Kids' Affection With OM

[Turkish]

Not me   

I was at a party yesterday. The OM (aka her affair partner, now fiancee) picked up S5 to say goodbye, kissed him on the cheek, hugged him, and S5 did the same thing back.

I tried to spin it as nicely as possible after we got home.

"S5, do you feel ok kissing him? If you do, that's perfectly ok, I just would like to know if you're ok with it."

He put his head down and was evasive, with a weak "no, I'm not." I spun it as positively as I could again, then stopped talking about it. Better had I said nothing? Maybe, but I don't trust either him or his mother. We discussed kissing. I said that the only person it is acceptable to kiss on the lips is Mommy, and maybe grandma, no one else. He used to occasionally kiss me on the lips, but I stopped that, too. Then he said "OM kisses Mommy all over the place, and so do I!" I said, "that's ok, he's her boyfriend."

In other news, he still greets me as "Mr. [my last name]." 

[Eco]

You handled that a lot better then I would have and I applaud your patience in that situation. Im not saying I would have gone in a rage or anything but I probably would have spoke to ex about it, that would be trouble im sure. I just hate that they do this with the kids.

[Swiggle]

That must have been hard to hear him say that. Your son must be feeling as though he "has" to do those things with his mom's BF. Maybe this would be a good time to have a talk about relationships. My T helped me with this when my DD was a bit younger. If I remember correctly she talked that there are different levels of relationships. They are your circles and where different people fall within those circles. We discussed what is appropriate, normal and healthy behavior but I always stressed to DD that she doesn't have to do something that makes her uncomfortable, sad or uneasy.

Validating you S and see if you can get to the bottom of why he doesn't like to do it. Is it because OM's breath smells, is it because it makes DS uneasy, is it because he feels like it isn't loyal to you. If you can figure that out you can help him come up with strategies about how to handle those situations instead of just doing it. Help him problem solve how to meet his own needs instead of meeting that needs of the OM. I always come at it with DD from a "be respectful" when you say/do this. Do you think that would help?

[Turkish]

I put a call into the T for advice. Never having had a father, it's good to get an older make influence. My T picked up on that early. I'm trying to balance protecting the kids with what's best for then (not invalidating them by telling them how to feel). I get a hug, but kissing, even on the cheek?

The funny thing is that by a subtle comment one of her cousins made to me, everyone knows. Fir a woman who could get triggered by perceiving me chewing loudly, she's oblivious to the elephant in the room. The whole family gossips. I knew about the infidelities of other family members through her. They figured it out. What concerns me is when the kids figure it out. If they're attached, then it will be worse. The odd thing is that I only see this with our son. D2might be split black at some point. Her mom has even commented, "I know I'm going to have trouble with her later."  

[Turkish]

That must have been hard to hear him say that. Your son must be feeling as though he "has" to do those things with his mom's BF.

That's what I'm trying to determine. I may be the person who can't objectively ask this question, as he may want to "save" my feelings, even if I put it in the best tone with the most positive words I could have. I can't imagine him initiating kissing the OM. I kiss my son, but I rarely, if ever, ask him to kiss me, and he doesn't, though he likes to be hugged and held. Heck, I rarely ask my D2 for a kiss either. Now that you said that, I can see the dynamic of making S5 responsible for not only his mom's, but also her BF's feelings.

She fixed herself (at 31) to never have kids again. They met when he was 23. I sense something very weird that a guy would hook up with an older woman with two kids, someone with whom he knows he can never have his own children. If he were 10 years older, say, I wouldn't discount it as out of the ordinary.

A few months ago, she told me that after dinner, they all sat on the couch and S5 suddenly stood up and said, "I want Daddy!" (I'm surprised she told that to me, but I think she was also fishing for help... .with her affair partner? No way.). From that to kissing and hugging in such a short time? 

[mywifecrazy]

   all over the place 

I feel for you but you did the right thing. Your son needs you to be a ROCK of STABILITY!

I had an issue this week where uBPDxw's boyfriend was yelling at my S15. He even said something in a negative tone about S15 Father... .ME! S15 was afraid to tell me. S10 told me. I told old both my sons that nothing their Mom's boyfriend (My neighbor ) says about me will ever make me do anything out of anger. STICKS AND STONES! I told them he's not worth it for me to get angry even for a second. I think it calmed them to see Dad acting like a MAN. If he ever threatens them or gets physical then all bets are off  or 

The boyfriend is a TURD in my book. And my X has this loser around my kids and she wonders why they will NEVER like him. God her world is an unhealthy mess! I think the boyfriend yelling was just an indication of how unhealthy his R/s with my X is. He's probably feeling the heat of having to rescue her and how much she has isolated him.

Be strong Turkish!

MWC... .

[Turkish]

What the T said:

Basically, S5 is 5. This is harder on him than D2, who wasn't even 1 when their mom left. No matter how he came into the picture, the OM is going to be a step-dad, and our son needs consistency. There is nothing also wrong with him receiving or showing healthy affection from his new step-dad. I said that the kids would probably figure out how he came into the picture some day, but that it wouldn't come from me. He looked at me and said, "yes, they probably will, and a little bit of it might come from you, too." Touche. All in all, what's best for the kids.

The T, or course, validated as he always does, how I felt about the OM, and that sometimes things just weren't fair, especially with the OM stepping in after a lot of the hard work was done. I still seriously can't fathom what a then 23 year old guy would want with an older woman (by 8 years) who already had kids and can't have any more, but it is what it is.

To finish the day, when I got home I received an email from my Ex, stating that they were getting married, and that he was moving in within the month. I had previously said that she needed to give me 30 days' notice. Legally, she only needs to do that if she moves residences... .here I still feel like Daddy. BIFF response: "thanks for letting me know."

Now things will change again... .for everybody.

[Ripped Heart]

Turkish, you handled the situation like a pro, how are you feeling about it all?

From what you wrote, there are many factors at play here, some of them I believe are linked to the situation and possibly some with you too. Funnily enough, this was also something I was talking to my T about this week in order to understand why I take on a parenting role in relationships and the dynamic I have with my own children. My response to your situation would have been very similar too.

With my exN/BPDw she expected me to share a bed with her d6 which was something that made me feel extremely uncomfortable so I would sleep on the sofa. With my own d14 from non-BPD r/s I felt uncomfortable with the affection shown towards my exgf's boyfriend by d14 initially but that was partly a hang up of my own.

I put a call into the T for advice. Never having had a father, it's good to get an older make influence. My T picked up on that early. I'm trying to balance protecting the kids with what's best for then (not invalidating them by telling them how to feel). I get a hug, but kissing, even on the cheek?

This was the defining moment in my T appointment, because I didn't have a template to go off in being a father, what I've done is become the exact opposite of my own father. In that sense, I can be over protective of my children and over compensate in several areas too.

Your situation is slightly different and just to play devils advocate for the other non in the relationship. He is trying to build a bond with your children and if your previous history is anything to go by, you did a lot for your ex and your kids. If the same pattern is emerging in their r/s, he could be taking on a lot of responsibility too when you aren't involved so perhaps feels he is close to your children. I've been in 2 BPD relationships where the responsibility of their children has been passed to me and I've taken them on in the same way I would my own children. So that may not be him competing against you in that sense but rather the role he has been given within that relationship.

I also sense that some of your concern may be around the fact that you have knowledge that he doesn't quite understand yet. Perhaps there is a part of you that doesn't want your children to get too close to this guy because you might feel he is on a timer too and you don't want to see your children get hurt again. It's a very difficult position to be in if that is the case when you know something is coming and you are trying to protect those closest to you.

It's a lot to deal with and again, I think your approach to the situation was outstanding as always and yet again you continue to be the rock and the stability for your children and right now, that's all you can be right now