So many mind games. So frustrating. I'm so incredibly upset.

[misuniadziubek]

uBPDbf and I were planning out me coming up to see him.

We decided I'd come at 2pm. I'm okay committing to that time.

Today he texts me asking to change it.

"Bf: Any chance you can come up earlier Friday?

Me: Sure. What time would you prefer me?

Bf: Like 11 maybe. Idk.

Me: Okay then. I'll come up for 11 then.

Bf: Why... .

Me: Why what?

Bf: The... .

Me: (jokingly)f**?

Bf: K

Me: You asked me if I could come up earlier. I considered it and decided it was doable for me to come earlier. What is the problem?

15 minutes with no answer.

Me: Well, I'm going to bed. Have a good night hon.

Bf: K

Me: It would be SOO nice if you could explain to me why you are irritated.

Bf: You know why but are acting like you're dumb.

Or you are just plain stupid.

Me: Okay then. Good night.

Bf: K

And then he blocked me off facebook.

I don't know what the hell is going on. I'm ridiculously upset, angry, you name it. Moments like these I just want to give up so badly. I don't know how much longer I can handle this sort of bull-it. It's painful and now I'm crying.

I don't know whether to text him or to just leave it be. I don't know why I let myself feel hurt over this. Things seem to be going well and then he just flips out over nothing.

I'm so tired of letting his illogical actions leave me this upset. I don't want to react so strongly or let it hurt this badly. Why does it feel so horrible?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[OffRoad]

I understand your frustration. It's like you are supposed to be a mind reader. I almost got the feeling he would have liked to to say "I can do 11. Is that early enough for you?" When he said "Like 11 maybe. idk." that gave me the impression that he wanted something other than 11. The fact that 11 is THREE hours earlier than you originally planned on would make me think he wanted earlier than 11, but didn't want to ask for it. But there I am, attempting mind reading, too. It's no way to live.

It's perfectly normal to be upset when someone treats you unfairly. It feels horrible because YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG and you are being punished for it. You react so strongly because you have no idea what is going on, and yet he (falsely) accuses you of knowing exactly what you did. And it hurts that badly because you had only good intentions, and he can't see them at all.  And to top it all off, he won't even tell you what he is upset about. This is where detaching is helpful. (Easier said than done).

As a thought, if you wanted to you could have texted back "Let's go with I'm stupid. I am so tired, I'm not sure what the problem is." That is assuming you think he could actually tell you.

But I, personally, would just leave it for today. It's too late to get into a texting argument.

[misuniadziubek]

I understand your frustration. It's like you are supposed to be a mind reader. I almost got the feeling he would have liked to to say "I can do 11. Is that early enough for you?" When he said "Like 11 maybe. idk." that gave me the impression that he wanted something other than 11. The fact that 11 is THREE hours earlier than you originally planned on would make me think he wanted earlier than 11, but didn't want to ask for it. But there I am, attempting mind reading, too. It's no way to live.

It's perfectly normal to be upset when someone treats you unfairly. It feels horrible because YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG and you are being punished for it. You react so strongly because you have no idea what is going on, and yet he (falsely) accuses you of knowing exactly what you did. And it hurts that badly because you had only good intentions, and he can't see them at all.  And to top it all off, he won't even tell you what he is upset about. This is where detaching is helpful. (Easier said than done).

As a thought, if you wanted to you could have texted back "Let's go with I'm stupid. I am so tired, I'm not sure what the problem is." That is assuming you think he could actually tell you.

But I, personally, would just leave it for today. It's too late to get into a texting argument.

Thank you. This is incredibly validating and makes me feel soo much better

He likes to use Facebook as a punishing tool I've noticed in the last six months.

-changed our relationship to complicated, changed it back after a month- because I wasn't coming up every weekend.

-put me on restricted so that I couldn't see any of his posts- because he felt like I was facebook stalking him if I commented on something of his

-deleted me off facebook - because he didn't like who I was friends with, because I was talking to someone who knew exactly what he was like and he felt they were 'brainwashing' me.

- blocked me off facebook - I'm at a loss.

I'll let it go. Give him time to let off some steam. Focus on my own stuff for a couple days. He'll probably message me by tomorrow. It does not matter.

He just readded me 2 weeks ago, so I think maybe I'm just not going to re-add him any more. I'm so tired of the facebook games.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi misuniadziubek, 

I am sorry you are going through this.     I completely understand how coping with illogical actions can be very upsetting. 

I'm so tired of letting his illogical actions leave me this upset. I don't want to react so strongly or let it hurt this badly. Why does it feel so horrible?

I have felt exactly the same way. Although I knew that I could not cause my bf's behaviors or actions, I still took responsibility for my bf's behaviors. I ended up being in a vicious cycle of constant self-blame, sadness, and anger.  The majority of my reactions were a result of my codependent issues.  I kept looking at my bf's behavior from a logical viewpoint when his behavior is actually completely illogical. Sometimes it is hard to make sense of the illogical. Something inside of me kept thinking that I can fix the behavior.  It has taken me awhile, but I have slowly learned to radically accept my bf's behavior. My feelings of being hurt have slowly dissipated. 

As you said, letting it go may be the best option. As you know, pwBPD's feelings equal facts and their feelings can change on a whim. 

The Facebook situation seems complicated.  Have you tried setting a boundary with Facebook?

[Notwendy]

I understand how frustrating this is. One way to look at it is that it is not your drama, and there are hooks to get you into this thinking pattern. He asked you a question, you responded appropriately, and then, the drama part started.

I have noticed this pattern with my mother, and also my H if he is somehow upset. One way to deal with this is to check with your own feelings. If I feel that I am being upset- and drawn into the upset, I see it as a "hook". However it takes two to get into it, and with practice, you don't have to "bite" it.

This isn't easy. It can be a long standing pattern that isn't easily changed. The clue is your feelings- when you start feeling upset, this is your boundary.

So, examine the conversation:


"Bf: Any chance you can come up earlier Friday?

Me: Sure. What time would you prefer me?

Bf: Like 11 maybe. Idk.

Me: Okay then. I'll come up for 11 then.


This part is  reasonable. He asked you to come early, you asked him what time, he said 11, and you agreed.

Now, the hook (drama). The expected response when you agreed to his request would be " great, see you then" and now this:



Bf: Why... .

Me: Why what?

Bf: The... .

Me: (jokingly)f**?

Bf: K

You ask for clarification, and get no response:

Me: You asked me if I could come up earlier. I considered it and decided it was doable for me to come earlier. What is the problem?

15 minutes with no answer.

Me: Well, I'm going to bed. Have a good night hon.

Bf: K

Me: It would be SOO nice if you could explain to me why you are irritated.

Here, he responds with an insult. It is expected that you would read his mind, but that's not possible for anyone:


Bf: You know why but are acting like you're dumb.

Or you are just plain stupid.

You disengaged from the conversation. This is an appropriate boundary.

Me: Okay then. Good night.

Bf: K



With practice it could go like this:


"Bf: Any chance you can come up earlier Friday?

Me: Sure. What time would you prefer me?

Bf: Like 11 maybe. Idk.

Me: Okay then. I'll come up for 11 then.

Bf: Why... .

Me: Why what?

Bf: The... .

Me: You asked me if I could come up earlier. I considered it and decided it was doable for me to come earlier. What is the problem?

15 minutes with no answer.

Me: Well, I'm going to bed. Have a good night hon.

Bf: K

(Keep that boundary- do not come back with another question)


Don't be hard on yourself. This takes practive, but keeping the boudary to pay attention to your feelings and not continue converstations that feel upsetting can help.

[waverider]

With arrangements, dont be pending on him making a decision.

Have an action as a default. You will do this action unless he makes a specific commitment otherwise. That way you don't get stuck in the "should I, or shouldn't I" zone.

Whatever is bugging him will have nothing to do with this. Accept that and dont try working it out. If he doesn't straight out tell you, then your default is ignorance and dont stress about the maybes.

As far as you are concerned you are going at 11 and if he has a bee in his bonnet that's his problem until you are clearly notified otherwise. Dont try to draw it out of him.

[misuniadziubek]

Wow. So many wonderful and supportive responses to wake up to.

I have felt exactly the same way. Although I knew that I could not cause my bf's behaviors or actions, I still took responsibility for my bf's behaviors. I ended up being in a vicious cycle of constant self-blame, sadness, and anger.  The majority of my reactions were a result of my codependent issues.  I kept looking at my bf's behavior from a logical viewpoint when his behavior is actually completely illogical. Sometimes it is hard to make sense of the illogical. Something inside of me kept thinking that I can fix the behavior.  It has taken me awhile, but I have slowly learned to radically accept my bf's behavior. My feelings of being hurt have slowly dissipated. 

As you said, letting it go may be the best option. As you know, pwBPD's feelings equal facts and their feelings can change on a whim. 

Taking the time to realise that I'm not responsible, that these are -his- emotions and therefore -his- to deal with is a hard habit to break. Was reading 'stop caretaking' last night about denial and bargaining as stages of the dysfunctional relationship. I revert to that incredibly often, where I pretend the chaos is normal or deny it happening or better yet convince myself that if I act appropriately eventually I can fix what is wrong. I can't. It's not mine to change. The only thing I can do is accept it and deal appropriately.

This probably will be the last straw in terms of Facebook. I'm not going to add him back. I'm pretty sure it's his way of detaching, showing me how little he cares.  He set a limit like that with Skype months back because he didn't like me talking so loud about subjects he didn't want his roommate to hear.

I understand how frustrating this is. One way to look at it is that it is not your drama, and there are hooks to get you into this thinking pattern. He asked you a question, you responded appropriately, and then, the drama part started.

One way to deal with this is to check with your own feelings. If I feel that I am being upset- and drawn into the upset, I see it as a "hook". However it takes two to get into it, and with practice, you don't have to "bite" it.

This isn't easy. It can be a long standing pattern that isn't easily changed. The clue is your feelings- when you start feeling upset, this is your boundary.

This sounds like a pretty good rule of thumb. I think that had I left it at that last night, disengaged completely when he stopped responding coherently, any chances of drama escalating would dissolve. It still bothers me, , that I don't know what triggered him like that. Maybe the fact that I joked in between him writing what the... .silly as it sounds. It doesn't matter, obviously. Not my circus, not my monkeys but I foresee a random explosion from him by text or phone telling me how 'terribly' I acted.

With arrangements, dont be pending on him making a decision.

Have an action as a default. You will do this action unless he makes a specific commitment otherwise. That way you don't get stuck in the "should I, or shouldn't I" zone.

As far as you are concerned you are going at 11 and if he has a bee in his bonnet that's his problem until you are clearly notified otherwise. Dont try to draw it out of him.

This is actually something that I have started doing recently. Whatever time we decided on before is the time set in stone unless requested otherwise. It gives both of us a sense of consistency.

Setting time limits with him is difficult. He avoids telling me details on plans but then gets angry at me if they don't work out. Last Halloween I was supposed to come up. I told him at about 4 that I'd be there by 7. He got angry at me because he had plans to be in the next town with his friends at 5 and he was leaving at 4:30 if I'm there or not. He hadn't mentioned any details about plans or time limits beforehand, yet implied that this was why I couldn't ever be depended on. I got there by 6:30, ended up driving to his friends place and hanging out with a very large group of people. He ignored my presence the whole time. Later that night before bed he told me that he been genuinely enjoying himself until I showed up. That I pretty much ruined his night by being there. That left me incredibly upset, just like I was last night, but the next morning he was back to a ray of sunshine, affectionate and happy.

[misuniadziubek]

Strangely enough, he called me up today and he seemed really chip and happy. He admitted that he's not doing so well lately. I asked him why, he couldn't explain it.

So yeah, none of last night had anything to do with me. I might avoid the subject of why he wanted me to come up earlier on Friday.

Something changed in me today. I can no longer call my relationship functional or fulfilling. None of it is normal, even if it's become normal for me. He has a mental illness. I can no longer pretend that's not true. I think I'm letting go of my denial. Convincing myself things are any other way causes my body to go weak, because I know consciously that it's not true.

[OffRoad]

Setting time limits with him is difficult. He avoids telling me details on plans but then gets angry at me if they don't work out. Last Halloween I was supposed to come up. I told him at about 4 that I'd be there by 7. He got angry at me because he had plans to be in the next town with his friends at 5 and he was leaving at 4:30 if I'm there or not. He hadn't mentioned any details about plans or time limits beforehand, yet implied that this was why I couldn't ever be depended on. I got there by 6:30, ended up driving to his friends place and hanging out with a very large group of people. He ignored my presence the whole time. Later that night before bed he told me that he been genuinely enjoying himself until I showed up. That I pretty much ruined his night by being there. That left me incredibly upset, just like I was last night, but the next morning he was back to a ray of sunshine, affectionate and happy.

BBM: My H used to do this kind of thing when we were dating. Or he would "forget" to tell me about a gathering altogether. The funny thing was that we both had the same friends, so we often ended up at the same party separately. Then he would alternately be overly "happy" and on (because he felt stupid that we didn't arrive together) or become angry with me (because he actually wanted to go to a party without me-which would have been fine except WE HAVE THE SAME FRIENDS-hello?)

For the most part, though, I think in my H's case, he has these conversations in his head, and he thinks he has said what he thought to me, and he didn't.

[misuniadziubek]

So in a conversation that escalated a bit, I finally figured out what was wrong. O.O

Apparently when I texted him I'd written

Okay then I'll come at 11... .

I added ellipses at the end of the sentence and he was asking ... .

Why "... ."

but he was driving. So he gets angry that I expected him to add quotation marks. But he was texting while driving so he couldn't.

And I wasn't smart enough to figure out what he meant... .

I add ellipses randomly. Not as a sign of reluctance. But he sees it as exclusively expressing reluctance. Because that's what he does. And there is zero chance than anyone else would use it otherwise.

And then he blocked me off Facebook. Because I was nagging him.

So new rule for myself. I ask him at MOST 2x whats wrong. Then I leave him TF alone. I really don't need the drama. It's hard, though. . I still think logically. I forget he splits and thinks in absolutes.


So now I have to be careful where I put ellipses... .O>O

[Jessica84]

WOW. I've gotten into trouble over an exclamation point before.   The anxiety I used to get in replying to texts was ridiculous. If I don't respond quick enough, if he'll think I'm mad because I replied with a short answer, if autocorrect mistypes the wrong word... .ack! We finally had a "talk" about how text is one of the poorest forms of communication, too tone-deaf and not meant for serious discussions.

"On my way"... ."picking up dinner"... ."stuck in traffic"... .are acceptable texts.

"Are you mad at me?"... ."What's wrong?"... .are unacceptable texts.

When you're both in a good place I'd consider having the "talk" with him re text messages. Your "... ." does explain his reaction now, but that is a lot of drama over punctuation!

[Sunfl0wer]

Ummm... .not that you do want to read his mind, or should, however, I am curious... .

When I read that...

I took it as he was really wanting YOU to ask "why?" 

As in: Don't you at least want to ask me why? Because I'm dying to tell you, so please ask.  I want you to show more interest.  You showing interest in me is more important right now than me wanting you to be flexible.  And actually, you being flexible just made me feel dismissed and not noticed, as your focus was on you being flexible, instead of it triggering you to find out more about me.

Just wondering!

Ok... .or just call me nuts! 

(I can't sleep... maybe a bit delirious tonight)

[OffRoad]

So in a conversation that escalated a bit, I finally figured out what was wrong. O.O

Apparently when I texted him I'd written

Okay then I'll come at 11... .

I added ellipses at the end of the sentence and he was asking ... .

Why "... ."

but he was driving. So he gets angry that I expected him to add quotation marks. But he was texting while driving so he couldn't.

And I wasn't smart enough to figure out what he meant... .

I laughed so hard at this I nearly cried, but I'm sure it wasn't funny to you. It makes total sense now, but I'd never have figured it out either. To me, your putting the ellipses at the end meant that you were open for a request for a different time, as in "I'll come at this time, unless you have another time you'd like." Ellipses as reluctance? That's a new one on me. I always used them to indicate there was more I was thinking but left it out.

At least you know what it was.

[Sunfl0wer]

Oh man, lesson learned. I cannot read minds, yet alone, read a thread!

[Fraggle12]

This is so common in articles I've read. Messaging, whether texts, FB or other methods of communication are useful in 'normal' life but still carry the risk of sending mixed/confused/misunderstood messages. When you're dealing with someone with BPD (or other illness) the messages get ooh so much more confused. Because you're expected to know what they're thinking, YOU have to get it right ! However, your messages will be analysed in depth and if anything can be misconstrued/misunderstood/taken out of context/blown out of proportion etc it will be.

I no longer message my OH. If we can't speak on the phone or face to face, that communication has to wait!

[misuniadziubek]

Ummm... .not that you do want to read his mind, or should, however, I am curious... .

When I read that...

I took it as he was really wanting YOU to ask "why?" 

As in: Don't you at least want to ask me why? Because I'm dying to tell you, so please ask.  I want you to show more interest.  You showing interest in me is more important right now than me wanting you to be flexible.  And actually, you being flexible just made me feel dismissed and not noticed, as your focus was on you being flexible, instead of it triggering you to find out more about me.

Before I straight up asked what was up with that 3 days later, that's EXACTLY what I thought. That he was surprised that I accommodated him so quickly without asking what is going on that he needs me to come earlier. Why am I so flexible all of a sudden and why am I not asking more questions. Why do I not care enough to ask... ..

Turns out his car's timing belt broke and he really needed me to get the parts for him.

When he finally told me three days later, it got him really upset to even talk about it. Like I was being malevolent and pretending like I didn't know the most obvious thing in the world to make him angry.

I laughed so hard at this I nearly cried, but I'm sure it wasn't funny to you. It makes total sense now, but I'd never have figured it out either. To me, your putting the ellipses at the end meant that you were open for a request for a different time, as in "I'll come at this time, unless you have another time you'd like." Ellipses as reluctance? That's a new one on me. I always used them to indicate there was more I was thinking but left it out.

At least you know what it was.

Once I found out while talking to him I also laughed so hard I nearly cried. I think that is exactly what I used it for too. To show that I was open for a request. As if the conversation isn't closed to more options.

To him it was: Okay I guess 11 works... .(if you really really want me to come that early and mess up my day like that,  even though I don't really want to come that early because I don't actually look forward to seeing you at all despite my constant enthusiasm and expressions of missing you and looking forward your company, I only say those things sarcastically or to manipulate you.)

[OffRoad]

To him it was: Okay I guess 11 works... .(if you really really want me to come that early and mess up my day like that,  even though I don't really want to come that early because I don't actually look forward to seeing you at all despite my constant enthusiasm and expressions of missing you and looking forward your company, I only say those things sarcastically or to manipulate you.)

Laughing at this, too.  That would never occur to me from ellipses.  Sometimes I forget how horrible it must be to live in a mind that usually thinks bad things first instead of good things first.  Virtual hugs