour:

If I'm not prying too much what stops you from going to Seattle and being with the people that you love and having that fulfillment, support and pleasure in your life?

Sometimes we get so settled in where we are we don't look for the possibilities that are elsewhere. I know one thing my kids and grandkids are everything and like most, I've lost a lot of others, but I'll never lose them.
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milesperhour

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« Reply #8 on: April 06, 2015, 07:34:55 PM »

If I'm not prying too much what stops you from going to Seattle and being with the people that you love and having that fulfillment, support and pleasure in your life?

Sometimes we get so settled in where we are we don't look for the possibilities that are elsewhere. I know one thing my kids and grandkids are everything and like most, I've lost a lot of others, but I'll never lose them.

Well ... .I almost made it to Seattle about five years ago, when my husband and I were separated for three months.  Then we got back together.  I was persuaded not to move because of the effect the wet weather might have on my husband's asthma and depression.  Also, he self-medicates with MJ, and  I think that was illegal in WA at that time.  Actually, none of these reasons seem like enough to keep me from moving now ... .Maybe I will just move in with my daughter and let my husband try to sell this house by himself.  I could tell him that I am sick, and he has to man-up.  That is not untrue.  He would be so mad if I went up without him ... .ah, but what a nice vacation that would be.  You are right, at our age, the kids and grandkids are everything!  
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Stalwart
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« Reply #9 on: April 06, 2015, 09:50:10 PM »

Oh hey I would never enter into instigating a problem milesperhour.

But maybe a holiday wouldn't hurt while you thought out better what you might want to do.

Would it be possible to go with your husband for a bit just to check out the real estate market while you're there.

We're about the same age and I don't know, I think there must come a time when it's about you, if not now - well, when? Shutting down the business and going for a bit to see the kid's might really do you good, let you clear your mind and get ready for what's next.

I'll tell you, Seattle's weather forecast is a lot better than mine is. Look's great.

Whatever your decision sweetheart I hope you find peace and harmony with the new changes and decisions. 
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