SO is off the deep end.

[NycNiceGuy]

So my and my exBPDgf are trying to do this NC thing. I started reading and figuring out a lot about BPD in the recent months, to make a long story short, we have some problems that occur seemingly ever 8 months and she kind of gets into a down period. So much so that a few months ago she had gone into the hospital. So in the hospital stay(two weeks) I started seeing great improvement and she was sounding a lot better about it all and very determined to get her life back in control. She moved back in with her mother afterward which at first she thought was a good thing but her mom cannot handle her in her condition. So she had about 6 weeks of therapy every day and after that she believes she is "cured."

There were some issues and now equipped with this knowledge I had made the choice to break it off so we may start fresh, with rules, boundaries, etc. Although I have this problem now. So she is claiming she is fine, that she doesn't need DBT. But also playing the victim to her friends by saying that no one loves her, she doesn't let ___ bother her although she cries every night. And that now she is a healthy adult that does not put herself down anymore. So I have this issue, I hate when she is like this and she is screaming for someone who understands what its about. I believe I understand far more than I ever have before but going about it is rough. We were NC but we have broken that a few times now, and she tried speaking with me today at which point I told her I loved her but needed to collect my thoughts for a little while, now I see she is posting things on facebook about being insane, not getting the love she deserves, and other things.

One part of me wants to see how far it will go so maybe she will have a spark moment, the other wants me to run to her.

I know that she is my girlfriend and I would now best what to do. I just wanted some insight, Thank you!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

A few things are happening here:

~She is experiencing abandonment by both you and her mum, which is just validating her sense of being worthless

~ There are a lot of inconsistencies, you are together/you are not, you are NC/You are not. pwBPD don't do inconsistent messages from others, it creates panic.

~Wishful thinking and delusion is pushing her to try living a facade which is not her, and which she can't maintain. Most of her insights and "cured" feeling are just mirroring and parroting what she has been told rather than any core 'fix" to her thought processes. Which will return in times of stress, possibly triggered by the previous points raised

~ You cannot fix her by understanding her. You can only reduce the impact on you by understanding your part and your reactions to it. This is not easy as it takes a personality change on your part.

Having a spark moment makes no difference, as the problem is she can't fix it. Because she can't fix it, she has to hide from it or it leads to depression and hopelessness. As she hides from it, treating it is difficult. it is the catch 22 that makes treating BPD extremely difficult

[NycNiceGuy]

Yeah its quite difficult, well whether it was right or wrong I am not sure but I had to say something. So i sent her a video basically explaining how I am going to do better for me and if she wants to tag along thats cool. Right now she has a lot to work out and if anything I just want to help her with that even if I have to go away for a while. These BPD relationships are difficult and not to be mean to any BPD's out there but if this doesn't work out with my SO I will probably end up leaving whoever else may have it in the future. It is a scary thing this BPD I feel horribly about it a lot but there is only so much I can do on my end.

[waverider]

It is a scary thing this BPD I feel horribly about it a lot but there is only so much I can do on my end.

This statement is pretty much spot on, do not forget it.

It will scare you, it will make your stomach churn, it will stress you and it will depress you. You can only work on you and protecting you. The consequence of a strong and stable you is that you can provide a platform she can rebuild off IF she wants to and IF she has the commitment to. Both of which are out of your control.

There are no guarantees no matter how much you learn about the disorder.

You will learn a lot about interactions with others and you will grow as a consequence. what you learn will be of benefit to you in the future, as you have realized

[NycNiceGuy]

Yeah and after some new facebook stuff tonight about my replacement, I find myself wondering if she loved me or loved someone around. Which I am sure is a normal thought for us Nons. So screw it I can't control it and there is too many things to be worked out right now so I will just do me until she wants to continue the conversation. It boggles me how things I do now while we are broken up are upsetting her as if we are still together. I can't control that though, and I have had it with having the feeling that she wants me to wait around for her every whim or command. That'll prolly be some boundary in the future if there is a future. She has too much she needs to work on so for the moment, if she wishes to sprial she will spiral. I already have a safety network of people who will call if she starts to mention suicidal feelings though.