BPD ex girflriend has cut me out of her life... now what?

[JRT]

Mine was a classic waif too, IMO they are MORE likely to involve the police as they hate confrontation. Hard as it is to hear, I'm guessing you are the last person she wants to hear from. It sucks big time but you have to protect yourself.

I couldn't agree more!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Bassoutcast]

Thanks for the warning guys.

I think I'm on the "safe side",mainly because she told me she used to have a staller in high school (who'd follow her around even though he lives halfway across town, and, to her claims, touch her friend inappropriately), and all she did was tell her teacher (who did nothing), her parents to this day have no clue, she didn't even tell them she was sexually assaulted as a kid once... .poor girl... .

Do hermits even initiate contact? I know my odds are slim to none but I want to know.

Also, I should note she usually "puts on a happy face" to hide her resentment. I remember she saw this girl on the bus and went as far as chatting with her and being friendly, then she told me that girl used to be her and her sister's "good friend" but then (of course) she started insulting her and her family and she cut her off... .always the victim, never to blame... .

Think I'll take my odds with the concert. It's a public place, not like I'm waiting on her doormat... .her reaction will tell me all I need... .

[JRT]

Thanks for the warning guys.

I think I'm on the "safe side",mainly because she told me she used to have a staller in high school (who'd follow her around even though he lives halfway across town, and, to her claims, touch her friend inappropriately), and all she did was tell her teacher

Sorry, don't mean to be a wanker here but, HELLO! She did EXACTLY like we are telling you: she went straight to the 'authorities'!

Brother, I WANT you to be successful in getting your wishes to come true. Because of the push/pull nature of BPD, you WILL be pushing her away even if you run into one another 'serendipitously'.

If you are serious about getting her back, go FULL NC with her... .respect her boundaries rather than violate them. You are a trigger to her... .slowly, this will go away. During that period, hopefully, she will have sought help with a therapist and she will contact you (most do). If you try to force it to happen, it is most likely to fail by the very nature of the disorder. Your ONLY plan is NC.

[Bassoutcast]

Thanks for the warning guys.

I think I'm on the "safe side",mainly because she told me she used to have a staller in high school (who'd follow her around even though he lives halfway across town, and, to her claims, touch her friend inappropriately), and all she did was tell her teacher

Sorry, don't mean to be a wanker here but, HELLO! She did EXACTLY like we are telling you: she went straight to the 'authorities'!

Brother, I WANT you to be successful in getting your wishes to come true. Because of the push/pull nature of BPD, you WILL be pushing her away even if you run into one another 'serendipitously'.

If you are serious about getting her back, go FULL NC with her... .respect her boundaries rather than violate them. You are a trigger to her... .slowly, this will go away. During that period, hopefully, she will have sought help with a therapist and she will contact you (most do). If you try to force it to happen, it is most likely to fail by the very nature of the disorder. Your ONLY plan is NC.

So basically what you're saying is that my best bet to win her back will be to do nothing about it and HOPE she will contact me? 2 and a half months is A LOT of time, I seriously doubt her going into therapy, she always had an excuse ("I can't afford it" "I don't need it, I'm doing better, can't you see?" "My family will think I'm weird" etc).

I know my ex well enough to know one thing - she's NEVER going to initiate contact with someone who's done something "wrong" or "bad" to her, EVER. I've seen how her family handles her - they let her cool off, and then reel her in, saying they don't blame her/aren't mad, and she'd come back until the next outburst (I wouldn't be surprised if her parents saw a therapist who told them how to handle her, considering both she and her sister have BPD). All she needs is a good, friendly conversation to keep things moving in the right direction. So long story short - NC is essential ATM, but when my moment comes I will initiate contact and see how it goes. I think if I won't initiate contact she'll think I don't really care, that I abandoned her, got sick of her (that's how her mindset works). She told me I'll "find someone else"? If I'll get a new girlfriend it'll devastate her... .she says one thing but means the other... .plus I told her I'll see her at the concert, gotta keep my word eh?

[JRT]

okay... .good luck

[Riverrat]

My thought on your last post is that 'YOU' won't know her feelings or mindset when you decide to contact her! So--what could happen here?

You could still be a trigger and push her further away

OR

She could be thinking about contact, but now still sees you as black

OR

She may want to initiate contact, but it needs to be on her terms, and she may be working out a way to do that in her mind.

Your sudden appearance in her life will cause a 'fight or flight' response, and she will push you away some more.

Yes, timing IS everything, and you can't judge her thoughts/feelings.

and remember, you can't sway her--feelings=facts!

It is so hard to remember that this is NOT a normal relationship, with SO's that see things so differently.

Just my thoughts--

[Bassoutcast]

My thought on your last post is that 'YOU' won't know her feelings or mindset when you decide to contact her! So--what could happen here?

You could still be a trigger and push her further away

OR

She could be thinking about contact, but now still sees you as black

OR

She may want to initiate contact, but it needs to be on her terms, and she may be working out a way to do that in her mind.

Your sudden appearance in her life will cause a 'fight or flight' response, and she will push you away some more.

Yes, timing IS everything, and you can't judge her thoughts/feelings.

and remember, you can't sway her--feelings=facts!

It is so hard to remember that this is NOT a normal relationship, with SO's that see things so differently.

Just my thoughts--

I know it's a risk, and guessing the outcome is pretty much like playing poker - you can never be 100% sure until your opponent reveals his cards... .but timing IS everything (it can go both ways - she can be ecstatic to see her favorite band, and won't mind me as much as she normally would, OR she can be ecstatic to see her favorite band and she'll think I'm trying to ruin this day for her by popping out in the middle of no-where), But I'm not even sure I'm gonna see her there (8000 people is a BIG crowd), so who knows, she might even call me during the concert if she'll feel lonely, IDK. I won't know for certain until that day comes, and who knows - maybe she'll initiate contact before the concert. It's really up to her, and I'm not going to sway her... ."may the odds be in my favor" I guess? 

[Elizabeth22]

You are dealing with someone who has been sexually assaulted as a child and stalked. You plan to violate her boundaries. I am sorry, but that is very selfish. Stop thinking about what you want, what she owes you, how you won't give up on your dreams and  every single thing to do with you. I am seriously starting to wonder if her NC with you is her BPD or she just does not want to be with you anymore. Surely people with BPD can also just decided that they don't want to be with someone anymore and its not just a function of the BPD. You are planning months out to December. You seem obsessive,  but you are blaming all of this on her. IIRC there was a huge problem over her having to work, and you didn't like it. That is just not healthy. I really think you need a lot of time to work on yourself to learn healthy boundaries and practice them. You also need to accept that this girl may not come back to you and what you are doing just may be scaring her or driving her away further. I don't mean to seem harsh, but everyone is telling you this and you keep rationalizing. You won't listen. You don't seem to want help, you just seem to want validation to violate boundaries. Please, please, please  get some help.  You are willing to risk potential legal action and arrest/police involvment (others here have talked about their experiences with that) and you just talk around it. I do believe these things need to be sorted out with a therapist. I do believe you need to work on you.

[Bassoutcast]

You are dealing with someone who has been sexually assaulted as a child and stalked. You plan to violate her boundaries. I am sorry, but that is very selfish. Stop thinking about what you want, what she owes you, how you won't give up on your dreams and  every single thing to do with you. I am seriously starting to wonder if her NC with you is her BPD or she just does not want to be with you anymore. Surely people with BPD can also just decided that they don't want to be with someone anymore and its not just a function of the BPD. You are planning months out to December. You seem obsessive,  but you are blaming all of this on her. IIRC there was a huge problem over her having to work, and you didn't like it. That is just not healthy. I really think you need a lot of time to work on yourself to learn healthy boundaries and practice them. You also need to accept that this girl may not come back to you and what you are doing just may be scaring her or driving her away further. I don't mean to seem harsh, but everyone is telling you this and you keep rationalizing. You won't listen. You don't seem to want help, you just seem to want validation to violate boundaries. Please, please, please  get some help.  You are willing to risk potential legal action and arrest/police involvment (others here have talked about their experiences with that) and you just talk around it. I do believe these things need to be sorted out with a therapist. I do believe you need to work on you.

I never said I'm blaming everything on her, I know very well my behavior also played a major role in this, and I'm already holding myself back by not texting or contacting her in any way, even though I want to. I'm working on myself daily.

I'm already scheduled for a therapist next week, I AM getting help. I KNOW that I'm just seeking validation, that it may sound like I'm selfish... .and sometimes I AM... .but I DO worry about HER, but she CHOSE not to have me in her life... .fine... .whatever... .I won't seek her out... .

Going out on a walk... .what's the point of anything anymore... .

[cosmonaut]

Hey Bass,

Man, I'm really sorry to hear about all that you've been through.  I get why you're so hurt and just want you to know that you are not alone.  I've been through this myself and I know it hurts like no other pain.  I can tell from your words how much you love this woman and how you would give anything to help her and to make your relationship work.  That's really noble of you, and I wish that the world were a more perfect place where BPD didn't exist and you two could be happy forever after.

The most important thing that I want you to really understand right now, and this is so important, is that this is not your fault.  It's not.  She didn't cut you out of her life because you aren't good enough or didn't do this or that.  It wasn't because you didn't love her enough or didn't treat her well enough.  It's none of those things.  What I have come to adamantly believe is that there is nothing I could have done to save my relationship with my ex.  I have spent the entire past year thinking and reflecting upon this, and reading everything I can find about BPD.  And that's what I've come to realize: it wasn't my fault and there's nothing I could have done that would have changed anything.  She was triggered, she was dysregulated, and she has absolutely no healthy coping skills at all to be able to handle her out of control emotions.  So, she ran.  It's what she does.  She's done it all of her life, and it has caused her so, so much pain.  But she doesn't know what else to do.  It's not her fault, she's just a very sick person.  This is also the case with your ex.  It's so important that you not allow yourself to internalize that you are responsible for the relationship failing, because that's when this can become tremendously damaging.  It is not your fault, Bass.  You did not cause this.  Truly.

That truth is that your ex ran BECAUSE you loved her.  It was because you treated her so well and you cared for her so much.  You showed her such patience and love.  You gave her all of the things she wants more than anything else in the world.  And that terrified her, because she is a disordered person and in her distorted world that meant that she was inevitably going to lose all of that love.  Deep inside she feels broken and defective and she is convinced that no one could ever really love her once they see that.  So, she is convinced that she will always be abandoned, and that is why she is hyperviligent for any sign of it - because she just knows it's coming.  BPD is a tragic disorder.  It causes those that suffer from it to discard and destroy the very thing that they want more than anything else in the world: unconditional love and acceptance.  But they can't see that, because they are convinced that they are unworthy of it, and they will never have it.  So, you see, by you being a loving and caring partner she became triggered.  The emotional intimacy that you brought into her life at first felt like the most incredible and amazing experience possible - it was all of her dreams come true.  And then, she started, bit by bit, to fear that she was losing it, until she was overwhelmed by that fear.  It was BECAUSE she felt so close to you and became so emotionally intimate with you that she became triggered.  She would have never become triggered otherwise.

Can you see that this is not your fault?  Truly it's not.  But it is also important to realize that you can't fix this either.  And I know that is a bitter pill to swallow.  I have had to swallow it too.  You are now a trigger for your ex (through absolutely no fault of yours), and the very thought of you provokes feeling of tremendous loss and shame and pain for her.  And she can't handle that.  She has no skills at being able to control her emotions and no ability to soothe herself.  So, she's doing the only thing she can: she's suppressing it.  She's running from it.  She's splitting you.  She's engaging all of these primitive and deeply unhealthy defense mechanisms, because she is trying to save herself from the agonizing pain of losing you.  It is not because she doesn't care about the end of your relationship.  It is because it is agony for her.

That best, most loving thing that you can do for your ex right now is to give her the space she needs to allow her emotions to calm.  She CAN'T do this with you in the picture.  I know that sucks so much, but it's true.  You have to give her space.  Is your relationship over for good?  I don't know.  There's certainly a chance that she may be able to quiet her emotions and suddenly want you back.  But it's also possible she won't, unfortunately.  There's just no way to know.  The odds do favor her contacting you again at some point, but it may not be anytime soon.  So, try and prepare yourself for that possibility.  I am only telling you this to be honest with you so you can have a realistic idea of what to expect.  I am not trying to hurt you in saying this.  Remember, none of this is your fault.

In the meantime, you can work on you.  Take some time for some self repairs.  We all have things to work on, and if we want to be with a partner that has BPD then we have all the more work to do.  BPD relationships are hard, even under the best of circumstances.  If your ex returns and you want to continue a relationship with her, you will have to be her rock.  You will have to be an incredibly healthy and well adjusted person.  She is not a person who has a fully formed self, Bass.  She will require you to be her foundation and her soothing presence, because she can't do that for herself.  It will not be easy, but I truly understand if you love her and accept her completely as she is.  I feel similarly about my ex.  So, I understand.

Remember, this is not your fault.  Give her space, and spend this time working on YOU.  You deserve it!

[Bassoutcast]

Hey Bass,

Man, I'm really sorry to hear about all that you've been through.  I get why you're so hurt and just want you to know that you are not alone.  I've been through this myself and I know it hurts like no other pain.  I can tell from your words how much you love this woman and how you would give anything to help her and to make your relationship work.  That's really noble of you, and I wish that the world were a more perfect place where BPD didn't exist and you two could be happy forever after.

The most important thing that I want you to really understand right now, and this is so important, is that this is not your fault.  It's not.  She didn't cut you out of her life because you aren't good enough or didn't do this or that.  It wasn't because you didn't love her enough or didn't treat her well enough.  It's none of those things.  What I have come to adamantly believe is that there is nothing I could have done to save my relationship with my ex.  I have spent the entire past year thinking and reflecting upon this, and reading everything I can find about BPD.  And that's what I've come to realize: it wasn't my fault and there's nothing I could have done that would have changed anything.  She was triggered, she was dysregulated, and she has absolutely no healthy coping skills at all to be able to handle her out of control emotions.  So, she ran.  It's what she does.  She's done it all of her life, and it has caused her so, so much pain.  But she doesn't know what else to do.  It's not her fault, she's just a very sick person.  This is also the case with your ex.  It's so important that you not allow yourself to internalize that you are responsible for the relationship failing, because that's when this can become tremendously damaging.  It is not your fault, Bass.  You did not cause this.  Truly.

That truth is that your ex ran BECAUSE you loved her.  It was because you treated her so well and you cared for her so much.  You showed her such patience and love.  You gave her all of the things she wants more than anything else in the world.  And that terrified her, because she is a disordered person and in her distorted world that meant that she was inevitably going to lose all of that love.  Deep inside she feels broken and defective and she is convinced that no one could ever really love her once they see that.  So, she is convinced that she will always be abandoned, and that is why she is hyperviligent for any sign of it - because she just knows it's coming.  BPD is a tragic disorder.  It causes those that suffer from it to discard and destroy the very thing that they want more than anything else in the world: unconditional love and acceptance.  But they can't see that, because they are convinced that they are unworthy of it, and they will never have it.  So, you see, by you being a loving and caring partner she became triggered.  The emotional intimacy that you brought into her life at first felt like the most incredible and amazing experience possible - it was all of her dreams come true.  And then, she started, bit by bit, to fear that she was losing it, until she was overwhelmed by that fear.  It was BECAUSE she felt so close to you and became so emotionally intimate with you that she became triggered.  She would have never become triggered otherwise.

Can you see that this is not your fault?  Truly it's not.  But it is also important to realize that you can't fix this either.  And I know that is a bitter pill to swallow.  I have had to swallow it too.  You are now a trigger for your ex (through absolutely no fault of yours), and the very thought of you provokes feeling of tremendous loss and shame and pain for her.  And she can't handle that.  She has no skills at being able to control her emotions and no ability to soothe herself.  So, she's doing the only thing she can: she's suppressing it.  She's running from it.  She's splitting you.  She's engaging all of these primitive and deeply unhealthy defense mechanisms, because she is trying to save herself from the agonizing pain of losing you.  It is not because she doesn't care about the end of your relationship.  It is because it is agony for her.

That best, most loving thing that you can do for your ex right now is to give her the space she needs to allow her emotions to calm.  She CAN'T do this with you in the picture.  I know that sucks so much, but it's true.  You have to give her space.  Is your relationship over for good?  I don't know.  There's certainly a chance that she may be able to quiet her emotions and suddenly want you back.  But it's also possible she won't, unfortunately.  There's just no way to know.  The odds do favor her contacting you again at some point, but it may not be anytime soon.  So, try and prepare yourself for that possibility.  I am only telling you this to be honest with you so you can have a realistic idea of what to expect.  I am not trying to hurt you in saying this.  Remember, none of this is your fault.

In the meantime, you can work on you.  Take some time for some self repairs.  We all have things to work on, and if we want to be with a partner that has BPD then we have all the more work to do.  BPD relationships are hard, even under the best of circumstances.  If your ex returns and you want to continue a relationship with her, you will have to be her rock.  You will have to be an incredibly healthy and well adjusted person.  She is not a person who has a fully formed self, Bass.  She will require you to be her foundation and her soothing presence, because she can't do that for herself.  It will not be easy, but I truly understand if you love her and accept her completely as she is.  I feel similarly about my ex.  So, I understand.

Remember, this is not your fault.  Give her space, and spend this time working on YOU.  You deserve it!

Thanks for the kind words... .I don't know what I did to deserve such kindness... .

Last night I went on a walk alone in the cold, went up to the hill where we first kissed, cried, called her name... .got on my knees and prayed on the bench where we sat together and pleaded with all my heart for God to bring her back to me... .vowing that the next time I'll come back to this place will be with her... .

As I'm writing this there are tears running down my face... .I wanted to get upset, get angry again, but I learned how to suppress it... .not that it matters right now... .nothing does... .

I don't need external help... .I've been co-dependent my entire life... .my ex is right about one thing, I need to resolve my problems alone... .what good is it to depend on others if they'll just throw you down the second they feel like it?... .I know there are people out there who care for me and love me but it hurts too much... .I wish they all just wouldn't care anymore... .I don't want to hurt anyone ever again... .

[Riverrat]

WoW! Cosmo, you've summed up about 3 months worth of reading in one post.

I'm feeling the same as Bass right now, even with some limited contact, and you really reminded me of the core issues.

I'm going to print your post and keep it. Maybe the Mods can even post it some place permanently.

Hang in there Bass. We're not trying to be harsh, we've been down this road and it's long and lonely. Seek out help or crisis centers in your area. Call your T and get a referral if you need.

And keep posting, and reading for more understanding.

Rat

[cosmonaut]

Thanks for the kind words... .I don't know what I did to deserve such kindness... .

Last night I went on a walk alone in the cold, went up to the hill where we first kissed, cried, called her name... .got on my knees and prayed on the bench where we sat together and pleaded with all my heart for God to bring her back to me... .vowing that the next time I'll come back to this place will be with her... .

As I'm writing this there are tears running down my face... .I wanted to get upset, get angry again, but I learned how to suppress it... .not that it matters right now... .nothing does... .

I don't need external help... .I've been co-dependent my entire life... .my ex is right about one thing, I need to resolve my problems alone... .what good is it to depend on others if they'll just throw you down the second they feel like it?... .I know there are people out there who care for me and love me but it hurts too much... .I wish they all just wouldn't care anymore... .I don't want to hurt anyone ever again... .

I understand, Bass, and I'm sorry that you are in so much pain.  I know you want her back with all of your heart, and I know you would do anything you could to make that happen.  You're in crisis, Bass, and your pain is very, very real.  You have been wounded at a core level, and there has been trauma inflicted.  This is not a normal breakup - this is far more than that.  This is trauma.  This breakup has opened up some very old wounds for you, and that's really impressive that you have the self awareness to realize that.  You are in grief and it is a very special kind of grief - it is abandonment grief.  And abandonment grief has all sorts of additional complications involved, because there is this tremendous degree of rejection that is not a part of other types of grief.  That's why it is so important that you remember that this is not your fault, so that you don't internalize all of that rejection as guilt.  Because it is not your fault.  It is the disorder, and there is nothing you could have done to make it otherwise.  You may feel that you made some mistakes, and we ALL have made mistakes in relationships, but even if you had been perfect this still would have happened.  Only your ex has the key to ending this cycle and only she can take the necessary steps to recovery.  You can't do this for her, no matter how much you would sacrifice to do so.  Only she can.  The most that you could ever do is to support and encourage her in this process, but even that is not something that you can do currently since, as I explained above, you are a trigger for her right now.  And that is not your fault.  Not in any way.  It is the disorder.  It's what BPD does.

Don't think that you have to do this on your own.  You don't, and I don't recommend that you do either.  None of us is a self-contained unit, and we all need to have others there for us sometimes.  Right now you may need the support of someone, but in the future you can return the favor by supporting someone else.  It sounds like this is something that you excel at, and that's a wonderful quality.  You have shown such tremendous love to your ex, and you clearly have a lot of love to give others.  Be proud of that.  I would recommend seeing a therapist, and maybe even trying some medications that might help you through this time.  It's easy to underestimate where you are, because your wounds are not visible, but they are very real, Bass.  I can hear them in your words, and you are in real pain.  A therapist can help you to work through this and help you to process what has happened.  They can help you to finally resolve these very old wounds from your childhood, so that you can finally be free of them.  My T has been such a blessing for me during this time.  She has really helped me, and helped me to learn more about myself and to resolve some of the same sorts of issues that you are experiencing.  I would really encourage you to pursue that.  It is not codependency to need help.  We all need help sometimes, and someday you can return that favor to someone else who is in terrible pain.

[Bassoutcast]

Thanks for the kind words... .I don't know what I did to deserve such kindness... .

Last night I went on a walk alone in the cold, went up to the hill where we first kissed, cried, called her name... .got on my knees and prayed on the bench where we sat together and pleaded with all my heart for God to bring her back to me... .vowing that the next time I'll come back to this place will be with her... .

As I'm writing this there are tears running down my face... .I wanted to get upset, get angry again, but I learned how to suppress it... .not that it matters right now... .nothing does... .

I don't need external help... .I've been co-dependent my entire life... .my ex is right about one thing, I need to resolve my problems alone... .what good is it to depend on others if they'll just throw you down the second they feel like it?... .I know there are people out there who care for me and love me but it hurts too much... .I wish they all just wouldn't care anymore... .I don't want to hurt anyone ever again... .

I understand, Bass, and I'm sorry that you are in so much pain.  I know you want her back with all of your heart, and I know you would do anything you could to make that happen.  You're in crisis, Bass, and your pain is very, very real.  You have been wounded at a core level, and there has been trauma inflicted.  This is not a normal breakup - this is far more than that.  This is trauma.  This breakup has opened up some very old wounds for you, and that's really impressive that you have the self awareness to realize that.  You are in grief and it is a very special kind of grief - it is abandonment grief.  And abandonment grief has all sorts of additional complications involved, because there is this tremendous degree of rejection that is not a part of other types of grief.  That's why it is so important that you remember that this is not your fault, so that you don't internalize all of that rejection as guilt.  Because it is not your fault.  It is the disorder, and there is nothing you could have done to make it otherwise.  You may feel that you made some mistakes, and we ALL have made mistakes in relationships, but even if you had been perfect this still would have happened.  Only your ex has the key to ending this cycle and only she can take the necessary steps to recovery.  You can't do this for her, no matter how much you would sacrifice to do so.  Only she can.  The most that you could ever do is to support and encourage her in this process, but even that is not something that you can do currently since, as I explained above, you are a trigger for her right now.  And that is not your fault.  Not in any way.  It is the disorder.  It's what BPD does.

Don't think that you have to do this on your own.  You don't, and I don't recommend that you do either.  None of us is a self-contained unit, and we all need to have others there for us sometimes.  Right now you may need the support of someone, but in the future you can return the favor by supporting someone else.  It sounds like this is something that you excel at, and that's a wonderful quality.  You have shown such tremendous love to your ex, and you clearly have a lot of love to give others.  Be proud of that.  I would recommend seeing a therapist, and maybe even trying some medications that might help you through this time.  It's easy to underestimate where you are, because your wounds are not visible, but they are very real, Bass.  I can hear them in your words, and you are in real pain.  A therapist can help you to work through this and help you to process what has happened.  They can help you to finally resolve these very old wounds from your childhood, so that you can finally be free of them.  My T has been such a blessing for me during this time.  She has really helped me, and helped me to learn more about myself and to resolve some of the same sorts of issues that you are experiencing.  I would really encourage you to pursue that.  It is not codependency to need help.  We all need help sometimes, and someday you can return that favor to someone else who is in terrible pain.

Thank.you.so.much.

I'm really thankful for your words, you have an amazing way of explaining things in a calm, soothing way. I wish I could hug you or give you a box of chocolates or something.

I poured my heart out to my best friend/band-mate, he's the most indifferent person I know and I poured everything out, my fear of trusting people, what I've been through, tears came down like a waterfall... .I finished talking and asked him what he thinks... .he just got up without a word, hugged me and cried... .we both did... .It's amazing to have such good friends in your life... .

I'm finally at peace with this... .I uploaded a final post on Instagram, thanking her for everything, for the memories we shared, for who she is, and I said I'll never forget her and will always love her. Always. I have no idea if she'll ever see it, but it's out there for her. I have big plans ahead with my music, and it's about time I stopped pleasing everyone around me and following my parents' standards, and start living my own life, focusing on what makes ME happy for once, not them, and nothing makes me happier than sharing my music with the world.

Thanks again for all the help, I REALLY appreciate it! 

[cosmonaut]

No problem, Bass.  I'm glad it was able to help a little.  That's wonderful that you are starting to feel better after talking things over with your friend.  That's a true blessing to have such a great friend!  :)on't be shy about posting here either.  If you're ever feeling you need to talk, we're all here for you.  

Edit:  And focusing on you is AWESOME news!

[Bassoutcast]

No problem, Bass.  I'm glad it was able to help a little.  That's wonderful that you are starting to feel better after talking things over with your friend.  That's a true blessing to have such a great friend!  :)on't be shy about posting here either.  If you're ever feeling you need to talk, we're all here for you.  

Edit:  And focusing on you is AWESOME news!

Thanks, I really appreciate it I'll post here whenever I'm down or something's up... .can I PVT message you?

BTW, thought I'd share this, here's what I wrote in my Instagram post for my ex (with a picture saying Thank You with a heart):

"My love. Thank you for the time we spent together, thank you for the memories and wonderful things. Thank you for who you are. I will forever cherish our time together, and I will always keep you in my heart. I will always be there for you and I'll never forget you. I will always love you.

Always."

Think this seals the deal pretty nicely... .now it's all up to her. I'm thankful for what she did to me, even for this, for letting me become a better, stronger version of myself, and finally dealing with emotional scars that I've been suppressing for years... .They say "I love you not for who you are, but for what I am when I'm with you"... .guess that makes some sense here, she really is an amazing woman, and this break-up was my long-awaited "wake-up" call... .and it'll only become better from now on!

I thought of a beautiful tradition - on the 21st of every month, the day of our first date, first kiss, our anniversary , I'll go up to that hill where we became "us", and plant a Violet there... .her namesake and favorite color

Life goes on. thanks guys.

[Riverrat]

Bass,

Very nice! A very well thought message with no questions, pleading, or the other mistakes we all make from time to time.

I feel your pain tonight. After an impossible week, MY SO loaded up all her stuff and moved back to her place. So after all we've been through, I've been painted very black. It's just part of their disorder, but it hurts not knowing what her thoughts are.  Still, it is so much harder to deal with a BPD.

Nice sentiment! Very meaningful for you, and the world could always use more violets.

Keep in touch, Bass!

Rat

[Bassoutcast]

Got some contact from her, she was online, I went offline,  she changed her picture(selfie, black&white) and went offline, I changed my status to "What the heck __ (an emoji of our nickname)", went offline, she changed her status to "*glitter emoji* nope *glitter emoji*", went offline, I changed mine to "Instagram pic 4 u, look", went offline, she didn't log in since, I changed it back to whatever I had before... .dammit broke NC... .Riverrat, you told me not to respond but I DID IT ANYWAY... .twisted me 'round her finger... .I hate myself for falling into her trap again... .but at least I know something now, she's trying to get my attention... .well, if that's the case - NO MORE MR.NICE GUY (*cue Alice Cooper music*)... .

"Every girl likes to be chased around, even after ending a relationship. it's when the chasing stops they begin to wonder what the hell happened"... .Obviously she still cares enough about me to be playing these stupid mind-games with me, I'm not gonna play it anymore... .no more, she wants to talk with me? she'll do it like an adult, BPD or no BPD, I hate when people play around and don't get to the point.

I don't deserve this BS. Changed my settings so that only my contacts will be able to view my info, made my Instagram private. She wants to reach out? she has my number.

[JRT]

Sorry that happened and hope that you are ok. Sounds like she was playing a game with you just to be a jerk. I wonder if they even know how much pain they cause.

[Bassoutcast]

Sorry that happened and hope that you are ok. Sounds like she was playing a game with you just to be a jerk. I wonder if they even know how much pain they cause.

Yeah, I'm ok, thanks. It's so childish and stupid, what is she trying to accomplish with that behavior? IDK.

Anyway, I have a new thread open (since this one will be closed in a few messages) titled "Ex Girlfriend - Mind Games".

Way easier to go NC now that I KNOW she still thinks of me and is playing with me, maybe "punishing" me for the post I uploaded to Instagram a few days ago for her... .IDK, once she realizes I'm no longer a pawn in her little game, then it'll get interesting... .

[mitatsu]

Obviously she still cares enough about me to be playing these stupid mind-games with me, I'm not gonna play it anymore... .no more, she wants to talk with me? she'll do it like an adult, BPD or no BPD, I hate when people play around and don't get to the point.

Still cares enough about HERSELF/NEEDS to play those games... .

Want her to talk like a adult?... .Bpd = Child like responses to most convo's... .

She loves to play around to avoid getting to the point... .

Bassy dont get hooked my friend or Nemo will be shark food  

[OnceConfused]

bassoutcast:

she is your ex girl friend and she does not want to see you and she is supposed to have mental illness. But you , you continue to want to see her. HUM ?

Is it time for you to be with someone who wants to be with you, instead of trying to be with someone who DOES not want to be with you ?

I was once got my butts kicked , my heart broken from this girl in my 2nd year in college. My gut was wrenched, my mind was clouded, my heart ached. So I packed my bag and went on to europe for 1 month, living in tent , hanging out with people. THat experience changed my life, my friend. I then discovered who I was. WHen I came back , the girl became only a past memory.

Don't just sit there and moaning over someone who does not love you back or incapable for loving you back. Find new lead for your life and this experience will be great for your growth forever.

[Bassoutcast]

Obviously she still cares enough about me to be playing these stupid mind-games with me, I'm not gonna play it anymore... .no more, she wants to talk with me? she'll do it like an adult, BPD or no BPD, I hate when people play around and don't get to the point.

Still cares enough about HERSELF/NEEDS to play those games... .

Want her to talk like a adult?... .Bpd = Child like responses to most convo's... .

She loves to play around to avoid getting to the point... .

Bassy dont get hooked my friend or Nemo will be shark food  

I know, but still you can't help but wonder WHY she's doing this BS, breaking my heart AGAIN and AGAIN, but I still love her with the pieces.

My best bet is NC, you want me? come and get it. I know what I'm worth, she does to, think this is why she keeps me on the hook. Once she realizes I won't take her BS anymore, it's up to her. No one's been treating her like I was, EVER. Hell, I'm a CATCH, if she wants me - SHE'LL have to contact ME.

No more BS. I may love her unconditionally but I don't like being played with, BPD or not, I won't fall for her little games. I'm not mad at her, I don't blame her, but I need to stop chasing her, it's only hurting ME, and I can't make any progress while being in contact with her.

It'll take me a LONG time to think about another relationship, but what she did today sure as hell made my recovery period a whole lot shorter.

I believe everyone needs a second chance - if she'll come around, we'll start anew, with the skills I learned here, but if she'll dump me again - I'm done for good.

[drummerboy]

Other people don't break our hearts, only you can break your heart. We break our own heart by piling expectations on another person and when that other person doesn't behave like we want them to, (by ending a relationship) we blame them! You probably had a long future with this woman mapped out in your mind, its ok, we all do that.

In the absence of any real information we often make up storylines about why our ex did did this or that or didn't do this and what that means etc etc. We make up whole dramas in our mind that may not have a shred of reality to them.

Life is what it is. People are what they are. Our interpretations, our wishes about a situation really don't mean a thing. She doesn't want contact with you, that is your reality no matter how much you wish it were otherwise. I realise this sounds harsh but trying to force another person to see the world and you in the way you want them to see it never works.

[Heldfast]

Bass,

it took me five months, and my heart is still not quite clear, but my head knows and accepts what is best for me. My woman is bad for me, she hurt me, she continues to try to hurt me with her silent treatment and reaching out to my periphery through friends to show me how awesome she is and her life is without me. But I know, there is no present with this woman, there is no future with this woman, there is only a past. Let it be the past. We fixate on those glorious moments together where we thought we were someone's everything, and that they were ours. But we know that we were not there everything, we were only their something for the moment. We know that they were not our everything, that was their pretense. Trust me, you do not want a life of pretense, knowing the mask could come off at any moment. So if you don't want that, and they don't want you, then there is nothing left to cry over, you have to move on and see what other opportunities this life presents you. I promise you this, you will love again, you will find someone in this world who sees you as a partner with whom they want to go through this life. It may not be the easy, instant love bomb you had before, but you'll find them. You'll hold their hand, and want more, you'll kiss them, and want more, they'll talk to you and want to know more about you. They'll support you in your defeats, cheer you in your successes, hold you when you need to be held, smile with you when you need cheering or in those happy moments you spend together. That person is the one you need to find. The best way to find them is by leaving this behind, we must bury our dead, not leave them out for perpetual mourning. Then we build ourselves back, we review ourselves to see where we have shorted us by entering a toxic relationship, and in so doing, we are now a more attractive, stronger, more resilient, even if a touch more world weary, person, who will be recognized as such by whomever comes across us. That's the work you need to put in now, that's the love you need to send. Not out to this person who will devalue such, but to yourself, and in so doing, be better prepared to share that love, and yourself, with someone who deserves it, values it, and returns it. So that your happiness is inimical to their own, and theirs to yours. Good luck, and good riddance to this one. Don't wait for her to come around again, all these other doors are open to you.