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[katmom]

I don't know whether I'm on the right board, because I have not decided whether to stay with my husband or not. Some days it's a yes, and most days it's a no.

We have been together for 23 years, but he was not diagnosed until 5 or so years ago. Something was obviously wrong for a very long time before that, but he refused to seek help. He has been improving since he's been seeing the therapist, but only in fits and starts, since he sporadically decides that he is fine and stops therapy. One of his coping mechanisms is alcohol, which makes him extremely unpleasant to be around when he is having trouble or is under stress. I asked him yesterday whether he has spoken to his psychologist about his alcohol abuse, and he said no.

I am tired. I'm tired of dealing with his behaviour, I'm tired of always having to be the one who takes the steps to understand, I'm tired of not having a partner I can count on. I'm tired of living in a shell of a relationship, where all of the care and attention goes one way. I am tired of having to set and enforce limits, of having to always be on my guard, of having to leave my home to relax. I don't think that there are words to explain how tired I am of all of this.

This past weekend, he went to a neighbour's house, and when they dumped him through the door, he was too drunk to walk or talk. He fell several times, breaking a few things, and he passed out kneeling on the floor. He was so drunk that I wasn't sure whether he was going to make it through the night. For the first time ever, I didn't care if he did or not.

Something has got to change.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[vortex of confusion]

   

Hi Katmom! Welcome to the boards. You have come to the right place to find support. I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this.

Have you had any counseling that is just for you? What kid of support system do you have?

One of the places that most people are directed towards is the lessons that you can find on the right side of the board.

The Undecided forum has information that might help you to make a decision about staying or going. The Staying board has information that can help you cope while still living with your partner and the leaving board is great for those that are on their way out of the relationship. I have posted on all three different forums and have read the lessons on all three.

This stuff is hard to navigate. Hang in there! Hopefully some others with more experience will be along soon.

[misuniadziubek]

I don't know whether I'm on the right board, because I have not decided whether to stay with my husband or not. Some days it's a yes, and most days it's a no.

Dealing with non-stop inconsistency in a relationship, one day having a wonderful partner and the next seeing someone who makes you wonder why you ever allowed yourself to stay for so long, it leaves us exhausted and very bitter over time. There's never a guarantee on which way is up, no certainty.  That's why it's so hard to decide.

We have been together for 23 years, but he was not diagnosed until 5 or so years ago. Something was obviously wrong for a very long time before that, but he refused to seek help. He has been improving since he's been seeing the therapist, but only in fits and starts, since he sporadically decides that he is fine and stops therapy. One of his coping mechanisms is alcohol, which makes him extremely unpleasant to be around when he is having trouble or is under stress. I asked him yesterday whether he has spoken to his psychologist about his alcohol abuse, and he said no.

I am tired. I'm tired of dealing with his behaviour, I'm tired of always having to be the one who takes the steps to understand, I'm tired of not having a partner I can count on. I'm tired of living in a shell of a relationship, where all of the care and attention goes one way. I am tired of having to set and enforce limits, of having to always be on my guard, of having to leave my home to relax. I don't think that there are words to explain how tired I am of all of this.

This past weekend, he went to a neighbour's house, and when they dumped him through the door, he was too drunk to walk or talk. He fell several times, breaking a few things, and he passed out kneeling on the floor. He was so drunk that I wasn't sure whether he was going to make it through the night. For the first time ever, I didn't care if he did or not.

Something has got to change.

You're tired. You've made that very clear.

I definitely agree with VOC. You need a support system outside of your husband and counseling just for you could take some of the burden off your shoulders. You've been sucked dry. You're always on guard, always cleaning up the messes for him, always pushing yourself to be the stronger partner. It's not a satisfying or healthy way to live.

You count too. You may have gotten used to sacrificing your own needs for his, but you have to value yourself before him. Otherwise one day you hit the edge and fall really hard flat on your face from exhaustion.

You've been sucked so dry, that your feelings are going away with your energy. It's hard to empathise or care about someone who is so inconsiderate of how they affect you and rarely validates the energy you put into being their supportive partner.

You're not alone. There's plenty of people you can turn to, regardless of your final decision. You wouldn't be here if you didn't have some hope that you could still find relief.

[katmom]

Thanks for the replies.

I have had counseling for myself, and I have an excellent support system - a large, loving extended family, and a fiercely loyal group of friends. I also attended with my husband for nearly a year with his psychologist, so I have a pretty good grasp on what is possible for him to achieve if he were to stick with the therapy. I know that this is where a lot of my resentment is coming from, actually - the gap between where he is and where he could be if he had kept up with his therapist for the last 5 years.

I know that another part of the problem is that I'm currently off on disability, so that I don't get away from him as much as I used to. It's only logical that his behaviour has a larger impact on my life when I am with him for more hours in the day, and with other people for less. I worked far longer hours than he did, and it has been a huge change. I also know that, when I was working, I could have walked away at any time and been entirely financially stable without worry. That is not true now that I am receiving long term disability. 

With being off work, I also have had a lot more time to think. Not the thinking that you do here and there, in the small gaps in your attention between work, kids, and the rest of your obligations; the kind that allows for in-depth retrospectives and assessments. I am not happy with what I see.

You're right: I have been sucked entirely dry. I don't see the dynamic changing, especially with his refusal to commit to working at it, and if it doesn't, there will never be any filling of the well. That is the reality.

[flowerpath]

Hi, katmom.   So many of us here can identify with what you are experiencing. 

When I first came here, at 30 years of marriage with my husband who is undiagnosed, I also was at a critical point at which something had to change.   

Through the support of members here on this staying board and all through the lessons, articles, and threads on this website, I’ve been able to learn about what I can change, and how I can change to make life better.  I still have a lot to learn, but I don’t feel so powerless in the face of BPD anymore. 

When you make changes, the dynamic doesn’t have any choice to but to change too. 

[getting_better]

Hey, katmom.  I separated from my wife of 23 years about 10 months ago.  I understand what you're going through, and I hope you will find some peace and serenity in your life.  I repeat the serenity prayer to myself frequently: "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.'

Two things have helped me immensely since I split with my BPD spouse: attending Al-Anon meetings and working the 12 steps myself.  My wife ended up in a cycle of addition to prescription painkillers, and her case worker at the rehab center suggested I start attending Al-Anon.  This is the program for loved ones of addicts and alcoholics.  All of my anger dissolved away through this program. I've been able to start seeing my own role in the unhealthiness that has become toxic in my family over the years.  

The other thing that has been incredibly helpful for me is the book "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder" by Dr. Shari Manning with a forward by Marsha Linehan.  You may know that Dr. Linehan, herself a BPD sufferer, developed the DBT Program (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) as an effective treatment modality for BPD.  Shari's book was very healing for me in learning about how my wife suffers from emotional dysregulation and the effective ways to deal with it as the non-BPD spouse.  She makes the point early on in the book that "by the time you've found this book you may be exhausted and have no more energy for the relationship", which is where I'm at, but if you decide you do have energy to keep trying - there's help in these pages.

My heart goes out to you!  You're in the right place on this site.  Hang in there.

[katmom]

Thanks for your replies.

I agree that my actions are my responsibility, and it is up to me to decide on my attitude and how I will respond to the sometimes incredibly crappy things that come my way. Similarly, his actions and his attitude are *his* responsibility. I know that it is not as easy for him to understand or control his emotions as it is for me to do the same with mine, but that doesn't absolve him of the responsibility or ameliorate the consequences if he doesn't. His condition will not stop him from being fired if he speaks to his co-workers the same way he speaks to me. It will not stop him from being arrested if he lets his anger take over and he assaults someone. It does not mean that he doesn't have to do whatever is necessary for him to be a functioning, contributing member of society, any more than it means he doesn't have to do whatever is necessary for him to be a functioning, contributing member of our marriage.

I firmly believe that it is the responsibility of both partners in a marriage to do their absolute best. That doesn't mean their respective bests are going to be equal, or that there won't still be conflicts; it just means that they will both do the best that they are capable of. I know that dropping out of or refusing to go to therapy does *not* constitute his best. He is fully capable of change. He is fully capable of being that functioning, contributing member of society and our family.

That doesn't mean I think it would be easy, or quick, or that there wouldn't be any slip-ups. It also doesn't mean that I think he would ever have the emotional facility of a so-called "normal" person. I'm a fairly realistic person, and I don't expect perfection. What I *do* expect is for him to try. There are many, many things that we have to learn to accept because we can't do anything to change them, but his coping skills and emotional processing abilities are not among them.

[flowerpath]

You simply want your husband to put forth more effort to make a positive change in his life, and you feel that he is capable of making those changes.  You’re also being realistic when you say his efforts may not be equal to yours and that his efforts may not always be consistent. 

I can identify with how all sorts of incredibly crappy things can come your way when alcohol abuse is combined with BPD.  I’m an optimistic kind of person, but have very few good memories of the early years of our marriage because of my H’s alcohol abuse along with all of the BPD behaviors.  "Incredibly crappy" is a descriptive way to put it. 

I understand your concerns about how this behavior outside your home could result in the loss of his job.  I have the same fear.  We were banned from an auto repair shop because of my H’s behavior toward an employee there.  We were threatened with the possibility of our well-behaved children being expelled from their school because of my H’s angry communication toward a staff member.  I think for my H it is unlikely now, but I still would not be surprised if invalidation at work were to build up in some way to the point that he snaps and subsequently loses his job.   

Since you are still living in the same home with your H, if you would like advice about specific behaviors your H displays and advice about specific difficult situations by posting new topics, this staying board is the place that you’d get support that’s geared toward working things out.  I still consider myself something of a newbie – not knowledgeable enough to give advice…except in hindsight    - but there are others here who have helped me a lot and the quality of life in our home has improved.