My heart is breaking

[jTrue426]

I am absolutely in love with my girlfriend, but she is breaking my heart every day.  I've never cried so much in my life

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[misuniadziubek]

Welcome to the site.

I'm sorry that you are going through such a hard time and feeling so much pain. It's tough, especially when you care so deeply about someone and the attachment runs so strong.

Can you describe in more detail what is going on that upsets you?

How long have you been with your girlfriend? What makes you suspect she has BPD or NPD?

Hang in there, you're never alone.

[jTrue426]

I've been with my gf for almost a year.  She was diagnosed years ago with borderline personality disorder.  She told me this early on but I never realized how bad it really is.  What do I do when the person that she "idealizes"  isn't me? It's a guy she been obsessed with for almost to decades and he doesn't even want anything to do with her.  He only paid her attention when it was convenient for him to  get laid and that was only sporadically over the years

[misuniadziubek]

I've been with my gf for almost a year.  She was diagnosed years ago with borderline personality disorder.  She told me this early on but I never realized how bad it really is.  What do I do when the person that she "idealizes"  isn't me? It's a guy she been obsessed with for almost to decades and he doesn't even want anything to do with her.  He only paid her attention when it was convenient for him to  get laid and that was only sporadically over the years

Did your gf feel that way about you in the beginning?

Regardless of what this other guy did, this might be a pattern for her. Whenever things in her current relationship issues pop up, she goes back to idealising the other guy.

How does she treat you? What sorts of issues are popping up in your relationship? Have you read up a lot on BPD?

[jTrue426]

We've had a vary loving relationship but this has popped up periodically and it's getting harder for me to bear.  No matter what I do she'll always crave him.  She follows him on social media, texts him, calls him, and lies about all of it to me until I catch her. When I do catch her she says I'm controlling her and being jealous.  Of course I'm jealous!

[waverider]

You need to start working on you and understanding why you are drawn to her. What your own values and boundaries are.

This will not change until you change.

Obsessions are part and parcel of the disorder.

Her obsessions are her choice. Whether you allow yourself to be adversely affected by them is yours. So you have to get to the bottom of why you allow this to happen.When I say allow it to happen I don't mean her being obsessed but you exposing yourself to it.

It is all part of the package, why do you want this package?

Before we can make any progress in a BPD RS we have to understand why we do it. That way we can own the choice rather than simply try to survive by default of not choosing.