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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Im my own worst enemy  (Read 384 times)
Eco
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« on: April 07, 2015, 07:58:12 PM »

just wanted to update you guys on my current issue.

I say im my worst enemy because of my brain, its a blessing and a curse to me. I have been so worried that my ex is going to alienate my daughter from me that I have thought of every scenario possible and all the possible outcomes. its maddening and a was a waste of energy, its like calling the fire dept out to a house when someone is about to cookout. sure a fire might break out but until it does there's no point in calling the fire dept.

My more then likely confusing analogy is this,  All my worry and analyzing are premature and accomplish nothing but add stress to myself and probably my daughter.

I realized this today, To my shock my ex has been letting me get my daughter on days that she works which isn't part of the court order. I pick her up from the daycare until she gets off work.  Today when I got her she came running up to me and was very affectionate to me but when we got close to the car she got this frown on her face when she saw the car seat, that really confirmed that what happened over the weekend was mostly her not wanting to get in that car seat for that long drive plus she didn't want to leave her mom.

Me and my daughter had a great day and something unexpected happened when I gave her back to my ex, as my ex was walking away my daughter had her arms out towards me and was about to cry. that's the first time she has ever done that while my ex had her, she has cried when I left her at daycare but never with my ex.

I was torn at this because I hate to see my daughter get upset but I was relieved that she did this in front of my ex so that it shows her im more then just a babysitter to my daughter but her father that she loves. It also confirmed to me that my daughter is acting this way with both of us and not just my ex. It really threw me for a loop to see my daughter act like that but I think it happened seemingly overnight because she is getting older and her protests are getting bolder.

My little girl is torn apart by all this and I need to stop worrying about being alienated by my ex and focus more on ways to help her threw this.

thanks for listening
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whirlpoollife
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« Reply #1 on: April 07, 2015, 09:30:43 PM »

Thanks for posting the update and your perspective.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

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"Courage is when you know your're licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what." ~ Harper Lee
scraps66
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« Reply #2 on: April 08, 2015, 07:51:47 AM »

worry and it's evil cousin guilt.  or something to that effect have been described as useless emotions for the reasons you mention.  I have deal with this and it takes work on a continuous basis.  I spent lots of time analyzing and diagnosing my ex, still do, but in most cases that energy can be better used elsewhere.  The issue becomes when the BP through alienating interference prevents you from making progress with your children.  So it's a vicious circle of dependencies and influences.
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livednlearned
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« Reply #3 on: April 08, 2015, 08:51:28 AM »

eco, you are hitting some big healing milestones, this is really important stuff to recognize, and it's hard for a lot of people to get there. I admire you  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Don't Alienate the Kids by Bill Eddy is the book that helped me see what you're describing. I have to model the healthy coping behavior for my son because without that, he has no way to know what it looks like. Kids will feel tearful and sad, frustrated, disappointed, and all kinds of normal negative feelings, whether they have a disordered parent or not. We can't always get jacked up on dread, fear, and worry in response, because that doesn't offer them anything solid to hold onto. My ex is no longer in my son's life, and S13 still experiences challenging emotions that have to do about damage from his childhood, including my own inability to help him label his emotions, validate them, and model how to problem-solve.

Recognizing that what you do to deal with alienation is a big turning point in helping your D cope with it.
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Eco
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« Reply #4 on: April 09, 2015, 12:55:25 AM »

Excerpt
I spent lots of time analyzing and diagnosing my ex, still do, but in most cases that energy can be better used elsewhere.  The issue becomes when the BP through alienating interference prevents you from making progress with your children.  So it's a vicious circle of dependencies and influences

my problem is I feel that I have to be 10 steps ahead of my ex like a chess game.

Excerpt
eco, you are hitting some big healing milestones, this is really important stuff to recognize, and it's hard for a lot of people to get there. I admire you  Doing the right thing

thank you that means a lot to me. I think getting my thinking out of the weeds and back on the road should help the whole situation.

Excerpt
Don't Alienate the Kids by Bill Eddy is the book that helped me see what you're describing. I have to model the healthy coping behavior for my son because without that, he has no way to know what it looks like. Kids will feel tearful and sad, frustrated, disappointed, and all kinds of normal negative feelings, whether they have a disordered parent or not.

I really need to get that book.

My goal is to provide my daughter with damage control now and not damage prevention to my ex. I was putting 100% of my energy into trying to prevent my ex from acting the way she does which in itself is impossible, I can only control myself and manage my daughters feelings. that doesn't mean I wont continue to get my ex to see how her behavior affects our daughter but im not holding my breath for it to work.

Excerpt
We can't always get jacked up on dread, fear, and worry in response, because that doesn't offer them anything solid to hold onto.

I agree, you should have seen the state I was in after my daughters episode over the weekend. I was so devastated and negative, some things I was saying " well that's it my ex got what she wanted, my daughter doesn't want me anymore, I might as well give up now, this hurts to much"  but after a few minutes of thinking about my daughter my determination and strength came back and I started telling myself " we will get through this, giving up isn't a option, its not about me or my ex, put my feelings to the side, the pain is only temporary"

Ive noticed the more at ease and confident i am about the situation the happier my daughter is, so I see how being a solid base is important to her.

Excerpt
My ex is no longer in my son's life, and S13 still experiences challenging emotions that have to do about damage from his childhood, including my own inability to help him label his emotions, validate them, and model how to problem-solve.

Im sorry for your sons loss of a parent even though its best, my son who is 11 doesn't have his mother in his life (her choice) so i know first hand how it affects them. he has a void in him that i cant fill no matter how hard i try ,only his mom can do that. validation of his feelings goes along way and im trying to get better at it.

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whirlpoollife
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« Reply #5 on: April 09, 2015, 07:26:20 AM »

This thread is excellent for now , and past, and future. 

It's been three years of the divorce process, x2bh is relentless with PA.

S16, D14, what are the effects of PA and what is normal growing teenage moods?

Or no moods at all, and they just enjoy time to themselves, or actually time with me. I remember well, if h was around there was no time alone anywhere as he wanted  constant attention.

Do I blame myself for not doing more or is that just  fleas from xh to normally blame myself .

I can't be passive with the PA, but reacting to it doesn't work either. It makes the kids want to protect their victim dad even more. 

I feel like I am on guard all the time to have to counteract the PA so it doesn't become permanent. 
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"Courage is when you know your're licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what." ~ Harper Lee
livednlearned
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« Reply #6 on: April 09, 2015, 10:47:22 AM »

Excerpt
I spent lots of time analyzing and diagnosing my ex, still do, but in most cases that energy can be better used elsewhere.  The issue becomes when the BP through alienating interference prevents you from making progress with your children.  So it's a vicious circle of dependencies and influences

my problem is I feel that I have to be 10 steps ahead of my ex like a chess game.

I found this to be true for me too. And being 10 steps ahead paid off in important ways, especially in terms of the parental alienation. Reading helped me a lot. Sometimes we get really emotional and need to just be in the emotions -- anger, venting, frustration. You have to pick up a book and learn techniques designed to help us with exactly these issues. And then apply the skills. The profound part of all this is that while trying to eliminate PA, I actually healed some deep stuff of my own. I began to see how emotions work, and what healthy meant, so that I could help S13, and that ended up helping me  Smiling (click to insert in post)

You learn a language that your child wants to speak -- is probably desperate to speak. It's healthy and normal and human to want to connect emotionally with someone. What our BPD exes do is not healthy. To counter that, we have to offer an authentic alternative. That's when you start getting into the wise mind stuff, which can be life changing if you're ready for it.


Excerpt
My ex is no longer in my son's life, and S13 still experiences challenging emotions that have to do about damage from his childhood, including my own inability to help him label his emotions, validate them, and model how to problem-solve.

Im sorry for your sons loss of a parent even though its best, my son who is 11 doesn't have his mother in his life (her choice) so i know first hand how it affects them. he has a void in him that i cant fill no matter how hard i try ,only his mom can do that. validation of his feelings goes along way and im trying to get better at it.

Thanks eco, it made me feel emotional knowing that someone understands. I feel so helpless at times, especially because he has no male role model in his life, although he has developed some really wonderful relationships with teachers who care about him. S13's psychiatrist said that all the research shows a child just needs one loving, stable parent -- a witness to their experience. So that gives me hope.

What is your son's relationship with your D like?
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Eco
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« Reply #7 on: April 09, 2015, 05:49:37 PM »

Excerpt
S16, D14, what are the effects of PA and what is normal growing teenage moods?

Or no moods at all, and they just enjoy time to themselves, or actually time with me. I remember well, if h was around there was no time alone anywhere as he wanted  constant attention.

great questions!  its difficult raising kids on its own then throw in someone with a PD and the problems multiply. PA can be so subtle that I don't know half the time when its happening

Excerpt
I can't be passive with the PA, but reacting to it doesn't work either. It makes the kids want to protect their victim dad even more. 

I feel like I am on guard all the time to have to counteract the PA so it doesn't become permanent. 

That's what im learning too. 

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Eco
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« Reply #8 on: April 09, 2015, 06:36:49 PM »

Excerpt
The profound part of all this is that while trying to eliminate PA, I actually healed some deep stuff of my own. I began to see how emotions work, and what healthy meant, so that I could help S13, and that ended up helping me  smiley

I can see how this process is going to fix some of my own issues.

Excerpt
Thanks eco, it made me feel emotional knowing that someone understands. I feel so helpless at times, especially because he has no male role model in his life, although he has developed some really wonderful relationships with teachers who care about him. S13's psychiatrist said that all the research shows a child just needs one loving, stable parent -- a witness to their experience. So that gives me hope.

Its tuff to deal with , I still feel helpless as well but knowing that im trying to be that one stable parent takes some of that stress away.

Excerpt
What is your son's relationship with your D like?

my son is struggling with how he feels, He loves his sister and is very protective of her but there is 9 yrs age difference so he gets bored quick with her. He also struggles with jealousy because he has to share me with her and when we do have her she gets most of my attention because of her age. I explain to him the reasons why his sister gets more attention when she is with us and I try to include him in everything we do.

I think the main issue is my son sees how hard I try to be involved with his sister and all the obstacles I go through to do that. I know he wishes his mom would do the same for him but doesn't, that has to be confusing to him as to why he isn't worth her time. Because of this he struggles with self worth, even though he knows I love him and would do the same for him as I do my daughter it still must be devastating to him that his own mother doesn't make him a priority.

if anyone reading this is confused my son and daughter have different moms, my son lives with me full time while my daughter does not

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