What emotion is at play here?

[OffRoad]

Current situation: S16 and I have gone on a trip together. (S and H went on one last summer alone-I was not invited) This trip was paid for with all the partial gas and Costco gift cards we had sitting around, hotel points I have saved up and rolled coins-I’m a whiz with money. H is at home alone, but I asked him if he wanted to go on the trip (the answer was "No." and I made sure we called, but did not get too overboard with what a great time we are having.

Background: S16 needed a new laptop. We could not afford to give him one, what with D18 in college and the cut in pay H took at the beginning of the year. I was talking about S's computer not being powerful enough for S to play video games to my mother, and she said she would buy S one for his birthday, since I had helped her so much this past year (Broken arm and surgery, diabetic dog needing insulin and eye drops, hip surgery, etc). I specifically asked H if he would mind if my mother bought the computer for S. He said “Yeah, sure. After every thing you’ve done for her, a computer for S isn’t too much.”  First I asked H for some input, but he didn’t have any (as per the norm). I researched, then picked one out last week, and gave it to S early before the trip. He brought it with him and is setting it up as we travel.

Back to current: S calls his dad to tell him about the trip. H starts in about how angry he is that S got a new computer, that HIS parents wanted to buy one for S for his birthday, blah, blah, blah, how H had NO IDEA my mother was going to buy a computer for S. Poor S is stuck in the middle of this crap. I told S it had nothing to do with him.

What emotion is at play here? Or are there several? Possibilities I see are: abandonment; frustration that he cannot afford the new computer; his standard feeling like he wasn't involved even though he opted out of being involved.  I know I'm heading into a minefield tomorrow when we get home. I'd like to traverse it as best as possible, but I'm at a loss since I asked him, he said it was OK, I tried to bring him into the selection process and he refused, and I had no idea H's parents had any thoughts of getting S a new computer.

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[formflier]

 

My gut says to let him bring this up... .if he is going to. 

In other words... .don't chase trouble.

I am a fan of "Help me understand... .xyz"  as a way to soften a conversation.  Instead saying "why"

Also... .be prepared with SET statements... .where the Truth part is that you asked... or he had a chance.

Thoughts?

[waverider]

Lack of control in hindsight, control of arranging a computer was relinquished to your mother. Which he takes as a subtle criticism of his inability to provide. Which is close to the mark as he wasn't, and why he handed control over. Guilt over this is causing him to project blame and rewrite reality.

Thats my guess.

I often get "I was just going to do that" in an offended way, even though that was never going to happen.

I would go with formfliers suggestion of trying to distract away from the subject, and certainly not JADEing if it comes up. This is his problem he could look for ways to blame you for making it a problem.

[misuniadziubek]

I often get "I was just going to do that" in an offended way, even though that was never going to happen.

This is guilt, more than anything, and a loss of control.

"I wish that I had thought of/had the resources and time to do what you just made happen because I feel like it should be my responsibility" and therefore "Had you given me a chance/waited long enough/not rushed the situation, I could have had the opportunity to fulfill my idea of what my role is."

Therefore, you are to blame for my guilt. and feeling like I am inferior to you for not being as resourceful.

[OffRoad]

Man, I hate it when my only safe option is to duck and cover... .

Now I just have to figure out how to stay calm and figure out what to say if he brings it up. I actually worry that he won't bring it up, because then he will stew on it and blow up over something unrelated that will seemingly come out of nowhere.

[Oooohm]

I actually worry that he won't bring it up, because then he will stew on it and blow up over something unrelated that will seemingly come out of nowhere.

Oh yeah !  Been there... .

[OffRoad]

This one turned out AMAZING!

H comes home, and is HAPPY to see us. We have a nice evening. S goes off to play video games with his friends online, and H and I are going to watch some TV. I tell H thank you for letting S and I go on the trip. H hesitates, then says never mind. I ask what. He says "I'd like it if you hadn't made the plans for the trip before you talked to me." HOLY MINESTRONE, Batman! He actually specified what was bothering him. I told him we hadn't made the plans before I asked him if he wanted to go. I said that S just wanted to go to a specific place. We hadn't decided on where else to go, just when would be the best time for S. In truth, H didn't realize that the time we were going was over Easter weekend. I used to leave a jelly bean trail down the hall and hide eggs for the kids and since D18 has gone to college, S didn't want to do that alone. H said he was under the impression that we had already made plans. I told him I was very sorry he thought that, we wanted to make sure if he wanted to go or not before we actually planned anything. H seemed OK, then came the computer issue.

As it turned out, H's parents told H they wanted to buy S a computer, but H didn't tell me. He used the excuse that there was so much going on (there wasn't, except in his mind), he didn't get around to telling me. But he was not angry or accusing, just looking left out.  I told him I was sorry I didn't realize I might have jumped the gun (I knew I didn't, but he was admitting errors, so I'm giving him a soft spot to fall on). H was, in fact, upset that I had purchased the computer without his input, but seemed to have forgotten that I HAD asked him for that input and he passed. Then, and this might not work for everyone, but I knew it would make H feel good, I told him that I had used all the information he had given me about computers to research and find the right one. I specified each item I considered and told him how I decided on each item based on his input over the years as to what S needed. H was quite pleased.

Bottom line, H didn't realize we'd be gone for Easter and felt abandoned, but knew it was his own fault for not paying attention; H forgot to tell me his parents had offered to pay for a computer and thought S might have gotten short changed on what he got and felt guilty; and H realized that he hadn't given any input into the computer, and felt guilty about that, too.

But, by gum, he didn't get angry or accuse me of anything. He admitted to being upset. I'm pretty sure I managed to SET. I'm happy dancing some more!

[waverider]

Excellent, do you think this would have played out the same if you had got yourself into a defensive mindset and where more reactive?

Then, and this might not work for everyone, but I knew it would make H feel good, I told him that I had used all the information he had given me about computers to research and find the right one. I specified each item I considered and told him how I decided on each item based on his input over the years as to what S needed. H was quite pleased.

Skillful bit of work there

[OffRoad]

Excellent, do you think this would have played out the same if you had got yourself into a defensive mindset and where more reactive?

This would never have played out so well if I had gone in angry about H dumping on S. It was so helpful for me to ask everyone here what emotions might have been in play, because I thought I had covered everything, but there was some unknown information (That H's parents had offered and H forgot to tell me and that H forgot this was Easter weekend) 

I took formflier's advice and let H bring it up. Excellent advice, as then H didn't feel cornered. You and  misuniadziubek  brought up guilt, which was kind of on my radar, but not in that direct "guilt" is the feeling. I would be frustrated, but not feel guilty that I could not afford the computer. (It could be more of a guy thing, too)  By focusing on the likelihood that he felt guilty, I told him I was sorry about the communication SNAFU, specified that we were not trying to leave him out, and went with building up his ego with truth about how his input over the years being how I determined which computer to get S. I'm not sure if I really managed any support, but I did manage empathy and truth.

Another advantage here is that H didn't have us around for 5 days. He got to see what life was like in an empty house, and he realized first hand that while he doesn't like having to rely on me for some things, without me those things fall apart. Better to have the person that fills in your blanks than be angry at her for filling in those blanks. It part of what a partnership is: you do this because you're better at it, and I'll take that because I'm better at it.

[waverider]

This is where we have to be careful with assumptions a pwBPD rarely give you the full story, and often it is not always that faithful a version either. So we can get all wound up assuming things. This creates the trigger and we are sidelined as the story emerges, or changes, after we have done or said something that was probably inappropriate. It feels like being ambushed.

So it always pays to tread carefully as the path is not as clear as it seems at times

[OffRoad]

This is where we have to be careful with assumptions a pwBPD rarely give you the full story, and often it is not always that faithful a version either. So we can get all wound up assuming things. This creates the trigger and we are sidelined as the story emerges, or changes, after we have done or said something that was probably inappropriate. It feels like being ambushed.

So it always pays to tread carefully as the path is not as clear as it seems at times

BBM: Is the path ever clear?    But yes, I really understand the ambushed feeling.

I'm beginning to understand why the things that didn't go well went as badly as they did. Seriously, how does anyone NOT know when a holiday is? It's on your computer calendar, your friends and family talk about it, people at work usually mention their plans... .so silly me assumes he knows it's Easter weekend. And yet, that ends up a sticking point... .

[formflier]

 

I find it hard to believe that he wouldn't have known.

However... .I also know that pwBPD can really obsess over certain things... .and kinda "close out" to the rest of the world.

Does he have obsessive tendencies?

FF

[waverider]

You would be surprised how many real world events get completely miissed.

[OffRoad]

For my H, it takes so much out of him to manage his daily work like a "normal" person, he forgets if it's a weekday or a weekend half the time.  Don't get me wrong, he is brilliant at what he does. But I think a pwBPD has to expend twice as much energy trying to keep it together in the work environment on stressful days, and that leaves not much left at the end of the day. H does well when things are habits, something you do every day at a certain time. But if it's a sometimes thing (like holidays), it can fall off the radar. He has birthdays on his calendar with pop up reminders, and email reminders counting down from 5 days prior.