Relationship of 2 years going down the drain.

[Depression = 72% of members]

I saw a completely different side to my girlfriend this year. I got a gut feeling something wasn't right with us. She accused me of cheating and I was shocked. I did not know what I did to make her think that. And I knew usually the accuser is being the deceitful party. For months she made me feel like I was going insane. I finally did what I always promised myself I would never do and I have never done anything like this to any other partners. I broke into her phone and email. Turns out my gut was right. My girlfriend was slandering me to everyone! To her brother, her best friends, even people that I had never even laid eyes on. I was devastated. I never told anyone the things she put me through because I didn't want my friends or family thinking ill of her. So I kept everything bottled up, and here she is telling my coworkers these nasty details about me. She always seemed to forget to say what caused me to act or say the things I did. I felt the upmost betrayal in my existence. My Gf was even starting to restrict my time with close friends for fear I was talking bad about her! Just need support and understanding 

[Meatball/88]

I saw a completely different side to my girlfriend this year. I got a gut feeling something wasn't right with us. She accused me of cheating and I was shocked. I did not know what I did to make her think that. And I knew usually the accuser is being the deceitful party. For months she made me feel like I was going insane. I finally did what I always promised myself I would never do and I have never done anything like this to any other partners. I broke into her phone and email. Turns out my gut was right. My girlfriend was slandering me to everyone! To her brother, her best friends, even people that I had never even laid eyes on. I was devastated. I never told anyone the things she put me through because I didn't want my friends or family thinking ill of her. So I kept everything bottled up, and here she is telling my coworkers these nasty details about me. She always seemed to forget to say what caused me to act or say the things I did. I felt the upmost betrayal in my existence. My Gf was even starting to restrict my time with close friends for fear I was talking bad about her! Just need support and understanding 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mike-X]

Sorry about the smear campaign and all that you have been through. Have you read through any of the lessons on the site? What are you doing about the isolation?

[Meatball/88]

Well now that I know what is actually going on. I'm breaking free. I say her down and calmly told her that she wasn't going to keep me from my friend that has been there for me. Before when I told my gifriend about my friend she accused me of sleeping with her and just being irrational. Which baffled me. She knows my friend, before I even started hanging out with this person my girlfriend kinda close to her. It seems whenever my friend and I started hanging out is when my girlfriend started to literally hate her. Which that whole situation is very confusing. I think there was something more to them story

[Mike-X]

Well now that I know what is actually going on. I'm breaking free. I say her down and calmly told her that she wasn't going to keep me from my friend that has been there for me. Before when I told my gifriend about my friend she accused me of sleeping with her and just being irrational. Which baffled me. She knows my friend, before I even started hanging out with this person my girlfriend kinda close to her. It seems whenever my friend and I started hanging out is when my girlfriend started to literally hate her. Which that whole situation is very confusing. I think there was something more to them story

What do you mean by more to the story? That they had some kind of falling out before you met your girlfriend?

[Meatball/88]

No we have all three know each other for years. We worked together and my SO and i got other jobs and we came back to the place we worked before and my friend ended getting transferred over to our store. My friend and SO were friends and then I came and started working there and that is when I developed a friendship with my friend. When my SO noticed that we started to talk outside of work or when my friend would invite me out for a drink after work is when my SO began to hate my friend. They were good up until the point that my friend and I started to hang out

[Mike-X]

No we have all three know each other for years. We worked together and my SO and i got other jobs and we came back to the place we worked before and my friend ended getting transferred over to our store. My friend and SO were friends and then I came and started working there and that is when I developed a friendship with my friend. When my SO noticed that we started to talk outside of work or when my friend would invite me out for a drink after work is when my SO began to hate my friend. They were good up until the point that my friend and I started to hang out

Oh I see. How has she expressed to you that she hates your friend? How have you responded?

[Mike-X]

I saw a completely different side to my girlfriend this year. I got a gut feeling something wasn't right with us. She accused me of cheating and I was shocked. I did not know what I did to make her think that. And I knew usually the accuser is being the deceitful party. For months she made me feel like I was going insane. I finally did what I always promised myself I would never do and I have never done anything like this to any other partners. I broke into her phone and email. Turns out my gut was right. My girlfriend was slandering me to everyone! To her brother, her best friends, even people that I had never even laid eyes on. I was devastated. I never told anyone the things she put me through because I didn't want my friends or family thinking ill of her. So I kept everything bottled up, and here she is telling my coworkers these nasty details about me. She always seemed to forget to say what caused me to act or say the things I did. I felt the upmost betrayal in my existence. My Gf was even starting to restrict my time with close friends for fear I was talking bad about her! Just need support and understanding 

What sort of slandering, if you don't mind sharing?

My udxGF did tell others (her family and a couple of mutual friends) that she thought that I was cheating on her and asked what they thought of all of the "evidence". Honestly, it didn't bother me too much, because I wasn't cheating. I was more hurt that she seemed to really believe that I was being dishonest and cheating.

[Aurylian]

Meatball,

Glad to see you are keeping your outside friendships.  Always a good thing to keep up your support people.

The Lessons on this site do provide a lot of great information in a single location to help you learn how to cope and remove your part in the destructive dance.  They can actually help quite a bit.

My BPDw tried to separate me from my friends and support network too.  Before I knew about BPD I complied a bit, but fortunately found out about it and then was able to keep my key support people.

Bummer about the phone.  There are certain things you are just better of not knowing.  Same with certain questions you should never ask your BPD SO while they are dysregulated.  I made that mistake and won't do it again.

[Meatball/88]

My SO said the same things. I made a new friend at work and my SO was so against me just texting this person. SO started the accusations against me and I tried to explain to her that this coworker and I had nothing sexual going on. Talking to her had never been sexually motivated. Well during the same time she was accusing me of wrong doing it was her projecting her behavior onto me. She told her brother that she felt stuck with me and she wanted to move out and back to her moms. She also told her brother that I went crazy when she broke up with me. Her brother ended up believing I was emotionally  torturing her when my psychotic behavior. She led him to to believe I was using her for a place to stay because I couldn't move in with the "new girl". From the messages I have seen it always seems that she was never short of attention.  If she didn't have the attention she would get the attention put on her. Sad post on social media or calling a friend or family. It's like she wanted to beat me to the punch and tell everyone how mean and cruel I was to her before I could say anything. Which I wouldn't have done to begin with. I believe that something's shouldn't be shared. She made sure to tell my friends her sob story but she would leave out the abuse she would deal out first.

[Mike-X]

My SO said the same things. I made a new friend at work and my SO was so against me just texting this person. SO started the accusations against me and I tried to explain to her that this coworker and I had nothing sexual going on. Talking to her had never been sexually motivated. Well during the same time she was accusing me of wrong doing it was her projecting her behavior onto me. She told her brother that she felt stuck with me and she wanted to move out and back to her moms. She also told her brother that I went crazy when she broke up with me. Her brother ended up believing I was emotionally  torturing her when my psychotic behavior. She led him to to believe I was using her for a place to stay because I couldn't move in with the "new girl". From the messages I have seen it always seems that she was never short of attention.  If she didn't have the attention she would get the attention put on her. Sad post on social media or calling a friend or family. It's like she wanted to beat me to the punch and tell everyone how mean and cruel I was to her before I could say anything. Which I wouldn't have done to begin with. I believe that something's shouldn't be shared. She made sure to tell my friends her sob story but she would leave out the abuse she would deal out first.

I see. My ex started by asking me if I wanted to have an "open" relationship, questioning my friendships with women, suggesting that I find a new job (presumably where only men worked), and putting down female friends/acquaintances of mine that she met or that I mentioned. She putdown female Facebook friends of mine (people I had never even met) all the time. Then she she progressed to telling her family that she thought that I was interested in having an open relationship. She suggested many times that I might be more interested in this woman or that woman, regardless of me trying to reassure her that I wasn't interested in other women and that I only loved her and looked forward to growing old with just her.

I think that her projection was that she was undeserving of love and projected that as me being interested in other women. She then sought affirmation and support from others by telling them that she thought that I was interested in other women.  I assume that "her reality" became that I was interested in other women, rather than dealing with her core issues of low self-esteem and feeling that she was undeserving of love.

[Meatball/88]

SO tried really hard to make me want a new job to work anywhere these two people didn't. I don't understand her hatred. They have never done anything to her. In fact if my friend really wanted to mess with my SO she could have called the police when my SO attacked me at work. my friend witness the physical abuse she wouldn't let me out of her sight. SO would leave and then come back just to harass me she didnt quit until getting the police involved got through and she finally left for good.   

[Mike-X]

I saw that you posted in the "staying" section. Are you trying to stay in the relationship?

[Meatball/88]

I feel guilty giving up on her. I intended to stay but after talking on here that might not be an option.

[tim_tom]

I saw a completely different side to my girlfriend this year. I got a gut feeling something wasn't right with us. She accused me of cheating and I was shocked. I did not know what I did to make her think that. And I knew usually the accuser is being the deceitful party. For months she made me feel like I was going insane. I finally did what I always promised myself I would never do and I have never done anything like this to any other partners. I broke into her phone and email. Turns out my gut was right. My girlfriend was slandering me to everyone! To her brother, her best friends, even people that I had never even laid eyes on. I was devastated. I never told anyone the things she put me through because I didn't want my friends or family thinking ill of her. So I kept everything bottled up, and here she is telling my coworkers these nasty details about me. She always seemed to forget to say what caused me to act or say the things I did. I felt the upmost betrayal in my existence. My Gf was even starting to restrict my time with close friends for fear I was talking bad about her! Just need support and understanding  

Hey, been there. I'm 8 mos post B/U, and things are a lot better now. A part of me still loves her, but months of therapy have helped me understand that the way she treated me was essentially abuse. What you shared reminded me in some ways of my relationship, and I can promise you that I am happier alone then I was with her.

[Mike-X]

I feel guilty giving up on her. I intended to stay but after talking on here that might not be an option.

I certainly deal with my own guilt about feeling as though I am giving up on the relationship and particularly on trying to "help" her. Can you elaborate on your feelings of guilt?

[Meatball/88]

I don't want to give up on her because of something she can't control. I have a little bit of hope that maybe she can change and we can move on. I would feel guilty because she is sick. It's an illness.

[tim_tom]

I don't want to give up on her because of something she can't control. I have a little bit of hope that maybe she can change and we can move on. I would feel guilty because she is sick. It's an illness.

dont' think of it as giving up on her, think of it as standing up for yourself.

When my BU first happenned, she laid it all at my feet, and I believed it. Spent so much time blaming myself that I didn't stop to realize that I had given up so much to make her happy and it still wasn't enough.

[misuniadziubek]

I don't want to give up on her because of something she can't control. I have a little bit of hope that maybe she can change and we can move on. I would feel guilty because she is sick. It's an illness.

You are unhappy with reality and have a deeply seeded desire for things to be different. You hope that she can change, and anchoring the future of your relationship on that.

What is the likelihood of her actually changing? What steps is SHE willing to take to change her behaviour? Does she at any point admit to her flawed views or that she might be wrong?

Are you being fair to her by wanting to stay in the relationship conditional on her improvement? Mostly what is the deadline for this improvement?

Think of it like this. There is a chance that things will get better. She might become a bit more trusting, maybe stops slandering you for a bit. This might last a few days, a week, maybe a month tops, but then something triggers her and she goes right back to what she was doing, maybe with an even greater intensity.

Then what? Does that become the last straw?

The biggest thing here is that -YOU- didn't cause her illness. You aren't to blame for her behaviour and it IS affecting you negatively. You have to establish some boundaries here. If she is to continue to act this way, are you willing to put up with it?

You shouldn't stay in a relationship out of guilt but rather acceptance. You cannot fix her problems. You can only be a loving respectful partner who communicates effectively and you also have to be your own person. If sticking to being just that doesn't bring you positive results, then you have to sit down and seriously decide what is the purpose of your relationship and what future do you want.

[Mike-X]

If you haven't read this yet, you might find some insight into the guilt that you are feeling

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

[Mike-X]

Also, in my mind the deck was stacked against you rescuing her. It was definitely stacked against me rescuing my udxGF, and this has actually been very difficult for me to accept intellectually and emotionally.

What do you think are the root causes of her BPD?