Co parenting

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I'm co parenting with a BPD .  I need feedback and dialogue with people that can fully understand what I'm attempting to navigate threw , the daily stress and fear that impacts myself and my daughters .

[swallace]

I'm co parenting with a BPD .  I need feedback and dialogue with people that can fully understand what I'm attempting to navigate threw , the daily stress and fear that impacts myself and my daughters .

[swallace]

The past three months I have held my ground on healthy boundaries , read more ( knowledge is power ) moved in a direction with my children that more often then not involves true quality time and only discussing events when they are critical and urgent in nature ( safety , mental or physical ) But with that knowledge has come an over whelming since of fear and helplessness in regards to protecting my children . I'm more congnizant then ever of the patterns , triggers and overall reality of the situation which is quite frankly the most terrifying feeling I've had in my adult life .

[scraps66]

I think many of us have gone this route with good intentions.  However in time it is proven counterproductive to coparent with a BP and the only other avenue is to parallel parent.  Don't give or take input to or from the other side and do your own thing.  BPs try to chip away at these boundaries using anything at their disposal including the children.

[livednlearned]

Hi swallace,

Welcome to the site -- I'm glad you found it! Peer support makes a big difference, and so does knowledge, like you mention. Coparenting with a BPD ex is one of the hardest things I've done before too, and I understand the fear and dread. It is also awful being triangulated with family law courts, especially when most courts don't seem to have much knowledge of BPD.

How old are your kids? What kind of custody arrangement do you have in place?

How does your ex's behavior seem to be affecting the kids? Are they aware that the other parent has a problem?

scraps66 mentioned parallel parenting. Experts recommend the following:

If you have recently ended a relationship with a BPD co-parent, we highly recommend parallel-parenting for the first year with the goal of transitioning into a co-parenting relationship.

Cooperative parenting is the style used by families in which conflict is low and parents can effectively communicate about their child.

Parallel parenting is the style used by families in which conflict is high or communication is poor. The first step of parallel parenting is disengagement. This means that you will not communicate about minor things regarding your child, try to influence the other parents parenting style, or deviate from the visitation schedule.

Read more here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=239558

There are a lot of educational resources here, as well as communication skills and other techniques that really made a difference helping me raise an emotionally resilient child. Please tell us more when you're comfortable doing so, and let us know how things are going for you. We've all been to the same rodeo 

LnL

[david]

My xBPDw left in 2007. Our boys were 4.5 and 8 at the time. Today, things are much better then I ever imagined back then. Staying focused on the children was my best strategy. I learned to detach from ex and parallel parent. I only communicate through email and only about our boys. It was very difficult in the beginning but ,with practice, I got better. I still get emails telling me everything is my fault and what is wrong with me. I ignore but do save them in case I need them.

[swallace]

Thank you for sharing ... it is very nice getting input and feeling connected with people that understand . My daughters understand that there's an issue with that said I'm seeing firsthand the effects . Both ( 12 and 9 ) have been medicated adhd blamed manipulated etc along with verbal abuse and zero affirmation received by there mother .

They both want to sleep in my bed when they are at my house my oldest has recently began studering this started in December but it's only when she's with her mother or on the phone when we are transitioning . Both have been with out there phones the past 8 weeks but of course when they have there phones with me she's conatantly txt calling etc

They do understand and do put up healthy boundaries however that usually ends up in punitive treatment and more isolation. To validate there mother communicates to anybody that will listen how bad they are or just that they are " grounded "

[livednlearned]

Hi swallace,

My son was diagnosed ADHD too. And he had nervous tics that definitely got worse when he went to his dad's, although I did witness them too. It can be very traumatizing to have a mentally ill parent.

I did try validation with my ex, although I found it very effective with my son. People with BPD have higher than average needs for validation, and tend to be worse than normal validating others -- our kids end up in role reversals where they are expected to have adult abilities to validate the parent.

So I focused on creating a validating environment for S13. Are your girls seeing a therapist? My son has seen two, and while the first provided some relief during the actual divorce, this second one is excellent. He really helps S13 cope with the anxiety he feels, in large part a byproduct of growing up around his dad. He is very afraid of making mistakes, although that has been getting a little better.

What kind of custody arrangement do you have? Is there any parental alienation going on?

LnL

[Rubies]

There was no ability to co parent with BPDxh at all so I parallel parented with the court's blessing. 

Yes, it was in the court orders to coparent, to inform him of all meetings and appointments so he could be present and have input.  Guess what?  The judge had the ability to tap these people and ask, how's it going?  Since XH's only point of being present was the opportunity for nonstop nastiness at me and disrupting business, nobody wanted him around, not even DD.