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Author Topic: Feeling really down  (Read 640 times)
Grey Kitty
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« Reply #30 on: April 12, 2015, 12:38:44 PM »

Hey Max... .I think you know what to do... .even if you don't feel up to doing it.

 As a guy who has been depressed quite a lot as my marriage has been dying, I know how hard it is to actually DO things at a time like that. So be gentle with yourself if you don't manage it.

Paint. Work on your car. Work on your yard. LIVE YOUR LIFE. Spend some time with your friends and family too. (Whether your wife is up to it or not!)

Next gives you silent treatment... .a perfect opportunity to do one of those things!
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« Reply #31 on: April 12, 2015, 12:42:25 PM »

Hi, max.  I also put on hold the creative things I love to do, most of which identify me too.  My own personal life that used to be so orderly slowly became out of order.  I lost motivation in response to my husband’s criticism.

 

I think all of that resulted in depression for me.  It was hard to recognize until I saw how hard it is for me to do some of the simplest of things that I am actually physically capable of doing. 

It was a real turning point for me when I realized how much of myself I had lost in the whirlwind of all of my husband’s behavior. 

It’s very hard to get out of the pit.  I’m still climbing out, one step at a time.  Every step, no matter how small, is good.  And for me, my heart and mind have always had to be at rest to do anything with art, but I think I’m going to have to stop waiting for all to be well, and just do it.  I know that if I don’t, I will regret it and feel as though I betrayed myself. 

Just a little story that can relate to the constant complaints and invalidation:  I’m the primary caretaker of our yard.  It’s not a showstopper, but I do work at making it look nice, even if I do slack up on the mowing now and then  Being cool (click to insert in post)

I know and see all of the details in the areas where I have worked and accomplished something good, and feel good about it and enjoy what I see.  What does my husband, who rarely works in the yard and never compliments my work see and complain about?  Weeds!  Boy, is he missing out! 



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maxsterling
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« Reply #32 on: April 12, 2015, 01:54:42 PM »

GK - yep I know what I have to do Smiling (click to insert in post)  I've been here before, and I know what gets me out of it.  I have to have patience with myself, because I know it takes time (weeks or months), and for now I have to also embrace the way I am feeling and avoid pretending that nothing is wrong. 

Flowerpath - I understand exactly where you are coming from.  Even though we learn to not take things personally, even though we learn to set boundaries and walk away when someone is criticizing us, those criticisms add up.  The pwBPD always gets a cut or two in before we enforce the boundary.  And over time, it's just impossible to let all that slide.  Eventually, it adds up without outside validation from another source.  And that is where I feel right now.  All those little criticisms sit in my head and are blocking me as I try to get back into my routines.

Another thing I thought about - all those dysregulations, her telling me she wants to die, trying to climb out the car door while I was driving, her telling me she was in so much pain she wanted to kill her, her breaking dishes, the screams, the throwing things - those are all trauma on me.  And the past 6 months or so, I'd have to find some place to stuff all that because I felt I did not have time to process it.  I felt I had another goal ahead, that the next dysregulation was likely just around the corner, so I would do what I needed to do to just manage (like make sure I got something to eat and made it to work).  And now that I do have time, I feel like all that stuffed trauma is working its way through.  Depression is a normal state at some point after experiencing trauma.  I need to go easy on myself here, and accept that some of those events were pretty serious and pretty scary.
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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #33 on: April 12, 2015, 02:05:08 PM »

Another thing I thought about - all those dysregulations, her telling me she wants to die, trying to climb out the car door while I was driving, her telling me she was in so much pain she wanted to kill her, her breaking dishes, the screams, the throwing things - those are all trauma on me.  And the past 6 months or so, I'd have to find some place to stuff all that because I felt I did not have time to process it.  I felt I had another goal ahead, that the next dysregulation was likely just around the corner, so I would do what I needed to do to just manage (like make sure I got something to eat and made it to work).  And now that I do have time, I feel like all that stuffed trauma is working its way through.  Depression is a normal state at some point after experiencing trauma.  I need to go easy on myself here, and accept that some of those events were pretty serious and pretty scary.

You have experienced a lot of trauma. If you haven't had time to process it or even accept that you have been traumatized, that makes it that much more difficult. For me, I am realizing that there were quite a few years in our marriage where it felt like one trauma would build on top of another trauma and I didn't deal with any of it. I was so busy staying strong and keeping myself together that I didn't process it, I didn't think about it, and I didn't know why I was having some of the feelings that I was having. Things have been pretty calm in my relationship for a while now. There are still a lot of little things to work on but I would say that the most traumatic and scary stuff is probably over. The more calm things get, the more out of control and depressed I feel. It is like my emotions are all over the place and I am thinking about stuff and processing feelings about stuff that happened 10 years ago because I didn't process them then. I feel completely crazy some days because all of this stuff is bubbling up and I am having to think about it and deal with it.

Hang in there!   
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« Reply #34 on: April 12, 2015, 03:41:29 PM »

 I'm right there with you... .But I've been sitting on my porch just doing nothing... .Not thinking because I'm running on e. Time helps I guess. I'll smoke like 4 cigarettes in one sitting because I don't want to get up.
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zundertowz
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« Reply #35 on: April 12, 2015, 03:46:43 PM »

I'm right there with you... .But I've been sitting on my porch just doing nothing... .Not thinking because I'm running on e. Time helps I guess. I'll smoke like 4 cigarettes in one sitting because I don't want to get up.

Im in the same boat right now... 3 weeks no contact feeling like trash!  I dont have delusions of grandeur so I just gotta ride this thing out.  I thought I past a hurdle for a few days but I was wrong... .I hope this doesnt mess me up for life.
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friskey

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« Reply #36 on: April 12, 2015, 11:58:13 PM »

l been just reading all these posts and understand where you are. If at the moment you just have to take one day at a time then so be it.

I feel low most days but doing the things I enjoy doing keeps me going. Cooking, gardening, reading and sometimes just watching TV helps. It is important to look after yourself.

Stay strong and remember all the things that made you positive in the past.

Best wishes Friskey.  
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goodintentions

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« Reply #37 on: April 13, 2015, 06:52:50 AM »

Reading through your posts, I can relate in my relationship (uBPDw), with periods in the pit.

You are wise to trust your instincts about bringing a child into this world in your current state. We had a baby 4 years ago, who is my delight. But my wife struggled to care for our newborn, and has been barely functioning ever since. I suppose no one is ever *really* ready, but you know when you're not ready.

I remember how on the day we got married, everything changed. Literally - we got in the car after the wedding, and my very traumatic honeymoon week began. It's been hard to not just stuff the painful events. Asking for space is tough - especially when it comes to sex, which is a trigger.

For me, I'm finding it helpful to try identify WHEN a good time for something is (kids, vacations, or even sex). "I'd feel more comfortable talking about _____ after we've _____." I try to think of ways to make it NOT about her (rejection), but rather put specific parameters around discussions that normally end in complaints.

One day at a time... .I too struggle with the idea of "losing" myself, my creativity, my motivation... .but trying to reclaim some personal space helps. You aren't alone!
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maxsterling
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« Reply #38 on: April 13, 2015, 12:16:43 PM »

Still feeling down. But I did do a few things for myself yesterday that helped.  Not that it cured anything, but at least I did something when I felt like just sitting on the sofa all day.  And in the evening, I was able to actually get my wife to sit and relax in the bathtub with me, just the two of us.  I remarked to her that I needed that time with her, to just be with her and turn everything else off. 

This morning she was on my case.  I think she is mad that I am depressed.  Between her AA meeting and her T appointment, she decided to call me up and bark at me things like "I don't know what is going on with you, you don't communicate, I don't know how to help you, etc).   Egad.  That's the problem right there.  I don't need someone in my face about it.  No use trying to explain that to her, especially over the phone.  After 20 minutes, I told her I had to go to work, and that was it.

I just have to trust that she would discuss it with T.  And now she says she is going to T twice a week.  yeah!
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maxsterling
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« Reply #39 on: April 13, 2015, 03:08:41 PM »

Okay, now help me figure this out - 

This morning she was prying to figure out why I am depressed.  I gave her little info, and just tried to say that I just need to work through it and just need her support and understanding.  She wanted specifics as to why, what she could do, etc.  Uggh.  Abandonment fears kicking in, I guess.  She also gave me grief about how I don't seem excited about having a baby.

I got to work and things have felt better today  Smiling (click to insert in post).  I went to the insurance company website, looked up a few OBGYNs for her to call, just to show her I am here to help and that I am interested (the truth is, I am, just fear it at the moment given my mood and her behaviors).

She comes back from T, says she will start going to T twice a week, and now she feels depressed.  (I think that is the old "if you hurt I am going to hurt worse" BPD behavior). 

Then she called, said she felt a lot of physical pain today, was frustrated with me on the phone, told me she is not going to call any more OBGYN because that stresses her out, and "if want to have a baby I need to do all the work to call and make that happen."     

So, with that comment - does she really want to have a child?  Or is it like the wedding, that she has doubts and is going through it because she thinks that is what I want?

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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #40 on: April 13, 2015, 05:34:14 PM »

So, with that comment - does she really want to have a child?  Or is it like the wedding, that she has doubts and is going through it because she thinks that is what I want?

Uhm, I think she has noticed that you are resisting having a baby; the odds that she is saying it because she thinks you want it are slim... .and if she is, it is because she's projected her desire to have a baby onto you anyway   

However... .as a dear friend of mine says, "There is no cheese at the end of that maze."

Stop worrying about whether she wants to have a baby for real or not, or where her obsession with having a baby is coming from.

Focus on what matters--And that is (if I recall your words correctly), you DO NOT WANT TO HAVE A BABY WITH HER, any time soon, until she is stable enough to actually be a functioning parent.

If/when that changes, then you can worry about whether she really wants it or not.
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« Reply #41 on: April 13, 2015, 06:15:31 PM »

Reading your posts reminds me so much of my mother. I know they are not the same person, but your wife does so many things that my mother did. My mom used to rage in the kitchen breaking dishes and opening the fridge and breaking all that stuff on the floor.

Yes, she has picked up on your resisting a baby. Your resistance brings into light the reasons for it- her dysfunction, and she will do all she can to not bring that into the light. While some people choose not to have kids, it isn't the most common choice. Having kids is validating, it gives you an identity. For an emotionally healthy parent, that isn't a reason to have kids, but for someone who has a poor sense of self, imagining onself as a loving mother with beautiful children, can be validating, and not having kids because your husband thinks you are too dysfunctional isn't, even if it is true.

One of the main benefits of us kids was that we "normalized" mom. We were pretty good kids. She got a lot of mileage out of the fact that we did "normal" things, like sports, school, and it gave her something to talk about with her friends. She now often pushes me to get info about my kids, so she can appear to be an involved grandmother. She also has fantasies about moving near me, so that her grandkids can be around her all the time.

So, in a similar way that you are being resistant to your wife being a mother at the moment, mom went ballistic over any boundary I put up between her and the kids when they were little. I was not about to have them stay with her for long periods of time unsupervised. Yet this boundary was like waving a red flag in front of a mad bull and she was determined to bust through it.  Her friends had their grandkids visit all the time, and she didn't like the idea that I was concerned about her doing this. They did visit often but with other adults around.  They are older now and have cell phones. She cornered the youngest one day and coerced her to give her their numbers.

Now she calls them and she thinks I don't know. Now, though, they know how to handle her, and they tell me if she calls. Still she seems quite pleased with herself that she has "pulled this one over" on me. Honestly, if it was concerning to me, I'd have changed their numbers.

Max, we call my mom the boundary buster. The more we resisted, the more she pushed.

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friskey

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« Reply #42 on: April 13, 2015, 06:29:17 PM »

Reading this brought tears to my eyes. I really know how much a PWBPD can mess you up emotially big time. My SO has put me through the wanting a baby very early in our relationship. When he realised that that wasn't going to happen due to complications with my womb. He decided to blame me. It was horrible and I really didn't know what to do. I felt such a failure He has now gone No contact and I am  getting stronger. I find I get stronger every day  and I'm learning to look after myself. Do the things I need to do to heal I beginning not to want to see him. Especially as I think of all the crap he put me through. It's important that you don't let any of their protection, or negative opinions hold you bound until you to feel depressed because eventually you will not know if you're coming or going and later just because totally despondent.

Grey kitty is  is right do not worry about that she wants to have a baby. The main thing is that you I able to look after yourself and not be put into a position where someone is

forcing you to do something that you're not ready to do stay blessed and look after yourself frisky
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Notwendy
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« Reply #43 on: April 13, 2015, 06:45:17 PM »

Friskey, I am sorry you were put through all that...

One thought I had about wanting to have a baby with a partner is the fear of abandoment. A baby is something that binds two people together. It is much harder to dissolve a relationship when there are kids involved.

I also wonder if there is a fantasy about a baby making the relationship better?

Still, in all this, I am glad to be here, however, I have to also recognize the considerable support my dad made possible. For this reason, I don't think one can say not to have kids, but only when you feel ready, Max and feel you can take on the task of parenting.
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« Reply #44 on: April 13, 2015, 10:05:58 PM »

Dear Max

Although I lurk here daily, I seldom post.  But I feel I must comment on what has happened with you recently. Or at least share what happened with my BPDH.

All of this is based on my opinion of my experience with him.  And

I don't think this really has anything to do with the 'baby question'.  It is about your focus and her inability to cope when your focus is anywhere other than completely on her.  For quite some time you have been all about her.  You had said a while back, that she needed to change her behavior before you married.  You let her break that boundary because of insurance and your need to care for her (legal marriage).  Then you stepped and took over making things OK for her during the planning of The Wedding.  Your focus was entirely on her.  You expressed no feelings, did nothing for yourself.

Now, you are expressing your feelings, trying to focus on yourself.  She is having none of it.  She is reacting to try to get you to return your focus solely to her.  My BPDh. Did this so often. It is only with the solitude I have now that I am able to see that this is the case.

I hope you are able to find your way through this and keep your sense of self in tact.

But like Dennis Miller said, "It's just my opinion, I could be wrong."

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« Reply #45 on: April 14, 2015, 01:03:11 PM »

 

Max,

When she asks what she can do... .have you tried telling her you need space?  What do you tell her?

FF
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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #46 on: April 14, 2015, 01:19:26 PM »

I had another thought that I wanted to share. My husband recently told me that he doesn't know how to handle it when I am not being the strong one. He sees me as a very strong person and looks to me for strength a lot of the time. He cannot handle it when I am vulnerable or showing weakness. That doesn't make it any easier on me but it does help me to understand his point of view. And, I have used that information to remind me to reach out to other people that are okay with me being vulnerable or flaky. I gather strength from other places so that I can keep my wits about me better when interacting with my husband.

I have also figured out that telling my husband something vague like "I need space" isn't helpful. I have much better success if I can give him concrete things to do that will keep him away from me or even help me with stuff around the house that will lighten my load. The tricky part is figuring out ways to communicate that stuff in a way that doesn't make it sound like you are blaming them or rejecting them.
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maxsterling
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« Reply #47 on: April 14, 2015, 02:06:17 PM »

VOC - Yeah, that's my experience, too.  If I tell her I am sad or sick in any way, she can't handle it and soon falls apart.  She has explicitly stated to me the reason is that she feels triggered if I am not the strong one.  My reaction?  Teaches me to close off to my wife.  The result here is then she gets frustrated that I "don't communicate".  No-win here, so I need to do what is best for me and her reactions are beyond my control. 

Same goes with "I need space" responses.  Yikes if that doesn't trigger an anxious dysregulation from her!  If I give her a non-specific response (or she is not in a mood to receive and understand my specific response), her mind immediately catastrophizes.  "I need space" = "he hates me and is going to divorce me and leave me with nothing."  I need to be real carful with vague responses that cause her to fish for specifics.  Just like me saying that I felt down and depressed, the next two days were her positing reasons I must be depressed, because she wanted to prove to herself that she wasn't the reason. 
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #48 on: April 14, 2015, 03:29:51 PM »

What happens if you are specific, rather than general?

"I need space" is something that generally has a lot of baggage behind it.

"I'm going to take a 3-hour hike by myself today" might work better.

Or something else specific. Decide to do something that doesn't involve your partner, whether it is social or solitary... .and announce that you are are doing it.
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friskey

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« Reply #49 on: April 14, 2015, 05:05:51 PM »

Hi Frisky again. I can relate very much to Votexof confusion words describing how much pw BPD or its trates cannot cope when your at your most vulnerable. Their insecurties manifest itseld when you are at your most vulnerable it's sad to see that but this is why you need to have people around you that can build you back up.

I find that I have to rely heavily sometimes on my friends in order to keep my head vfrom exploiding. Without them I would just give in to all the negativity and blame myself.  It is  good to have a group of people that you can trust that you can share with to bounce ideas off or call.

They can build you up and not criticize you because of any mistakes you might have made or feeling vulnerable.

Keep your hope up.

Friskey.
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