BPD ex girflriend has cut me out of her life... now what?

[Bassoutcast]

Hey guys. I know I already have a thread open for a few weeks but it's become to long for anyone to follow and I need help so I'll summarize as much as I can to this post in hope of help.

She was my first girlfriend (I'm 20), we started as friends and within weeks started dating because she was the perfect woman I've waited for so long. It was beautiful, she had trouble at home and with work and I helped her with whatever I could (as much as offering her to stay at my place when she had a fight with her parents). When I met her, she was already after one suicide attempt, and although she promised not to harm herself - I stopped her from killing herself with a knife (the vein was already open). The relationship lasted for 3 and a half months, it seemed like years, she said so many sweet things to me ("I will never find someone as good as you" "I'll NEVER leave you" "I want to move in with you (and was actively looking for places to live with me), and much more on a long list that told me she was as serious as I was).

After her suicide attempt she was diagnosed with BPD and clinical depression, and the psychiatrist stated that it's only going to become worse and if she doesn't get treated she'll end up in a mental institute. she was on meds for a month or so but when they ran out she never continued her treatment and I didn't disagree... .I honestly thought she was getting better, paying more attention to the depression than BPD... .it was only after the break-up I started reading into this disorder and was shocked to find out how much of it was there when I didn't even notice ... .the mirroring, the splitting (not once did she say something nice about her family, it was either neutral or really bad, she was ALWAYS the victim), twisting reality... .I was ignorant to ignore her mental illness and treat her like a healthy person, when she ISN'T.

I should mention that I've had some issues of my own for years - repetative "physical discipline" from my mother at a young age, pretty much excommunication throughout most of my school years (either that or bullying), an abusive friend who I later found out to have sexually abused my (then) 11 Y/O sister, parents constantly fighting at home... .I built a wall of sarcasm to handle it, and around age 17 finally got into a circle of friends, although always feeling like an outcast... .I have trouble containing my emotions, and there were times I got nervous breakdowns, anger explosions, outbursts of tears and the thought of death... .while we were dating, my parents split up and my (then) girlfriend supported me... .telling me things like "I'll never leave you"... .I was so afraid she'll abandon me, throw me out like my mom did to my dad, so I was always messaging her, always planning out dates, centering my happiness only around the fact that I'll see her that day and everything will be alright, I honestly believed she was the universe's answer to my suffering, "the remedy to my depression", that I finally got something good for the first time in my life, as a compensation for what I've been through... .and when it didn't work out I got depressed... .and the day later it didn't work out again... .and then again... .and I couldn't take it anymore, I begged to come to her house, causing her to cry... .we had a few fights like that, but we always patched things up... .I

But then came the last week of our relationship, when she got sick at my place and I took care of her day and night for about 80 hours straight (first at my place, then took her to her place, ran around like crazy to help her with whatever she needs) and drove myself to such exhaustion I was bedridden for 2 days later, couldn't get up... .but she had work to concentrate on, she was healthy, and I had to comfort HER for not being there to take care of me. Then the day later she was exhausted from work and I came to visit her (almost an hour away, different cities) for a few hours, she was ecstatic, when I walked in the front door she hugged me around my waist and called my nickname, as if saying "I'm so glad you're here, please don't ever leave I love you"... .then during the weekend she had to work, and been turning off her phone while at home. last day before she went NC was National Woman's Day, she was working double shifts (she's a florist, national woman's day... .you get the idea, it was hell), came to visit her with flowers, she was on the verge of crying, she was so happy to see me... .then, not a day later, another date couldn't happen, got another double shift (though she repeatedly said we'll meet up, always promising to cancel shifts but never did)... .She told me that on the phone, told me she told her boss she always had to cancel dates for work and her boyfriend is upset and her boss said "well, you guys can just spend time texting" ... .The moment I heard that, I flipped, my voice turned into psychotic screeching, saying "TEXTING? OF COURSE ! F**KING TEXTING!" (I wasn't mad at her, I was mad at her boss), as if texting could ever replace her warmth, her smell, cuddling with her... .remember, I was going through A LOT at the time and she was my only sunshine... .then she tells me she can't handle this... .I text her repeatedly, she ignores my texts... .I feel guilty, I text her the next morning, she changes her profile pic to one of her own, I call her twice, no answer, just a text "stop bothering me"... .I drank, I walked the streets, I wanted to kill myself.

Day later I got her to talk with me, told her it was unfair how I'm always there for her when she gets depressed and starts crying but when I get an "episode", she just ignores me when I need her most... .She told me to stop blaming her, and started using the good things I've done and twisting them around (for example - I told her she could move in with me and my family, that she always has a family here, with me, and I said that because she ran away from home and thought no one cared about her. she turned it around saying I pushed her too hard with those commitments. I told her while we were dating she was neglecting her hobbies and had no friends, and constantly reminded her to practice her hobbies and encouraged her to find friends, she turned it into "I neglected up on my hobbies for you, I didn't meet up with my friends for you", told me her family was upset, the SAME family she was trying so hard to move away from... .the list can go on forever but you get the idea), told me we weren't compatible and she doesn't see how it can go on (even though, despite the mirroring, we had TONS of common interests and I always helped her)

I tried everything, I told her I'll agree to whatever she wants, I begged in every way possible, she said she needed to think about it, I said OK, but almost a week has passed and I couldn't handle it anymore, I told her we need to talk, we met up and she told me everything she already did before, and that she's "not going to get hurt anymore" and that "She knows I only want her but I'll find someone else soon", that she'd "only be slowing me down". We took a bus to her place b/c she wanted me to pick up my stuff, she was friendly, we even laughed and shared new details about each other's lives... .asked her if we could be friends, to which she abstractly answered "If I'll ever find myself texting you, I guess so, if I won't, I guess not"... .gave me my stuff back, I hugged her and told her I'd always be there for her, and I won't contact her, told her "you can smile, it's over now"... .told me again "I'll find someone else soon", to which I replied "Yeah, not really in the mood to look for dates right now"... .said our goodbyes and parted ways.

3 Days later, I was in so much inner turmoil that I couldn't keep it in anymore, I texted her explaining why I said some of the things I said, telling her "If I have to live with this regret for the rest of my life, it's a fate I'll have to accept", telling her it doesn't have to end, and stating she doesn't have to reply... .she replied 3 hours later, saying "You said you won't text me anymore, I guess you're right , your words really mean nothing, stop bothering me"... .I replied "Fine , hope you'll have a nice life", deleted the conversation, unfollowed her on Instagram (because she unfollowed me).

Two weeks of inner conflict and cyber-stalking, I sent her a casual text about something mutual, she most likely deleted it. Day later I sent her a request on Instagram (private user) - request declined. Been 4 days since.

I must note something, when we were on the bus to pick up my stuff I asked her about the profile picture and why she changed it, she said she was "upset with me" (to me, it seemed as "It's over" at the time, and I had to use a mutual friend to ask her about it, just to realize she thinks "I need some time to think", and I told her she had much prettier pictures of her... .when I tried to contact her 3 days later she changed her picture, both on chat and Insta (to my favorite picture of her) . Unfollowed her? changed her username. Tried to text her (with no reply)? changed her status on Insta (something about dogs), requested to follow her on Insta? declined, but she did log on at midnight only to change her chat photo to a selfie, after I changed my photo a day before to a selfie (mirroring, perhaps?). We're both going to the same concert in 2 months, her favorite band, seeing as she has no friends she'll go alone (I'm also her first boyfriend, first guy-friend, and I think first real best-friend), she knows I'll be there... .

I neglected so much of my life for her - my friends, my job (or lack of it as of now), my band... .I threw everything I was away to spend time with her... .She was my everything... .ever since the breakup I started rediscovering myself, got back to the things I neglected... .but it's not the same without her... .the loneliness is always there... .the FOG is starting to fade away, but I love that woman to death, we had so much in common, she was my first everything, I'm very loyal and I want this to work... .but how? I tried everything. can anyone PLEASE advise me what to do? I've been studying BPD daily for hours, and I know I've made some mistakes (the biggest one is not reading a whole lot on BPD while we were still dating), probably split me black now... .What to do?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Aurylian]

Sounds like she wants NC for a while.  That may or may not be the end of the relationship.  But, it does give you time to read up and grow. 

What areas are you focusing on in the Lessons?

[Bassoutcast]

Sounds like she wants NC for a while.  That may or may not be the end of the relationship.  But, it does give you time to read up and grow. 

What areas are you focusing on in the Lessons?

My role in the relationship, boundaries and the tools.

I really don't want this to be the end, she's very dear to me and I don't want to give up on her, on "us".

I sometimes feel like I'm a monster... .like I destroyed the one thing I actually cared about in a long time... .but I didn't choose to end this relationship... .

[Aurylian]

Do you have a chance to work with a therapist?  The best odds for reigniting the relationship is to be ready with a healthy self, who is stronger and is ready to use the Tools well. 

It sounds like you will be seeing her at least at the concert. 

[Bassoutcast]

Do you have a chance to work with a therapist?  The best odds for reigniting the relationship is to be ready with a healthy self, who is stronger and is ready to use the Tools well. 

It sounds like you will be seeing her at least at the concert. 

I think it'll be best for me to start working with a T as well... .I have a lot of unresolved issues I need to take care of.

The concert will have around 8000 people in it, I don't know how easy will it be to spot her (although I'm 6"3 and she's a redhead so we'll both "stick out of the crowd". Besides that, I have no way of "running into her", we live in different cities and I seriously have nothing else to do in her city to have a "valid" excuse of running into her... .

I think her mother and sister have BPD as well... .her sister can be very calm, but can have tantrums and slam doors and scream. I wanted to befriend her sister but my ex said "don't, the closer people get to her the more she blames her problems on them, it's best if you don't". Her mom is very quiet, but my ex told me she wanted to commit suicide a couple of times, physically abused her (pulled her hair, hit her, etc) and even told her "you're not my daughter", a thing she later (at least in my ex's words) denied.

Outside her family my ex never had friends, maybe acquaintances, sure, but she never had a genuine friend who listened to her problems and helped her when she needed it... .well, at least until I came along. Her sister also has basically no friends, same with her mother... .they're a very isolated family... .but somehow I got through... .her mom even called me "a member of the family" a couple of weeks before we broke up... .

Again, I'm not a quitter, I'll do whatever it takes to get her back, even if chances are slim, I believe in love. I know my ex will almost certainly won't get another boyfriend, at least anytime soon (multiple reasons), which works in my favor. If I'll run into her in the concert, how do I communicate? do I go casual and ask her to hang out with me (seeing as we're both alone there and she knows me)? if we do hang out, how much should I do? should I hold her hand when a romantic song comes along? kiss her? where's the line?

[Elizabeth22]

Hi Bassoutcast,

I am new here, so I am not familiar with your other thread. I am very sorry for the pain this is causing you, but do you think it might be best to respect her wishes and cease contact?

[Bassoutcast]

Hi Bassoutcast,

I am new here, so I am not familiar with your other thread. I am very sorry for the pain this is causing you, but do you think it might be best to respect her wishes and cease contact?

She ALWAYS does that to people, goes NC with her parents, cuts people who get close out, she's always the victim, the good one, and everyone else is bad. But I DO know that once she regains contact with people, at least her family, she gradually opens up again, or at least tolerates them... .I don't know, if we both go NC, she might see it as "Oh, I guess he doesn't care, I guess he moved on, I guess he didn't love me after all"... .She's not the type to miss someone who's painted black, no matter how close to her... .I love that girl with all my heart and I don't know how to show her I care... .flowers on her doorstep with a card? spray-painting messages around her neighborhood? I'm lost, I don't want to lose her... .every form of direct contact (chat, Instagram) will probably be ignored... .so in-direct contact is the only form of contact I have... . 

[Elizabeth22]

Hi Bassoutcast,

I am new here, so I am not familiar with your other thread. I am very sorry for the pain this is causing you, but do you think it might be best to respect her wishes and cease contact?

She ALWAYS does that to people, goes NC with her parents, cuts people who get close out, she's always the victim, the good one, and everyone else is bad. But I DO know that once she regains contact with people, at least her family, she gradually opens up again, or at least tolerates them... .I don't know, if we both go NC, she might see it as "Oh, I guess he doesn't care, I guess he moved on, I guess he didn't love me after all"... .She's not the type to miss someone who's painted black, no matter how close to her... .I love that girl with all my heart and I don't know how to show her I care... .flowers on her doorstep with a card? spray-painting messages around her neighborhood? I'm lost, I don't want to lose her... .every form of direct contact (chat, Instagram) will probably be ignored... .so in-direct contact is the only form of contact I have... . 

I'm sure this is really hard for you, but how do you have contact with someone who doesn't want to have contact with you? Sometimes you can only control what you do, not how someone will respond to it. Maybe she would just like some space? Or maybe she is no longer interested? I am just wondering if you have considered these as possibilities.

[Bassoutcast]

Hi Bassoutcast,

I am new here, so I am not familiar with your other thread. I am very sorry for the pain this is causing you, but do you think it might be best to respect her wishes and cease contact?

She ALWAYS does that to people, goes NC with her parents, cuts people who get close out, she's always the victim, the good one, and everyone else is bad. But I DO know that once she regains contact with people, at least her family, she gradually opens up again, or at least tolerates them... .I don't know, if we both go NC, she might see it as "Oh, I guess he doesn't care, I guess he moved on, I guess he didn't love me after all"... .She's not the type to miss someone who's painted black, no matter how close to her... .I love that girl with all my heart and I don't know how to show her I care... .flowers on her doorstep with a card? spray-painting messages around her neighborhood? I'm lost, I don't want to lose her... .every form of direct contact (chat, Instagram) will probably be ignored... .so in-direct contact is the only form of contact I have... . 

I'm sure this is really hard for you, but how do you have contact with someone who doesn't want to have contact with you? Sometimes you can only control what you do, not how someone will respond to it. Maybe she would just like some space? Or maybe she is no longer interested? I am just wondering if you have considered these as possibilities.

I can't believe that after all we've been through she would just cut me out like that, after all I've done for her, all I sacrificed for her, knowing in my heart we had a bright future together and I'm doing all that because I love her and want to spend my life with her... .all that effort, and for what? for THIS? my mind CAN'T accept it. I'm not saying she's somehow "in debt" with me, but she just threw me under the bus, saying words that hurt most ("you'll find someone else" hurt me the most)... .I've seen her at her WORST and helped her become her BEST, she saw me at my BEST and threw me away when I was at my WORST (I'm SORRY my parents split up, I'm sorry I have abandonment issues, I'm sorry I've been abused so many times in my life to the point I can't believe in good things happening to me and I'm SORRY I was worried  to the point of paranoia about my girlfriend, who I love with all my heart, because she TRIED TO KILL HERSELF TWICE WITHIN LESS THEN 5 MONTHS)... .

Why god... .why can't I ever have anything good in my life... .why... .-

[LivingOn]

My gf cut me off as well, and she told me, ones i cut people off i just switch of my feelings towards them, i know its not good but i cant help it. I guess she is a sick individual, well i don't know anymore

[patientandclear]

I know it's tempting when you feel you're losing love to love more, to communicate about it more, to explain how much you care, how important it is. To the other person though, especially with BPD, this can feel oppressive and smothering. To be needed that much can feel really bad.

Who knows if the two of you will move into a new phase of contact but if you do, you might want to bear in mind the concept of loving with an open hand. Don't hang on so hard. It will probably make things easier.

[Bassoutcast]

I know it's tempting when you feel you're losing love to love more, to communicate about it more, to explain how much you care, how important it is. To the other person though, especially with BPD, this can feel oppressive and smothering. To be needed that much can feel really bad.

Who knows if the two of you will move into a new phase of contact but if you do, you might want to bear in mind the concept of loving with an open hand. Don't hang on so hard. It will probably make things easier.

I know it's probably going to smother her and just push her away more... .but it hurts so much knowing a person who knows you love them is just cutting you out like you're nothing more than a bad dream they want to push away... .

Everyone I talked to told me to "let her reach out first"... .but what if she doesn't? The one thing I hate more than anything is not knowing... .I guess I'll have to wait for that concert, work on myself and hopefully see her there and start things up again... .but how do I even start a conversation with her? casually and ask her to hang out? where do I draw the line?

She told me I'll "find someone else soon"... .talked to my sister, she told me it's one of those "BS things girls say during a breakup to hurt a person less", that she doesn't mean it... .but how the hell would I know... .

[Elizabeth22]

Hi Bassoutcast,

I am new here, so I am not familiar with your other thread. I am very sorry for the pain this is causing you, but do you think it might be best to respect her wishes and cease contact?

She ALWAYS does that to people, goes NC with her parents, cuts people who get close out, she's always the victim, the good one, and everyone else is bad. But I DO know that once she regains contact with people, at least her family, she gradually opens up again, or at least tolerates them... .I don't know, if we both go NC, she might see it as "Oh, I guess he doesn't care, I guess he moved on, I guess he didn't love me after all"... .She's not the type to miss someone who's painted black, no matter how close to her... .I love that girl with all my heart and I don't know how to show her I care... .flowers on her doorstep with a card? spray-painting messages around her neighborhood? I'm lost, I don't want to lose her... .every form of direct contact (chat, Instagram) will probably be ignored... .so in-direct contact is the only form of contact I have... . 

I'm sure this is really hard for you, but how do you have contact with someone who doesn't want to have contact with you? Sometimes you can only control what you do, not how someone will respond to it. Maybe she would just like some space? Or maybe she is no longer interested? I am just wondering if you have considered these as possibilities.

I can't believe that after all we've been through she would just cut me out like that, after all I've done for her, all I sacrificed for her, knowing in my heart we had a bright future together and I'm doing all that because I love her and want to spend my life with her... .all that effort, and for what? for THIS? my mind CAN'T accept it. I'm not saying she's somehow "in debt" with me, but she just threw me under the bus, saying words that hurt most ("you'll find someone else" hurt me the most)... .I've seen her at her WORST and helped her become her BEST, she saw me at my BEST and threw me away when I was at my WORST (I'm SORRY my parents split up, I'm sorry I have abandonment issues, I'm sorry I've been abused so many times in my life to the point I can't believe in good things happening to me and I'm SORRY I was worried  to the point of paranoia about my girlfriend, who I love with all my heart, because she TRIED TO KILL HERSELF TWICE WITHIN LESS THEN 5 MONTHS)... .

Why god... .why can't I ever have anything good in my life... .why... .-

Bassoutcast,

You may not mean it to sound like a debt, but it does. I am not a BPD expert, I have a lot to learn about it, but I think boundaries are an issue here. You should really think about respecting hers, because BPD or not, people generally want their boundaries respected. I tried to read back on your threads and this situation sounds very intense, IMO. This might be a good time to take a step back, perhaps get some counseling for yourself and just breathe. Focus on yourself and the part you play in this. You can't control her, you can only control you.

[Bassoutcast]

... .I hate to admit it but I guess you're right... me pushing her is what led to this breakup in the first place. pushing her now will only reinforce her resentment against me and convince her again and again I can't keep my promises (which, I admit, I didn't).

Shr knows I'll be at the concert, if she wants to hang out she has my number (hopefully she hasn't deleted it yet). I'm only gonna try twice - meeting her at the concert and offering to hang out, and leaving her flowers by the doorstep on her birthday (which is in December, I doubt she'll question my "hidden motives" after 8 months, plus I just care about her and want to give her a present like I would to any other person who's important to me, not trying to "get back in her pants" at that time).

Thanks... .I believe time can mend a broken heart, I guess all I can do now is give her that time... .

[JRT]

... .me pushing her is what led to this breakup in the first place.

Perhaps it triggered your breakup, but if she is a BPD, the breakup was int he cards before you even met her. If this did not trigger, something else would have. Nothing that you did or didn't do had caused this to happen. It is not your fault.

[Bassoutcast]

... .me pushing her is what led to this breakup in the first place.

Perhaps it triggered your breakup, but if she is a BPD, the breakup was int he cards before you even met her. If this did not trigger, something else would have. Nothing that you did or didn't do had caused this to happen. It is not your fault.

I see... .I still in my heart hope she still has feelings for me, love just doesn't go away in a day... .I hope that when we'll meet again we'll start anew... .I won't give up on us that easily. she wants space? done. I will love her unconditionally.

[JRT]

She did love and care for you, of this I am convinced. There are some on these boards that argue that they have no feelings, only needs that require satisfaction. I think that they are capable of loving but achieving that level of intimacy triggers feelings that they simply don't know how to deal with. Worse yet, they way that they DO deal with them, is to sabotage the r/s and kill it. I think that recycles, for example, might be a manifestation of a level of sanity 'winning out' over the disorder in a good faith attempt to give it another go (within the framework of the disorder).

We could finish a six pack discussing this dynamic. The important conversation is whether or not, upon her return, she is CAPABLE of being 50% of a healthy r/.s. Keep something in mind: while I have heard of many stories of non's remaining in their r/s's (they are usually varying degrees of hell) I have not heard of one r/s where they have returned and there was a blissful and loving end of story. Neither am I familiar with any story where one was cured as through treatment was able to lead a healthy interpersonal life. This is something for those of us that have thoughts of returning to consider.

[Bassoutcast]

She did love and care for you, of this I am convinced. There are some on these boards that argue that they have no feelings, only needs that require satisfaction. I think that they are capable of loving but achieving that level of intimacy triggers feelings that they simply don't know how to deal with. Worse yet, they way that they DO deal with them, is to sabotage the r/s and kill it. I think that recycles, for example, might be a manifestation of a level of sanity 'winning out' over the disorder in a good faith attempt to give it another go (within the framework of the disorder).

We could finish a six pack discussing this dynamic. The important conversation is whether or not, upon her return, she is CAPABLE of being 50% of a healthy r/.s. Keep something in mind: while I have heard of many stories of non's remaining in their r/s's (they are usually varying degrees of hell) I have not heard of one r/s where they have returned and there was a blissful and loving end of story. Neither am I familiar with any story where one was cured as through treatment was able to lead a healthy interpersonal life. This is something for those of us that have thoughts of returning to consider.

I'm willing to take that risk. I promised her "Whatever comes in our way, we'll deal with it together" - I'll keep that promise. I'd rather go through hell with her than be alone in heaven. I know that a "happy ending" with BPD is as likely as winning the lottery, but those are chances I'm willing to take and I'll GLADLY place my bet on those odds.

If she's not capable of her 50%, guess I'll have to do them for her, but I WILL NOT give up on US. It's been a LONG time since I was that determined to get something. She's the woman I've been waiting for, for many years, I won't let this dream slip through my fingers. Whatever it takes - I'll do it! 

[Heldfast]

Fine, then work on you. Read voraciously on BPD and the tools needed to deal with it. Work on yourself so you have the patience and ability to handle it. Take care of yourself and make yourself a better you. Maybe you'll be ready for her, maybe you'll just find you've moved on. But you cannot control her, you cannot fix her. So start with you. Good luck!

[Maternus]

If she's not capable of her 50%, guess I'll have to do them for her, but I WILL NOT give up on US. It's been a LONG time since I was that determined to get something. She's the woman I've been waiting for, for many years, I won't let this dream slip through my fingers. Whatever it takes - I'll do it! 

Do whatever you you think you have to do. I wish you all the luck in the world. But when things turn out to be different than you've expected, read your own words again: "I won't let this dream slip through my fingers." A pwBPD can be like a dream come true - I know it, I've been there. It felt like a dream because you were mirrored. Much of the beauty you experienced is the beauty that is in you and that was always in you.

[Bassoutcast]

I guess part of it was the mirroring, but I did manage to see through the disorder sometimes, where the disorder ends and where the real "her" begins. and SHE had s lot in common with me. Sure, she could have mirrored my sense of humor and other characteristics, but we did share many common interests... .our first conversation was about the band poster I had up in my office which was one of her favorites... .So I don't believe it was all the disorder's "fault".

Can someone also comment on the "games" I've talked about in my first comment? about her changing pictures and statuses and mirroring me (now she also logs on when I'm logged on, and logs off when I log off, what's the deal with that)?

[JRT]

If she's not capable of her 50%, guess I'll have to do them for her, but I WILL NOT give up on US. It's been a LONG time since I was that determined to get something. She's the woman I've been waiting for, for many years, I won't let this dream slip through my fingers. Whatever it takes - I'll do it!  [/quote]
I admire your resolve and wish that more people in relationships were committed as you are. Keep in mind that this is not a situation of percentages; it is not the 49% that we are worried about, it is the probability that they will simply up and leave (as many do) without notice and you having invested your time and significant emotional capital to someone who is willing to potentially discard you with as much fanfare as a an old pair of shoes. I am not saying that you should't pursue according to y0our conscience. I am saying that you should be mentally prepared for one of various BPD eventualities... .they are pretty well chronicled here. 

[Bassoutcast]

If she's not capable of her 50%, guess I'll have to do them for her, but I WILL NOT give up on US. It's been a LONG time since I was that determined to get something. She's the woman I've been waiting for, for many years, I won't let this dream slip through my fingers. Whatever it takes - I'll do it! 

I admire your resolve and wish that more people in relationships were committed as you are. Keep in mind that this is not a situation of percentages; it is not the 49% that we are worried about, it is the probability that they will simply up and leave (as many do) without notice and you having invested your time and significant emotional capital to someone who is willing to potentially discard you with as much fanfare as a an old pair of shoes. I am not saying that you should't pursue according to y0our conscience. I am saying that you should be mentally prepared for one of various BPD eventualities... .they are pretty well chronicled here.  [/quote]
I understand it and I'm willing to take it head-on. I think everyone deserves a second chance, and when (not if, WHEN) we'll get back together - I know things will be different , but so will I. I'll be cautious and caring, and if she finds another "excuse" to end this relationship, despite me changing and tolerating her - she can seriously go f**k herself, but until that, I'll wait for her.

I already have a plan on how to get her back, probably my only 2 chances (the concert and her birthday). I once got in touch with a friend on his birthday after 8 months of no-contact (after a series of arguments triggered mostly by my ego), long story short we rebuilt our friendship and it became stronger than ever, so who knows how things will end up with my ex.

[JRT]

My plan was to let her cool off via three months of NC (she didn't try to contact me either). On Xmas eve, I called her from an unblocked phone at a hotel I was at. She hung up on when when I said hello twice. An hour later, I got a call from the cops.

[Bassoutcast]

My plan was to let her cool off via three months of NC (she didn't try to contact me either). On Xmas eve, I called her from an unblocked phone at a hotel I was at. She hung up on when when I said hello twice. An hour later, I got a call from the cops.

Wow, that sounds like taking extreme measures over something so insignificant... .

I'm going to be as subtle as I can - I'll try to find her and meet her at the concert we're both going to, say hi and ask if she wants to hang out together (seeing as we're both going to be alone), if she doesn't I'll say goodbye and walk away (though not too far away, to be withing her range of sight if she changes her mind). If that goes well - we'll see how it goes, if not, my only other option will be her birthday, which is in December... .I'll just leave her favorite flowers by her doorstep, with a card and a little present (a plush doll from a series she collects). We'll see how it goes, but that's as much "contact" I'll do with her. I'll be working on myself and moving forward with my life.

[Bassoutcast]

I should also mention - I've been reading on types of BPD, she's without a doubt a "quiet" one (unlike her twin sister who's the "classic" BPD). Does her "type" matter in this situation and with my plan? She won't yell or go physical, I know this for a fact... .does her "type" benefit me in this situation?

[drummerboy]

Be VERY careful about contacting a pwBPD when they do not want any contact. Mine got the police involved. They are very unstablen vindictive people. You have been warned!

[Elizabeth22]

I am glad to see people have brought up police involvement here. It's a reality. BPD or not, if it looks like you are stalking someone (and I am not saying JRT or drummerboy did) the police will get involved. You could find yourself in court having a stalking restraining order issued against you or arrested. This is what I meant about respecting boundaries. You could get in some serious trouble. I am not meaning to be preachy, but the advice here is very realistic. Just because she has BPD and goes no contact, doesn't mean she doesn't have the right to do so.

[JRT]

I should also mention - I've been reading on types of BPD, she's without a doubt a "quiet" one (unlike her twin sister who's the "classic" BPD). Does her "type" matter in this situation and with my plan? She won't yell or go physical, I know this for a fact... .does her "type" benefit me in this situation?

Mine was also a waif/hermit - we NEVER had an argument... .trust me: they rage, its just internalized. Seeing you or getting a bday wish might evoke a response like mine. Remember: push/pull is a hallmark of BPD and your innocuous contact may trigger emotions that you had not intended to trigger (just ask my ex!).

This is standard BPD stuff... .its about control/power and punishment... .they all seem to do stuff like this. Do yourself a favor: go NC EVEN if you want to get back with her - THATS your best strategy.

[drummerboy]

Mine was a classic waif too, IMO they are MORE likely to involve the police as they hate confrontation. Hard as it is to hear, I'm guessing you are the last person she wants to hear from. It sucks big time but you have to protect yourself.

[JRT]

Mine was a classic waif too, IMO they are MORE likely to involve the police as they hate confrontation. Hard as it is to hear, I'm guessing you are the last person she wants to hear from. It sucks big time but you have to protect yourself.

I couldn't agree more!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Bassoutcast]

Thanks for the warning guys.

I think I'm on the "safe side",mainly because she told me she used to have a staller in high school (who'd follow her around even though he lives halfway across town, and, to her claims, touch her friend inappropriately), and all she did was tell her teacher (who did nothing), her parents to this day have no clue, she didn't even tell them she was sexually assaulted as a kid once... .poor girl... .

Do hermits even initiate contact? I know my odds are slim to none but I want to know.

Also, I should note she usually "puts on a happy face" to hide her resentment. I remember she saw this girl on the bus and went as far as chatting with her and being friendly, then she told me that girl used to be her and her sister's "good friend" but then (of course) she started insulting her and her family and she cut her off... .always the victim, never to blame... .

Think I'll take my odds with the concert. It's a public place, not like I'm waiting on her doormat... .her reaction will tell me all I need... .

[JRT]

Thanks for the warning guys.

I think I'm on the "safe side",mainly because she told me she used to have a staller in high school (who'd follow her around even though he lives halfway across town, and, to her claims, touch her friend inappropriately), and all she did was tell her teacher

Sorry, don't mean to be a wanker here but, HELLO! She did EXACTLY like we are telling you: she went straight to the 'authorities'!

Brother, I WANT you to be successful in getting your wishes to come true. Because of the push/pull nature of BPD, you WILL be pushing her away even if you run into one another 'serendipitously'.

If you are serious about getting her back, go FULL NC with her... .respect her boundaries rather than violate them. You are a trigger to her... .slowly, this will go away. During that period, hopefully, she will have sought help with a therapist and she will contact you (most do). If you try to force it to happen, it is most likely to fail by the very nature of the disorder. Your ONLY plan is NC.

[Bassoutcast]

Thanks for the warning guys.

I think I'm on the "safe side",mainly because she told me she used to have a staller in high school (who'd follow her around even though he lives halfway across town, and, to her claims, touch her friend inappropriately), and all she did was tell her teacher

Sorry, don't mean to be a wanker here but, HELLO! She did EXACTLY like we are telling you: she went straight to the 'authorities'!

Brother, I WANT you to be successful in getting your wishes to come true. Because of the push/pull nature of BPD, you WILL be pushing her away even if you run into one another 'serendipitously'.

If you are serious about getting her back, go FULL NC with her... .respect her boundaries rather than violate them. You are a trigger to her... .slowly, this will go away. During that period, hopefully, she will have sought help with a therapist and she will contact you (most do). If you try to force it to happen, it is most likely to fail by the very nature of the disorder. Your ONLY plan is NC.

So basically what you're saying is that my best bet to win her back will be to do nothing about it and HOPE she will contact me? 2 and a half months is A LOT of time, I seriously doubt her going into therapy, she always had an excuse ("I can't afford it" "I don't need it, I'm doing better, can't you see?" "My family will think I'm weird" etc).

I know my ex well enough to know one thing - she's NEVER going to initiate contact with someone who's done something "wrong" or "bad" to her, EVER. I've seen how her family handles her - they let her cool off, and then reel her in, saying they don't blame her/aren't mad, and she'd come back until the next outburst (I wouldn't be surprised if her parents saw a therapist who told them how to handle her, considering both she and her sister have BPD). All she needs is a good, friendly conversation to keep things moving in the right direction. So long story short - NC is essential ATM, but when my moment comes I will initiate contact and see how it goes. I think if I won't initiate contact she'll think I don't really care, that I abandoned her, got sick of her (that's how her mindset works). She told me I'll "find someone else"? If I'll get a new girlfriend it'll devastate her... .she says one thing but means the other... .plus I told her I'll see her at the concert, gotta keep my word eh?

[JRT]

okay... .good luck

[Riverrat]

My thought on your last post is that 'YOU' won't know her feelings or mindset when you decide to contact her! So--what could happen here?

You could still be a trigger and push her further away

OR

She could be thinking about contact, but now still sees you as black

OR

She may want to initiate contact, but it needs to be on her terms, and she may be working out a way to do that in her mind.

Your sudden appearance in her life will cause a 'fight or flight' response, and she will push you away some more.

Yes, timing IS everything, and you can't judge her thoughts/feelings.

and remember, you can't sway her--feelings=facts!

It is so hard to remember that this is NOT a normal relationship, with SO's that see things so differently.

Just my thoughts--

[Bassoutcast]

My thought on your last post is that 'YOU' won't know her feelings or mindset when you decide to contact her! So--what could happen here?

You could still be a trigger and push her further away

OR

She could be thinking about contact, but now still sees you as black

OR

She may want to initiate contact, but it needs to be on her terms, and she may be working out a way to do that in her mind.

Your sudden appearance in her life will cause a 'fight or flight' response, and she will push you away some more.

Yes, timing IS everything, and you can't judge her thoughts/feelings.

and remember, you can't sway her--feelings=facts!

It is so hard to remember that this is NOT a normal relationship, with SO's that see things so differently.

Just my thoughts--

I know it's a risk, and guessing the outcome is pretty much like playing poker - you can never be 100% sure until your opponent reveals his cards... .but timing IS everything (it can go both ways - she can be ecstatic to see her favorite band, and won't mind me as much as she normally would, OR she can be ecstatic to see her favorite band and she'll think I'm trying to ruin this day for her by popping out in the middle of no-where), But I'm not even sure I'm gonna see her there (8000 people is a BIG crowd), so who knows, she might even call me during the concert if she'll feel lonely, IDK. I won't know for certain until that day comes, and who knows - maybe she'll initiate contact before the concert. It's really up to her, and I'm not going to sway her... ."may the odds be in my favor" I guess? 

[Elizabeth22]

You are dealing with someone who has been sexually assaulted as a child and stalked. You plan to violate her boundaries. I am sorry, but that is very selfish. Stop thinking about what you want, what she owes you, how you won't give up on your dreams and  every single thing to do with you. I am seriously starting to wonder if her NC with you is her BPD or she just does not want to be with you anymore. Surely people with BPD can also just decided that they don't want to be with someone anymore and its not just a function of the BPD. You are planning months out to December. You seem obsessive,  but you are blaming all of this on her. IIRC there was a huge problem over her having to work, and you didn't like it. That is just not healthy. I really think you need a lot of time to work on yourself to learn healthy boundaries and practice them. You also need to accept that this girl may not come back to you and what you are doing just may be scaring her or driving her away further. I don't mean to seem harsh, but everyone is telling you this and you keep rationalizing. You won't listen. You don't seem to want help, you just seem to want validation to violate boundaries. Please, please, please  get some help.  You are willing to risk potential legal action and arrest/police involvment (others here have talked about their experiences with that) and you just talk around it. I do believe these things need to be sorted out with a therapist. I do believe you need to work on you.

[Bassoutcast]

You are dealing with someone who has been sexually assaulted as a child and stalked. You plan to violate her boundaries. I am sorry, but that is very selfish. Stop thinking about what you want, what she owes you, how you won't give up on your dreams and  every single thing to do with you. I am seriously starting to wonder if her NC with you is her BPD or she just does not want to be with you anymore. Surely people with BPD can also just decided that they don't want to be with someone anymore and its not just a function of the BPD. You are planning months out to December. You seem obsessive,  but you are blaming all of this on her. IIRC there was a huge problem over her having to work, and you didn't like it. That is just not healthy. I really think you need a lot of time to work on yourself to learn healthy boundaries and practice them. You also need to accept that this girl may not come back to you and what you are doing just may be scaring her or driving her away further. I don't mean to seem harsh, but everyone is telling you this and you keep rationalizing. You won't listen. You don't seem to want help, you just seem to want validation to violate boundaries. Please, please, please  get some help.  You are willing to risk potential legal action and arrest/police involvment (others here have talked about their experiences with that) and you just talk around it. I do believe these things need to be sorted out with a therapist. I do believe you need to work on you.

I never said I'm blaming everything on her, I know very well my behavior also played a major role in this, and I'm already holding myself back by not texting or contacting her in any way, even though I want to. I'm working on myself daily.

I'm already scheduled for a therapist next week, I AM getting help. I KNOW that I'm just seeking validation, that it may sound like I'm selfish... .and sometimes I AM... .but I DO worry about HER, but she CHOSE not to have me in her life... .fine... .whatever... .I won't seek her out... .

Going out on a walk... .what's the point of anything anymore... .

[cosmonaut]

Hey Bass,

Man, I'm really sorry to hear about all that you've been through.  I get why you're so hurt and just want you to know that you are not alone.  I've been through this myself and I know it hurts like no other pain.  I can tell from your words how much you love this woman and how you would give anything to help her and to make your relationship work.  That's really noble of you, and I wish that the world were a more perfect place where BPD didn't exist and you two could be happy forever after.

The most important thing that I want you to really understand right now, and this is so important, is that this is not your fault.  It's not.  She didn't cut you out of her life because you aren't good enough or didn't do this or that.  It wasn't because you didn't love her enough or didn't treat her well enough.  It's none of those things.  What I have come to adamantly believe is that there is nothing I could have done to save my relationship with my ex.  I have spent the entire past year thinking and reflecting upon this, and reading everything I can find about BPD.  And that's what I've come to realize: it wasn't my fault and there's nothing I could have done that would have changed anything.  She was triggered, she was dysregulated, and she has absolutely no healthy coping skills at all to be able to handle her out of control emotions.  So, she ran.  It's what she does.  She's done it all of her life, and it has caused her so, so much pain.  But she doesn't know what else to do.  It's not her fault, she's just a very sick person.  This is also the case with your ex.  It's so important that you not allow yourself to internalize that you are responsible for the relationship failing, because that's when this can become tremendously damaging.  It is not your fault, Bass.  You did not cause this.  Truly.

That truth is that your ex ran BECAUSE you loved her.  It was because you treated her so well and you cared for her so much.  You showed her such patience and love.  You gave her all of the things she wants more than anything else in the world.  And that terrified her, because she is a disordered person and in her distorted world that meant that she was inevitably going to lose all of that love.  Deep inside she feels broken and defective and she is convinced that no one could ever really love her once they see that.  So, she is convinced that she will always be abandoned, and that is why she is hyperviligent for any sign of it - because she just knows it's coming.  BPD is a tragic disorder.  It causes those that suffer from it to discard and destroy the very thing that they want more than anything else in the world: unconditional love and acceptance.  But they can't see that, because they are convinced that they are unworthy of it, and they will never have it.  So, you see, by you being a loving and caring partner she became triggered.  The emotional intimacy that you brought into her life at first felt like the most incredible and amazing experience possible - it was all of her dreams come true.  And then, she started, bit by bit, to fear that she was losing it, until she was overwhelmed by that fear.  It was BECAUSE she felt so close to you and became so emotionally intimate with you that she became triggered.  She would have never become triggered otherwise.

Can you see that this is not your fault?  Truly it's not.  But it is also important to realize that you can't fix this either.  And I know that is a bitter pill to swallow.  I have had to swallow it too.  You are now a trigger for your ex (through absolutely no fault of yours), and the very thought of you provokes feeling of tremendous loss and shame and pain for her.  And she can't handle that.  She has no skills at being able to control her emotions and no ability to soothe herself.  So, she's doing the only thing she can: she's suppressing it.  She's running from it.  She's splitting you.  She's engaging all of these primitive and deeply unhealthy defense mechanisms, because she is trying to save herself from the agonizing pain of losing you.  It is not because she doesn't care about the end of your relationship.  It is because it is agony for her.

That best, most loving thing that you can do for your ex right now is to give her the space she needs to allow her emotions to calm.  She CAN'T do this with you in the picture.  I know that sucks so much, but it's true.  You have to give her space.  Is your relationship over for good?  I don't know.  There's certainly a chance that she may be able to quiet her emotions and suddenly want you back.  But it's also possible she won't, unfortunately.  There's just no way to know.  The odds do favor her contacting you again at some point, but it may not be anytime soon.  So, try and prepare yourself for that possibility.  I am only telling you this to be honest with you so you can have a realistic idea of what to expect.  I am not trying to hurt you in saying this.  Remember, none of this is your fault.

In the meantime, you can work on you.  Take some time for some self repairs.  We all have things to work on, and if we want to be with a partner that has BPD then we have all the more work to do.  BPD relationships are hard, even under the best of circumstances.  If your ex returns and you want to continue a relationship with her, you will have to be her rock.  You will have to be an incredibly healthy and well adjusted person.  She is not a person who has a fully formed self, Bass.  She will require you to be her foundation and her soothing presence, because she can't do that for herself.  It will not be easy, but I truly understand if you love her and accept her completely as she is.  I feel similarly about my ex.  So, I understand.

Remember, this is not your fault.  Give her space, and spend this time working on YOU.  You deserve it!

[Bassoutcast]

Hey Bass,

Man, I'm really sorry to hear about all that you've been through.  I get why you're so hurt and just want you to know that you are not alone.  I've been through this myself and I know it hurts like no other pain.  I can tell from your words how much you love this woman and how you would give anything to help her and to make your relationship work.  That's really noble of you, and I wish that the world were a more perfect place where BPD didn't exist and you two could be happy forever after.

The most important thing that I want you to really understand right now, and this is so important, is that this is not your fault.  It's not.  She didn't cut you out of her life because you aren't good enough or didn't do this or that.  It wasn't because you didn't love her enough or didn't treat her well enough.  It's none of those things.  What I have come to adamantly believe is that there is nothing I could have done to save my relationship with my ex.  I have spent the entire past year thinking and reflecting upon this, and reading everything I can find about BPD.  And that's what I've come to realize: it wasn't my fault and there's nothing I could have done that would have changed anything.  She was triggered, she was dysregulated, and she has absolutely no healthy coping skills at all to be able to handle her out of control emotions.  So, she ran.  It's what she does.  She's done it all of her life, and it has caused her so, so much pain.  But she doesn't know what else to do.  It's not her fault, she's just a very sick person.  This is also the case with your ex.  It's so important that you not allow yourself to internalize that you are responsible for the relationship failing, because that's when this can become tremendously damaging.  It is not your fault, Bass.  You did not cause this.  Truly.

That truth is that your ex ran BECAUSE you loved her.  It was because you treated her so well and you cared for her so much.  You showed her such patience and love.  You gave her all of the things she wants more than anything else in the world.  And that terrified her, because she is a disordered person and in her distorted world that meant that she was inevitably going to lose all of that love.  Deep inside she feels broken and defective and she is convinced that no one could ever really love her once they see that.  So, she is convinced that she will always be abandoned, and that is why she is hyperviligent for any sign of it - because she just knows it's coming.  BPD is a tragic disorder.  It causes those that suffer from it to discard and destroy the very thing that they want more than anything else in the world: unconditional love and acceptance.  But they can't see that, because they are convinced that they are unworthy of it, and they will never have it.  So, you see, by you being a loving and caring partner she became triggered.  The emotional intimacy that you brought into her life at first felt like the most incredible and amazing experience possible - it was all of her dreams come true.  And then, she started, bit by bit, to fear that she was losing it, until she was overwhelmed by that fear.  It was BECAUSE she felt so close to you and became so emotionally intimate with you that she became triggered.  She would have never become triggered otherwise.

Can you see that this is not your fault?  Truly it's not.  But it is also important to realize that you can't fix this either.  And I know that is a bitter pill to swallow.  I have had to swallow it too.  You are now a trigger for your ex (through absolutely no fault of yours), and the very thought of you provokes feeling of tremendous loss and shame and pain for her.  And she can't handle that.  She has no skills at being able to control her emotions and no ability to soothe herself.  So, she's doing the only thing she can: she's suppressing it.  She's running from it.  She's splitting you.  She's engaging all of these primitive and deeply unhealthy defense mechanisms, because she is trying to save herself from the agonizing pain of losing you.  It is not because she doesn't care about the end of your relationship.  It is because it is agony for her.

That best, most loving thing that you can do for your ex right now is to give her the space she needs to allow her emotions to calm.  She CAN'T do this with you in the picture.  I know that sucks so much, but it's true.  You have to give her space.  Is your relationship over for good?  I don't know.  There's certainly a chance that she may be able to quiet her emotions and suddenly want you back.  But it's also possible she won't, unfortunately.  There's just no way to know.  The odds do favor her contacting you again at some point, but it may not be anytime soon.  So, try and prepare yourself for that possibility.  I am only telling you this to be honest with you so you can have a realistic idea of what to expect.  I am not trying to hurt you in saying this.  Remember, none of this is your fault.

In the meantime, you can work on you.  Take some time for some self repairs.  We all have things to work on, and if we want to be with a partner that has BPD then we have all the more work to do.  BPD relationships are hard, even under the best of circumstances.  If your ex returns and you want to continue a relationship with her, you will have to be her rock.  You will have to be an incredibly healthy and well adjusted person.  She is not a person who has a fully formed self, Bass.  She will require you to be her foundation and her soothing presence, because she can't do that for herself.  It will not be easy, but I truly understand if you love her and accept her completely as she is.  I feel similarly about my ex.  So, I understand.

Remember, this is not your fault.  Give her space, and spend this time working on YOU.  You deserve it!

Thanks for the kind words... .I don't know what I did to deserve such kindness... .

Last night I went on a walk alone in the cold, went up to the hill where we first kissed, cried, called her name... .got on my knees and prayed on the bench where we sat together and pleaded with all my heart for God to bring her back to me... .vowing that the next time I'll come back to this place will be with her... .

As I'm writing this there are tears running down my face... .I wanted to get upset, get angry again, but I learned how to suppress it... .not that it matters right now... .nothing does... .

I don't need external help... .I've been co-dependent my entire life... .my ex is right about one thing, I need to resolve my problems alone... .what good is it to depend on others if they'll just throw you down the second they feel like it?... .I know there are people out there who care for me and love me but it hurts too much... .I wish they all just wouldn't care anymore... .I don't want to hurt anyone ever again... .

[Riverrat]

WoW! Cosmo, you've summed up about 3 months worth of reading in one post.

I'm feeling the same as Bass right now, even with some limited contact, and you really reminded me of the core issues.

I'm going to print your post and keep it. Maybe the Mods can even post it some place permanently.

Hang in there Bass. We're not trying to be harsh, we've been down this road and it's long and lonely. Seek out help or crisis centers in your area. Call your T and get a referral if you need.

And keep posting, and reading for more understanding.

Rat

[cosmonaut]

Thanks for the kind words... .I don't know what I did to deserve such kindness... .

Last night I went on a walk alone in the cold, went up to the hill where we first kissed, cried, called her name... .got on my knees and prayed on the bench where we sat together and pleaded with all my heart for God to bring her back to me... .vowing that the next time I'll come back to this place will be with her... .

As I'm writing this there are tears running down my face... .I wanted to get upset, get angry again, but I learned how to suppress it... .not that it matters right now... .nothing does... .

I don't need external help... .I've been co-dependent my entire life... .my ex is right about one thing, I need to resolve my problems alone... .what good is it to depend on others if they'll just throw you down the second they feel like it?... .I know there are people out there who care for me and love me but it hurts too much... .I wish they all just wouldn't care anymore... .I don't want to hurt anyone ever again... .

I understand, Bass, and I'm sorry that you are in so much pain.  I know you want her back with all of your heart, and I know you would do anything you could to make that happen.  You're in crisis, Bass, and your pain is very, very real.  You have been wounded at a core level, and there has been trauma inflicted.  This is not a normal breakup - this is far more than that.  This is trauma.  This breakup has opened up some very old wounds for you, and that's really impressive that you have the self awareness to realize that.  You are in grief and it is a very special kind of grief - it is abandonment grief.  And abandonment grief has all sorts of additional complications involved, because there is this tremendous degree of rejection that is not a part of other types of grief.  That's why it is so important that you remember that this is not your fault, so that you don't internalize all of that rejection as guilt.  Because it is not your fault.  It is the disorder, and there is nothing you could have done to make it otherwise.  You may feel that you made some mistakes, and we ALL have made mistakes in relationships, but even if you had been perfect this still would have happened.  Only your ex has the key to ending this cycle and only she can take the necessary steps to recovery.  You can't do this for her, no matter how much you would sacrifice to do so.  Only she can.  The most that you could ever do is to support and encourage her in this process, but even that is not something that you can do currently since, as I explained above, you are a trigger for her right now.  And that is not your fault.  Not in any way.  It is the disorder.  It's what BPD does.

Don't think that you have to do this on your own.  You don't, and I don't recommend that you do either.  None of us is a self-contained unit, and we all need to have others there for us sometimes.  Right now you may need the support of someone, but in the future you can return the favor by supporting someone else.  It sounds like this is something that you excel at, and that's a wonderful quality.  You have shown such tremendous love to your ex, and you clearly have a lot of love to give others.  Be proud of that.  I would recommend seeing a therapist, and maybe even trying some medications that might help you through this time.  It's easy to underestimate where you are, because your wounds are not visible, but they are very real, Bass.  I can hear them in your words, and you are in real pain.  A therapist can help you to work through this and help you to process what has happened.  They can help you to finally resolve these very old wounds from your childhood, so that you can finally be free of them.  My T has been such a blessing for me during this time.  She has really helped me, and helped me to learn more about myself and to resolve some of the same sorts of issues that you are experiencing.  I would really encourage you to pursue that.  It is not codependency to need help.  We all need help sometimes, and someday you can return that favor to someone else who is in terrible pain.

[Bassoutcast]

Thanks for the kind words... .I don't know what I did to deserve such kindness... .

Last night I went on a walk alone in the cold, went up to the hill where we first kissed, cried, called her name... .got on my knees and prayed on the bench where we sat together and pleaded with all my heart for God to bring her back to me... .vowing that the next time I'll come back to this place will be with her... .

As I'm writing this there are tears running down my face... .I wanted to get upset, get angry again, but I learned how to suppress it... .not that it matters right now... .nothing does... .

I don't need external help... .I've been co-dependent my entire life... .my ex is right about one thing, I need to resolve my problems alone... .what good is it to depend on others if they'll just throw you down the second they feel like it?... .I know there are people out there who care for me and love me but it hurts too much... .I wish they all just wouldn't care anymore... .I don't want to hurt anyone ever again... .

I understand, Bass, and I'm sorry that you are in so much pain.  I know you want her back with all of your heart, and I know you would do anything you could to make that happen.  You're in crisis, Bass, and your pain is very, very real.  You have been wounded at a core level, and there has been trauma inflicted.  This is not a normal breakup - this is far more than that.  This is trauma.  This breakup has opened up some very old wounds for you, and that's really impressive that you have the self awareness to realize that.  You are in grief and it is a very special kind of grief - it is abandonment grief.  And abandonment grief has all sorts of additional complications involved, because there is this tremendous degree of rejection that is not a part of other types of grief.  That's why it is so important that you remember that this is not your fault, so that you don't internalize all of that rejection as guilt.  Because it is not your fault.  It is the disorder, and there is nothing you could have done to make it otherwise.  You may feel that you made some mistakes, and we ALL have made mistakes in relationships, but even if you had been perfect this still would have happened.  Only your ex has the key to ending this cycle and only she can take the necessary steps to recovery.  You can't do this for her, no matter how much you would sacrifice to do so.  Only she can.  The most that you could ever do is to support and encourage her in this process, but even that is not something that you can do currently since, as I explained above, you are a trigger for her right now.  And that is not your fault.  Not in any way.  It is the disorder.  It's what BPD does.

Don't think that you have to do this on your own.  You don't, and I don't recommend that you do either.  None of us is a self-contained unit, and we all need to have others there for us sometimes.  Right now you may need the support of someone, but in the future you can return the favor by supporting someone else.  It sounds like this is something that you excel at, and that's a wonderful quality.  You have shown such tremendous love to your ex, and you clearly have a lot of love to give others.  Be proud of that.  I would recommend seeing a therapist, and maybe even trying some medications that might help you through this time.  It's easy to underestimate where you are, because your wounds are not visible, but they are very real, Bass.  I can hear them in your words, and you are in real pain.  A therapist can help you to work through this and help you to process what has happened.  They can help you to finally resolve these very old wounds from your childhood, so that you can finally be free of them.  My T has been such a blessing for me during this time.  She has really helped me, and helped me to learn more about myself and to resolve some of the same sorts of issues that you are experiencing.  I would really encourage you to pursue that.  It is not codependency to need help.  We all need help sometimes, and someday you can return that favor to someone else who is in terrible pain.

Thank.you.so.much.

I'm really thankful for your words, you have an amazing way of explaining things in a calm, soothing way. I wish I could hug you or give you a box of chocolates or something.

I poured my heart out to my best friend/band-mate, he's the most indifferent person I know and I poured everything out, my fear of trusting people, what I've been through, tears came down like a waterfall... .I finished talking and asked him what he thinks... .he just got up without a word, hugged me and cried... .we both did... .It's amazing to have such good friends in your life... .

I'm finally at peace with this... .I uploaded a final post on Instagram, thanking her for everything, for the memories we shared, for who she is, and I said I'll never forget her and will always love her. Always. I have no idea if she'll ever see it, but it's out there for her. I have big plans ahead with my music, and it's about time I stopped pleasing everyone around me and following my parents' standards, and start living my own life, focusing on what makes ME happy for once, not them, and nothing makes me happier than sharing my music with the world.

Thanks again for all the help, I REALLY appreciate it! 

[cosmonaut]

No problem, Bass.  I'm glad it was able to help a little.  That's wonderful that you are starting to feel better after talking things over with your friend.  That's a true blessing to have such a great friend!  :)on't be shy about posting here either.  If you're ever feeling you need to talk, we're all here for you.  

Edit:  And focusing on you is AWESOME news!

[Bassoutcast]

No problem, Bass.  I'm glad it was able to help a little.  That's wonderful that you are starting to feel better after talking things over with your friend.  That's a true blessing to have such a great friend!  :)on't be shy about posting here either.  If you're ever feeling you need to talk, we're all here for you.  

Edit:  And focusing on you is AWESOME news!

Thanks, I really appreciate it I'll post here whenever I'm down or something's up... .can I PVT message you?

BTW, thought I'd share this, here's what I wrote in my Instagram post for my ex (with a picture saying Thank You with a heart):

"My love. Thank you for the time we spent together, thank you for the memories and wonderful things. Thank you for who you are. I will forever cherish our time together, and I will always keep you in my heart. I will always be there for you and I'll never forget you. I will always love you.

Always."

Think this seals the deal pretty nicely... .now it's all up to her. I'm thankful for what she did to me, even for this, for letting me become a better, stronger version of myself, and finally dealing with emotional scars that I've been suppressing for years... .They say "I love you not for who you are, but for what I am when I'm with you"... .guess that makes some sense here, she really is an amazing woman, and this break-up was my long-awaited "wake-up" call... .and it'll only become better from now on!

I thought of a beautiful tradition - on the 21st of every month, the day of our first date, first kiss, our anniversary , I'll go up to that hill where we became "us", and plant a Violet there... .her namesake and favorite color

Life goes on. thanks guys.

[Riverrat]

Bass,

Very nice! A very well thought message with no questions, pleading, or the other mistakes we all make from time to time.

I feel your pain tonight. After an impossible week, MY SO loaded up all her stuff and moved back to her place. So after all we've been through, I've been painted very black. It's just part of their disorder, but it hurts not knowing what her thoughts are.  Still, it is so much harder to deal with a BPD.

Nice sentiment! Very meaningful for you, and the world could always use more violets.

Keep in touch, Bass!

Rat

[Bassoutcast]

Got some contact from her, she was online, I went offline,  she changed her picture(selfie, black&white) and went offline, I changed my status to "What the heck __ (an emoji of our nickname)", went offline, she changed her status to "*glitter emoji* nope *glitter emoji*", went offline, I changed mine to "Instagram pic 4 u, look", went offline, she didn't log in since, I changed it back to whatever I had before... .dammit broke NC... .Riverrat, you told me not to respond but I DID IT ANYWAY... .twisted me 'round her finger... .I hate myself for falling into her trap again... .but at least I know something now, she's trying to get my attention... .well, if that's the case - NO MORE MR.NICE GUY (*cue Alice Cooper music*)... .

"Every girl likes to be chased around, even after ending a relationship. it's when the chasing stops they begin to wonder what the hell happened"... .Obviously she still cares enough about me to be playing these stupid mind-games with me, I'm not gonna play it anymore... .no more, she wants to talk with me? she'll do it like an adult, BPD or no BPD, I hate when people play around and don't get to the point.

I don't deserve this BS. Changed my settings so that only my contacts will be able to view my info, made my Instagram private. She wants to reach out? she has my number.

[JRT]

Sorry that happened and hope that you are ok. Sounds like she was playing a game with you just to be a jerk. I wonder if they even know how much pain they cause.

[Bassoutcast]

Sorry that happened and hope that you are ok. Sounds like she was playing a game with you just to be a jerk. I wonder if they even know how much pain they cause.

Yeah, I'm ok, thanks. It's so childish and stupid, what is she trying to accomplish with that behavior? IDK.

Anyway, I have a new thread open (since this one will be closed in a few messages) titled "Ex Girlfriend - Mind Games".

Way easier to go NC now that I KNOW she still thinks of me and is playing with me, maybe "punishing" me for the post I uploaded to Instagram a few days ago for her... .IDK, once she realizes I'm no longer a pawn in her little game, then it'll get interesting... .

[mitatsu]

Obviously she still cares enough about me to be playing these stupid mind-games with me, I'm not gonna play it anymore... .no more, she wants to talk with me? she'll do it like an adult, BPD or no BPD, I hate when people play around and don't get to the point.

Still cares enough about HERSELF/NEEDS to play those games... .

Want her to talk like a adult?... .Bpd = Child like responses to most convo's... .

She loves to play around to avoid getting to the point... .

Bassy dont get hooked my friend or Nemo will be shark food  

[OnceConfused]

bassoutcast:

she is your ex girl friend and she does not want to see you and she is supposed to have mental illness. But you , you continue to want to see her. HUM ?

Is it time for you to be with someone who wants to be with you, instead of trying to be with someone who DOES not want to be with you ?

I was once got my butts kicked , my heart broken from this girl in my 2nd year in college. My gut was wrenched, my mind was clouded, my heart ached. So I packed my bag and went on to europe for 1 month, living in tent , hanging out with people. THat experience changed my life, my friend. I then discovered who I was. WHen I came back , the girl became only a past memory.

Don't just sit there and moaning over someone who does not love you back or incapable for loving you back. Find new lead for your life and this experience will be great for your growth forever.

[Bassoutcast]

Obviously she still cares enough about me to be playing these stupid mind-games with me, I'm not gonna play it anymore... .no more, she wants to talk with me? she'll do it like an adult, BPD or no BPD, I hate when people play around and don't get to the point.

Still cares enough about HERSELF/NEEDS to play those games... .

Want her to talk like a adult?... .Bpd = Child like responses to most convo's... .

She loves to play around to avoid getting to the point... .

Bassy dont get hooked my friend or Nemo will be shark food  

I know, but still you can't help but wonder WHY she's doing this BS, breaking my heart AGAIN and AGAIN, but I still love her with the pieces.

My best bet is NC, you want me? come and get it. I know what I'm worth, she does to, think this is why she keeps me on the hook. Once she realizes I won't take her BS anymore, it's up to her. No one's been treating her like I was, EVER. Hell, I'm a CATCH, if she wants me - SHE'LL have to contact ME.

No more BS. I may love her unconditionally but I don't like being played with, BPD or not, I won't fall for her little games. I'm not mad at her, I don't blame her, but I need to stop chasing her, it's only hurting ME, and I can't make any progress while being in contact with her.

It'll take me a LONG time to think about another relationship, but what she did today sure as hell made my recovery period a whole lot shorter.

I believe everyone needs a second chance - if she'll come around, we'll start anew, with the skills I learned here, but if she'll dump me again - I'm done for good.

[drummerboy]

Other people don't break our hearts, only you can break your heart. We break our own heart by piling expectations on another person and when that other person doesn't behave like we want them to, (by ending a relationship) we blame them! You probably had a long future with this woman mapped out in your mind, its ok, we all do that.

In the absence of any real information we often make up storylines about why our ex did did this or that or didn't do this and what that means etc etc. We make up whole dramas in our mind that may not have a shred of reality to them.

Life is what it is. People are what they are. Our interpretations, our wishes about a situation really don't mean a thing. She doesn't want contact with you, that is your reality no matter how much you wish it were otherwise. I realise this sounds harsh but trying to force another person to see the world and you in the way you want them to see it never works.

[Heldfast]

Bass,

it took me five months, and my heart is still not quite clear, but my head knows and accepts what is best for me. My woman is bad for me, she hurt me, she continues to try to hurt me with her silent treatment and reaching out to my periphery through friends to show me how awesome she is and her life is without me. But I know, there is no present with this woman, there is no future with this woman, there is only a past. Let it be the past. We fixate on those glorious moments together where we thought we were someone's everything, and that they were ours. But we know that we were not there everything, we were only their something for the moment. We know that they were not our everything, that was their pretense. Trust me, you do not want a life of pretense, knowing the mask could come off at any moment. So if you don't want that, and they don't want you, then there is nothing left to cry over, you have to move on and see what other opportunities this life presents you. I promise you this, you will love again, you will find someone in this world who sees you as a partner with whom they want to go through this life. It may not be the easy, instant love bomb you had before, but you'll find them. You'll hold their hand, and want more, you'll kiss them, and want more, they'll talk to you and want to know more about you. They'll support you in your defeats, cheer you in your successes, hold you when you need to be held, smile with you when you need cheering or in those happy moments you spend together. That person is the one you need to find. The best way to find them is by leaving this behind, we must bury our dead, not leave them out for perpetual mourning. Then we build ourselves back, we review ourselves to see where we have shorted us by entering a toxic relationship, and in so doing, we are now a more attractive, stronger, more resilient, even if a touch more world weary, person, who will be recognized as such by whomever comes across us. That's the work you need to put in now, that's the love you need to send. Not out to this person who will devalue such, but to yourself, and in so doing, be better prepared to share that love, and yourself, with someone who deserves it, values it, and returns it. So that your happiness is inimical to their own, and theirs to yours. Good luck, and good riddance to this one. Don't wait for her to come around again, all these other doors are open to you.